You don’t need us to tell you that relationships can be confusing—especially when you find yourself wondering whether it’s time to end one. While it’s easy for your best friend to tell you to simply “dump him,” the truth is that conflict and feelings of uncertainty can also be a normal part of a relationship. Sometimes, you know exactly when to say good riddance and celebrate your freedom, and other times you can feel stuck in love limbo, not sure whether to pull the trigger or put effort into making things work.
“Feeling uncertain about a relationship or considering a breakup can be a normal part of navigating complex emotions,” says clinical psychologist and certified sexologist Denise Renye. “It doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is doomed, but it’s important to explore these feelings and communicate openly with your partner to understand underlying issues and potential paths forward.”
Trust us, we know what the dreaded “should I end things?” phase feels like, and it’s not fun what-so-freaking-ever. Like, the anxiety around not knowing if you should cut things off because the relationship might get better? Been there. Or wondering whether or not your partner will finally give you what you know you deserve? Done that. Eventually, these repetitive thoughts of “to break up or to not break up” get so overwhelming that you start consulting legit anyone for advice—i.e. blowing up the group chat, mining TikTok for wisdom, and, yes, googling stuff like “should I break up with my boyfriend?” (Which, hi, is probably how you ended up here. Welcome!) And while we can try to help you make that decision, the reality is that only you can make the final call.
“Ultimately, the decision to break up or stay in a relationship should be based on your own feelings, experiences, and needs rather than the opinions of friends,” Renye says. “While friends’ perspectives can offer valuable insights, they may not fully understand the dynamics of your relationship.”
If you have a therapist, they can be a wonderful resource who (no offense to your bestie) can probably give you better advice than your group chat. Hence why we spoke with a plethora of mental health and relationship experts to help you make the right decision for you. From common signs it may, indeed, be time to break up to answers to all those pesky questions rattling around in your brain right now, here’s all the expert-backed info you need to help you figure out whether it’s time to call it quits on your ’ship.
Should We Break Up: FAQs
1. Is it normal to think about breaking up with your partner?
Short answer, yes, it is completely normal.
"It is normal to sometimes think about ending a relationship, and it does not necessarily mean the relationship is doomed," says Rachel Needle, PsyD, a licensed psychologist in West Palm Beach, Florida, and the co-director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes. Needle explains that these doubts may have nothing to do with your partner at all. They could be related to fear of rejection, past relationship trauma, or any anxiety or depression that you're experiencing unrelated to a partner.
Working with a mental health professional, journaling, or taking care of yourself in whatever way works best for you can help you figure out if you're having normal, fleeting doubts or whether your intuition is trying to tell you something. "It is concerning if you think about this often and see a lot of red flags or incompatibilities," Needle says. Basically, if the thoughts won't go away and are based on real relationship issues, it's probably time to reconsider.
2. What if my friends are telling me to end it?
Okay, this one is kind of tricky. Obviously, you’d like to think your friends know you better than anyone and have your best interest at heart. But as we all know, that’s not always the case.
“If you really trust your friends and they’ve given you good relationship advice in the past, I think you should seriously consider their opinions, especially if they think you should break up with your partner,” says Cosmo’s ‘Navigating Non-Monogamy’ columnist Zachary Zane, author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and sex expert for Fun Factory. “But I also think you should talk to your friends and learn why they want you to break up with them and see if you agree.”
Remember that your friends are just people, which means they’re filled with flaws and sometimes even hidden agendas. “Your friend’s advice is often a reflection of them, their feelings, their experiences, and what they might do,” explains Jesse Kahn, LCSW-R, CST, director and sex therapist at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York.
Also, your friends are biased! And while it’s a damn blessing to have a core group of ride-or-dies who will take your side no matter what, it does mean that they may not be able to provide the neutral advice you might be seeking in this situation.
“Your friends’ feedback is often reflective of what you have said to them,” Kahn says. And if we’re all being honest with ourselves here, chances are you’ve likely spent more time venting to your friends about your partner when things are tough than you have singing their praises when everything’s going well.
“They’re not in the relationship, so they don’t fully know what it’s like to be in the relationship,” Kahn says.
3. What’s the best way to break up with someone?
As one Cosmo editor has put it, “There is no good way to break up with someone, just bad ones and worse ones.”
At the end of the day, you know your (soon to be ex) partner and their preferences pretty well. Pick a location and method that makes the most sense for them—ideally somewhere private where you can talk. Be kind and considerate, and most importantly, be clear.
"Communication and mutual understanding are crucial in navigating these situations," says Mariah Freya, sex education expert and founder of Beducated. The last thing you want after a breakup is to have to do it all over again because someone didn't get the memo or thinks you’ll change your mind. (Ahem, this is one of many reasons ghosting is generally a bad idea; it simply leaves too much room for doubt.)
4. What if you regret breaking up with your partner?
While it’s easier to imagine a world in which every breakup feels like utter freedom that leaves you ready to drink and dance the night away with friends celebrating your newfound independence, the fact is, yeah, some people do regret it.
“Yes, people can experience regret after a breakup, but it’s often connected to the reasons for the breakup, the experience of being single, loneliness, second-guessing your decision, or missing aspects of your relationship,” Kahn says.
Real regret most often occurs in cases where you break up with someone for the wrong reasons, such as depression or anxiety unrelated to the person, insecurities, or past relationship trauma. If that’s not the case and you still feel regret, know that it will pass and it doesn’t mean you made a bad call.
“Feelings of regret or sadness don’t necessarily mean you made the wrong decision,” Kahn says.
Be patient with yourself. Give yourself time to mourn the relationship, and be wary of jumping back into a hasty reconciliation just because you’ve confused natural post-breakup loneliness with genuine regret.
5. So, how do you know for sure when it's time to finally end it?
If you're still feeling uncertain about what to do after reading all of this, the experts suggest doing something that may sound downright harrowing, but is probably necessary: have a conversation with the person you’re thinking about breaking up with about the fact that you’re thinking about breaking up with them.
"It might be worth taking time to think things through and communicate openly with your partner," Freya says. "That way, you can make a decision you feel confident about."
See what happens after you talk. If your needs continue not to be met, or you feel disrespected, or you're just unhappy, go ahead and end it.
Still not sure? Here are 10 signs it may be time to break up, according to the experts.
10 Signs You Should Break Up With Them
1. You don't feel like a priority in your relationship.
You continuously feel neglected, insignificant, and/or not cared for in the relationship. Your partner may be busy with commitments (as we all are), but trust, there’s a hugeee difference between a busy partner and someone who doesn't make time for you.
"If your partner is consistently inattentive and neglectful of your needs and wants, despite your best efforts in communicating your needs to them, then it’s fair to say your partner is not valuing you and the relationship," confirms registered psychotherapist Parisa Ghanbari. "Partners who are absorbed or lack adequate relationship skills are incapable of ever meeting your emotional needs." Time to say buh-bye.
2. Talking about the future of your relationship causes tension.
No one is saying that talking about the future isn't scary, but if your S.O. cannot see a future at all, don’t be afraid to walk away. You don’t need to talk about marriage every single second, but a conversation or two about goals or expectations of the relationship is important, and if your partner can’t see that, well, that’s not a great sign.
"Holding this person without any intent for future plans limits not only them from finding their 'happily ever after', but also you," says licensed psychotherapist Markesha Miller. She recommends you ask yourself, "Where do I see myself in one year?" Do you see your partner with you?
3. You are easily irritated by your partner’s presence.
We’ve all been irritated and frustrated by our partners, especially if we’re having a bad day and nothing seems to be going well. But “when you feel like you’re going to scream [every time] your partner starts telling the same dumb joke or boring story, then you probably need to sit down and talk honestly about [the relationship],” says Suzanne Degges-White, PhD, chair and professor of counseling and counselor education at Northern Illinois University. If their mere presence irrationally irritates you even on good days, that’s a much bigger issue.
4. You’re just not that into them.
This is an all-too-common problem in relationships, and, yes, it’s normal for feelings to seesaw a little bit. However, if your partner is super into you and you’re only kinda meh about them, or vice versa, then that’s not a great sign either. Unfortunately, you can’t force attraction. It’s not the right person if the timing is off, and that’s one of the hardest relationship lessons anyone can learn.
5. You’re dating your S.O. for who you think they should be, not for who they are.
Re-read that again, and one more time for good measure. Too often, we see our partner through rose-colored lenses rather than through clear eyes, and because of that, it’s easy to want to wait for them to change as a person. But ask yourself: Does this person even want to change? Are you willing to wait for them?
“Waiting for someone to change his or her internal qualities, like his or her values or personality, takes a tremendous amount of effort, willpower, growth, and hard work,” says Mariana Bockarova, PhD, who teaches The Psychology of Relationships at the University of Toronto. You have to ask yourself if you’d be willing to stay with them if they didn’t change this aspect of themselves. If the answer is no, it’s time to move on.
6. You feel like they’re being too clingy in a way that feels toxic.
All relationships (platonic, romantic, etc.) need TLC, but if your romantic partnership keeps you from seeing your friends or hanging out without them, then time to say adios. It could be love bombing—a manipulative tactic commonly used by narcissists—or just straight-up excessive clinginess, but either way, it’s never cool for a partner to control your schedule, even if they seem to be doing so “out of love.” You should be totally free to live your own life, and anyone who tries to interfere is probably not someone you can peacefully (and safely, tbh) date.
7. You feel stuck or bored in the relationship.
Every relationship goes through highs and lows, but if you’re consistently (emphasis on consistently) feeling unsatisfied regardless of the cool things you do together, it’s time to re-evaluate. And by cool things, we mean things like BYOB painting classes, rock climbing, dinners out, weekend trips—dates! If nothing sounds appealing and you find yourself disengaging from them when you’re together, it might be a sign to move on—particularly if you imagine how your lifestyle would be different without your partner and the vision is appealing, says Degges-White.
8. You think about having sex with other people.
Finding other people attractive isn’t the problem. It’s so normal to look at someone and think, “Damn, they’re fine.” But if you catch yourself imagining a happy life with the person whose bones you’re mentally jumping, or you feel like you’d rather have sex with anyone but your partner, it’s a good sign you’re half checked-out.
9. You don’t get along with their friends or family.
Remember the film Monster in Law with J.Lo? If any scenes of the film resemble your relationship with your significant other’s friends and family, that’s a huge red flag. Seriously! If you feel like the dynamic you have with his friends or fam is genuinely toxic and your partner doesn’t acknowledge their mistreatment of you or downplays your concerns, then something def’s off.
“If your partner sees these relationships as the best thing in their life, and you’re not vibing, that’s an indication that this is likely going to be a problem for the foreseeable future,” says Cook. If having a close relationship with your partner’s crew and/or family is important to you, Cook suggests looking elsewhere.
10. Your partner refuses to be vulnerable and open with you.
Emotional availability and boundary-setting may be therapy buzzwords dominating the pop-culture sphere, but they’re also serious concepts that are high-key needed in a relationship. If you’ve pushed yourself to be vulnerable, and your partner doesn’t want to go deeper with you, then according to Cook, this is a pretty clear sign that your needs in this department will continue to go unmet. At that point, she suggests cutting your losses and finding someone more emotionally available—someone willing to reveal their weaknesses and understand yours.
4 Signs The Relationship *Isn’t* Doomed And You Should Consider Staying
1. Both parties are willing to put in the work and invest in the ‘ship.
Change doesn’t happen overnight, but if your partner is putting in the effort, then all is not lost, says Ghanbari. That said, don’t take your partner’s words as gospel, but rather look at their actions. Some signs to look for: They're seeking couples therapy or therapy themselves, they are reading self-growth books or relationship material to better themselves, and/or actionably fulfilling your needs/wants/desires expressed, suggests Ghanbari.
2. You haven’t had an open and honest conversation with your partner.
Have you openly expressed your needs to your partner? No one is a mindreader, and you can’t expect your partner (or really, anyone) to know how you feel if you’re not communicating with them. “Be honest with the person and let them know you’re struggling to be vulnerable with them,” says Cook. “See where it takes you and if they’re willing to go deeper with you.” No one can adjust their behavior to meet your needs if said needs aren't explained. Relationships always require honest communication—on both sides.
3. The change you’re waiting for is situational.
Yes, we did just say that not waiting for your partner to change is important, but there’s a difference between waiting for a personality change and a situational one. Bockarova believes it’s reasonable to wait for external changes, like a partner getting a job in the same city as you, only if you have reason to believe they are realistically capable of making that change.
“If [they] value ambition and hard work, then waiting for [them] to meet future goals—like having income to travel, buy a house, or start a family—is well worth waiting for,” Bockarova says.
Just remember: Your feelings are valid even if your partner is determined and reliable. Like, yes, it’s worth the wait to finally be living in the same city if you’ve always been long-distance, but it’s normal to feel frustrated/sad/stressed about it along the way. That’s why mutual support and open communication is so important, so that your partner can know what you’re feeling and work with you on ways to make it better.
4. Your S.O. respects your relationship with their family and sticks up for you when needed.
You might not get along with your partner’s family, but that doesn't mean your relationship has a death sentence. As long as everybody plays nice and you know your partner has your back, then there’s no reason why both parties can’t coexist. But your partner should be willing (or open) to setting boundaries with their family. Relationship expert Callisto Adams, PhD, suggests limiting hangouts when possible as a compromise. And relationships only thrive with the three C’s: compromise, communication, and commitment.
Mel Curry (she/her) is the current assistant editor at Cosmopolitan, where she covers everything from lifestyle to politics. You can often find her watching The Real Housewives of Atlanta or discovering local coffee roasters. Before joining Cosmo, she was an editorial assistant at Hearst Magazines, writing for Women’s Health, Elle, and more. Follow her on Instagram and the bird app aka Twitter.
