The Dolphins As North Korea
The Miami Dolphins’ loss to the Buffalo Bills on Sunday was their most normal game of the season, which is to say that it was their least interesting. The circus came to town, but nobody fell from the trapeze or was mauled by a bear. The Dolphins showed up, gave the fans a game, lost, packed up, and...
The Dolphins Smashed Their Own Dicks To A Pulp, And Then Smashed Them Some More
This past Sunday, the Miami Dolphins failed so flagrantly, so perfectly, in a game so perversely important that was more meme than matchup, that I don’t actually need to explain what happened to them. But the thing you should know about the Dolphins’ suicide screen pass, which wrapped up their 17-16...
Dad Made The Very Sleepy Chargers Get Out Of Bed And Beat The Dolphins
Okay, so I can’t show you what it would look like if the Miami Dolphins played a college football team. But I can show you what it would look like if the Miami Dolphins played in a college football game, and were the college team....
The Blowhole: Brian Flores Wants To Spoonfeed You Sadness
The most important thing to know about the Miami Dolphins is that their new coach, Brian Flores, treats every game like he will be held criminally liable if anything interesting happens. Dolphins fans, befitting a franchise that hasn’t won a playoff game in 20 years, have extensive experience with c...
Do You Really Want To Know Anything About The Marlins?
Last year was a fun one for the Miami Marlins, until it really, really wasn’t. José Fernández’s death may not actually cast a pall over the Marlins’ entire 2017 season, but it certainly feels that way now. It will definitely feel that way whenever I have to watch Dan Straily pitch....
Kyrie Irving Buried The Warriors Again
Round one between the new-look Warriors and the defending champion Cavaliers went to Cleveland, 109-108, with the knockout blow once again delivered by Kyrie Irving, who drove Klay Thompson into the paint with four seconds left before spinning around and getting an improbable fadeaway jumper to just...
Jalen Ramsey Is Going To Be A Beast
This season has been completely useless for the Jacksonville Jaguars. After blowing a two-touchdown lead to the Texans on Sunday for their ninth straight loss of the season, the Jags fired Gus Bradley, a bad coach everyone knew was bad a long time ago. Blake Bortles has rapidly regressed back to the...
Video Of Oklahoma RB Joe Mixon Punching Female Student Released
A multi-year legal battle came to a close early this evening when Oklahoma Sooners running back Joe Mixon released the video of him punching a woman in 2014....
There Is One Very Good Reason To Watch The Dolphins And Jets On Saturday Night
The Dolphins and Jets play tomorrow night in the first Saturday game of this season. If you didn’t already know that, I regret having to be the one to inform you. Last week, the Jets needed a furious comeback to beat the 49ers. Their season is over and their coach may be fired. The Dolphins are curr...
Kevin Garnett Playfully Roasting Craig Sager's Suits Will Never Not Be The Best
Craig Sager is most fondly remembered for his back-and-forth routine with Gregg Popovich, in which Sager would play the earnest sideline reporter and Popovich a sort of caricature of the surly coach who has no time for the manufactured pleasantries of a scheduled television interview. But for my mon...
Jeffrey Loria Is Having A Bad Day
Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria has had better weeks. Just a few days after Dodgers closer Kenley Jansen reportedly turned down a larger offer from the Marlins to re-sign in Los Angeles, Loria’s personal cell phone number inadvertently made its way online when a business card he had once signed was put ...
The Arizona Cardinals Are Very Deep In The Trashcan
Two seasons died in Miami on Sunday. One of them belonged to the Dolphins, a team that at the moment holds the AFC’s final wild card berth, but which will have to trudge forward, fatally wounded, without starting quarterback Ryan Tannehill. The other season that croaked was Arizona’s, which dropped ...
Liberals Cheering On The Electoral College Dope Who Won't Vote For Donald Trump Is Really Frightening
Last night, the New York Times published an editorial written by Christopher Surpun, a “Republican presidential elector” from Texas who says that he will not cast his electoral college vote for Donald Trump, despite Trump winning the state by nine points. Surpun doesn’t say who he will vote for, but...
Behold Everything Beautiful And Ugly About DeMarcus Cousins
The Knicks and the Kings played last night at Madison Square Garden, and at least for those of us who live in New York, it was a far more entertaining spectacle than the shit-ass game between the Giants and Steelers that it overlapped with for most of the early evening. The Knicks were victorious a...
Want A Reason To Watch The Miami Heat? (No?) James Johnson<em></em>
The Miami Heat have mostly been a mess this season. An already janky roster has suffered injuries everywhere, and only a truly monster season from Hassan Whiteside and a few splendid Goran Dragic games have kept the Heat from having perhaps the worst record in the Eastern Conference. Oh, and also Ja...
Hell Yeah, The Rockets Are Good And Fun Again<em></em>
Football and baseball have a certain way of derailing even the most meticulously planned seasons, but (barring a Derrick Rose knee explosion or a Kevin Durant foot-shatter) basketball tends to flatten all mitigating factors and let its talent rise to the top. Last year’s Rockets team accomplished no...
Boomer Esiason Alleges Ex-Agent Planted Story About Darrelle Revis Wanting To Retire
Late last night, New York Daily News Jets beat writer Manish Mehta reported that an anonymous “confidant” of Darrelle Revis’s had told Mehta that Revis wishes to retire. Here is the exact quote as it appeared in Mehta’s story:...
Hot Fucking Stove: Don't Touch The Stove It's Extremely Hot
Good news, friends: The Thanksgiving holiday brought us not just a bounty of meats, side dishes, and familial bonding, but also mildly interesting baseball transactions that could have anywhere from no to some impact on the upcoming season of “America’s pastime.”...
Eric Dickerson To Resume Attending Rams Games Next Season
Jeff Fisher—coach of the 4-7 Rams, losers of six of seven and owners of the least productive offense in football—is currently embroiled in a feud with Eric Dickerson, who starred for the Rams the last time they were (good) in Los Angeles. The beef stems from Fisher reportedly banning Dickerson from ...
Do You See Gray Or Blue In The Vegas Golden Knights Logo?
This is the logo for the NHL’s Vegas Golden Knights, as you may or may not already know. According to the franchise, the team’s new color scheme features four colors: steel gray, gold, black, and red. But some of us see a different color....