The Sports Nihilist takes on the Sweet 16

Welcome to Deadspin’s The Sports Nihilist, where all is for naught and we are but accidental jolts of electrified meat stuck to the surface of a rock in an indifferent universe. Fuck you.

Jalen Rose famously says you got to give the people what they want, and the internet wants venom. It’s sustained on negativity. Your goddamn negativity. There’s a Force-Darkside analogy in here somewhere, but I’m not sure where the insult is, so let’s skip it.

You know what kind of slideshow does numbers that make digital media companies salivate like ravenous dogs? Insufferable fanbases. You know what kind of late-afternoon throwaway post with offhand jokes gets Twitter riled up? A negative one. How about a headline predicting an early end to a talented player’s career? Hell fucking yeah. Never mind that he could be good for the game and possibly your team, bury this clown alive.

You see, the thing about going online and saying some shit is I get a paycheck to justify it. I’m just a professional doing a job; it’s nothing personal. I know that’s what the bad guy says to the good guy right before getting his head blown off for committing a personal and very heinous crime. And I’m cool with being the villain.

When nothing matters, the only thing that matters is how you feel, and I have to say, I feel enough to get up every day and keep going. I’m doing pretty well at my job. My columns get clicks, my output is near the top of Deadspin, and I sleep great at night.

A logical person who cares about empathy and journalistic integrity might be appalled to hear me say that, but I’m fine being that guy — taking on the internet, calling out others because I refuse to look inward, quickly aggregating semi-viral moments for a few easy page views, and drinking myself to sleep at night.

What is spiraling debt if money is merely a figment of capitalism? I’ll be at peace when the world ends not with a bang but with the gradual erosion of our ecosystem as the laws of nature strangle out life from this planet, turning us into a science project for a smarter more intelligent species to discover and study.

If you’re (still reading and) saying to yourself, “I thought this guy was supposed to be making fun of the Sweet 16?” It’s coming. Take it easy you fucking hyena. You can click “Next slide” at any point. I have a few more insults to hurl at people who spend their day inhaling hate.

Well, actually, that about sums it up, so now for the part that you’ve all been waiting for: The negativity. My apologies if the following jokes are really bad. I’m literally cranking them out as fast as I can.

It’s nice to see Tom Izzo back in the Sweet 16. I don’t have a punchline. I’m legitimately happy for the Spartans.

This feels like a better opportunity to make fun of Kansas than Kansas State. However, Gradey Dick jokes are cliché, and I don’t want the karma that comes with making fun of a coach with a heart condition considering my current BMI.

I just want to reiterate this for pale white sports figures thinking about whipping their shirts off in front of a camera: It’s only funny if you’re doing it with 100 percent seriousness like Eric Musselman. We want unintentional comedy, not Kirk Cousins and Adam Schefter competing to see who can make people say “Turn it off” the fastest.

This is more for the women’s team. Do Huskie fans actually like Geno Auriemma? If ever there was a guy worthy of the name Gradey Dick, it’s Geno.

Isn’t this the school where Carl Pelini (Bo Pelini’s brother) resigned after allegedly doing cocaine and bong hits with students? (Carl Pelini allegedly admitted via text that “he uses drugs on occasion.”) That’s the most Florida man thing a Florida coach not named Urban Meyer has ever done.

The Rick Barnes jokes really write themselves, and I don’t really feel like writing one, so ask Chat GPT to do it.

Shit, shit, shit. I need a (F)ew DUI joke(s) before the buzzer sounds. Dammit, I always choke under pressure.

[Editor’s note: In October, Gonzaga head coach Mark Few pleaded guilty to misdemeanor driving under the influence in Idaho.]

The Bruins are actually my pick to win in the one pool I still have a shot to win, so I don’t have the requisite anger toward them to come up with a good joke other than something about how Jaime Jaquez Jr. looks like a knockoff Adam Morrison. Which reminds me, I should’ve made fun of him for that “One Shining Moment” ad in the Gonzaga section. (Although the real person I want to heave barbs at from that commercial is Greg Oden. Portland never forgets.)

I have nothing but envy for all things San Diego — the weather, the fish tacos, the surfing, and the proximity to Tijuana. The only cursory knowledge I have of their hoops team is Kawhi Leonard went there, which gives me an in to add insult to the Clippers’ injuries. So, I guess, load management much?

I absolutely am not touching this. Just like Nick Saban wouldn’t if Bryce Young was in a, umm, predicament, and not some freshman defensive back. But nice try, Satan.

Well, damn, the men’s team doesn’t have an influencer playing point guard, so this is going to take some research, which I absolutely refuse to do for clickbait slideshows. So I’m just going to wait awkwardly until you move on to the next slide.

I need a ruling on how people feel about recruiting violations, of which Cougars coach Kelvin Sampson has committed hundreds. The main gripe I hear about college sports is how unseemly it all is. There’s no end to hush-hush payments, scandals, the exploitation of an unpaid workforce, etc. But do we care anymore? (I don’t care about it, or anything for that matter.)

I know the NCAA acts like violations are a no-no, but they don’t really enforce anything of consequence. It’d be nice if the NCAA just came out like Elon Musk and said we’re not going to regulate anything. At least keep it transparent.

The Ivy League, running the free world and the Illuminati since the 1700s. Even though I’m 99 percent certain Princeton isn’t the school with the historic comedy program (newspaper?), I find it funny that people would pay that kind of tuition to learn to write jokes. All it takes to do that is a traumatic upbringing and too much time left to your own devices or in front of a TV.

I’ll just copy and paste this joke from the one I dropped in the work slack because it got a laughing emoji. Princeton playing Creighton aka the first time Blue Jay fans will be on the other side of the superiority complex. The people who will laugh the hardest at that are Nebraska Cornhusker fans, but I’d have to explain that considering Charles Barkley and Kenny Smith had no idea what state or city Creighton is from when CBS quizzed them about the teams they’re analyzing.

Here’s a not-so-fun fact, and I didn’t know this until my coworker wrote about it, Sean Miller’s former assistant went to prison over some recruiting/bribery scheme stemming from his time at Arizona under Miller. (Miller was cleared of any wrongdoing by the NCAA.) So, I guess there are some entities who do care about scandals in college athletics, and apparently it’s the Feds. Yeesh.

I’ll say this about the Longhorns, they better learn to corrupt their morals real quick or else the SEC is going to wash them. Did you see how Alabama handled the Miller situation? Chris Beard would still be stomping around on the sidelines in Austin if conference pride was the only thing that mattered. Hell, Beard is already onto his next SEC overhaul at Ole Miss. Get a clue, UT. You’re not in the Big 12 anymore.