Anytime we’re talking about consensual non-monogamy, we have to take a step back and look at the larger structures that comprise these relationships. In polyamory, one of the most important (and foundational) definitions to understand is the “polycule.” This term comes from a combination of the words “poly” and “molecule,” and it’s “used to describe a polyamorous relationship network,” says polyamory educator Leanne Yau, founder of Polyphilia. “It’s the web of connections that are formed through multiple loving relationships.”
Basically, a polycule is the intra-relationship network in which polyamorous partners relate and function to one another (and to each other’s partners, aka metamours). Just like molecules, polycules can range in size and complexity, depending on the people engaged in them. “Some people choose to use the phrase ‘relationship constellation’ or ‘network,’ but the core idea is that when people are in more than one meaningful relationship, the whole group is connected the way each atom in a molecule is connected,” says Joli Hamilton, Ph.D., CSE, a qualitative researcher who focuses on non-monogamy. This differs from your standard open relationship because the emphasis is more on romantic and/or intimate connection, rather than just sexual interactions.
Here’s a cheeky example of a polycule: John is dating Jill and Marie. Marie is also dating Jasper and Kevin, while Jill is dating Lily and Shae. John may not be dating Jasper, Kevin, Lily, or Shae, but they are a part of his polycule because they are his partner’s partners. The polycule refers to everyone who is connected through various intimate ties.
If this sounds a bit confusing, don’t you worry. We have the ultimate guide to polycules right here, fresh off the press. We’ll break down what polycules can look like, the various ways they function, some important terms to understand, and some questions to consider before you embark on your own polyamorous journey.
Polycule: Meaning and Definition
Formally, “polycule” is an umbrella term that “connects romantic and intimate partners,” says Keely Kolmes, PsyD, a Bay Area–based psychologist who specializes in working with clients who practice consensual non-monogamy. The word is used to describe the larger polyamorous network you belong to, even if plenty of the folks in your unit are only second-degree (or third-degree) connections. This means you do not need to be dating everyone in your polycule for them to still be a part of it.
There’s also no limit to how large a polycule can grow. For example: If Jim and Sophie are primary partners but Jim has a secondary partner who has another primary partner, they are all in the same polycule. And that web of connectivity can stretch to, well, infinity and beyond.
Janet W. Hardy, coauthor of what’s often referred to as the OG non-monogamy bible, The Ethical Slut, says that in her polycule, many of the consenting individuals have held shifting roles in her life.
“Take my coauthor, for example,” she shares. “She’s been part of my polycule for over a decade. Sometimes our relationship is romantic, and sometimes it looks more like friendship—and that changes over time as the shape of my polycule shifts accordingly.”
Common Polycule Structures You Should Know
While there are truly endless ways that polycules can be structured, understanding a few of the more common dynamics can be helpful in learning to navigate your own polycule—or, at the very least, it can help you understand your polyamorous friends a little bit better.
‘V’ Polyamory
In a V structure, “three people are related but only one person is relating directly with each of the others, who don’t have the same type of meaningful connection directly to each other,” says Hamilton. Let’s take our earlier example of John, Jill, and Marie. John is dating Jill and he is dating Marie, but Jill and Marie are not dating each other. This creates a V.
Similar structures are “W” or “N” polyamory. Just like in the “V” shape, each line represents a romantic relationship between the partners, explains Hamilton. Those who are not connected by a direct line are not in a romantic partnership, but do belong to the same polycule. The person who is in a relationship with two people who are not dating is the “hinge.”
Throuples and Quads
Throuples, sometimes called “triads,” occur when three people are in a relationship with each other and all parties involved are dating each other. In “quads,” this group expands to four people. And, of course, it is possible that these groups can expand to five and beyond.
Triads and quads can be closed or open. In closed dynamics, the group only dates and has sex with their respective triad or quad. In more open structures, the triad or quad may form the primary structure, but outside romantic or sexual relationships may be acceptable. Hamilton says that these groups usually try to maintain an egalitarian, or non-hierarchical structure between partners, but this will vary depending on the group’s dynamics and preferences.
Comet Partners
Another important and interesting polycule relationship is the comet partner. These are partnerships that don’t rely on consistent contact or seeing each other at regular intervals.
“Sometimes the interval is predictable, like, ‘I see them once a year at the big conference’ and sometimes it is irregular, like, ‘When we are in the same state we always prioritize connecting,’” Hamilton says. While these relationships don’t get bogged down in the humdrum of everyday life, they can be just as meaningful as other partnerships.
Platonic Polycules
Okay, so here is where things get a bit complicated: Not all polycules are romantic. Some intimately connected groups may consider themselves a polycule, but the connections are platonic. “The idea is that they are part of a system that exists and relies on each other,” says Moushumi Ghose, MFT, a licensed sex therapist.
Are Hierarchies Necessary…or Outdated?
The short answer: It depends. But it’s never that simple. “It’s entirely possible to have multiple partners without establishing a hierarchy or labeling any of them as primary, secondary, or so on,” says Hardy.
But for some people, it can be helpful to organize by “drawing out a diagram to better visualize all the different webs and shapes and connecting lines that make up the polycule,” says clinical psychologist Akhila Kolesar, PhD.
The V polycule is a good example of where a primary partner acts as a hinge. “It’s common for parties of three in a polycule to organize themselves around a V shape, where one person serves as the primary connecting link between the other parties,” she explains.
In situations where one couple is super established—like if they live together or they’re raising a kid together, you might call them primary partners. But partners who share responsibilities aren’t always “primary.” They may have more of a shared life, but they still try to treat their other partnerships on the same level of priority, choosing to reject the notion that their partnership is somehow more important just because their lives are more intertwined. In these cases, they may choose to use the phrase “nesting partners” to denote their shared home and/or lives, while still holding their other partners in the same esteem.
In other situations, you have a primary partner and each of you brings a secondary (or even tertiary) romantic partner into the picture. So in short, there are no rules. It’s your party, so you call the shots as long as everyone is consenting. Hamilton says that hierarchies can only be practiced ethically if everyone is made very aware of the power dynamics that are inherently involved. “At the absolute bare minimum, people need to disclose that they are participating in a power dynamic and negotiate around that in a way that provides some kind of compensatory freedoms and privileges for the so-called secondary partner,” she says.
It’s not at all weird or uncommon for multiple members of a polycule to share homes or finances or an HBO Max account—and hierarchy isn’t necessary unless you want it.
What Questions Should You Ask Before Joining a Polycule?
Entering any relationship at all requires a whole lot of question-asking or negotiating. There are tons of important questions you’ll have to address as a group to ensure you’re all on the same page.
If you’re not in a throuple or similarly equilateral relationship, you’ll need to decide whether you want to meet your partner’s partners. It may be helpful to talk about what kinds of relationships you want to have with everyone else in the polycule in order to establish a group dynamic that‘s comfortable for all.
Yau says that there can certainly be relationships where metamours know about each other but don’t interact, but she says she finds polyamory is much more sustainable when there's more connectedness, as the more we get along well and have a close relationship, the easier it can be to maintain healthy connections and work through conflict if and when it arises.
“Transparency is such a big part of being in a polycule,” adds Kolmes. “So make sure you’re frank with one another about how often you’d like to see each other, how often you’d like to hang out in a group versus one-on-one, and what parts of your relationship should be purely sexual versus classically romantic.”
What Role Does a Metamour Play in a Polycule?
“Metamour” is a term used to describe your partner’s partner. They are not your partner. But the relationship you want with this person is entirely up to you.
“For some, a metamour is a person you’ll never meet. For others, it’s a person you’re friendly with. But either way, they’re one degree removed from you in the polycule,” says Kolesar.
Ghose says that being open to forming a connection with your metamour can be an important experience. “Getting to know your metamor is a big part of polyamory. And it can be a very difficult journey for many people who are new to this lifestyle,” she says. “The idea is that everyone gets to know each other, everything is out in the open, it’s all on the up and up.” And who knows? You may find a new best friend in the process.
Every polycule will function differently when it comes to closeness, but having, at the very least, cordial relationships with your metamours can help to keep things harmonious and functioning effectively.
Where closeness doesn’t happen by design is “parallel polyamory.” This is when polycule members may have many other partners, but their partners do not interact or have contact. They exist in a parallel structure.
Yau says we should also consider teleamours. These are our partner’s partners’ partners (and so on). They are polycule members who have a further degree of separation and, therefore, may have less of an impact on your day-to-day life and the partnerships you’re directly engaged in. But they still do have an affect on your life because they are still involved in your polycule.
What Does “Compersion” Mean to People in Polycules?
Start a conversation about polyamory with any non-monogamous friend of yours and the word “compersion” will probably come up. Generally defined as “the opposite of jealousy,” the term is used to describe the complex, messy, hard-to-describe feeling that comes from loving your partner for yourself and loving the act of sharing them.
It’s about appreciating and even celebrating the happiness your partner feels with other partners (rather than, say, spiraling into pits of jealousy and Instagram-stalking said secondary partners for hours on end).
“If your partner discovered something that they loved, you’d think, Wow, it’s really nice to see them feel happy. In that way, we all know what compersion feels like,” Hardy explains. “It’s entirely possible to feel confusion and jealousy and insecurity while also feeling genuine, sympathetic happiness for your partner.”
For Kolmes, compersion can even operate in tandem with a certain sense of relief. “It can be soothing to realize you’re no longer pressured to be everything to a partner. It’s okay for different needs to be fulfilled by different partners,” she says.
And at bottom, there’s something fundamentally freeing about giving someone else both the bliss and the burden of catering to your partner’s needs in ways that you can’t or simply don’t want to.
5 Tips for Starting (or Joining) a Well-Functioning Polycule
1. Figure Out Whether This Is Something You Want
Before you jump into any kind of CNM lifestyle, it’s really important to figure out if this is the right move for you. There needs to be open and honest discussions between you and your partner (if you have one) about what you envision your CNM dynamic to look like, the kinds of relationships you want, and boundaries you have—with a willingness to be flexible and learn along the way.
2. Get to Know Your Potential Polycule
If you’re considering joining an established polycule, Ghose suggests considering questions like: How do they problem solve? How do they welcome new people? “Try to get to know all of the members genuinely while also taking into consideration what it means for you,” she says. “Take your time, go slow, check in with yourself and with your feelings, because joining a polycule is a nuanced endeavor.”
3. Allow Your Polycule to Form Organically
If you’re forming a new polycule, allow it to develop organically, based on the specific situation and people involved, as opposed to coming to the table with rigid ideas about how it will look beforehand. Yau says that when you go in with strict rules and a specific structure in mind, it probably won’t end well because each person has their own unique needs and desires. The polycule needs to be co-constructed with all partners in mind.
Additionally, relationships change and shift over time—we have to welcome and embrace flexibility.
4. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
Polyamory has a reputation for being all about sex, all the time. No such luck, we’re afraid. Much of harmonious polyamory relies heavily on communication. It’s about 99 percent talking and negotiating and 1 percent sexy times. “Open communication, practicing healthy agreements and negotiation, and reflecting on the power structures of our relationships are all ways we can nurture our capacity to be in an enjoyable, functional polycule,” Hamilton says. Carve out time to discuss and reevaluate relationship agreements with partners. It can also be helpful to have a polycule check-in every few months to address larger issues in the wider group. When conflicts arise, address them quickly and with empathy.
5. Understand the Difference Between Responsibility and Entitlement
Power differentials within polyamorous relationships can lead to friction, specifically when partners who share more responsibilities begin to equate these responsibilities with entitlement over each other’s other romantic relationships.
“For instance,” Yau says. “If you’re married and have kids, [you] may have more responsibilities, but that doesn’t give [one] partner entitlement over your other relationships. It's important that people have equal opportunity to create the relationships that they want, rather than have it be controlled by an external party.” A lot of this is a hangover from our heteronormative monogamy-centric socialization. We have to be willing to question and unpick these messages in order to work through them.
Resources for Those in a Polycule (or Interested in Joining One)
If you’re interested in learning more about polycules, ethical non-monogamy, or polyamorous relationships in general, you can start by reading books like The Ethical Slut and listening to podcasts like Multiamory, Normalizing Non-Monogamy, and Swinging Down Under.
You can also join Facebook groups, sift through Reddit threads about ethical non-monogamy, and search the #Polyamorous, #ENM, and #EthicalNonmonogamy hashtags on other socials like Twitter and TikTok. Oh, and you can (and, ahem, should) check out our very own ‘Navigating Non-Monogamy’ column by Zachary Zane—just sayin’.
Eliza Dumais is a Brooklyn-based writer and editor covering food, wine, and sex (hedonism, essentially). Follow her on Instagram and keep tabs on her published work.
