Introducing the doppelbanger

From wayback when, starting with the Greek myth of Narcissus (who fell in love with his reflection, FYI) to more recent examples like the pandemic era phenomenon @siblingsordating, it's always been the case that some people's true desire is someone who looks...eerily like themselves, actually. And in the queer community, we've got a word for that: “dopplebanger”.

A fun play on words, this phrase is used by members of LGBTQIA+ circles to describe someone who tends to be attracted to people who look just like them. However, much like when Cady Heron co-opts Janis Ian’s introduction of Damien as “too gay to function”, in Mean Girls; the phrase doppelbanger, and the lifestyle behind it, could easily be misinterpreted by people out with the community.

Most straight people might get the word play, but they’re not in on the joke – and could misuse the term in a way which pathologises queer behaviour or reinforces tired tropes. After all, these kinds of dating preferences aren’t exclusive to LGBTQIA+ folk – it’s been psychologically proven that individuals of all orientations gravitate towards love interests who resemble themselves and that, over time, couples even wind up looking increasingly similar to one another. So if straight people buy into the idea that only queer people date their lookalikes, it isn’t such a great look. In fact, it can even be quite harmful: reinforcing damaging underlying notions that all gay people are narcissistic (they’re not) or that all lesbians look the same (they don’t).

Unsure where you stand? Here’s everything you need to know about doppelbangers.

What is doppelbanging?

Let’s break it all down and go back to basics: where did this term even come from?

Well, it should come as no surprise that ‘doppelbanging’, or ‘doppelbanger,’ is derived from the German folk term doppelganger, a word used to describe an uncanny look-alike. And, like we’ve already established, doppelbanging means sleeping with someone who bears a striking resemblance to yourself and is mostly used by the LGBTQIA+ community.

But while it’s something a lot of people may have seen anecdotally in their own friendship circles or Hinge matches the phenomenon has already had its own pop culture moment. In a much-loved Broad City episode, Ilana, played by Ilana Glazer, meets Adele, played by Alia Shawkat (swoon). The two share charged eye contact, drawn to their physical similarities, until they eventually kiss. Shawkat later described it as"....one of the best makeout scenes that I’ve had”. And it shows – Season 2, Episode 9, if you’re interested.

Why do people doppelbang?

Okay, what about doppelbanging in real life? How common is it? And what are the people like who do it? Well, you might scoff whenever you see perfectly coordinated couples in public, or laugh at “his and hers” matching accessories but ending up with someone who looks like you is waaay more commonplace than you might think – whether you’re doing it knowingly or not.

This is something that Poppy and her wife, Cassie, know a little something about. As teenagers, when they first started dating, their resemblance was uncanny. Thirteen years later, Poppy has only positive things to say about the similarities which drew them together. “I think the term doppelbanging is brilliant.” Poppy laughs. “I’ve had many comments about going for women with similar features to me. Especially when me and my wife first met. Everyone kept telling me I was dating myself.”

“I’ve always really enjoyed people saying I went for look-alikes. I like being a doppelbanger. It’s super common in queer relationships, but I don’t think it’s inherently queer either,” she explains. ‘It's also massively flattering when people say me and Cassie look alike, because I think she’s so gorgeous.”

There’s another, more pressing, side to wanting to look alike – one that ties into the necessity to “pass” as straight when out together, for fear of encountering harassment or hate crime. “It’s scary, we purposefully don’t hold hands in public,” says Poppy. “It was different when we lived in the city, but now we [live] in the country, we’re more cautious. Looking similar means we can hide in plain sight.” Leaning into their physical resemblances, even going so far as to present as sisters in public, is what helps them to feel safe.

But for Dani, a queer woman who also professes to having a “look-a-type”, being a dopplebanger has done little to provide protection. Instead, her dating preference has led to her being singled out by cis-het people – resulting in microaggressions and even outright homophobia. “I’ve received remarks that being into my look-alike is being arrogant, or ‘fancying myself’,” she recalls. “[That comment] came from a hetero person, too, who was questioning the validity of my fancying women at all.”

In her experience, perceived physical similarities between her and female partners have been just served as another form of ammunition used to invalidate her queer relationships. “​​As a queer woman I’ve already felt that the validity of my sexuality and relationships with women is up for discussion for a host of reasons that my relationships with men have not been,” she says.

Is the term doppelbanger problematic?

So, if you’re reading this at home, you’re probably wondering a bit about the ethics behind the term “doppelbanger” – whether it’s just a silly in-joke within the queer community or if it actually has a much more loaded meaning than you might realise at first glance. Speaking to members of the queer community, the answer isn’t so clear cut.

According to Mark, who identifies as bisexual, ​​it entirely depends on who is using the phrase, how they are saying it and if they’re LGBTQIA+ themselves. “​​If a hetero person used the term doppelbanger to suggest I’m narcissistic, or to shame me, it could be hurtful," he explains. "But if it’s a light-hearted observation about an individual I happen to have slept with and is just teasing among friends, I can take it."

Gigi Engle, Certified Sexologist (ACS), sex educator at OSuga and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: a guide to sex, love, and life unpacks why that may be. “There are so many reasons why the term doppelbanging can be problematic [when discussed] within the contexts of heteronormative culture,” she begins. “The thing is, when hetero society puts queer people into groups like this and refuses to acknowledge their differences, it becomes dehumanising. To assume all queer people in relationships, or otherwise, look the same is queerphobic.”

And at the end of the day, if you do happen to fall into the doppelbanger camp, just remember that it’s nothing to worry about. “There is nothing wrong with dating someone who looks like you,” Gigi says. “If you're a confident person who likes the way you (and they) look, what's wrong with being into someone with the same features?”

She’s right, of course. There’s nothing wrong with dating someone who looks like you. In the eternal words of Ru Paul; “If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”