Throughout your life, you’ll encounter tons of different types of love. First love, true love, lusty love—they’re all part of the romantic experience. But there’s also another type of bond you might not have heard of. It’s called “soul tie” and it’s one of the most intense (potentially too intense) connections you can have, like, ever.
Marriage and family therapist Jordan Madison defines a soul tie as “a deep and powerful bond to another person—emotionally, intimately, and physically.” This connection typically transcends normal attachment patterns, adds social worker and relationship therapist Ashley Starwood, author of Writing With Love, so it’s way more intense than your usual friendship or romantic relationship.
Soul ties can manifest in a lot of different ways. This isn’t a strictly romantic tie or a strictly platonic one. “Soul ties can take several forms, such as social, spiritual, emotional, sexual, or physical,” says clinical sexologist and relationship coach Valerie Poppel, PhD, founder of The Swann Center. “You feel like the person is in your life for a reason.”
At this point, you’re probably thinking of about 10 different people you could have a soul tie connection with. And not to diminish your relationships, but soul ties are supposed to be much rarer connections than the ones you have with the family members and friends in your group chat. Although, yes, it’s v possible to have a soul tie relationship with a friend if it evolves in that way.
Confused? Understandable. We spoke to the experts for more clarity on soul ties, from what they are to how to spot them to—sometimes most importantly—how to break one. Here’s what you need to know.
What is a soul tie?
A soul tie is a deep connection with someone that can feel all-consuming—like you need this person to complete you. If that sounds like A Lot, that’s because, well, it def can be. Poppel says some of the most common types of soul ties are friendship soul ties, marriage soul ties, sex soul ties, and business soul ties. And within these types, the soul ties can present in different ways with different people in spiritual, physical, and emotional ways.
If you’re religious, “spiritual ties involve feeling closer to God because of your connection with that particular person,” says Starwood, “while physical ties are an extension of sexual intimacy due to the level of vulnerability involved in sex. Emotional ties are created when you feel you can be vulnerable and share the deepest and darkest parts of your life with someone.”
While soul ties haven’t been scientifically proven, all three experts say the concept is very spiritual. Poppel says “faith- and spiritual-based individuals may reference the term ‘soul ties’ more so than other social groups.” But even though the concept is most prevalent among this group, that doesn’t mean it’s only for them. Anyone can have or believe in soul ties regardless of their religious practices.
How does sex tie in?
Since soul tie relationships can look a lot of different ways, some of them involve sex and some of them don’t, says Poppel. That said, the term is most often used in relationships where sex is an element. “Due to the vulnerability required for sex, most soul ties are created this way,” explains Starwood. “The sexual connection ‘opens the door’ for an emotional connection that further attaches one person to another.…Saying things like ‘I want this forever’ or ‘This ___ is mine’ [during sex] are ways to create soul ties.”
According to some experts, this is because many people experience a release of the hormone oxytocin (aka “the love drug”) during sex, which can make you feel drawn and tied to your partner. When this happens over and over with the same person, Madison says that for some, it can build a soul-tie-like attachment.
On the other hand, Poppel says soul ties aren’t just about the release of oxytocin but instead are “much deeper, spiritual, and long-lasting.” So whether you’re Team Love Hormones or Team Spiritual Connection, both pros agree that soul ties = serious bonds that go beyond regular friendships or relationships.
So…are soul ties even real?
For some people! It all comes down to your beliefs. The term “soul tie” isn’t an official, psychological term, but that doesn’t mean it’s not legitimate. According to Starwood, even though calling deep relationships soul ties has become more popular in the past few years, the concept has been around for centuries within spiritual communities to explain passionate bonds.
“Oftentimes, there are scientific explanations for the connections between people, but this does not rule out the potentially magical element,” Starwood says. “Depending on the person’s beliefs, the term can be used to explain unhealthy attachment patterns.”
Regardless of whether you think soul ties are legit or not, the type of connection they describe is no joke—especially when that bond is broken. Madison says because soul ties are centered around the body’s love hormones, big breakups can feel similar to withdrawing from drugs—we literally become addicted to some people (hence the soul tie concept).
What does having a soul tie connection feel like?
Soul ties can feel pretty different for everyone, but typically, it’s a very all-consuming type of connection. “It feels like intense fire and passion for another person,” says Starwood. “Your every waking thought becomes about them, and it feels like an obsession.”
Here are a few signs you might be experiencing a soul tie connection:
- You feel like you’ve known the person forever or even from a past life.
- Your emotions feel tied to them—if they’re sad, you’re sad.
- It feels like they came into your life at exactly the right time.
- Meeting them felt like fate.
- You experienced an instant connection with them.
- You can’t imagine being without them.
- You constantly think—and even dream—about them.
- You feel connected even after your relationship ends.
- No matter how much time passes, you don’t forget the details of your relationship.
- If there’s sex, it’s extremely passionate.
- Your connection feels spiritual or celestial-based.
Is a soul tie different from a soul mate?
Even though the two terms look pretty similar, soul ties and soul mates are different concepts. Typically, a soul mate is a more romantic, once-in-a-lifetime connection, while you can have soul ties with multiple people (both platonically and romantically). Also, FWIW, soul mates are usually positive, mutual forces, which isn’t always the case for soul ties, says Starwood. “Soul ties are often unhealthy bonds that are created due to an intense connection between people,” she explains.
Wait, so are soul ties toxic?
They definitely can be, especially if the soul tie is one-sided, explains Poppel. “You may feel this deep connection to an individual, but if it’s not reciprocated, it can turn toxic and even dangerous depending on the person’s emotional well-being,” she says.
In fact, if the person with the tie struggles to let go of their attachment after a breakup, it can cause them to act out of character and become a negative force in the other person’s life, notes Starwood. “Soul ties become an issue when you feel ‘trapped’ with [the other person] and cannot see a life without them—whether you want to or not.”
That said, soul ties can be beautiful, reciprocal, and special. As with all relationships, it’s a matter of practicing good communication and boundary setting so you don’t rely too heavily on or tie your self-worth to your partner. Soul ties become dark when they become so all-consuming that you feel dependent on the other person or like you can’t live without them. If you find yourself basing your self-worth, your happiness, and your every decision on this person, it might be time to reevaluate the relationship altogether.
How do you break a soul tie?
If the situation becomes unhealthy (as in, the obsession is too much to bear for both or either of you), it might be time to seek professional help—whether because you want to end the relationship or just learn healthier ways to be together. If the soul tie connection is spiritual, many people seek counsel from healers, notes Madison, since they can help guide you as you unknit your souls from one another. And if you don’t particularly have a spiritual healer’s phone number on speed dial or the connection you have with this person doesn’t feel as celestial as described above, a licensed, professional therapist can help you work through your feelings and learn to better manage them.
Finally, remember that a soul tie is just one type of relationship, and severing the connection doesn’t mean you won’t feel bonds with others in the future. Poppel says what’s most important is that you take care of yourself and never lose who you are, no matter the connection you have with others. You are your number one priority, always, and if your relationship feels so overwhelming that it’s toxic and all-consuming, it’s never a bad idea to seek help and set boundaries.
Rachel Varina is a full-time freelance writer covering everything from the best vibrators (the Lelo Sona) to the best TV shows (The Vampire Diaries). She has over 10 years of editorial experience with bylines at Women's Health, Elite Daily, Betches, and more. She lives in Tampa, Florida, but did not feed her husband to tigers. When she's not testing out new sex toys (100+ and counting so far!), she's likely chilling with her dogs or eating buffalo chicken dip. Ideally at the same time. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter.
