There are a lot of seemingly innocuous but actually vile things an ex can do to low-key ruin your life on any given day—like, for example, continue to exist in any capacity. Rude! But of all the annoying ex behaviors, all the ways they insist on reminding us that they do, in fact, still exist, one stands out as particularly bad form: texting you “happy birthday.”
If you have ever been in a relationship that has since come to an end, you’ve probably found yourself on the receiving end of this dreaded birthday greeting at one time or another. And if we’re all being honest with ourselves, you’ve likely been on the sending side once or twice too. It’s okay, we’ve all been there. That’s because, for the delightfully delusional sender, the appeal of firing off a low-stakes “Happy Birthday!” to an ex is obvious. Unlike drunk texting them “I miss you” at 3 a.m., a birthday greeting is easy to justify. It’s harmless! Polite even! Really, what kind of monster would you be if you didn’t acknowledge the solar return of someone you once loved or half-loved or scarred emotionally? It seems like the ideal excuse to reach out and test the waters, the perfect cover for whatever it is you really want out of breaking the no-contact rule—whether it’s to see if maybe they magically changed their mind and actually they do love you or you just want to find out if they’re still mad about that awful thing you did (that’s right, I know about that).
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Unfortunately, to literally everyone else on the planet—including the birthday ex on the other end of that “Hey, just wanted to say happy birthday, hope you’re well!” text—it is painfully obvious what you’re doing. In fact, it’s downright embarrassing. Cowardly, some might even say. Hence why pretty much everyone in your life (and on the internet) will tell you that you should absolutely not, under any circumstances, hit “send” on that carefully crafted “hbd!” missive you’ve been planning for weeks now.
Except for me, that is.
That’s right: I think you should text your ex on their birthday, especially if I am your ex (hello, boys, thanks for reading). Why? Because in case you haven’t noticed, Adult Birthdays are inherently sad and weird—particularly if you are having an Adult Pisces Birthday. So at least if you, my ex, interrupt my regularly scheduled Vague Sense of Birthday Dread, I can have an actual reason to feel shitty when I blow out the candles this year.
Like, now instead of just sitting around and celebrating the relentless passage of time by regretting the past and fearing the future, I can send my best friend a screenshot of your embarrassing text and be like, “Ugh, can you believe this guy?! Why would he ruin my birthday like this?!” And she’ll be like, “Wow, that’s so fucked up. What a loser!”
Not to mention, the built-in excuse to be sad and/or annoyed by an ex texting you is also a great way to save face when you inevitably have some kind of emotional breakdown and cause a scene at your own function. (Say it with me, ladies, “It’s my party and I’ll self-destruct if I want to!”) Take, for example, my 21st birthday when I drank, oh, IDK, six or seven too many sex on the beaches (look, both my palate and my brain were still developing, okay?) and cried for no particular reason, leaving my friends and loved ones to wonder what, exactly, was my fucking problem.
Luckily, my ex had texted me earlier that night! I say “luckily,” because when I showed my best friend, she was all, “Ohhh, that’s why you’re upset.”
Reader, that’s not even really why I was upset. I was mostly just upset because being in a state of poorly concealed emotional distress at almost all times is kind of my personality! But, realizing the Get Out of Unhinged-Friend-Jail-Free Card I’d been dealt, I quickly pivoted: “Uhh, yes! Yes, that completely rational reason is exactly why I was sad!” Because, trust me, it is way more chill to tell people that you’re crying over a text from your ex than it is to explain that you’re not really sure what’s wrong, you’re just kind of fundamentally sad and weird as a person.
So take it from me, your emotionally unstable Forever Ex-Girlfriend: The best gift you, an ex, can give a former lover this year is an excuse to be sad on their birthday. Honestly though, turning that “HBD!” text into a nice little Venmo notification would be a nice touch, just saying.
Kayla Kibbe (she/her) is the Associate Sex and Relationships Editor at Cosmopolitan US, where she covers all things sex, love, dating and relationships. She lives in Astoria, Queens and probably won’t stop talking about how great it is if you bring it up. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram.
