Rules for Casual Sex and How to Make It Work
If You're Looking for Casual Sex, Follow These 5 Golden Rules
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If you’ve spent any time on racier parts of the internet in the past few years, you’re probably familiar with ads promoting sites that’ll allow you to find casual sex partners in the area.
They’ll say things like, “Horny local MILFs looking to bang!” or “Singles near you want sex now,” using the tiniest bit of sophisticated technology to know exactly where your area is.
While those pass you by, all well and good, what about casual sex itself? Just because you could have it doesn’t mean it’s necessarily good for you or the other person — and it definitely doesn’t mean it’ll necessarily stay casual.
Like many things in life, casual sex seems like it’s easy, but in reality, true casualness is kind of tricky. People tend to develop feelings, expectations will differ wildly and what started as a fun, no-strings-attached playful time could end very, very badly.
So how exactly do you do casual sex right? Let’s find out.
What Is Casual Sex?
“Casual sex is traditionally used to define sex that is not in service of building a long-term exclusive relationship,” says Dr. Chris Donaghue, sex and intimacy expert for SKYN Condoms.
However, he notes that the term has a bit of a disparaging tone to it.
“It’s also used to undermine the health and beauty of sex for the sake of fun and pleasure only,” he notes. “We problematically assume that casual sex means it has less intimacy, care, or value than more committed sex. It’s incorrect to assume that a relationship makes sex more meaningful or healthy, as that allows toxic forms of sexuality to go unchecked because it can hide under the label of exclusivity.”
Just because the sex is casual doesn’t mean it’s bad or unhealthy as compared to sex in a committed relationship — just that it’s outside of that conception of sex.
How Common Is Casual Sex?
With all those ads for casual sex-friendly hookup sites out there, you’d think that the world would be overrun by casual sex these days. But as Dating Transformation founder Connell Barrett points out, some recent studies show that people are having less sex today than they were in generations past.
However, even if people are having less sex, casual sex is more societally acceptable than it used to be.
“Casual sex is more popular because culture is slowly getting less sex-negative and less slut shaming,” says Donaghue, “and also with the rise in female sexual empowerment, women and femmes are more confident in prioritizing goals other than partnership, yet still asking for hot, fun sex as desired, too. Sex can be about relationship, but it can also be for fun, self-soothing, pleasure or even employment, and all these uses are finally getting legitimization.”
Dos and Don’ts for Suggesting Casual Sex
If you want to have casual sex, how do you make that happen?
According to Barrett, it’s better to be direct and honest when approaching the issue.
“Be very clear with what you’re looking for,” he says. “Let them know no later than the first date that you’re seeking something casual. Say something like,
‘I’m looking for a great connection, but I’m not looking for anything long-term or serious with anyone at the moment.’
Stress the ‘with anyone’ part. Let them know this is where your head is right now.”
Regardless, you might need to go on at least one date before you get to the “fun” stage. Even then, a trial date that leads to a hookup doesn’t guarantee things will remain casual.
“Lots of Tinder users are there for a real commitment,” says Barrett. “In a 2017 survey, 61 percent of Tinder users reported being in an official relationship within three months of using the app.”
If the other person is looking for more than you are, it’s better to let them know rather than keep quiet or actively string them along.
“Never lead them on and let them think you’re open to a committed relationship, when you really just want something casual,” notes Barrett. “That’s dating with bad faith, and it’s selfish. Remember, it’s casual but it’s still sex. It can be powerful, emotional and important for one or both of you. Always be kind and compassionate.”
So long as you’re clear about your intentions and wishes, basic kindness won’t be mistaken for something more. But if you find that you’re the one looking for that emotional connection after a while, you should be honest about that, too.
“If you want something more serious with a casual sex partner, ask them out on a date,” suggests Donaghue. “Always make sure you use the word ‘date,’ so they understand your request and interest. Be open to rejection, as casual sex compatibility is typically rooted in two people who are not looking for a serious relationship.”
Worst case scenario? It might be time to have a define-the-relationship conversation.
Rules for Casual Sex
by Danielle Page
What do you do once the other person has agreed to have casual sex with you? Here’s where it can get really tricky, so pay attention.
1. Bring Protection (and Use It)
Odds are you're not going to have an adult conversation about your STD status before you get down to business. Kassie, 27, says she's shocked at how many times she's been in a situation where the guy didn't have a condom, or think it was necessary to use. "I don't know what's worse — that guys have stopped stocking up on them or that they think comments like, 'I just got tested' or 'I promise to pull out' would be enough for us to agree to do it without one," she says. "Especially after you've done all this work to pick me up at a bar and get me to go home with you, have a condom on you if you want this to happen."
An Expert's Take: Sex and relationship expert Dr. Kat Van Kirk agrees, saying that having one condom is not enough. "Bring condoms — yes, that's plural," she adds. "You need to have several on you in case of condom failure or snafus like the condom slipping off." Even in a long-term relationship, safe sex is important, but it's even more important when you're having sex with people you don't really know.
2. Pay Attention
Try not to get easily distracted, as was the case for a recent hook-up for Laura, 24. "A guy I hooked up with a few months back looked me in the eye maybe once during the entire thing ... when he put it in," she says. "The rest of the time, his phone was going off. He was literally reading updates to a poker tournament he was following throughout until I finally told him I had to go." In other words, if you're having casual sex, make sure you're all in.
An Expert's Take: "Be present," says Van Kirk. "Treat your partners with common decency by not being mentally checked out. After all, you might want to see them again."
3. Lube Is a Casual Hookup's Best Friend
Don't be afraid to use it. Lube will make it a smoother experience for both parties involved. "The last time I was having sex that was casual, I kept getting dry," says Steph, 28. "I was so desperate for anything to help me out down there that we kept using spit. Eventually, I asked him about lube, and it was only then that he pulled it out. Guys, don't be shy about this stuff. If you see us spitting like llamas in order to keep things going and you have a full bottle of whatever lube you use to jerk off, you should offer it up!"
RELATED: Everything You Need to Know About Lubricants
An Expert's Take: "Vaginal lubrication fluctuates greatly in some women depending on hormones, medication and stress," says Van Kirk. "Make sure you have some extra on hand or at least use lubed condoms. It will make sex more enjoyable for everyone."
4. Make Sure You Have Consent
Enthusiastic consent means getting a clear "yes" not only for the sex you're having, but for each new act that the two of you take part in while hooking up.
Sure, asking, "Is this OK?" over and over can make things feel less sexy, but Candace, 29 says that a heads-up on what you're about to do is a must. "The last guy I hooked up with used phrases like 'can I' and 'I want to' throughout, which doubled as a level of getting consent and dirty talk," she says. "I think that's a good way to go about it."
An Expert's Take: "Enthusiastic consent means that you need to pay attention to her verbal and physical cues," says Van Kirk. "She needs to look and act like she is into it. It's not 'no means no’ anymore, it is now 'yes means yes.'" Just because you're in a casual relationship doesn't mean you should skimp on the respect.
5. Define What It Is You're Doing (and Not Doing)
While there are plenty of methods for finding a hook-up, Samantha, 26, says that one of them should never involve being dishonest about your intentions.
"I met a guy at a friend's wedding who gave me his number and asked if he could take me out when we both got back into town," she says. "He took me on what felt like a legitimate date – dinner, drinks afterward, the whole thing. We slept together that night, and then from there he proceeded to hit me up whenever he was just trying to get some action. I would have been happy to have him as just a hookup buddy. He was hot, the sex was great but the fact that he put this whole act on in order to get there just rubbed me the wrong way. I never saw him again."
An Expert's Take: "Be honest," advises Van Kirk. "If you want to keep things casual, say so. If you eventually want more than just a hookup, you need to communicate that. Don't make promises, especially when you know you probably can't keep them. Playing games to get into bed with someone shows a lack of respect towards your casual sex partner."
Hookup Sites for Casual Sex
Now that you've got the rules down, all you need is a willing partner. Here are a few hookup sites and apps you can use to find a match, fit with details on how they work, and how to use them to your advantage.
XMatch
From the moment you log on to XMatch, local singles in your area are presented to you via a "hot list" that other members vote on. It's clearly a hook-up site, so there's no need to play coy like when you're using a "dating app" for more casual endeavors. If nothing on the site's "hot list" catches your eye, you can search members using a ton of filters such as their sexual preferences. Not in the mood to leave your couch? There's an option to connect with other members via web-cam, or get in on the group chats, forums and the "Sex Academy" section the site offers. A basic profile is free, but if you're looking to use XMatch's more premium features, you're looking at $20 a month.
Tinder
Using Tinder to land yourself a hook-up comes with its pros and cons. The major benefit is that there are a ton of members on it. Create a profile with a few photos, set basic parameters like the age and location of the match you're looking for, and then start swiping left (to reject) and right (to accept) potential matches until you get a mutual match. The pitfall of using this app to facilitate hook-ups, however, is that not everyone on the app is working toward the same common goal of just getting it on. Still, the app is free, which makes it a solid place to start your search. Not to mention, its member base of single women is second to none.
FriendFinder-X
What do you get when you combine a cyber sex simulator with a dating site? Enter FriendFinder-X. The site goes above and beyond to deliver exactly what you're looking for, from proximity down to cup size. If you're in for the night but want some live action excitement, you can explore cyber sex scenarios including live member webcams. Like XMatch, you can access some of the site for free, but to gain access to all of FriendFinder-X's features, you'll need a $20 monthly membership.
Bumble
Bumble functions much of the same way that Tinder does, allowing you to swipe left and right until a mutual match is made. Search parameters include age and proximity, and you're able to upload photos and a few (hopefully) witty lines about yourself. But once a match is made on Bumble, ladies have to make the first move. That can work to your advantage if the stars align and your match happens to have the same hook up goals in mind.
Adult Friend Finder
If you're looking to get up and running fast, but still want to join a site that's clearly for hook-ups, Adult Friend Finder is a good mix of both. Granted, it won't give you the granular search functionality of XMatch and FriendFinder-X affords you. With lots of extremely explicit profiles of single women in your area looking for a good time, it should be pretty easy to find what it is you're looking for. Basic membership is free, but if you want to gain access to the interactive features on the site, you'll need a monthly membership of $19.95.
Pure
Newcomer Pure takes a page from Snapchat's book to give you ultimate anonymity while cruising for your next hookup. Messages between you and a potential conquest get erased after an hour of chatting to help users cut to the chase. Photos that are shared between users also get erased after an hour, so there's no fear of being "found out" on the app. Not to mention, it's free to download.
DOWN Dating
We all have those Facebook friends (or friends of friends) who we dream about banging. Now, there's a way to put it out there and let them know without coming off as a huge creep. DOWN Dating lets you know who's down to hook up from your roster of Facebook connections. And don't worry, they won't know you're down unless they select you, too.
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