Unless you’ve been living under an actual rock, we’re going to go ahead and assume you’ve heard of people calling their partners “daddy” or “mommy” in the bedroom. Love it or hate it, did you know this is actually part of a specific kind of kink? Yep, let’s talk about age play, folks.
Age play is a form of kink wherein partners take on characters of different ages within their Dom/sub dynamic. The Dom is in the “caregiver” role and the sub is in the “younger” role.
“It can involve power dynamics in the sense of one partner being a nurturing, and possibly disciplinary, adult figure and the other partner expressing a dependent childlike persona, needing care and guidance,” says Celina Criss, PhD, a certified sex coach specializing in BDSM.
Age play is a bigger umbrella term that includes subsets of more specific forms of play within it, such as Adult Baby Diaper Lovers (ABDL), DD/lg relationships (Daddy Dom/little girl), and Bigs/middles (caregiver/pre-teen). The common thread is that in each of these dynamics, someone is in the younger submissive role and someone is the caregiver, says kink educator Emerson Karsh.
These dynamics can be a part of a specific role play scene or a full-time lifestyle/relationship wherein littles/middles and Bigs live in their preferred age range 24/7, says psychotherapist Lee Phillips, EdD, a certified sex therapist.
And before we go any further: Yes, this kind of play is totally normal and no one is weird for being into it. It’s *very* important to emphasize that the people who engage in age play are all consenting adults who willingly and freely practice this kink.
If you’re interested in learning more about age play, why people are into it, and how to engage with this kink in a safe way, look no further. Here’s everything you’ve ever wanted to know about age play—or maybe didn’t know you wanted to know until you found this article. Either way: Hi, welcome! Let’s get into it, shall we?
Three of the most common age play dynamics explained
Because this kink is about, well, age, the three main forms it may take center around different age ranges/age gaps: Caregiver/baby, Caregiver/little, and Caregiver/middle.
- Caregiver/baby: Also referred to as Adult Baby Diaper Lovers (ABDL), this is when the Dom acts as a Caregiver and the sub acts like a baby or infant. The sub may wear diapers as a part of this play and use nonverbal communication.
- Caregiver/little: Also referred to as a DD/lg relationships (Daddy Dom/little girl) or a Mommy/lg dynamic. The Dom in this dynamic acts in the nurturing/disciplinary role and the sub complies, taking on the role of a child.
- Caregiver/middle: Also referred to as a Big/middle dynamic, this is when the Dom is the caregiver and the sub is in a preteen role. “Middle” is used to indicate that the middle is playing a role that’s a bit older than a “little.”
Why are people into age play?
There are so many aspects of this dynamic that may appeal to the kinksters who love it. At its core, age play is about the giving and receiving of care. This means it “is often playful and sweet, incorporating nurturing with discipline or behavioral management,” says Criss, adding that this also presents a terrific opportunity to explore a variety of other kinky acts, including spanking, reward/consequence, humiliation, praise, etc. It’s highly customizable, giving kinksters plenty of room to experiment and create unique scenes.
For the submissive, the desire to play in a certain age range isn’t about literally wanting to be a child or baby. It’s about wanting to embrace the innocence and carefree nature of being a little and the comfort of being cared for by someone else. According to professional kinkster Mistress Kye, a BDSM expert, these types of age-players may be practicing a form of escapism by temporarily regressing to a simpler time of their lives.
As for age-players who take on the Dominant role—Mommys/Daddys/Bigs/Caregivers—Philips says this kind of play can often be incredibly cathartic. “Mommy and Daddy types report that they enjoy being dominant and caring for others,” he says. Basically, everyone within the dynamic gets what they want out of it.
What does age play look like in practice?
While the kinds of play that go down will vary widely, Karsh says the age-play activities kinksters engage in are usually tied to bringing back or creating specific childhood memories. This can include playing with a toy you never received as a child (or one you miss), playing with coloring books, doing puzzles, watching cartoons, etc.
Kye adds that not all age play is sexual. Sometimes it’s simply about creating the Big/little dynamic and engaging within these roles.
For others, age play can involve sexual play and interests such as punishments and discipline. Think: “Spank me, daddy.” The specific activities can literally be whatever partners want them to be. Age play is about the roles you take on within the dynamic, not the specific actions.
4 Expert-Approved Tips for Trying Age Play in a Safe Way:
Follow the RACK
RACK stands for Risk Awareness Consensual Kink. This means being fully aware of what kind of play is going to take place, knowing how to do it safely, and ensuring everyone enthusiastically consents. A big part of kink under the RACK framework is negotiating scenes that feel safe and pleasurable for both partners. With age play, this might include considering exactly what both partners want out of their roles—including the names they would or would not like to be called.
Another thing to think about? Doing your due diligence if you’re playing with someone new. “It’s highly encouraged that age-players spend extra attention on vetting potential play partners,” Kye adds. This might look like having a few meetings in a public place and asking for references from past kink partners.
No sex is 100 percent safe, but following the RACK makes play as safe as possible.
Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries
Every single person in a kink scene deserves to have their boundaries understood and respected. As part of the negotiation process, be sure each person has a chance to express their hard nos. This could look like staying away from certain body parts, types of play, pieces of play equipment, etc.
Safe Words
Safe words and boundaries go hand in hand. Age play can bring up a lot of emotions, so having a safe word in place acts as a way to halt play if unexpected or distressing feelings come up. “Remember that it’s okay to stop if things start feeling weird,” Criss says.
Safe words are nonsexual words that indicate that you are reaching or have reached a boundary. If a safe word is called, all play should stop immediately. If you’re new to kink and safe words, the traffic-light system is an easy, straightforward place to start:
“Red” = STOP.
“Yellow” = I’m coming up to a boundary and might need to check in.
“Green” = Everything is great and I’m loving this.
Aftercare and Check-Ins
Aftercare is so, so important in all kink, but it can be especially so when it comes to age play. Engaging with this kink can bring up a lot of potentially negative post-play emotions, such as shame and regret. Having a space where partners can connect, cuddle, and talk through feelings can help all parties feel positively about the play.
Also: Check in afterward! Don’t just send your partner off into the world and not text or call. It’s good practice to check in with a nice little “How are you feeling?” or “I had a great time with you. Just wanted to make sure you’re feeling good about everything” text. It’s called manners.
Philips points out that 24/7 age play dynamics also require check-ins. “I recommend checking in once or twice a week on how both parties feel in the relationship,” Philips says. In kink dynamics (and all relational dynamics, TBH), we need to cultivate a communicative atmosphere so that everyone has an opportunity to regularly voice their needs and make adjustments where necessary.
