6 Horrifying Shows Trump TV Will Definitely Air

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This may not be surprising to you, but Donald Trump is reportedly already planting the seeds for his next venture after he loses the 2016 presidential election. According to the Financial Times, Trump's son-in-law Jared Kushner met with a media industry dealmaker named Aryeh Bourkoff about setting up a network after the election. After riding a wave of ethnocentrism, misogyny, and white people's fear of true equality, it appears Trump is looking to take the movement to its logical conclusion by creating his own, presumably even more Fox News-ish television network.

Despite Trump claiming in the past that he had "no interest in a media company," you have to admit that this move makes a lot of sense. Trump tapped into the fear of Fox News' audience, and with that network receding ever so slightly back towards sanity after former CEO Roger Ailes' resignation in the face of multiple sexual assault allegations, there's a market for angry, paranoid radicals just begging to be exploited. Because let's face it: even if Trump loses this election, his most fervent followers aren't all of the sudden going to become woke.

So what exactly will Trump TV look like, you ask? Well, we had some ideas. (Donald, if you wanna hit us up with a producer credit for any of these—please don't. All of these ideas are either bad or offensive and are meant to be taken as jokes. Cool? Cool.)

Hannity Vs. Wild

 

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Starring: Sean Hannity

​Synopsis: A show that in no way copies other shows, no sir, about Donald Trump's bravest warrior facing the elements week to week. Hannity will set out into the wild* each episode to show off his skills as an outdoorsman and teach conservatives how to survive the "apocalypse enacted once the liberal left overtook the House." Each episode will end with Hannity staring adoringly at the wilderness before looking earnestly at the camera to say, "What a beautiful scene. Thank god man-made climate change is a hoax."

Excerpt From the New York Times Review: "I never thought I would say this, but perhaps Mr. Hannity should stick to talk shows."

*Here, "the wild" really just means Sarah Palin's backyard.

Room Raiders With Billy Bush

 

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Starring: Billy Bush

Synposis: Bush acts as the surrogate (a la Arrested Development) for some creepy decrepit billionaire (heteros only), scouring the homes of 3 possible trophy wives to make sure they are "proper women." Anything signaling signs of liberalism—birth control, condoms, trust in the democratic process—results an instant elimination and farewell pussy grab from Bush himself. But don't worry, winners: each week's newly anointed trophy wife (clad in a pussy-bow blouse) still gets a pussy grab from Bush before being whisked off to a life with a Donald 2.0.

Excerpt From the New York Times Review: ​"Mr. Bush, once a respected member of the media, has embraced this chapter of his life with alarming ease."

(Racist) Guts

 

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Starring: Mike O'Malley, still; not Mo though—Mo's definitely voting Hillary

Synopsis: An athletic competition show where people prove that they've got the GUTS! to enter this great nation. Each episode begins with contestants building (and paying for) a new Aggro Crag. The two contestants who erect their Crags the fastest advance to the final round, where they face off in a race to the top. Losers are arrested by INS. Winners are subjected to a 400-question test on American history.

Excerpt From the New York Times Review: "Remember the '90s? Well, welcome to the 1790s, when the Alien and Sedition Acts were passed."

Everybody Hates Rosie O'Donnell

 

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Starring: Rosie O'Donnell

Synopsis: O'Donnell stars in Everybody Hates Rosie as the loveable but still awful "Rosie," a retired talk show host who, trust me, doesn't deserve happiness. I mean, she's really a terrible human being. Look at her.

Excerpt From the New York Times Review: "Mr. Trump seems so belabored to assert that yes, everybody does hate Ms. O'Donnell—so much so, however, that one would be forgiven for thinking that actually, he loves her."

Alf

 

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Starring: Donald Trump('s hair)

Synopsis: It's Alf​, the same exact show from the '80s, except it stars Donald Trump's hair.

Excerpt From the New York Times Review: "I really don't know that Alf needed to be remade, but it should be noted that Mr. Trump's hair excels as the titular character, and may be even more convincing than the original."

Westvirginiaworld

 

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Starring: Peter Thiel, Ann Coulter, Ted Nugent, George Zimmerman, Ben Carson, Donald Trump Jr., Eric Trump

Synopsis: Looking for an escape from the progressive world, Peter Thiel, playing himself, creates an immersive amusement park filled with true-to-life androids and real-seeming scenarios. The setting is Appalachia, and the park's hosts are devoted to necessitating the wish fulfillment of their guests. In Westvirginiaworld, the guests' fantasies come to life—everything from defunding Planned Parenthood to shooting Bernie Bros. But there's a twist: are the hosts becoming sentient? Will Eric Trump think twice before punching the robot in a "Black Lives Matter" t-shi—LOL, just kidding.

Excerpt From the New York Times Review: "Whereas HBO's Westworld asks questions of morality, existence, and purpose, Trump TV's Westvirginiaworld forces one to ask their own questions, namely: 'Why?'"