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Understanding Body Language in Sex & Dating Contexts

Experts Decode What Their Body Language May Be Telling You in Bed or on a Date

August 9, 2024

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If you want to get better at reading people in a dating context, understanding some body language basics can be seriously useful.

And this isn’t just about using pickup artist techniques to seduce people — rather, it can give you a clear understanding of when someone is responding positively or negatively to your presence, words, and actions.

Being able to easily tell the difference between a non-verbal response that says, ‘Yes, I like this, please continue’ and one that says, ‘Hey, I’m feeling seriously uncomfortable right now’ can save both you and the people you’re trying to date a lot of unnecessary negative experiences.

So, in order to better understand the basics when it comes to body language in sex and dating contexts, AskMen spoke to a handful of experts. Here’s what they had to say:

Relationship Between Body Language & Emotions

There’s ample scientific evidence that how we feel emotionally can have impacts both positive and negative on our physical health; meanwhile, that same physical health can have obvious impacts on our emotions and psychological state.

Take that a step further and you get the concept of body language: the idea that, when people feel certain ways, their bodies often react in predictable, observable ways that can give us useful clues as to their internal state — clues that can often be just as useful, if not more so, than interpreting what they’re saying out loud.

“Body language and mood or internal state are deeply connected and each informs the other,” says Sabrina Bendory, dating and relationships expert for Dating.com. “When we are feeling good internally, it radiates outward. Our body language is open, receptive, and relaxed. Conversely, when we’re feeling stressed or anxious, we may be stiff, tight, and closed off.”

Dating coach Diane Brandon Moody says that studies suggest nonverbal aspects make up a significant part of how humans communicate.

“Much of nonverbal communication is completely unconscious,” she adds. “If that communication is incongruent (meaning words and body language don’t match), you’ll be more likely to believe the nonverbal. You may not even know why you don’t believe the words coming out of that other person’s mouth.”

However, if a person is saying something you want to hear — like, for instance, that they’re having a good time on a date with you — this may lead you to ignore the body language signs that suggest otherwise. Taking their body language into account, on the other hand, could give you a clearer picture.

However, Jess O’Reilly notes that it’s important not to over-focus on body language, as, while it can be helpful, it can also be misinterpreted, just as words can.

“It’s natural to want to categorize behaviors — including body language,” says Jess O'Reilly, a relationship expert at Tinder. “We want to categorize behaviors like body language to create a sense of predictability and understanding in our interactions. These shorthand interpretations help us navigate social dynamics without the need for explicit conversations, reducing the potential for awkwardness or rejection.”

“However,” O’Reilly adds, “it's important to acknowledge that this isn't entirely realistic — while they can serve as helpful guidelines, they are inherently flawed. Body language varies greatly among individuals and contexts, and relying too heavily on these interpretations can lead to misunderstandings.”

So, rather than thinking of it as a master key for unlocking all the secrets of human interaction, instead, you can think of it as another (often important) thing to keep in mind when navigating interactions with other people.

Body Language in Dating Contexts

Given the relationship between our emotions and our physical state, it’s not exactly surprising to consider that there is an intimate and meaningful link between people’s romantic or sexual feelings and their body language, since attraction and arousal can have such significant emotional weight for so many people.

In dating contexts, “it’s important to have an understanding of how the other person is feeling so you can gauge what direction to take things,” says Bendory.

To get an idea of how this can play out in a dating context, Moody suggests that you imagine a man on a date with a woman.

“The man may be telling the woman all about himself,” she says. “In response, she says ‘I like you and am interested in getting to know you better.’ However, she leans back against the booth while he’s speaking, crosses her arms and looks around the room. Do you think she’s interested in him?”

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As Moody points out, “Her actions give a completely different story than her words. Her body language and words are incongruent.”

Why would she say something polite like that when she doesn’t really mean it? It comes down to the desire to make the other person comfortable rather than hurt.

“Most of us don’t want to feel rejected or do something that would make someone else uncomfortable,” Bendory says.

Because of the way women are typically raised — i.e. they are often taught to care more about other people’s feelings than their own — they may be especially likely to say things that give the impression of interest when there is none, though Moody notes that this can happen in interactions between people of any gender or sexuality.

So, if you’re a man who dates women, it’s useful to remember there’s a chance your date will find it difficult to clearly and directly convey disinterest or displeasure. Keeping this in mind, you can watch for body language signs that may offer a clearer picture of what’s going on — though, as O’Reilly says, you should take the below cues as guidelines and hints rather than as fool-proof and clear-cut rules.

Body Language Signs of Attraction

Open Body Posture: This looks like someone who’s sitting or standing with “Shoulders back, body open wide, and facing you,” says O’Reilly. “Some research suggests that expansive body language is more attractive and welcoming, signaling that the person may be inviting new connections.”
Sustained Eye Contact: If you’re both “looking directly in each other’s eyes,” Moody notes, that could be a sign of mutual interest, as eye contact is often associated with attraction.
Physical Touch: If someone’s “finding innocent ways to touch the other person (picking lint off a sweater, putting your arm on their shoulder while laughing at their joke, putting your knee next to theirs while sitting next to each other),” says Bendory, that’s a good clue that there may be attraction in the mix.
Self-Grooming: This could look like someone who “flips or twists [their] hair,” per Moody, or is adjusting their clothing, according to Bendory — it could be a sign that they’re thinking about their body and appearance in relationship to your perceiving it.
Mirrored Body Language: “Mimicking your body language can be a sign of empathy, trust, and closeness,” O’Reilly says. “When someone mirrors your behaviors, it can suggest they are forming a connection and potentially feeling attraction.”
Leaning In: If two people are “leaning forward towards each other while chatting,” Moody says, that’s a potential sign of mutual attraction.
Laughing & Smiling: “Genuine laughter and frequent smiling can indicate engagement, pleasure, and attraction,” says O’Reilly. “Research shows that laughter is a connector in relationships of all kinds — from the boardroom to the bedroom.”
Power Pose: When they’re talking to someone they’re attracted to, Moody says, men may “take up more space by spreading out [their] arms or legs,” as if to convey that they’re bigger and more impressive than they really are.

Body Language Signs of Discomfort

Closed Body Language: This could take the form of “crossed arms, hunched shoulders, and turning the body away,” according to O’Reilly. As Moody notes, the person may even be unconsciously trying to protect themselves in this case.
Avoiding Eye Contact: “While some people naturally avoid eye contact, a consistent lack of it, paired with other signs of discomfort, might indicate unease,” says O’Reilly. Particularly if you notice they were engaging in eye contact earlier and now seem to be avoiding it, that could be a sign that they’ve started feeling uncomfortable.
Leaning or Moving Away: If you’re feeling uncomfortable, Bendory says, you may try to “distance yourself from the other person either by moving your body away or shifting over when sitting next to each other, and avoiding all physical contact, or being clearly uncomfortable when being touched by the other person.”
Going Quiet: If the other person is responding only in monosyllabic or terse ways, it could be a sign that they’re not enjoying themselves — particularly if they had been more talkative earlier and have since become more tight-lipped.
Fidgeting: “Excessive fidgeting, including playing with objects, tapping feet, or shifting weight, can be a sign of nervousness or discomfort,” says O’Reilly. “This behavior often reflects internal tension and a lack of ease in the situation. Of course, it’s important to note that some of us engage in these habits as a matter of comfort too; tapping can help to put us at ease, for example, which is why relying on body language alone without context is likely inadequate.”

What to Do If the Other Person Seems Uncomfortable

As mentioned above, contexts involving attraction and arousal can have elevated emotional stakes. As such, if you notice the other person’s body language seems to suggest they’re uncomfortable, it’s better to err on the side of caution than to brush it off and proceed with business as usual.

“If you’re flirting, then back off a bit,” says Bendory. “It’s possible it’s just getting too intense and the other person is nervous. Give them the space to make a choice in how they want to proceed. If they leave the conversation, they probably just aren’t interested. Never be too pushy — it’s off-putting and will make the other person very uncomfortable.”

If you’re flirting with a total stranger you’ve never met before — say, at a bar or a party — now might be a good time to make an excuse and leave them alone.

However, if you’re on a date that had otherwise been going well, particularly if you’re now in a secluded or private space, such as you’ve retreated to one of your places so it’s just the two of you, O’Reilly suggests you take a pause in the conversation as an opportunity to check in with them.

“If they’re pulling back, you can do the same (mirror their body language): pull back physically and ask them how they’re feeling,” she suggests. “Make space for a break from more intense interactions.”

“They may be comfortable expressing exactly what they want and they may not, so if you can provide options (e.g. want to chill and just watch a show?), it can help them to communicate more clearly,” O’Reilly says.

If you notice the other person’s body language seeming to express discomfort during sex, you should stop what you’re doing immediately before doing anything else, and if you’re engaged in penetration, pull out.

Depending on which position you’re in, it may be a good idea to break from it and, for instance, sit next to them or take a step back so that they have some space to themselves.

Then, Bendory says, “ask the other person if everything is OK or if they just need a moment.”

“At best, these kinds of actions could simply mean ‘slow down, you’re getting ahead of me,’” says Moody. However, “at worst, it could be an involuntary trauma response and mean ‘stop.’”

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As she notes, “This may mean ‘we’re done for the night,’ or it could mean ‘I just need to take a break and breathe.’”

In either case, she says, you should respect that wish. Someone who’s pushing past the signals of another person’s discomfort in a sexual context is highly likely to violate their consent, so it’s very important to remain conscious of what the other person is expressing with their body language.

If you misread their genuine interest as discomfort, that’s not the end of the world and you can easily restart the fun. But the inverse isn’t true — misreading their genuine discomfort as a neutral or positive response could lead to serious consequences for both participants. Better safe than sorry.

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