14 Submissive Sex Positions to Try With a Trusted Partner

If you’re interested in submissive sex, you’re not alone. According to a recent survey from Lovehoney and the Kinsey Institute, almost 20 percent of respondents said they’ve tried submission, and another 20 percent said they wanted to.

Different people have different reasons for wanting to try this specific form of BDSM, but one common factor is the escape from self-awareness that happens during submission, says social psychologist Justin Lehmiller, PhD, a scientific advisor for Lovehoney. “This can help to take you out of your head and let you be more in-the-moment and enjoy the sensations.”

Surrendering during sex can be an intensely intimate experience. “As a submissive, I can tell you firsthand it is extremely hot to be put in a position where all you can do is respond and experience pleasure,” says psychologist and sex and intimacy coach Lori Beth Bisbey, PhD.

And even though it might seem like submission is just letting someone control your every move, it’s not that at all. “Being Dominant is different than being an asshole, and being submissive is different than being a doormat,” says sex educator Beth Darling, founder of SexyEdSchool.com, and a romantic and sexual submissive. Being submissive means trusting your partner (aka your “Dom”) enough to let them guide the experience that you’ll have together.

5 Tips to Keep in Mind Before Trying Submissive Sex

Sound intriguing? BDSM, or BDSM-adjacent sex, can be intense emotional and physical territory, so you’ll need to do some solid prep work before, during, and after. Here are some expert tips to make sure it’s a safe and positive experience for everyone.

1. Talk to Your Partner First

Before trying anything new in the boudoir, have a clear and honest conversation with your partner about it. “Try taking turns telling each other stories about things you’ve always wanted to try and gauge their interest. Use questions like: ‘Would you be turned on if you did ______ to me?’ or, ‘Have you ever fantasized about anything like this before?’ You might be surprised to find they’re just as excited to try out these new things with you as you are,” says Lorrae Bradbury, founder of SluttyGirlProblems.com. (And if you don’t know what you’re into, try an online BDSM test.)

A submissive might not know exactly what is going to happen in a session, but they do need to know the boundaries of what will happen, and you’ll need to hash this out beforehand. Decide on questions like: Is physical pain like spanking allowed? What’s our safe word? What specific acts (demeaning dirty talk, bondage, etc…) are okay and what’s definitely off the table?

“Only equals can negotiate the giving and receiving of consent and boundaries so everyone approaches this on equal planes,” says sexologist and inclusivity consultant Lilithfoxx. Taking the time to negotiate a Dom/sub relationship that works for everyone helps make it not only safer but hotter. “With informed consent, it can be one of the most empowering and sexy experiences.”

2. Consent is Everything

Repeat after me: Get consent before doing anything you’re not 100 percent sure your partner wants to do. “Anything can happen in the moment, and it’s okay if something you were excited to try turns out to be less enjoyable when you actually do it. You and your partner can change your minds at any time. That’s why it’s so important to play with someone you trust,” says sex educator Emma Hewitt, host and producer of sex-positive podcast The Electric Rodeo, and sex toy expert at Adult Toy Mega Store.

3. Don't Be Afraid to Accessorize

BDSM toys and gear can help you both get in the right headspace, especially if you’ve never done it before. Let your partner pick a few shiny new accessories and, if you feel comfortable, give them full reign to use them on you however they want. Those wrists aren’t going to bind themselves.

4. Prioritize Aftercare

A hot BDSM sex session doesn’t just end once you both orgasm. “End the play with aftercare, a vital aspect of BDSM where the submissive and the Dominant wind down together after the experience. There are aspects to Dominant/submissive interaction that can be intense, giving you and your partner tons of endorphins and an adrenaline rush during play. But the come-down can be hard. Aftercare in the form of cleaning up, cuddling, or reflecting on the scene can alleviate these effects,” says Aliyah Moore, PhD, a certified sex therapist for SexualAlpha.

5. Safety First

“A submissive should always communicate discomfort or problems; a Dominant should always address those promptly,” says Carol Queen, PhD, staff sexologist at Good Vibes. Make sure your binding isn’t too tight. (“Slip a finger under the cuff or collar, the way you would to make sure a pet's collar is not too tight,” says Queen.) Have scissors on hand in case you need to get out of bonding in a pinch. Talk everything out before, during, and after. Have a safe word. Don’t try BDSM with strangers. You know… follow your instincts. If something feels wrong, don't ignore it.

Below, 14 expert-approved submissive sex positions to inspire your foray into the world of kink.