Jealousy

One of the most powerful human emotions, usually coming unbidden, unwanted, is jealousy. It is a normal, universal emotion, of which we are all capable. It's important to accept that, for jealously is much more dangerous to a relationship if one or both partners are unaware of its presence. The unwatched pot is the one which can boil over.

Feelings of jealously are not necessarily bad or destructive. They can awaken—or reawaken—us to how important another is to us. Many have utilized jealously to win or re-win their partners. Yet they are toying with a volcano, and must know when and where to pull back, or the results could prove explosive. As Secudessaid, "Jealousy is delightful during courtship, practically essential to the first year of marriage, but after that, Chinese torture."

People react differently to feelings of jealousy. The most instinctive response is to become aggressive, to fight for what we believe is rightfully ours. Some rationalize by telling themselves the other isn't worth it, or that they are above such emotions. Others repress or suppress their feelings, as if they are not there. Still others withdraw from the other and the situation. Then there are those who choose to play the martyr, seeking to elicit guilt and sympathy. Finally, there are those who sadistically want the other to suffer as much or more than they believe they themselves have suffered. None of these strategies resolve the jealousy, for none constructively address the issue with the person involved.

It is one thing to feel jealousy; it is another to act on it. You can and must learn to control emotions like jealousy. When it arises in you, ask yourself why. Look for more positive ways of seeing and interpreting the situation. Examine your own attitude or frame of mind. Are you riddled with self-doubt, or doubt about the other's loyalty? Your attitude can make what is innocent seem flirtatious, what is trivial seem significant.

Test out your feelings with the loved one involved, and to do so early, with as little emotion as possible. Share your concern in a non-threatening manner; do not wade in as if accusing the other. Respect the other's viewpoint as much as your own. This is of course very difficult to do, especially when you are under the sway of jealousy; then you might believe only yourself, only your jealousy. Othello did that, and killed his perfectly innocent wife, Desdemona over a lost handkerchief.

Certain modes of love are possessive. Romantic love is all about the "one flesh," the exclusive territory of mutuality. Parental love is deeply possessive. Wherever you invest your heart, wherever you identify with another as somehow a part of yourself, you become vulnerable to jealously. With such love you expect some kind of payoff, whether a good marriage or a successful child. Where love expects something back, where love is a giving and receiving, where a bond of common life is formed, jealousy can always arise. If the other gives to someone else what you want or expect to be given to you, jealously will emerge to warn you that something is wrong in the love.

Not all love relationships are possessive. When you do for others out of the desire to give rather than the hunger to get something in return, jealously is less likely to arise. When you love others for who they are rather than for what they do for you, you'll let them go their way, without feeling possessive or jealous.

Doubt intensifies jealousy. Doubt about yourself and your ability to hold on to the other, doubt about the other's faithfulness, can generate jealously, like weather fronts deadly winds. The antidotes to jealousy are self-esteem and self-confidence. They protect what jealousy would destroy.