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What You Should Know About Texting and Dating

Want To Be a Better Texter While Dating? Here Are 9 Foolproof Tips

June 14, 2024

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According to a recent study by the app Happn, texting is the most popular way for people to communicate in the early stages of dating and relationships, with 81% of people saying they prefer it to talking on the phone.

While texting certainly can’t take the place of face-to-face conversations — particularly when exploring deeper topics — there’s no denying that it’s convenient for confirming date plans, quickly checking in during the work day, and even engaging in a little flirting between meet-ups.

But here’s the thing: you can only reap the benefits of texting — and avoid the risks — if you’re doing it right.

Looking to be a better texter in the dating context? Read on.

The Importance of Texting in Modern Dating

A poll by Statista found that 38% of couples exchange more than 11 texts per day, and over 55% of couples exchange more than 5.

“Texting is now a ubiquitous tool in modern communication, and, as such, plays an important role in dating,” says Barbie Adler, founder and president of the luxury matchmaking service Selective Search.

As Adler points out, texting is a useful tool for staying in touch when you aren’t able to call — and for maintaining a strong connection in long-distance relationships.

Steffo Shambo, a relationship coach for men, also notes that texting provides an easy, fun avenue for flirting — sending memes and GIFs, letting your crush know you’re thinking about them, and even following up after dates to express some appreciation or excitement.

“However, texting also comes with drawbacks,” she adds. “It’s not always easy to convey tone via text, and too much texting can get in the way of authentic, in-person conversation.”

When used correctly, Adler says texting can be a good complement to, but not a substitute for, other forms of communication.

All that said, the role that texting plays in your own dating life all depends on your lifestyle, personality, and preferences. Some people use texting to check in with their partners throughout the day, while others would rather wait until they get home from work to catch up in person or over the phone.

There’s no right or wrong here — the key is making sure that your partner’s needs are still getting met as far as communication goes (more on that later).

Dos and Don’ts for Texting a Date

Whether you know it or not, there is such a thing as texting etiquette — and being aware of these guidelines can make or break a relationship, particularly in those early stages when you’re still trying to make a good impression.

Here are some expert-approved texting rules to follow.

Don’t: Play Hard to Get

Intentionally avoiding a response to your date’s text doesn’t come off as playing it cool — it just comes across as downright rude.

“Promptly responding to another person’s text is a sign of respect,” says Adler. “This does not mean that you need to instantly reply to every text: life can get busy, and we can’t — and shouldn’t —always be on our phones. However, leaving the other person on “read” and delaying your replies in order to create intrigue are unhealthy behaviors.”

If you’re unable to reply to your date’s text when you see it, Adler advises give them a brief heads up that you’ll get back to them when you can and assuring them that they’re not being ignored.

Do: Practice Moderation

“Communication is the foundation of healthy relationships, and knowing when not to communicate is an important part of this,” says Adler. “Texting someone too much can come off as needy or intrusive, and the constant pinging or vibrating in their pocket can distract them from important goings-on in their everyday lives.”

A major component of being in a relationship is acknowledging and respecting the other person’s need for time and space, explains Adler.

Plus, Adler notes that communicating too much over text can leave you with less to talk about when you see your date in person.

Don’t: Rely on Generic Openers

As tempting as it may be to fall back on trusty openers like “hey,” or “what’s up?” a little creativity and thoughtfulness can go a long way — particularly in those early stages of dating.

“These kinds of openers kill the conversation because they don't give the other person much to respond to,” explains Shambo. “Instead, reference something specific from a previous chat to show you were listening.”

For instance, you might let your date know that you just started watching that show they recommended, or share that you just saw their favorite band is coming to town next week.

They’ll be impressed that you remembered these small details about their interests — and moreover, you’re more likely to spark a lively discussion.

Do: Ask Open-Ended Questions

Provided you’re dating someone who actually enjoys texting, Shambo suggests using open-ended questions — like “What was the best part of your day”? Or “Is there anything on your summer bucket list we can cross off when we meet up next”?

These are far more likely to keep the momentum going in a conversation than yes-or-no questions.

“This continues building rapport between dates,” Shambo tells AskMen. “One-word answers kill conversations.”

Don’t: Overuse Sarcasm

Because you can’t convey tone as well over text, it’s important to be careful when using humor. When you tease someone in person, certain facial expressions, body language, or gestures can let them know you’re only kidding — but that doesn’t translate over text, says Adler.

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“Certain messages — especially those intended to be funny or ironic — may leave your date feeling confused about how to interpret them,” she explains. “It’s fine to joke over text, but if it’s early on in the relationship, your date might not be familiar with your sense of humor, which can sometimes cause misunderstandings.”

Do: Use Emojis

Emojis can be a great way to add some emotional flair to your texts — a simple wink can add a flirty vibe or let your date know you’re kidding, while a heart-eyes emoji can emphasize just how excited you are to see them later.

According to Shambo, these visuals can help to partly make up for the lack of cues that inherently come with in-person interaction.

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“In small doses, these can be helpful for getting your point across or making your partner laugh,” says Adler.

That said, Adler cautions against overdoing it on the emojis.

“Using them in moderation and being sensitive to the context of how they may come across is important for ensuring clear communication on both sides,” she tells AskMen.

Don’t: Have Serious Convos Over Text

“While texting is well-suited to some types of communication — such as making plans or touching base — it is not equipped to handle more in-depth conversations,” says Adler. “A serious discussion about any aspect of your relationship or your life should be done in person, as texting is not capable of capturing all of the nuances of in-person communication.”

According to Adler, you’re even better off talking on the phone about something serious, since you can hear each other’s tone of voice.

“Initiating a serious conversation over text might also make the other person think that you are unwilling or incapable of having this discussion in person, which might cause them to question how seriously you take the relationship,” adds Adler. “Having these discussions face-to-face is a sign of respect and emotional maturity.”

Do: Be Consistent

“Consistency is a key part of texting etiquette,” says Adler.

If you’re instantly responding to all of your date’s messages one day, and then suddenly go MIA for two full days, that can send mixed signals that throw the other person off balance.

“Similarly, if you are responding to them with paragraphs on one day and single words on the other, with no explanation as to why, they might begin to question whether you are truly interested in them,” explains Adler.

In order to build some trust with your date, Adler recommends trying to be consistent in frequency, length, and tone.

“If you know that something in your life will make consistent responding more challenging — like traveling, an especially busy work week, or a family emergency — just let the other person know so that they don’t jump to conclusions.”

Don’t: Get Too Sexual Too Soon

It’s one thing to send a nude or a racy invitation when you’ve been in a serious relationship with someone for six months. It’s quite another to make that gesture when you’ve been on three dates.

“Unless that rapport is well established already, don't send unsolicited sexual content,” says Shambo. “It might make the recipient uncomfortable. Wait until you know for certain it would be welcomed.”

How to Deal With Mismatched Dating Styles

If you despise texting but you’re dating an avid texter — or vice versa — fret not: Your relationship isn’t doomed. However, you will need to find a way to strike a compromise to ensure you’re both feeling satisfied with the communication.

So, how do you find a balance that you’re both comfortable with? First, consider asking your date outright what their texting habits are like so you can avoid any hurtful misunderstandings.

“It’s good to have an open conversation about your texting preferences early on in the relationship,” says Adler. “While it might seem strange to have an in-person conversation about how you like to text, it can help you both get a clearer understanding of where the other person is coming from and prevent you from taking certain texting behaviors the wrong way.”

For example, let’s say your partner loves texting but you tend to prefer other modes of communication. If you don’t share this information early on, they might assume that your lack of texting reflects your lack of interest in them or enthusiasm about the relationship. But if they know that texting isn’t your thing, they won’t take it personally.

“Give grace and don't make assumptions about slow responders,” adds Shambo.

As for how to meet in the middle, Adler says you might agree to call instead of text unless you’re making plans or need to communicate something while you’re still at the office.

“Regardless of the particular solutions you take, what matters most is that both parties understand and agree to it,” says Adler.

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