The Mourning After: Canes Eliminate Rangers, Plague-Ravaged Marlins Blank Orioles

We’ve had our first ejection out of the NHL bubble, as the New York Rangers never came close to beating the Carolina Hurricanes and have hence been punted out of Toronto. I hope they line them outside the hotel and loudly shut the gate behind them as all the players of the teams still competing watch from their windows, perhaps waving white hankies at them.

The unquestioned highlight of the game, and series, was Sebastien Aho force-feeding Tony DeAngelo the red pill and revealing the true nature of the world to him. DeAngelo has been an outspoken MAGA asswipe, including being a racist and homophobic fuckstick when he was in juniors. Considering the attempts the NHL is making at being part of the Black Lives Matter movement (however small and ham-handed they’ve been at times), DeAngelo is clearly the type of player they’ll either have to change, silence, or remove. So there is particular joy in watching him get turned into putty to sentence his team to an offseason. Hopefully it’s a metaphor for what’s to come in the near future.

The pang of sadness was watching Henrik Lundqvist sit on the bench, and what may be his last appearances as a New York Ranger. He was removed as starter, and both Alex Georgiev and Igor Shesterkin outplayed him this year and are the future in the crease for the Blueshirts. Georgiev was rumored to be taking the starting role for the start of the series before getting hurt.

Lundqvist was just about the only reason to watch the Rangers for many years and is a team legend. He has one year left on his deal, and the Rangers probably will see if the handsomest man in hockey can be moved. It certainly was his last go as the Rangers starter, and staying in New York will mean at best splitting starts with one of the kids. But less starts means more shots of his un-messed hair on the bench. Seriously, the dude’s locks are made out of Annie Lennox’s voice.

Speaking of the NHL, they had their first scary injury of their return, and perhaps the strangest, when Jake Muzzin had to be carted off the ice at the very end of the Leafs’ win over the Jackets. What exactly Muzzin was trying to accomplish by launching himself into the knee Oiliver Bjorkstrand like a puppy who hasn’t realized quite how his legs work yet is a true mystery, but left him with his head needing a brace and a stay in the hospital.

The kicker for Muzzin, with every report so far saying that he’s doing well, is that now that he’s left the bubble he’ll be unable to play or practice with his team for at least four days. Muzzin clearly has bigger concerns at the moment, but a strange quirk of the bubble is that an injury as scary as this will prevent him from playing for a completely different reason.

In exhibit AAH of how the Baltimore Orioles are the embodiment of society-wide sadness, they managed to get shut out by whichever collection of rescue dogs are parading around as the Miami Marlins right now. The Marlins weren’t even cleared to play until about two hours before the game, needing multiple rounds of tests after initial ones came back inconclusive. The Marlins hadn’t played in nine days nor been able to even work out, and yet Pablo Lopez threw six shutout innings against the lineup of Orioles who looked on with all the enthusiasm of a staff meeting.

This should also mark the last time we ever talk about a Marlins-Orioles game, otherwise we would have to declare ourselves a succubus of society (more so than usual) and go sit in a self-dug hole in the woods. Thank you for your time.