Here’s Why Tim Was Shouted Out As 2024 Grad

CHICAGO, IL — Graduation is a major milestone and deserves to be celebrated! That's why Patch and T-Mobile have teamed up to recognize our community's outstanding 2024 graduates.

This submission comes from Karen Anderson who nominated Tim of Chicago.

Graduate’s name

Tim

What grade is the graduate finishing?

College

What school is your graduating student graduating from?

DePaul

How do you know your graduating student nominee?

Son

Tell us why they deserve to be nominated!

Tim has many events in life that could have prevented him from college. Tim is now 36 years old. He is married to Rachel and has a 2 1/2 year old son.

He cares for his son, Jonathan, while his wife has job that requires her to travel often. He takes great care of their son along with going to college full time.

What's one thing you want everyone to know about your graduating student nominee?

He is very nice to everyone. He wrote an open letter that I would like to share. He was 20 when he wrote it:

Why Tinder is ruining dating.

Let me just start out by saying, I’m not an expert on this. Dating is something that has eluded me, most of my life. I’ve only ever really asked out one girl, many times. And I’m still no closer than I was when I began. But this is not about that. It is about something else. Something that has pirated the very idea of relationships, and the way we pursue love. It’s the game. Dating has always been a challenge.

Today, we’ve reduced it to a game we play. I’m just going to address one of the “games,” this time. Tinder. We swipe right, and left, until we’ve reached the end of the level. Then, we’re encouraged to, ”keep playing!"

This is coming from observations of friends who use play the game. Who are trying to “swipe” their way into happiness. And if I’m really honest, I don’t see them any happier now, than before this “game” entered our lives.

Is this for real? Are we kidding ourselves? There are so many games in the dating world. Hard to get, hot and cold, how long to wait before you text back, etc.

To be perfectly honest, I’ve only learned about the games we play, recently. I’ve been coached, coerced, and led to believe that there is a formula to winning. That if I played the game just right, then I’d end up with someone who might eventually stop playing the game long enough, to actually be themselves, too.

You see, I was (am) a hopeless romantic. I cared too much. I was too honest. I listened (still do) to Dashboard Confessional, and Jimmy Eat World. Loving another person, was all I’ve ever wanted. Nice guys finish last, doesn’t even cover the reality of who I’ve been. I had no idea what I was supposed to do! Should I be up front, and say how I feel? Do I play it cool, and ignore her, until somehow, she likes me? I didn’t even really realize how much I didn’t know about dating. Because it was (is) a game. And it’s only getting worse.

When you reduce your approach to dating, to opening an app that feels like a game, what do you expect? Swipe until you find someone who, in a split second, you think is attractive, then keep swiping. That’s the game, then if they swiped the same way, you have a “match.” You may start texting, continuing the strategy of defensive dating. Keeping all of your walls up, and projecting the imaginary you to the world. Eventually, after thousands (I wish I was exaggerating) of swipes, you might end up on a date with someone you like. Maybe

Now, it’s not all bad. The positive side, is that you may take a chance that you’ve been to. Because of an app, and algorithm, you end up on a date. Maybe, you really like this person. Maybe, you think it’s going really well. Or, maybe, you’re one of four “dates” for that person, this week! I’ve heard of people going on multiple dates a day!

Just thinking of probability, the chances of meeting someone are higher with this technique. You’re nearly guaranteed to go on one date, if not many. But one thing could be missing. Authenticity. Nervousness. Wonder. Anticipation. A genuine feeling of worry, because you already know that you want to be on this date, more than anything. When you decide to go on a date with someone, because you’ve already found something you like about them, it’s totally different. You learn about that person. You watch what they do, what they like in their coffee. You care.

Not to devalue anyone’s positive experience on Tinder, but there is definitely a fatal flaw in this approach to dating.

Say for example, I’m not alone in this (I’m not). My heart is an all or nothing device. I love, and I love hard. I care, and I care endlessly. And I’m loyal, to a fault.

Over time, my heart has hardened. I’ve gotten more skeptical, and more cynical. I’ve stopped trusting others as I used to. I’ve been hurt, just as anyone else has. That’s life. And our tendencies as people, is to reduce, or eliminate the hurt in our lives. To become more protected. We screen our calls, and we turn off our “read” receipts. We want to control who can access our hearts.

So, say that there are other people who are like me. People, who love with everything they have, but have gotten “wiser,” and hold back who they are, to feel safe. We start playing the dating games that we see others play. We are aloof, overly cautious, and refuse to label our relationships. We play it cool, hard to get, and try to keep it casual.

These people are on Tinder too. They want real love too. They want to increase their chances of meeting that person, that makes you so nervous, that you can hardly stand.

It’s a shadow game. We’re all pretending, that we don’t really want the things that we really, really do. Not to say that everyone on Tinder (or XYZ dating site) has the most honorable intentions.
But, for sake of looking cool, we pretend to be the bad guy, or girl. We “put ourselves out there.” We play the field. We try to keep the power in every relationship.

Forgive me...

I will not play along.

Sure, I’ve gotten wiser over the years. I learned how to act a certain way, to get people to notice. I even learned how to read complex micro expressions, body language, and environments. All in the hope that I could learn what I’d been missing all of these years. None of that helps.

My heart is not a toy. I’m not going to play games. I’m not going to hide how I feel anymore. I’m going to be honest. The hardest thing I’ve ever done, was picking up the phone to ask a girl out for coffee. I was twenty six years old, when I did that for the first time. If I’ve learned anything since then, it is that I’ve gotten no farther by “playing it cool,” then by any other way that I’ve tried in the past. I’d rather be lonely, being the person I know I am, then to go on dozens of dates, pretending to be someone else.

A friend of mine describes me as his former self, before he began playing the game. He told me to stay who I am. To not lose that. So, I won’t. No matter the cost.

So, here’s the challenge:

Guys: Be honest. Take risks. Be “old fashion.” Pick her up for your date, even if you live in the city. Bring flowers. Tell her that you like her, even if you think it’s too early say it. If you mean it. Say it. Be a gentleman. Don’t play the game. Be yourself. If you’re a dashboard confessional-listening, thoughtful type, don’t pretend that you’re not. Be courageous enough to actually be yourself. Enough of the acting like an ass, to try to get her to like you. It may work, but it’s not right. . We’re called to lead, and have integrity. Man up. Stop playing the game. Live a life worth following. Take big risks. Live your dreams. Be the man, you’ve been designed to be. And stop playing the game!

Girls: Be honest. Take risks. Don’t turn him down, because of silly reasons. Is he a good guy? Then, give him a shot. A lot of us are so scared to ask someone out, that when we do, it really matters to us. Don’t go on dates to fill a void. Don’t play the game. Don’t play the game. If you like him, it’s okay to tell him. We actually like that. Be bold. Stop dating jackasses. Give the weirdly honest guy a shot. Mystery is overrated. A lot of times, it’s fabricated. (Seriously, we have dozens of social media accounts to prove it). Be you. Be yourself. The beauty that has always had men enamored, comes from inside. Find yourself, and follow your dreams. Be passionate. Be crazy (the good kind). Be fun. Be you.

Remember, we’re playing a game, oftentimes, because we think you are too.

So, here’s to not playing the game, anymore. May you find what you’re looking for, through honesty, and broken hearts.

--

Congratulations on your achievements, and all of our best wishes to you in the future, Tim!

This content is brought to our community in partnership with T-Mobile.

Know an outstanding student who deserves a shout-out?

Nominate them here.