Can you be allergic to the person you’re dating?

The prevailing school of thought around modern dating argues that it has rapidly gone from ‘merely unenjoyable’ to ‘irredeemable hellscape’. But, every so often, the clouds part and a sliver of hope pokes through, and you find someone that you actually want to spend every waking second with. But what does it mean when meeting a new lover coincides with a bout of acne, a persistent UTI, an eczema flare-up, anxiety, or insomnia? According to the internet, you might be allergic to the person you’re dating. 

Scroll anywhere on social media right now, and it’s likely you’ll come across videos advising viewers that “your body will tell you when a relationship is wrong for you” or “your body will always reject the wrong person”. In the same vein, a new trend sees TikTokers lip-syncing to Billie Eilish’s track “L’AMOUR DE MA VIE”, mimicking the lyrics “thought I was depressed or losing my mind / my stomach upset almost all of the time / but after I left, it was obvious why.” The comment sections are flooded with vindicated users sharing similar stories. “Real. my stomach hurting, sleeping 24/7, acne went insane, headaches, sad all the time,” one user writes. “My doctor told me I was physically allergic to my ex,” says another.

So, does the theory check out? On the flip side, we are well-versed in the science of how our bodies go haywire due to lust and attraction. We know that high levels of dopamine are released when we fancy someone, which can make us feel giddy and euphoric, often even leading to insomnia or decreased appetite; that sexual arousal appears to turn off regions of the prefrontal cortex in our brain that regulate critical thinking, rational behaviour and self-awareness (yes, being horny literally makes us stupid). Our bodies seemingly know when it’s a ‘yes’ in dating, but can our bodies similarly intuit when things aren’t right?

Louise, 28, experienced extreme anxiety, chest pains and recurrent thrush from the very beginning of her previous relationship. As her relationship progressed, her symptoms intensified, and she also began suffering from sciatica, as well as hair loss. “The GP determined it was stress-related, and I was prescribed anti-anxiety medication which didn’t really help me at all,” she says. Within six months of breaking up with her ex in February of last year, her symptoms cleared up and she was able to come off medication. “Throughout the relationship, I didn’t attribute my ex as the root cause of my health issues. However, looking back, it was like my body was intuitively telling me it was a bad situation.”

@alexisdimaya Girls listen to your body !!! #relationship #relationships #relationshipadvice #boyfriend #girlfriend ♬ original sound - alexis dimaya

According to Dr Lalitaa Suglani, psychologist and author of High Functioning Anxiety, when physical symptoms manifest during dating or after sex, it can be difficult to pinpoint the exact cause. “These symptoms could be due to bodily chemistry, such as incompatible pheromones, but they might also indicate that you don’t feel safe or comfortable around the person,” she says. “And this lack of safety can stem from emotional or psychological discomfort, rather than physical danger, too.”

Looking back, Louise is now able to see what the problems were. “I was his mental punching bag whilst he struggled with his own mental health,” she says. “The relationship also felt very one-sided and quite controlling.”

Like Louise, 25-year-old Dani* felt as though her body reacted badly to her former partner, as she broke out in extreme dermatitis during her relationship with her ex. “My skin was severely itchy, swollen and flaky, causing sores or fairly deep cuts so much that my hands were really raw,” she says. The symptoms started around “eight or ten” months into dating, coincidentally around the same time that they started doing long distance. At first she thought it could be a chemical allergy to something like his hair products, but slowly she began to piece together that it may be an extreme stress response. “We had been long distance for almost two years and I knew for almost the whole relationship that I didn’t want to live where he did, and vice versa. After the breakup I felt this sense of relief and possibility, and the dermatitis cleared up within a few weeks.” 

@geminibarbie13 Your body always knows!! #relationships #relationship #boyfriend #girlfriend #storytime #story #embarassing #viral #foryou #fyp #trending #date #dating #firstdate #relateable ♬ original sound - geminibarbie13

It makes sense that an underlying unease about the relationship – whether it’s down to incompatibilities in lifestyle, lack of trust, or perhaps even ill treatment on one or both sides – could be the root cause of these ‘allergies’. After all, it’s medically proven that episodic or chronic stress brought on by anxiety can affect every organ system in our bodies including cardiovascular, respiratory, endocrine, gastrointestinal, nervous, muscular, and reproductive systems. This, and the fact that reportedly one in five of us experience relationship anxiety, physical manifestations of stress from dating may be a lot more common than we think. 

But American board-certified psychiatrist and New York Times bestselling author of The Genius of Empathy Judith Orloff believes that people may also “be too obsessive about listening to their bodies”. The ubiquity of these videos means that millions of us are being encouraged to be hyper-vigilant to any sort of bodily change and jump to conclusions quickly without interrogating the root cause of why these symptoms have come up.

She adds that “our past histories complicate things” and that we should be paying attention to the timing of when the symptoms arise. “If it’s the moment we feel intimacy, then it may not be to do with the other person,” she says. “It could be that this person triggers you in a way that the others haven’t triggered you, and it’s harking back to unresolved trauma in your childhood that’s making you uncomfortable.” 

@anahitaxo It’s actually insane #relationship #relationshipissues #bodysignals #grwm #relatiobshiptruths #boyfriendair #boyfriendairtheory ♬ original sound - anahita

Somatic sexologist Alice Child agrees, adding that what some people call ‘intuition’ can actually just be stored information that our body is sending us. “The body is able to not only receive information from the world around us, but also process and store it, often without conscious awareness,” she says. Like how a certain smell for example can trigger a strong memory we otherwise might not have been able to recall, or a certain touch or stimulus can trigger a physical response in the body that is based on (often negative) past experiences. “Our brain and body are constantly trying to keep us safe, so if you ever get a ‘bad feeling’ about something or someone, it might very well be your body accessing stored information in your body, even without your conscious awareness.” 

But there are also other factors at play. Social media has made a comparison monster out of all of us. We’ve never had more exposure to what we believe an ideal relationship should (or shouldn’t) look like. There’s only so many times a person can listen to Lana Del Rey crooning “when you know, you know” over a highlights reel of a complete stranger’s relationship before it makes you suddenly startle in the middle of the night, anxious about your own comparatively unglamorous relationship.

At the end of the day, some relationship anxiety is normal – whether you’re in a long-term relationship or fresh off a soul-destroying 2am Hinge swiping session. But it’s important to make balanced observations, and, if you can, interrogate all the possible reasons the symptoms have arisen. Obviously, if they treat you like shit, your friends and family hate them, and you break out in hives every time you go near the person, it’s probably not looking good. But if you’ve managed to find someone who makes you feel (I already retroactively hate myself for saying this) Warm Inside™ and you’re still experiencing strange symptoms, then by all means go to the doctor, see a therapist, hit pause on TikTok – but maybe don’t pump the brakes just yet.