If the secret to a lasting relationship is good communication, then the secret to a lasting breakup is no communication. If you’re seeking some much-needed closure or looking to actually move on, creating space between you and your ex is one of the only ways to shorten the grieving process, just trust us on this one. Yes, this advice may sound like it's coming from that one friend who practically throws herself across the brunch table to pry your phone from your drunk-texty hands after you've had one too many mimosas. But guess what? That friend happens to be doing you a solid. Hate to break it to you, but there's actual logic behind those panicked pleas to Not. Text. Him. Practicing no contact is one of the most effective ways to get over someone, and there's even a whole methodology called, wait for it, the No Contact Rule, to prove it.
If you’re not convinced (I mean, fair; sending that “Haha was just thinking of you” text can feel so damn good in the moment), know that the No Contact Rule is an expert-backed system. Not texting, calling, or asking mutual friends about your ex-person allows you to sit with your wounds and “not plug up any holes or feelings of brokenness with someone else,” explains sex and grief coach Breeshia Wade. According to Wade, in painful breakups, the grief can be so palpable that we will do anything to soothe the pain in a given moment, even if that immediate action leads to greater suffering in the long term. Going No Contact “can help you properly acknowledge a loss and mourn it, and eventually create space for something new,” Wade adds.
Think of the No Contact Rule as a way to truly experience and transform your grief, rather than distract and soothe by reaching out for post-breakup dopamine hits from your ex. (See also: sleeping with your ex, stalking their socials, bumping into them “accidentally,” etc.) While these behaviors might feel exhilarating in the moment, they almost always wind up feeling like a bad hangover when they’re over—anxiety-inducing, disorienting, and ultimately regrettable.
To help you break the vicious cycle that often is kinda-sorta staying in touch with an ex, we talked to the experts about the No Contact Rule: What it is, why it works, and what happens if you break it. Read on if you’re ready to pull the plug, cut the ties, and go No Contact.
What Is the No Contact Rule?
“The No Contact rule is where you don’t call, text, or communicate with an ex in any way after the breakup. It includes not talking to their friends or family about them or the breakup itself,” says dating and breakup coach Lee Wilson.
Yes, it can be really, really hard to block your ex’s phone number, Snapchat, Instagram, and Venmo (along with their mother, father, second cousins, and first-grade teacher), but it's worth it.
It’s also worth noting that instituting a No Contact Rule doesn’t have to be a life-long commitment. There’s no set timeline. If it works for you to have a month-long No Contact period, do your thing. If you want to be like me and permanently cut an ex out of your life for good, go for it. “Do it for as long as it takes,” says Wilson.
Why Does the No Contact Rule Work?
“It helps both parties get closure,” says clinical psychologist Lauren Cook, PhD. Breakups—more often than not—are messy, and the relationship with your ex may be complicated, especially if the feels are still there. According to Cook, those lingering feelings can “really muddle a breakup.” One person might feel nostalgic for the other, forgetting why they broke up in the first place. A No Contact boundary can ensure you don’t fall down a slippery slope—like getting back into a relationship that isn’t right for you or ending up in a dreaded FWB hellscape.
Denying that the relationship wasn't working isn't going to do you any favors, but once you start to live without that person’s presence in your life, moving on becomes much easier. The No Contact Rule can effectively kill any chance of reconciliation for both you and your ex. Sounds scary, I know. But it might be exactly what you need to move on.
Taking the hard first step of going No Contact can help you get over a breakup faster than if you let it fester and eventually spill into tricky “we’re friends!” territory, Stephanie D. McKenzie, a relationship coach, explains. Let’s face it: “Let’s be friends!” is a slippery slope to a "let's be friends with benefits" situation where you and your ex then fall back into the dysfunctions of the previous relationship. Remember, you broke up for a reason. It’s all too easy to trick yourself into thinking you might get back together if you keep texting your ex all the time and nothing really feels that different from pre-breakup.
What Happens if I Break My No Contact Rule?
Okay, so you’ve successfully done the thing and deleted your ex’s number, blocked them, and muted their socials. Congrats! Now it’s time for the hard part: actually sticking to your own boundaries.
Unfortunately, even after you’ve seemingly cut off all avenues of potential contact, it can still be tempting to, say, DM them on LinkedIn or dig up their number (which, be honest, you saved in an “in case of emergency” note in your Notes app, didn’t you?). But you must resist!
Don't hit them up because you miss them, say Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, clinical psychologist at Lenox Hill Hospital in New York. Remember, "the function of this time is to process your own thoughts, feelings, and needs without the impingement of someone else," Romanoff adds. Sit with your grief and loneliness and learn to process it instead of running from it.
That said, it can be effing hard to master this boundary. It takes a lot of willpower and personal restraint—particularly if you, say, see your ex at your favorite dive bar. If you accidentally break your NC rule, Cook says it’s nothing to beat yourself up over. “Be kind to yourself. Just because you may have slipped up one or two or a few times doesn’t mean you can’t reinitiate it.” Remember, you can always start over.
If you just can’t seem to ignore your ex long enough before the rosé starts calling them again, that’s okay—you’re not alone. Pro tip? Try changing their name in your phone so you’re reminded *exactly* what you’re doing any time you pull up their contact.
Just seeing your ex’s name in your phone can trigger all sorts of feels, from heartbreak to butterflies, says clinical psychologist Tricia Wolanin, PsyD. Her expert recommendation? Changing their name in your contacts to something along the lines of “Pathetic Asshole” or “For the Love of God, Do Not Text Him!!!” Hey, whatever works, ya know?
Real-Life No-Contact Rule Success Stories
If you’re considering giving No Contact a shot, here’s what eight women had to say about their experience with the No Contact Rule and why it might be your best bet at moving on:
- “This one hundred percent helped me. I couldn’t go back to someone just because it was comfortable or because things got hard. Had I not cut things off completely, I would have gone back to him—or at least kept talking to him.” —Sela, 24
- “I do it every time. Delete their numbers and unfollow them—no temptations! Suck out all the poison.” —Katie, 28
- “It definitely hurt more, but it allowed both of us to heal and grow without being tempted to fall back into things.” —Kate, 21
- “I completely cut him out of my life because I knew I couldn’t handle having only a fraction of him.” —Cassandra, 26
- “I’m currently trying it out, but it’s not sticking. It’s making it harder for me to move on. I was the one who suggested going a few months without talking, so I deleted his number and muted all his social channels. But every once in a while, he texts me and it confuses me. It definitely makes it harder to get over him, and every time he reaches out and we talk for a little bit, I feel like I’m starting over with my feelings.”
—Kiara, 24 - “I did it and it helped. By no longer letting him in, I was able to discover myself again.” —Alex, 27
- “I chose to do the No Contact rule for six months because we wanted different things. It would’ve been very troublesome to stay in contact knowing that we wanted two different things. It hurt because it’s hard to quit anything cold turkey, but it was a good choice because it showed me that I could be on my own and be happy without being in contact with him or having him be a part of my daily life.” —Kaley, 25
- “Sometimes, it’s hard to remember this rule: Don’t do the forbidden four letters with your ex—text or f**k. But your life is SO much easier when you do.” — Jessy, 23
Taylor is the former Sex and Relationships editor who can tell you exactly which vibrators are worth the splurge, why you’re still dreaming about your ex, and tips on how to have the best sex of your life (including what word you should spell with your hips during cowgirl sex). You can follow her on Instagram here.
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Morgan is a Philadelphia-based freelance writer, covering everything from health and sex to fashion and beauty. Her work can also be seen in Bustle, Refinery29, Well+Good, and more. She’s a big fan of these things, in order: silk slip dresses, giving unsolicited life advice, working out, and Taylor Swift’s entire discography.