Fictional Hooper Bracket: The Round of 16

Bugs is the best bunny left in our Sweet 16

Welcome to Week 2. Thanks for pumping up those voting numbers. The more you all vote, the more I can accept when one of my favorites from the bracket gets voted out — once again Cochise, gone too soon.

Voting for the Sweet 16 is now underway, we’ll see if some people finally meet their match. One of the matchups the selection committee was hoping for when arranging these brackets has come to fruition, because the beauty of dealing with fictional characters is we don’t have to consider integrity. Our goal was for this to be as entertaining as possible, and have the public vote on the matchups that we decided were best. This committee is not beholden to conference-championship tournament money grabs. We placed who we wanted where we wanted, and it worked out splendidly, for the most part. Ask Steve Urkel, Air Bud or Sandy Lyle.

We got one of our favorite potential matchups in the whole bracket in this round — the battle of former Blue Chips and Orlando Magic teammates — but also Bugs Bunny is in the Sweet 16. Who knew he was still this popular in 2022, he was in World War II cartoons. Young Michael J. Fox is going to have his hands full with a basketball movie legend (Cue Jesus Shuttlesworth’s mom yelling, “Jesus!”), and so is the No. 1 seed in the Rucker region.

Uncle Drew hasn’t gone up against a true formidable foe yet, but he might meet his match in Tommy “Shep” Sheppard in the Sweet 16. Uncle Drew can work all the “youngbloods” he wants, but he’s about to see an NYC ball player that doesn’t even need basketball shorts to go to work.

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Yeah, this was a bit unpredictable. Billy Ho, of course. was supposed to be a better No. 1 overall seed than Gonzaga, but Bugs? The majority of Mel Blanc’s Looney Tunes cartoons were released before the Civil Rights Act was passed. There was no Cartoon Network or Nickelodeon back then. These cartoons were shown at the movie theater before the feature presentation — I guess that’s better than 15-20 minutes of trailers. Bugs may be an American Icon, but this is still Billy Ho. Not only did the man get his girlfriend on Jeopardy by betting his car on a ¾ court hook shot, but got her back by composing a song about an argument they had weeks prior. And Sidney said this man couldn’t hear Jimmy. When it comes to gamesmanship, of course Billy holds no candle to Bugs. Billy trusted Sidney financially without even thinking that the guy may want revenge for being hustled and embarrassed in front of his friends, by some stranger who lacks melanin, after the Rodney King beating. Bugs regularly got Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam to believe he was not indeed a rabbit, during Rabbit Season, while munching on a carrot. Bugs could certainly pull Billy’s hat down over his eyes a couple times, but an athletic matchup against Billy Ho? Then again, he’s already pulled two upsets. Maybe he’s got some Florida Gulf Coast in him.

The mice have been swept out of the den on this side of the bracket. We got Butch and Neon, head-to-head, playing in the type of tournament they never got to sniff in college, because after one game their coach developed a conscience and decided to ruin everything for everybody. They didn’t ask Coach Petey Bell for anything. Assumptions were made, some correctly, but he had a nation of players to pick from. He decided to go with them. However, these two played in a time where there would be many teams looking to spend a lottery pick on two athletic specimens.

There’s the 6-foot-7 point guard with the court vision and scoring ability, but also can leap. No one is to say Butch is better than Magic Johnson, but the Laker legend would’ve certainly eaten his Wheaties before going up against this phenom. Then there’s Neon. I mean, it’s sad Clarence was eliminated so Neon won’t be able to thank him for his part in inventing the alley-oop, the play that Neon turned into a heat-seeking missile. If he can catch oops for game-winning baskets against top teams in the country from Day 1, the NBA might need to make rules against catching lobs inside the paint. Both players are talented, but as far as movie characters, let’s compare them.

“Growing up my hood was so dangerous, I joined the army and invaded the Persian Gulf for a vacation. I make my own sense.” — Neon

*One teammate points out an attractive woman in class and the other teammate gets flustered and moves to a different section of class to pay attention to his English Lit professor more closely. — Butch is the teammate that moved

Two legends who operate in the shadows. Uncle Drew was a myth to Lil Rel until his gray hair and crossover was seen roasting his competition on an open fire. Shep was gone forever, until he returned to New York after his mother died. Both had guilt from years prior that they had to work through, and both had all of the game. Shep made a top high-school basketball recruit look like when Brian Scalabrine takes on non-NBA players at local gyms. Uncle Drew was demolishing people likely a minimum of 40 years younger than him. Maybe he went completely gray, like hold the pepper, extra salt, early in life, but being spry did not make him look any younger. Still, these two legends from their time would be quite the matchup on the court. They can do everything. The ball handling, the scoring, the court awareness, it’s all there. However, Uncle Drew may just have met his match on the court with Shep — who belongs in the NBA, not getting up-ended on playground courts by his brother’s criminal friends. Still it’s going to depend on which legend still resonates most with this audience since the movies were released 24 years apart. Do you all resonate more with Nick Kroll or Marlon Wayans, SWV or A$AP Mob, Get Out or The Five Heartbeats.

Scott, you better channel your inner Thriller if you want a chance at Jesus Shuttleworth. Not only are you tiny, but I don’t think your small Nebraska public school is playing against the same competition as Lincoln High in Queens. Oh sure there was a lot of chest hair on that court to go along with your hairy face, but this is primetime baby, ESPN, Dickie V, agents, sex on recruting visits. This ain’t no kegger down the block with Stiles and his “Don’t be a Dickhole” shirt. It’s gonna take all that Teen Wolf can bring to go toe to toe with Shuttlesworth. Also, the movies, I mean, Teen Wolf is entertaining, silly and heartwarming, but Denzel Washington chops Sean from Drumline in the throat in broad daylight in He Got Game. Shuttlesworth is such a legendary character that Ray Allen actually put J. Shuttlesworth on his jersey when the NBA did nickname jerseys — long after the league stopped having cool nicknames, Chris Bosh literally put CB on the back of his jersey, that’s a trucker radio. Michael J. Fox was in Family Ties, Spin City, and his true claim to fame is Marty McFly in Back to the Future — they made a Universal Studios ride out of that. His third-fifth most notable character is going up against one of the first names thought of when people mention not just basketball movies, but sports movies. He’s loveable as Teen Wolf, but he better get that hair and that headband ready to put on a super natural performance against Shuttlesworth.

The last Flint Tropic standing faces off against the last McCall left in a game featuring one person whose adoration for the game is unmatched, and another whose love for his hair and skimping out on arena promotions comes before his love for the game. If they played straight up with no gimmicks or shenanigans, Monica puts Jackie back in the dumpster Monix pulled him from.

However, this is not about basketball, and I wouldn’t put it past Moon to pull a page from the Sugar Ray Leonard-Roberto Duran “No Mas” fight where Leonard stopped boxing and started pulling carnival tricks. The tactic led to Duran quitting on his own volition in the eighth round because he was sick of the antics — and Moon definitely has antics. From free corn dogs to wrestling bears to a dirty hippy “so hopped up on goofballs and grass” he has no idea he’s not getting the $10,000 for his 3/4 court shot, there’s no folly too insane to blow up in Moon’s face.

You’d like to see the last woman represented in this tourney advance because not only is she a better player, she’s in a better movie. I don’t care what kind of cult following Semi-Pro has amassed, I thought the movie was going to be Talladega Nights but basketball. It had its moments, but none of them made you cry. (I don’t remember if I wept during Love & Basketball, but the waterworks had to be running for someone.) The last time I laughed so hard I cried during a Will Ferrell movie was Step Brothers, and Semi-Pro ain’t that.

Sidney made the Sweet 16, and now let’s see if he can do away with Grandmama and get one step closer to the actual prize: A trip to Sizzler. I know if a poorly cooked steak from a restaurant that’s been on life support since 1996 was at… stake, I wouldn’t be so cavalier with who I marked as a mark.

If Grandmama showed up on Venice Beach trying to hoop in a mumu, there’d be an extensive queue lined up to fleece her. However, that sentiment would dissolve quicker than Larry Johnson’s knees once she put the first wanna-be hustler on a poster. If anyone had cared to notice the Converse Aero Jam sneakers she came to the court in maybe guys would walk away with their pocketbooks and pride intact.

Dean is going to find himself — and the $1,700 he pulled from his hat, socks, and crotch — in for a battle, and I’m not talking fashion. (LJ’s shoes have aged better than Deane’s hat and weird tank tops. Also, where do we stand on cross dressing in the name of comedy? Has it been canceled yet? And who wins a Ru Paul catwalk-off between Grandmama and Noxeema, aka Wesley Snipes’ character from To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar?)

We’ll see if Deane can ID this hustler and avoid getting booted from the bracket and bilked out of his Sizzler money again.

In a region rife with upsets, it’s only fitting that the Hickory one seed, Moses Guthrie of Fish That Saved Pittsburgh, is the first top seed to fall. Air Bud proved too cute, fluffy, and lovable even for the charms of Dr. J in a disco-themed basketball drama. I previously warned about the risks of asking people to pick between a Golden Retriever playing sports and literally anything else, and it went the way of the canine again.

Air Bud beat Big Momma and Moses Guthrie, and now has picked up the scent of Sandy Lyle — and I don’t want to even imagine what kind of odor is emitting from a man who openly takes the grease from your pizza and puts it on his pizza, or sharts his pants. Lyle upset four-seed Lewis Scott in round one and then did it again to five-seed Kyle Lee Watson in round two. If he can take down a dog, he’ll face a seven- or 11-seed to go to the Final Four.

On its face, it seems insane that Lyle, a character who plays basketball for only a couple of minutes, would make it this far. But when you look at the pedigree, it makes sense that he was so memorable. Philip Seymour Hoffman is the only person in the entire bracket with an Oscar for Best Actor (though Will Smith is trying his hardest to get there) and was one of the greatest character actors of his generation. I don’t know where a posthumous trophy for a fictional basketball tournament would go in his awards case, but you’d have to think it would be right below the golden statue if on the same shelf.

If Air Bud wins it all, he’d probably just chew on the hardware or mark it as his own, and I don’t want slobber or piss getting on a trophy as immaculate as the one we have yet to create.

Did I do that? Yeah, man, you did. Urkel took down Recess’ Vince Lasalle in dominating fashion, and he looks like one of the standout players of the tournament, barely breaking a sweat in the first two rounds despite coming in as an 11 seed.

Chitwood got everything he could handle from Lola Bunny, winning 51.9 percent to 48.1 percent to knock out the No. 2 seed. The allure of fundamentals, teamwork, and folksy Gene Hackman outlasted a cartoon bunny created solely to hoop and push back on demeaning stereotypes and pet names. (Buggs being in the Sweet 16 over Lola is a Love & Basketball vibe for sure.)

However, onto Chitwood-Urkel. Don’t be fooled by the on-court fits, people, and don’t act like some hipster hasn’t thought about unironically sporting suspenders during an open-gym run. Also, the Hickory short shorts are back. (No clue about a well-manicured side part, though.)

These two are a mix of brains, brawn, and heart. Chitwood didn’t want to play for any coach other than Hackman, and Urkel didn’t want to share his Bulls season tickets with anyone other than his best friend Eddie. (However, you know he would’ve ditched him in a heartbeat if Laura showed interest.)

This will be the end of the road for one Cinderella, and an Elite Eight for the other.