Colonics, cryotherapy and helmet-type gadgets: this is what it's actually like inside a burnout retreat

"It's going to be intense."

That was a warning from a colleague, as I volunteered myself for what's known as the ultimate stress recovery programme. After months of moaning about being burnt out, on top of the toll of actually feeling like roadkill, I needed to do something about my mental and physical state that would really stick. After a plethora of juice detoxes, fasts, intensive fitness retreats and meditating in silence for days – nothing has quite shifted my behaviour patterns enough to ensure I truly prioritise my health over the demands of work. In actuality, "intense" is probably what I need to really change my habits long-term. But, how intense could the Leader's Performance programme – billed as enhancing "optimal performance and long-lasting vitality for those who live under demanding conditions" at the much-lauded SHA Wellness Clinic in Spain – really be?

Pretty intense, it turns out. The week-long programme is aimed at optimising the health of those who work in pressured roles with long hours, foreign travel and stress-inducing conditions. Initially, I do have a little imposter syndrome; I'm not the CEO of a Fortune 500 company nor an exhausted Olympian, but I do fit the criteria needed for the programme. I've spent the last year promoting my book, UGLY, and the two years before that, writing and researching it – on top of my day-to-day job, a relationship breakup and a pandemic. By the time the book came out, I was an empty husk of a human – the physical and mental demands bore down on me like a titan. Each high felt acute, but so did the lows – and it left my nervous system in ruins. As my cognitive abilities started to wane, I felt groggy, irritable and unable to focus and make decisions. My health appeared to follow suit. I was plagued by stomach issues, eczema and hair loss that I couldn't seem to shake.

The Leader's Performance programme works on the seven areas SHA's experts say have the greatest impact on our health, physical and cognitive performance: nutrition, exercise, rest, stress and emotion management, detoxification, gut microbiota recovery and hormonal balance. Each protocol is tailored to the individual guest, but the goal is to leave the clinic recuperated and armed with the tools to manage your life and live in a preventive (rather than reactive) state. As I walk through the glass doors of the clinic, I mentally and physically hand myself over to the team, with an invisible sign over my head that reads, "please, please fix me".

My initial observations are how peaceful it is here. It's busy but doesn't feel crowded or overbooked, which I was worried about in my anxious state. The warmth of the team radiates, and I feel immediately cocooned, a condition the modern and tranquil bedroom also emits with its plush pillows and buoying balcony views of the surrounding Sierra Helada Natural Park in Southern Spain.

I head to the roof restaurant for my first meal with, truthfully, a modicum of dread. Bland, flavourless food – often the flavour profile of choice at wellness retreats – is my nemesis. But here, a three-course lunch starts with a flavourful broth, a delicious quinoa salad that changes my mind about that particular overhyped grain, and even a pudding that, frankly, tastes too good to be healthy. It settles my food panic, and even starting the day with a miso broth becomes palatable after a day or two.

After a consultation with a nutritionist (who takes into account my issues with bland food and adjusts my menu accordingly), I'm assigned to the Sha Biolight menu. It's the "intermediate" fare, which is detoxifying but not aimed at weight loss like the stricter Kushi menu or the more gourmet Sha menu at the opposite end. It's largely plant-based and macrobiotic, with some fish, pasta, oil and nuts. Crucially, it tastes amazing; there's one prawn and konjac pasta dish I still think about months later.

The programme itself is intense, as my colleague warned. Despite being swaddled in the softest white bathrobe for a week, this is not a spa break. Most of my day is spent zipping between various medical facilities undergoing medical and holistic testing, and meeting with SHA's team of experts. The Advanced Preventative Diagnostic test encompasses various body composition desks, cognitive domain tests, cardiovascular analysis, and nervous system checks. I was positive that I'd be told my cortisol levels would be astronomical. Instead, I'm told the opposite: I'm so weary that my 'fight or flight' response isn't firing at all. But I am given advice on how to regulate it again, namely calming down and really focusing on my health in a way I haven't before. It's certainly a wake-up call, and it explains many of my symptoms, too.

The treatments both prescribed to me and on offer are varied. Some, like colonic therapy (I endure two, but can't cope with the final one) and cryotherapy (just never again), are less than pleasant but are quantifiable holistic ways to improve my gut health and fire up my dopamine levels, respectively. Some are a tad more relaxing. Acupuncture is peaceful, and the photobiomodulation (which involves wearing a helmet-type gadget to administer low-level laser therapy to my brain) allows me to decompress. There are growing studies to show that photobiomodulation could improve neuronal function in the brain by stimulating mitochondrial activity, and help activate stimulatory and protective pathways.

Other treatments like infrared sauna sessions and a detoxifying wrap are welcome, but perhaps a little more downtime for the truly zonked might prove fruitful – had I not switched one treatment for a massage and booked an additional Watsu treatment (a form of hydrotherapy administered by a practitioner in water that aims to reduce stress using elements of shiatsu massage; it genuinely feels like being in a womb again) I think I might have struggled.

I learn much from the helpful and brilliant medical team at SHA, who really listen to my concerns and understand my specific problems. I met with psychologist Professor Bruno Ribeiro do Couto and explained to him that I've got ADHD. We discuss how being neurodivergent can contribute to burnout and that many self-employed entrepreneurs have ADHD, so he's seen plenty of people with it at the clinic. We explore how to manage it with practical methods, rather than trying to fight or fix it constantly.

One of the biggest surprises was just how much I gleaned from some of the holistic practitioners here. During a stress management session – which I admit, I pre-judged as potentially redundant – I learned which breathing method to assign to a particular woe, for example, how to breathe diaphragmatically when panic sets in or to employ box breathing when I need to find focus. After the Integrated Bioenergy Assessment, which looks at your meridian lines to work out where there are blocks and in which organs, I found out that mine are the stomach, gall bladder, kidneys and large intestine – all connected to emotional stress. I'm advised to expel emotions more through talking, singing, dancing and more self-expression – things I definitely don't do enough of but have always had an inkling I should

It's been three months since I left SHA. So rarely have I kept up the habits I've learned on wellness breaks for this long. I meditate in the mornings, do my breathing exercises when panic strikes and still drink the same delicious apple kuzu tea before bed each night. I might have slipped a little with the food, but it has changed what I eat (I'm far more focused on vegetables) and how I eat (with more planning and focus on nutrients) for the better. Intense it might be, but perhaps that is what you need to make changes that truly last beyond a week, month or year.

Healing Holidays (healingholidays.com; 020 7843 3592) can arrange a 7 night Leader's Performance programme from £6,639pp sharing, including transfers, full board accommodation and inclusions of the programme