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1. The problem with our instinct for completion

The Instinct for Completion drives us towards strengths in others that promise to compensate for weaknesses in our own natures. What this means in practice is that, in order to become complete, two things must happen: we need to be willing to learn things and our partner must be willing to teach us things. And vice versa. The success of love will depend on success at learning and teaching.

Unfortunately, we tend to fail badly in both areas. We can decide that we don't really want to be taught. We don't need to change; change is painful. So although we're attracted to strengths in others, we don't necessarily accept that we have to correct the weaknesses in ourselves that fired our attractions in the first place. We are asking, in effect, to be educated by the other but we don't factor in that we might be reluctant pupils. Close up, we resist the lessons that we were, from afar, drawn to - and end up feeling patronised, humiliated and 'got at' by our partner.

Furthermore, our partner may not always be the tolerant, wise teacher we might have needed. However patient they might be in other contexts, they will be at risk of getting scared and offended by our flaws. They may become intemperate teachers from an overwhelming fear that they have married an idiot and ruined their lives. No wonder they may deliver their lessons sarcastically and humiliating menace.