Is it Time for a Marriage Tune-Up?

Is it Time for a Marriage Tune-Up?

We’ve moved past New Year’s Resolutions and Valentine’s Day, now it’s time for Spring Cleaning. I recently had an oil change on my car right on schedule, which prompted me to think about maintenance. How do couples know when it’s time for a Tune-Up?

Some incidents may immediately send couples to dialing a counselor, such as infidelity. Other issues are a bit more insidious and sneak up on the relationship. It may be a good idea to not ignore them, and taking a proactive or early approach may be helpful. Somewhere between marital bliss and crisis might be in the Tune-Up zone. Here are a few examples I’ve seen in working with couples and families.

Connection is lost. You find yourselves functioning separately in the same space, but not as a unit. Some couples I have worked with describe it as feeling like roommates, or living lives but not spending time together doing anything that feels like a relationship.

Intimacy changes. This can be physical and/or emotional. The responsibilities of daily life can interfere with intimacy and romance may get lost. At what point do you recognize it, and determine if it’s challenging the relationship? Sometimes it’s OK. Other times, one or both partners are feeling the loss. Later in life challenges may include effects of menopause or couples deciding it’s time for separate bedrooms (often due to snoring or sleep schedule differences).

Arguments. Are you having the same old arguments repeatedly? This is a clear sign that differences are not being resolved, the skills of communication are lacking, or past wounds are still raw. Most of the time, the thing a couple is fighting about is not the real issue. Learning how to tap into that and understand one another is a good goal for counseling.

Phase of life, major life changes. There is no doubt that if you are married or in a relationship for many years, you will be impacted by phases of life and the changes that come with them. Whether these events are positive, negative, exciting or stressful, changes can impact the dynamics and functioning of a relationship. In particular, if it is not discussed or realized how the change may impact one or both members. While some couples may glide through them unscathed, others may need a little help. Here are a few examples:

-Death of a parent or other family member. I worked with grief counseling for several years. Couples are often stuck on how to connect with, and understand, the style or depth of the other’s grief.

-Loss, gain or change of jobs. This can mean changes to time together, finances, division of household labor and other domestic arrangements.

-Having children. Managing phases of children’s ages and stages with parenting styles, and empty nest.

This is very large topic, and the above examples are a brief snapshot. I often say that relationships are like individuals and snowflakes, no two are alike. And what may come in a relationship can be both predicable and unpredictable. If you are feeling the need to approach challenging changes and issues, reaching out to a counselor may be a great first step before emotions and situations escalate.