Adolescents and Devices - Tips and Ideas to Implement Now!

School is starting soon! With that, you may find you are going to be struggling more with your adolescents around the use of devices. There is a lot of talk and research going on today in regards to kids and teens with the use of smart phones and related devices. Some research focuses on the addiction and brain activity, whereas other information is around managing the issues at home.

I’ve worked with many families where this is a large problem, and find that focusing on strengthening parenting around this issue is helpful. Examples include battling with bed time and getting up for school, family interaction, inappropriate online activity; and excessive use of technology affecting behavior, attitude, self-worth, grades and other activities.

Kids are intelligent on this topic, and will outsmart parents at many turns. I’ve been aware of some who will steal devices if theirs is taken away, create secret accounts parents are not aware of on social media to hide from parental oversight, and negotiate and manipulate the terms they want. It can be technical gymnastics to keep up with it. Starting with some practical parenting tips may help. This is a family global issue, and requires all hands on deck! Below are some areas to consider:

Who is the parent? Some parents I have worked with are afraid to utilize their power. This may be based on fears of kids intense emotional reactions (tantrums, suicidal threats and violence-yes, it happens). It may also be a product of the how the parent’s own background plays into parenting. In a multi-parent household, the adults need to be on the same page! It’s not unusual for parents to disagree or handle certain behaviors differently. However, if you are not on the same page, kids will run through any and all gaps.

Model good behavior. While I have worked with many families where the kids are the problems on devices, I’ve also seen the reverse. Kids who claim they cannot get their parents attention; and I’ve witnessed this as well. Set the example but carving out quality time in the family, putting the device away at dinner time, and not taking a device to bed.

Engage kids in setting the rules. Starting at the beginning, set rules. Often this happens, but the adherence gets lost. And while kids may believe and intend to follow the rules, the right vs. privilege is interrupted once they become attached. Explain the difference and have real conversations with all parties participating. Rather than always dictating (though sometimes it’s necessary), work together to have them own the responsibility they request. Come up with an agreement. You can put pen to paper and write up a contract. It’s best if this is done prior to providing a device; and some experts say that kids under 10 should not have devices. Have your tweens and teens assess their values and responsibilities, and how a phone may interfere with that if they are not responsible. Rules may include hours of use, social networking dos and don’ts (bullying, sexually explicit photos, chatting with strangers, illegal activities). Create and discuss requirements such as no devices in bedrooms at night. Create a family phone/charging space in the kitchen or other area. The number one manipulation of this rule is the statement of needing music to sleep or an alarm clock. There’s always a solution-go retro with an old fashioned clock radio!

Educate, monitor and let go. Determine the parameters of security, confidentiality and autonomy. Adolescent behavior typically and normally moves away from parents and toward peers, and device and social networking is part of that. Allow some of that space for them to develop those social skills and reasonable privacy. However, clearly outline situations in which you may need to delve into their activities in order to protect and guide them. Help them to understand examples of ‘once something is out there, it’s out there-and you have lost control and privacy’. While they may not always make the right choices, their conscious and awareness of right and wrong will hopefully activate when needed. As a reminder, not all kids are developmentally equal at a specific age. You may need to determine that individually with each family member.

Consequences. Work together and have them help you in determining what should happen if their grades drop abnormally, if they are caught behaving inappropriately, or unable to go to bed and get up as needed for school. Beware of using the phone as a one-size-fits-all punishment. Many parents yank a phone away as punishment for various transgressions, only to hand it right back because of the parent’s own anxiety. I.e. “I need to be able to reach them”. Consequences without follow through are not consequences. Talk with them about your concerns and, most importantly, be opening to listening to them.

Implement ways to keep them otherwise engaged. This will help with balancing technology and the rest of the world. I know of some parents who require their kids to read books, take family outings away from technology (walks, bowling, picnic, board game night, etc.) and/or have a device free weekend periodically. Create rules such as no phones at the dinner table and attempt to have conversation!

When should you reach out for professional help? It may be a good idea to contact a counselor when you see the following:
-The cycles of fights and lack of communication are not improving. Help may be needed in strengthening family relationships or parenting. Sometimes kids can work through their own concerns with a counselor.
-Noticing significant concerns and changes in behavior (depression, anger, isolation, drop in grades, loss of interest in other activities). Many times kids may have underlying conditions such as depression or anxiety, and the device usage becomes a catalyst for bringing it to the surface.
A few resources:
https://www.verywell.com/signs...
http://www.webmd.com/parenting...
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20/20 (ABC Television), air date 5/19/17. http://abc.go.com/shows/2020/e...

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