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JOURNEY TO A LIFE OF SIGNIFICANCE
Freedom from Low Self-Worth

"For as he thinks in his heart, so is he." PROVERBS 23:7 NKJV

A therapist recently told me a story about a woman who'd allowed her absentee father-who was also an addict-to define her self-worth. Growing up, she felt that his leaving had something to do with her not being good enough. If she'd just been perfect, she believed, then he would've stayed. Through therapy, she came to realize that his leaving had nothing to do with her and everything to do with him being an addict.

Many who have attended our programs over the years have suffered with chronic low self-worth. They've felt inferior for a long time, not knowing their low self-worth could be rooted in their childhoods, much as the woman the therapist described. Some have carried a sense of inadequacy in their hearts for years, believing they'd never amount to anything.

Often in our childhoods, people in authority over us-parents, teachers, coaches-tell us we will never be good enough. Many of us have also suffered different forms of abuse as children. Physical, sexual, emotional, spiritual, or verbal abuse can make us feel broken at the core. We believe the lie: "I'm not good enough, I'm not loveable, and I'm not worth much." These deep feelings of shame and guilt can lead to a host of issues in our lives. Perhaps most damaging of all, we can allow these lies to define us as fundamentally flawed and broken. Learning to define ourselves correctly is one of the key principals of self-acceptance. As the proverb says, "For as he thinks in his heart, so is he."

IMMEDIATE GOALS CAN BOOST SELF-WORTH

Charlie Brown is at bat. Strike Three!

He has struck out again and slumps over to the bench. "Rats! I'll never be a big-league player. I just don't have it. All my life I've dreamed of playing in the big leagues, but I know I'll never make it."

Lucy turns to console him. "Charlie Brown, you're thinking too far ahead. What you need to do is set yourself more immediate goals."

Charlie Brown looks up. "Immediate goals?"

Lucy says, "Yes. In the next inning, when you go out to pitch, see if you can walk out of the mound without falling down!"

Maybe you feel a little like Charlie Brown. Maybe you're down on yourself.

When low self-worth cripples our ability to enjoy relationships and endeavors, we should listen to Lucy's advice and not think too far into the future. We should set more immediate goals.

Try it. It could be as simple as showing up at the gym, or increasing your reps in a daily exercise, or attending a group meeting that focuses on your area of concern. Maybe you should make an appointment with a counselor who can begin helping you sort through your problem. Immediate goals help us feel progress. Without them, we can feel hopeless like Charlie Brown.

SELF-WORTH DOESN'T EQUAL PERFECTIONISM

Sometimes we can get self-worth and perfectionism confused with one another. Desiring excellence in our lives is a rewarding goal, but it doesn't assure we will be perfect at everything. Perfectionism has a lot to do with how we believe others perceive us. No one wants to look or act stupid. But when perfectionism causes us to continually replay past mistakes, it is toxic.

Years ago, during his presidential term, Dwight Eisenhower was vacationing in Denver. It came to his attention that a six-year-old boy named Paul Haley was dying of an incurable cancer and had one great dream-to someday meet the president. Upon hearing this, Eisenhower decided to go see young Paul Haley.

The presidential limousine arrived at the little boy's house, and out stepped the president who knocked on the door himself. Donald Haley, the father, answered the door wearing blue jeans and an old dirty shirt. He stood raggedly in front of the president with a two-day beard. The president asked for Paul.

Little Paul walked around his father's legs and looked up into the face of the man he admired the most. Dwight Eisenhower kneeled down, shook his hand, and took him out to see the presidential limousine. Before saying good-bye, the president hugged little Paul Haley. They shook hands again, and Eisenhower left.

The Haley family and the whole neighborhood were so excited about the visit. But one man was not entirely happy-Donald Haley, Paul's father. He couldn't get over the fact that he met the President of the United States when he didn't look his best!

The father's response to the president's visit seems absurd in light of his son's dying wish coming true. How could his mind be so self-focused? How did he miss the big picture? Shame can always keep us from enjoying precious moments because of some perceived failure on our part. The father should've been thrilled like his neighbors, but he only remembered his dirty clothes and unshaven face.

Shame causes us to regurgitate old mistakes, which further fuels low self-worth. It can make us feel like permanent failures. It can leave us hopeless.

SELF-WORTH IS A MATTER OF PERCEPTION

The way to overcome the self-defeating behavior of giving up is to train, not try. Training and trying are two very different things. In his book The Life You've Always Wanted, John Ortberg writes, "Spiritual transformation is not a matter of trying harder, but of training wisely.... There is an immense difference between training to do something and trying to do something." When we try to change and do not succeed, we tend to give up after just a few attempts. But when we train to do something, we set our minds on learning and progressing. No matter how many times we fall short, we persevere, understanding that we are one step closer to succeeding.

Training is the key to reaching every goal. A weightlifter progresses toward his goal weight by training his muscles every day. If he fails, he trains his muscles until they exert the power needed to reach the desired goal. Ortberg writes, "Trying hard can accomplish only so much ... you will have to enter into a life of training." Trying is the raw use of willpower, nothing more. Training is learning about the life skills needed to make a change.

Achieving your ideal weight doesn't happen overnight. Finding the right career path may take years of training. Success does not mean being a perfect person. Success is learning our special purpose in life, and then training to fulfill it.

WHAT WE TELL OURSELVES ABOUT OURSELVES

When we constantly tell ourselves that we are unworthy, we formulate a negative self-identity. Charlie Brown talks himself into a vicious cycle of self-loathing. He tells himself that he will never be a big-league baseball player, that he'll never be a person of worth. By doing this, Charlie Brown sabotages himself. He doesn't look for a solution. Rather, he identifies himself with his failure. Henry David Thoreau once said that as long as a person stands in his own way, everything seems to be in his way.

Are you sabotaging your self-worth? What's keeping you from building self-worth? Ask yourself: Can I overcome the problems I face? People who possess a healthy self-worth will see their problems as temporary setbacks. They will find solutions instead of turning their failures inward.

Looking back, I think I was a lot like Charlie Brown, despite the ways my parents, coaches, and teachers spoke positively into my life. Somehow I managed to create a negative definition of myself, always feeling as if I wasn't good enough. In certain settings, I experienced deep-rooted insecurity and shame. I was running from this deep-rooted shame more than I was running toward some kind of greatness. The motivation in my life wasn't a positive motivation of moving toward a goal. Instead, I ran from the fear of failure.

I was afraid someone would discover that I wasn't perfect and didn't measure up, so I tried to remain one step ahead of being discovered as a fraud. I talked a good game. I put up so many walls that it would take someone years to discover that my confidence was only veneer, with an interior of inferiority lurking beneath.

There is an enormous difference between pursuing goals in our lives and running from the fear of failure. When we pursue goals, we are motivated and have a plan of action for accomplishing those goals. But when we run from fear or failure, we never attempt greatness or risk change in any area. This approach results in a life of mediocrity and hiding. The best way to build self-worth is to take risks and to succeed in an immediate goal. Then, goal by goal, we achieve and begin to realize that we're not failures. We are only failures when we quit or when we settle for mediocrity.

REFLECTION QUESTIONS

Describe an incident(s) in your childhood that affected your self-worth.

How does this incident(s) still affect you today?

If your answer to the previous incident was one that affected you negatively, what might you need to change to overcome that negative effect? If it was a positive incident, how can you continue to build on that good experience?

Do you struggle with believing that your issues are permanent-that they will never go away?

Below, list some issues you are dealing with, and then write a possible solution for one at least one of the problems.

Write a definition of yourself below, describing yourself to someone who doesn't know you.

Read Psalm 139:13-17. Based on what you read, write a definition of yourself as if God were describing you to another person.

Melissa's Story

Melissa Osterloo, a 23-year-old employee of the YMCA, grew up in a poverty-stricken family of nine, where the atmosphere was often abusive. She played parent to her younger siblings and resented her parents for not stepping up more. "I remember there were times when I'd get so frustrated and hurt because when I would cry, no one would be there-there was nobody to tell me everything would be okay. All I heard were insults. "I struggled with my weight-I was always heavy-and I got teased not only by kids at school, but also by my own family. I remember hearing awful, awful things coming out of my parents' mouths. And I think in some way they were trying to help me get control of my weight. But it just made matters worse. "I went away to college and thought everything would get better-but it didn't. My eating spiraled out of control. During my sophomore year in college, I hit 250 pounds, and I felt like I was the worst person in the world. I felt like God didn't love me because I was heavy and I was abusing this temple He had created. I felt like I was unlovable by any human-who would love a 250 pound, 5'3" girl? I felt ugly and disgusting, and nothing I did made it better. I just kept hitting that brick wall." After her marriage a few years later, Melissa saw that her struggle with food was not ending. Her husband, Adam, though a godly man, was not able to change Melissa's view of herself. She began to realize that she would need help if she ever hoped to see herself as God saw her.

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from JOURNEY TO A LIFE OF SIGNIFICANCE by SCOTT REALL Copyright © 2008 by Scott Reall. Excerpted by permission.
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