This is a glass-half-full story—half full of semen, that is. A few years ago, my friends Charlie* and May* were trying to conceive for the first time and having trouble, so they decided to have some fertility testing done. They happen to be über rich and could afford to run Charlie’s sperm analysis from the comfort of home with a fancy frozen mail-in kit (who knew?!). The only problem? May was out of town for a month working and Charlie either couldn’t or wouldn’t masturbate. I didn’t really care which—I was just excited to help when I threw my hat (er, hand) into the ring:
“I could totally jerk him off for you if you want!” I told May over the phone when she presented her long-distance dilemma. “I’ve always wanted to explore my medical kink IRL!”
May and I are like soul sisters, and she respects that I’m a professional sex worker, so she wasn’t too surprised when I casually offered to stroke her husband’s cock. Plus, there’s zero traditional attraction between me and Charlie (he’s literally the opposite of my type, and I his), so no threat of boundary-crossing into their relationship. We agreed to some ground rules for the sample collection: no kissing or extraneous sexual activity, my clothes stay on, and dirty talk could go wild.
“Just say whatever it takes to get him there,” May advised. “He likes being told what to do.” We laughed, loving the unconventional dynamic we found ourselves in.
When the big day arrived, I felt like a longtime listener, first-time caller. I’d watched plenty of porn where a doctor is “helping a patient conceive” (by fucking her) or a nurse is “checking her vitals” (by fucking her), but I’d never played around with my horny health care fantasies for real. I was maybe a little too excited as I opened their fridge, setting out the vial of sperm-preserving solution to thaw to room temp with shaky hands.
I had done my homework before arriving at Charlie and May’s place, watching the collection kit’s step-by-step tutorial video four or five times to make sure I got this right for them. They weren’t paying me, but the feeling of this sex-work-adjacent favor was enough to have me aroused with determination, dead set on completing my mission.
“Okay, sir, please make yourself comfortable. I’ll be right in!” I yelled from the kitchen before joining Charlie in the bedroom, giggling a little inside at my commitment to the role-play. I instructed him to wash the entire area with soap and water, adding, “Don’t dry anything off! Leave it wet.”
We weren’t allowed to use lube lest it contaminate the sample, but water was permitted. I was loving all the specific steps in place: register the kit, warm the vial, wash the cock, prepare the jar—each one ticking a box inside my loins. None of this felt romantic or even intimate to me—it was more like the tasks gave me a safe container in which to be freaky and a nice clear line in the sand defining our boundaries. He was the patient, and I was the nurse hoping to earn a 5-star rating on Sexy Yelp.
Charlie arrived back in the bedroom, all clean and ready for me. You’d think seeing my bestie’s husband naked for the first time would be alarming, but thanks to my work as a legal courtesan in a Nevada brothel where, trust me, I’ve seen it all, I no longer experience “cock shock.” Remembering May’s advice, I told Charlie exactly what to do next.
“Stand here,” I commanded, positioning him in view of their full-length mirror and kneeling down. He could gaze into the mirror and see my backside or glance down and watch me work—I figured options would be pleasing, and I was literally here to please. I grabbed a pair of gloves from my supplies on the nightstand, the latex giving a satisfying snap into place as I dramatically stretched my hands into them. It was comforting to me that no actual skin-to-skin contact would occur—we were being totally safe and totally respectful of his wife.
“Now, I want you to think about May,” I suggested, before touching him at all. “Close your eyes for a moment and picture her here with you.” He didn’t speak in return, seemingly quite nervous, but did as I said, closing his eyes and focusing on my voice. “She’s in your bed, waiting for you to take her.” I watched as his semihard erection turned stiff, just inches from my face.
I’d like to take a moment here to say how proud I am of myself for edging during the entire experience that followed. I could feel how much my pussy wanted to be touched—she was practically begging for me to reach my hand down my pants and play. But first of all, that would soil my gloves and constitute a mission failure. Second, this whole operation was not about me (a thought that made my diva pussy want attention even more). Nevertheless, I was determined and a non-amateur, so I steadied myself and made the first contact.
“Very good, sir. Now, you can open your eyes at any point, and I’m going to gently begin.” I sprinkled some water on my gloves and grabbed his shaft. I have Charlie’s hard cock in my hand! WTF?! A momentary reality check flew through my brain. He was opting to keep his eyes closed, so I decided to carry on with the visuals I’d been painting as I tugged him back and forth. “She’s pulling down her panties now, spreading her legs apart so you can see all of her.”
Charlie moaned—his first vocalization yet. Good, he’s relaxing, I thought. “Good, sir, that’s it. Now I’m looking at her chart here and I see she’s ovulating! This would be the optimal time to inseminate her, so I want you to crawl on the bed toward her….”
My narration was inadvertently turning me on, but I needed to get his cum into the cup and I was not about to let my personal appetite distract me. I incorporated my other hand as I increased the speed of my stroke, squeezing his balls and pulling them down, forward, then up toward his shaft.
“Ahh!” Charlie let out.
“Are you okay? Everything feeling alright?”
“Yes, yes, it’s very good. I’m close.”
“Verrry good, sir, you’re doing great. Just stay right there and you let me know when you’re about to cum, okay?” Goddammit, this is hot!
“Okay,” he huffed.
After milking him a while longer, I knew it was time to take him over the finish line, so I grabbed the sterile cup and twisted the lid off. Holding it in my right hand, just a few inches from his tip, I pumped him a little harder and faster with my left and continued the story.
“She’s fertile. She needs to be bred, so you spread her lips open and feel how wet she is for you. Now go ahead…stick it in,” I instructed.
I could feel that we were seconds away from an explosion, his cock hard as a rock—overly swollen and ready to burst.
“I’m about to cum!” He warned.
“Good! Cum inside her. Put it all deep inside her,” I yelled, encouraging his buildup to break down and let go.
And just like that, less than a foot from my face, I watched as the most glorious eruption occurred. I held the jar nice and close, letting my jaw fall open in amazement as spurt after spurt of gorgeous milky seed came rushing out of him. I felt like I was at Yogurtland, pulling down on the handle and serving myself as much cream as I wanted. There was something so pure about not “being involved” myself. For once, I could appreciate a climax in a controlled study, my eyes solely taking in what he was pouring out. And it was…marvelous!
As soon as his stream slowed to a drip, I kicked into high gear—the next steps were most crucial for the sample collection. Carefully, I ran with the jar back to the kitchen where the now-room-temp vial was waiting. Circulating the preserver solution with his ejaculate, I felt like a benevolent witch brewing a potion. Swirl it up, mix it in, seize the power, take the win! Something about bringing this man to orgasm, without getting naked or being touched myself, made me feel unstoppable.
I sealed up the kit, placed the prepaid shipping label on the box, and bid a now-fully-clothed and exhausted Charlie goodbye—in a surprisingly un-awkward fashion. On the way to drop off the sample at UPS, I checked my panties—yep, ridiculously sopping wet…like, the *actual* wettest I’ve ever been. Holy shit! I need to do this again with a partner of my own! I realized.
Not only did I get the seed deed done for my friends, but I discovered that putting on latex gloves and telling a man to give me everything he’s got very much does something for me—I officially have a medical kink! And a couple of years later, Charlie and May officially have a healthy baby. The best part? I was excused from buying anything off the baby shower registry—they were just grateful for my handmade gift.
*Name has been changed.
GG Sauvage is a writer and all-around artist on a mission to f*ck shame away and empower people with self-love. She designed The Sexiest Deck Alive: Erotic Oracle Cards to Turn You On & Help You Turn the Corner, co-hosts the Basic Witches podcast, and wrote the audio drama Sex and the Synchronicity. See her work at Refinery29, Vogue Italia, Vulture, CollegeHumor, and WhoHaHa, and check out her website for more!
