Are you someone who enjoys (or fantasizes about) the occasional threesome with your otherwise monogamous lover? Or perhaps the idea of banging a stranger with your partner watching at a sex party gets you going? If any of this rings a bell, you might be a little thing called monogamish.
First coined by sex columnist superstar Dan Savage, “monogamish“ denotes a relationship style wherein mostly monogamous couples choose to have extra-relational sexual experiences, often together. They are emotionally and relationally exclusive, but sexually open to various degrees.
Basically, it means you’re monogamous…but with some wiggle room.
“There are a million and one ways to practice non-monogamy, and monogamish centers monogamy with a side of adventure, depending on what feels right in the moment,” says licensed sex therapist Moushumi Ghose, MFT.
If you’re someone who values exclusive partnership but is interested in some degree of sexual exploration beyond strictly one-on-one sex with your primary partner, you might find that the monogamish lifestyle is for you.
Let’s break down what it means to be monogamish, what this actually looks like in practice, and some ways you can dip your toes into the monogamish side of life, should it call to you.
What Does It Mean to Be Monogamish?
In a monogamish relationship, partners are open to having sex with other people, but only in specific circumstances. They usually view themselves as mostly monogamous, emotionally committed partners with some room for extracurricular play on the side.
“Many monogamish folks are dipping a toe in non-monogamy,” Ghose says. “They are not ready to call themselves polyamorous or to embrace a full-on open relationship lifestyle, but they are curious and adventurous.”
The center of the monogamish configuration is the primary couple. “Monogamish relationships are characterized by a lot of monogamous norms—especially romantic and emotional exclusivity—with some flexibility, often in the domain of sexual, sensual, or kink connections,” explains Joli Hamilton, Ph.D, CSE, a qualitative researcher and coach who focuses on non-monogamy.
In a monogamish sitch, sex and sexual play are usually the only things that are on the table for exploration. Romantic or emotional interactions with others tend to be off-limits.
When it comes to the rules of being monogamish, well, it’s a real choose-your-own-adventure kind of situation. Only you and your partner get to decide how your monogamish relationship should function and what boundaries work for you.
Monogamish vs. Open Relationships: What’s the Difference?
“Non-monogamy” is a big umbrella term under which a wide variety of different relationship styles fall—such as monogamish, polyamorous, sexually open relationships, and more. Monogamish is a specific type of open or non-monogamous relationship wherein primary partners have room to explore sexually, usually under limited circumstances.
In contrast, full-on open relationships often involve broader sexual exploration than monogamish ones, as there is more emphasis on autonomy and allowance for connections to form more organically. Hamilton says that couples may choose to use the label “open relationship,” “monogamish” or both. It’s really about how you choose to identify and the boundaries you set in your relationship.
What Does a Monogamish Lifestyle Looks Like in Practice?
Partners in a practicing monogamish couple are open to sex outside of their primary relationship, but only in certain contexts. “It usually looks like a two-person committed romantic partnership that is hierarchical, but this couple has some level of poly-sexuality, meaning they may play with others from time to time,” explains licensed MFT and sex therapist Nicoletta Heidegger, MA, MEd, host of the Sluts & Scholars podcast.
Swinging
Monogamish couples may also identify as swingers or engage in swinging behaviors. Swinging is a form of partner swapping wherein couples will switch with one another for sex. This usually happens in the context of a swinger’s party, event, or meetup through an app.
Threesomes, foursomes, etc.
Monogamish couples are often open to playing together in a group sex setting, wherein they invite “guest stars” to join them. Couples can seek out and meet play partners on apps like 3Fun, Feeld, or #OPEN. These apps are specifically designed to match folx with similar interests who are looking for out-the-box sexual fun.
Sex parties
Sex parties are designed specifically for curious folks to explore their sexuality in a group setting. Some monogamish couples may play with others (together or separately), but only in the context of a play party.
Contextual openness
While many monogamish couples only explore sex outside of their relationship together as a unit, Heidegger says that these couples may also have an agreement that allows for play with others while one partner is out of town or not present. When the couple is present together, they may be totally monogamous.
How to Know If a Monogamish Relationship Style Is Right for You
If you want to have sex with people who aren’t your primary partner, being monogamish might work for you. Heidegger says monogamish might be a fit if you:
- You have sexual desires for other people that you’d like to act on.
- You have done some inner work and exploration to help you gain some insight about your desires.
- You want sexual variety and creativity.
Hamilton says that you have to be ready to communicate, as both partners need to be 100 percent on the same page. “Monogamish can work for people who are able to create a sense of safety through making clear, explicit agreements with their partner.” Meaning, you need to feel comfortable and ready to have some hard-ass conversations to navigate this new territory.
Ghose says some monogamish sexploration can also be a good option for folks who are looking to move more towards a more expansive or polyamorous lifestyle, but need a stepping stone along the way: “It’s an easy way for couples who are not sure about outright non-monogamy to figure out what kinds of open relationships will work for them.”
5 Expert-Approved Ways to Get Started on Your Monogamish Journey
1. Get clear on definitions
Monogamish can mean something different to everyone, so step one is getting on the same page with your partner about what you imagine this relationship will look like. “Don’t assume you’re just on the same page–get into the messy end of the conversation pool before you take actions beyond your current partnership,” Hamilton says.
2. Read all the material you can find
Learning about open relationships is key to figuring out if you actually want to have one. It can be really bonding to read with your partner. Try it before bed! Heidegger suggests adding Open Deeply, Opening Up, Polysecure, Polywise, and Polyamory Paradox to your Amazon cart.
3. Fantasize before you actualize
“The imagination is a great sandbox for exploring your edges together before taking the plunge into physical actions,” Hamilton says. Imagining what it might be like to play with a third, go to a sex party, etc. can be a really amazing way to identify how you might feel about opening up in real life. Just remember that if you do bring in real people to explore with, they are not props or playthings, says Hamilton. They deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.
Ghose also recommends not being afraid to get into the heavier topics, too.”Try to make some solid agreements for potential hazards for your relationship before making a concrete plan [to open up].”
4. Set short-term agreements
Set up an agreement with explicit boundaries, but treat it as a temporary arrangement. “Initial relationship agreements work best when they are treated as experiments,” Hamilton says. Have sit down check-ins on a regular basis to make sure everyone is feeling safe, secure, and confident. Be willing to adjust the agreement, as needed.
5. Hire a sex therapist
Having a moderator to help you on your journey can be hugely beneficial when you’re exploring opening up. Heidegger says to be on the lookout for someone who specializes in working with non-monogamy. As you work through your insecurities and attachment traumas, you can “gain tools and resources for managing and working through difficult feelings,” she says.
Going on an open relationship journey may seem daunting, but if non-monogamy is something you’re curious about, testing the waters with some monogamish sexploration may be just stepping stone (or perfect forever middle-ground) you need.
