Celebrants share their tips for writing heartfelt wedding vows

Whether you're not great with words or public speaking terrifies you, writing wedding vows can be tricky.

"[Writing vows] might be the one thing that gives couples the most angst of all about their wedding day," says Jen King, a writer and marriage celebrant from Mullumbimby, on Bundjalung country in northern NSW.

"You're exposing your vulnerabilities in front of all your guests. You're showing your emotional side."

So how do you get the ball rolling? And what should you include, and avoid?

Why writing wedding vows can be difficult

Eddie Lemos Couto is a marriage celebrant in Boorloo/Perth and says couples should feel welcomed to reach out to their celebrant for help.

"A lot of people know exactly how they feel about each other but putting [that feeling] into words is a different matter," he says.

"Not everyone is good with words. I [tell couples], 'It's a good thing you are hiring someone who is — I can help you."

Your celebrant may be able to provide questions, prompts, links to inspiration, and offer to read over your words and provide feedback.

There are templates you can find online, but all of the celebrants we spoke to recommended at least putting your own spin on things.

How to get started

Brooke O'Donnell, a Palyku woman and celebrant also based in Boorloo/Perth, recommends getting started on your vows early.

"If you're planning a wedding that is a year away, start writing," she says.

When writing vows, Ms King suggests imagining you are telling your loved one why you want to marry them.

"You're telling them … how they make you feel, what you will bring to the marriage, and what you are looking forward to together once you are married," she says.

She says to "tune everyone else out" and write it as though you are speaking directly to your partner.

"It's not about anyone else except you and the person you are about to marry."

Although in blended families, Ms O'Donnell says you might like to acknowledge stepchildren and what you promise for them also.

How long should wedding vows be?

There are no strict rules, but if you're looking for a ballpark length, Ms King recommends 200 words.

"First of all, everyone wants to see you get married, and then get to the bar and start drinking," she says.

"You could tell [your partner] more in a card.

"Pulling out the most important things for vows will have the most impact."

Mr Lemos Couto says he will tailor a ceremony around how long a person's vows are. The only time he asks couples to tweak is when there is an imbalance.

"I might tell someone to write less or write more when … someone is talking for five minutes and the other for five seconds," he says.

What you shouldn't write in your wedding vows

Mr Lemos Couto says people should be careful to avoid making promises they won't be able to keep.

"Don't tell them you will stop smoking. Don't say 'from this point onwards I will go to the gym every day'," he says

Cliches should also be avoided, Ms King says.

"Things like, 'When I see you, my world lights up.'"

Lastly, don't forget to say 'I love you' in one way or another, Ms O'Donnell says.

She has commonly seen people "forget to state the obvious".

"Sometimes the most very obvious things are actually all you need."

You can be playful — but it's not comedy

Ms King says vows don't have to be all heartfelt and it's OK to have some fun with it.

But she warns turning the whole thing into a "comedy act" can fall flat with your spouse.

"You can imagine in front of all your friends, you feel awkward, so you turn it into a bit of a joke to get some laughs," she says.

Mr Lemos Couto says some couples take unique approaches, such as "ninja vows", which is when partners write each other's words, and read them aloud during the ceremony for the first time.

Alternatively, some couples choose to be private with their vows, and exchange before or after the ceremony in the form of a letter, explains Ms O'Donnell.

"[For those couples] I will just do the legal vows, and they have said their personal vows in secret."