What happens in a queer relationship when one of you isn't 'out'?

Coming out is often painted (by TV shows, the media, the straights, etc) as a one-time thing that all LGBTQ+ people have to do in order to be their authentic selves. Firstly, once you come out, you never bloody stop. Every time you meet someone new and they automatically ask you if you have a boyfriend, or misgender you, or say something low-key homo/transphobic, you make a decision whether to come out. Again. For the 1000th time.

And secondly, you do not have to come out. There are many reasons queer people choose not to tell anyone about their gender identity and/or sexual orientation. And whether anyone else knows or not, those identities are still very valid. But for some people, being 'out' and living openly in their identity is super important. So what happens when you're in a queer couple, but your partner's family aren't OK with it? Does that cause tension, and ultimately impact your relationship?

Singer-songwriter Emily Burns is known as an artist who uses slick, catchy pop to explore themes like sexuality, loneliness, and her own vulnerabilities. Emily came out as gay to her parents when she was a teenager, and they were "so fine about it and understanding". But when she entered into her first relationship, she found her girlfriend not being 'out' was a difficult thing to navigate.

"We were together at 15 and I was more comfortable with being 'out'. In fairness, we were going through it together. We were just baby lesbians, finding ourselves together," Emily, now 24, says.

"She was my first love and my first experience of a relationship. I'd go round and do homework, we'd revise for History. As much as we kept [our relationship] very quiet for the first while, I got to 16/17 and was like, ‘This is my girlfriend now, I want people to know and I want to share what we’re experiencing together.'"

Emily says her girlfriend was always "less comfortable" in her sexuality than she was, but eventually did tell her mum they were a couple. "She did tell her that it was more than [friends] and the shit hit the fan big time. I was no longer allowed to go round to do homework," she remembers. "Her mum was so anti it. I was banned from going to her house."

As Emily's family were supportive of her relationship, she had her girlfriend over and they continued to see each other. But it did have an impact on their relationship. "We made it work for a bit," Emily says. "We were on and off for three or four years, and kept coming back to each other. I kept thinking, is this happening? Are we going to be a thing?"

Eventually, when they were 19, they broke up for good and her ex started dating men. "That's fine, she's her own person and I do really hope she's happy," Emily says. But going through this made Emily realise one thing, having her partner's family's blessing was super important to her.

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"My partner being 'out' to their family is a huge thing for me because I’m so close with my family. If I really like someone and am spending a lot of time with them, I want my family to know about them. And I'd want theirs to know about me as well," she says. "To be accepted into someone’s life and family is huge, and if someone is not willing to share that I think it can be really tricky."

For Emily, that first relationship "solidified" her sexuality. "I think perhaps it did the opposite for her," she said. "I think, sadly, everyone else's opinions really affected her and made it hard for her."

And Emily ended up writing a song based on this experience. It's called 'Bitch'. "She’s like the sweetest person and I always like to clarify that she is not actually a bitch. When I was writing it, it was a tongue-in-cheek thing. It's not a malicious song, it's just poking fun at the situation."

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She says they never really talked about the situation, which Emily thinks is a shame. "There was a lot of trying to please her mum, who I think held onto her reins a little bit and has directed her. I’m not saying I would never be with someone who isn’t 'out' again. If I fall in love with someone, I wouldn’t let that affect it. I would support them, whatever their decision was. But it is a minefield and a really tricky thing. Obviously, in an ideal world, everyone would be accepting of everyone."

Regardless of sexuality and relationship status, Emily's songs will relate to most of us. "I hope anyone can take from [my music] and be like, ‘Yeah, I’ve definitely felt that exact emotion before’. I don’t want people to be feeling lonely, sad and heartbroken but I’m sure that a lot of people will be able to relate."

Emily Burns' new song 'My Town' is out now. Listen here.