We’ve all done it: spotted a smokeshow in line for your morning coffee and exchanged some flirty banter or found yourself blushing when that cute friend of a friend hits your low-key thirst trap with a fire emoji response on Insta. Let’s all just go ahead and admit that it feels freaking good to receive that kind of attention sometimes, and there’s literally nothing wrong with riding the high of a little harmless ego boost every now and then, right? Well…unless you’re in a relationship, that is. Hate to break it to you, but if you’re in an exclusive sitch with a romantic partner, these otherwise innocent exchanges might fall under the category of “micro-cheating.”
If you’re unfamiliar with micro-cheating—first of all, how? Second, before you chalk it up to some BS I heard on TikTok, hear me out: The concept of quasi-infidelity that doesn’t quite meet the criteria for full-blown cheating has been around for quite some time—I even (accurately) accused an ex of mine of doing it years ago. Right after we broke up and I knew he had been entertaining some more-than-friendly texts and DMs from other women and being sus about it, I called him out. Safe to say I’m a little scarred from that experience, but I also don’t claim that I was technically cheated on. Why? Because micro-cheating is, by definition, kind of a gray area in relationships.
“Micro-cheating is small behaviors that, while subjective, could appear to fall outside of the boundaries of an exclusive relationship,” says licensed sex and relationship therapist, Viviana Coles, DMFT, CST-S, founder of VIVID Relationships. “It can create insecurity and lead to gaslighting, as quite often these behaviors can seem benign in isolation.”
Sure, hitting up happy hour with your hot coworker can be a fun way to blow off steam after a stressful day of meetings that could’ve been emails, but would your interactions stay exactly the same if your partner were around? Probs not. In my book, that could be considered micro-cheating. To me, the line is crossed when you talk or act with other people in a way that would make your partner uncomfortable if they witnessed it.
That said, because this liminal space of not-quite-cheating-but-def-sus-behavior is so nebulous by nature, where exactly that line lies—and what counts as crossing it—can be a tricky thing to define. And with anything as fraught as (maybe kinda) cheating on a partner, best believe there are some strong opinions on the matter out there. I know, because I asked for them. Below, ten people share what they consider micro-cheating—and they do not hold back.
- “Micro-cheating could be your partner texting someone they know makes you uncomfy, planning outings with this person and saying it’s no big deal even if they are just friends, or defending watching super suggestive/sexual TikToks and saying, ‘I was just scrolling and liked it.’ It’s human nature to look and be intrigued and to celebrate others’ beauty, but when you start engaging with content or in activities surrounding this person or thing, it’s a no-go. I think people try to downplay something that bothers them because they’ve encountered gaslighting partners who make it seem like it’s wrong to even feel a certain way.” —Mamie Lue, 28
- “I see micro-cheating as something that starts out as harmless and you don’t think much of it, but builds a foundation of trust or connection with that person to then lead to more.” —Amy, 35
- “I think emotional cheating could count as micro-cheating. While you didn’t physically cheat on me, you were flirting/investing in someone else other than your partner and it can lead to the physical cheating.” —Katelyn, 30
- “I just think it’s different names for the same thing: it’s a breach of trust, but calling it micro-cheating is using tricky language to bring greater accusations and drive a larger wedge than having a conversation about breaches of trust would.” —Timothy, 26
- “Micro-cheating can be complaining about your partner to someone you are attracted to (i.e., not a bestie or friend) and allowing them to talk shit about your partner to console you. Feels like emotional cheating, but I would qualify it as just micro-cheating.” —Emily, 29
- “An example of micro-cheating: The guy I was seeing was texting a woman I knew he’d been on one date with a year or so prior to our dating but it never went anywhere. We run in the same circles so we’d all see each other every once in a while. I didn’t know they were texting and she didn’t know we were dating. After she and I both confided to the same friend, it all came to light. He was lying to her about being out alone or with other people when he was, in fact, with me. And he never told me he was talking to her at all. After he and I broke up, they almost immediately started dating. I definitely felt cheated on.” —Kayla, 29
- “Micro-cheating almost overlaps with emotional cheating, in my opinion. Things like confiding in someone other than your partner, flirting over text, commenting in a sexual way on someone’s social media posts, etc. I feel like one of these behaviors isn’t usually the problem, it’s a combination of multiple situations that add up to a pattern of disrespect.” —Emily, 32
- “It can be liking other girls’ thirst traps, giving out their phone number, flirting or complimenting in a suggestive way. Basically anything that I would be offended by if I witnessed but would second guess if I’m right to be mad at.” —Sara, 32
- “You’re micro-cheating if you’re keeping things from your significant other but telling this other person, or relying on this other person as a primary source of emotional support rather than on your partner.” —Lindsay, 26
- “I think it’s confiding in another person, liking other girls’ sexy photos, or communicating with another person in a way that you should only be communicating with your significant other.” —Jenna, 30
Lexi Inks (she/her) is a lifestyle journalist based in Jacksonville, Florida. She has reported on countless topics, including sexual wellness, astrology, relationship issues, non-monogamy, mental health, pop culture, and more. In addition to Women’s Health, her work has been published on Bustle, Cosmopolitan, Well + Good, Byrdie, Popsugar, and others. As a queer and plus-size woman with living with mental illness, Lexi strives for intersectionality and representation in all of her writing. She holds a BFA in Musical Theatre from Jacksonville University, which she has chosen to make everyone’s problem.
