The modern woman supposedly wants a man with a zesty aura – but what’s behind this new dating trend?
“I love when beautiful girls have a little gay boyfriend. They just have a little feminine, vintage Levi-wearing, tote bag-carrying, moustached little boyfriend. He’s covered in the most random tattoos you’ve ever seen. His co-workers are shocked when he has this beautiful, stunning, amazing girlfriend, and they’re like, ‘Is she your cousin?’ And he’s like, ‘No, I make sweet, sweet love to her, and I worship her,’ and I think that’s really beautiful. I love those couples.”
If you’ve been on TikTok lately, you may have seen young women showing off their “gay” boyfriends in viral videos to the audio above, created by Teen Vogue writer Ashleigh Carter (see below for an example). The women proudly stand beside their boyfriends in the videos, while the men are shocked by how well the sound describes their aesthetic. The comment sections are often filled with other women proclaiming that they, too, need a “fruity boyfriend” in their lives.
This wasn’t the first time I had come into contact with the term “fruity” being used positively in the context of dating. Despite being amid a dating crisis, many of my friends have recently got into relationships with men. When we gossip about their new partners, they casually remark that these new boyfriends are “fruity”, using it as a descriptor of their behaviour rather than their actual sexual identities. It’s true that most of their boyfriends often dress in the same fashion as Carter lists above; they’re also communicative (or so they say) and are open about their feelings. Often said with a smile on their faces, the term “fruity” appears to be a way for some women to signal that there is something good or progressive about the men they’ve partnered with.
As author and video essayist Alice Cappelle writes in her new book Collapse Feminism, “an increasing number of male celebrities, influencers and fictional male characters reject the dogmas of heterosexual macho masculinity, and it must be said that women and queer people love to see that.” Over the last few years, men seen as effeminate have been lauded, criticised and heavily debated within our culture. From soft boys, Tiktok’s sassy men apocalypse (a trend which saw men express quippy attitudes that many associate with femininity), to “fruity” men, each one of these phrases has similar definitions, describing men who are considered to be effeminate and sensitive because of their behaviours and aesthetics.
Male celebrities such as Josh O’Connor, Timothée Chalamet, Harry Styles, Jaden Smith, Paul Mescal, Steve Lacy and Omar Apollo have all been labelled soft boys or “fruity.” From O’Connor’s visit to the Chelsea Flower Show, Mescal playing sensitive and queer characters on screen, to Styles’ flamboyant sense of style and venture into the beauty world through his brand Pleasing. All of these men are labelled as being “fruity” either because of their proximity to queerness – through being queer or playing queer on screen – or through their engagement in behaviours regarded as “feminine”.
They have also been described by various media outlets as being the “opposite of toxic masculinity”, even though we don’t know how any of these men behave in their personal lives – and one of them is rumoured to dump women in parks and then flee the scene at full pelt. While men like this were once (and still are) insulted for not adhering to the standards of idealised masculinity, being derogatorily labelled as “metrosexual” or simply as “gay,” there is a palpable desire – that has been growing for the last few years – for effeminate men. But why?
“I think so many straight women feel entirely misunderstood by their boyfriends or husbands because straight men are socialised to dislike anything remotely feminine,” explains Beth, a 24-year-old straight woman. “As a result, I think a lot of heterosexual women want to date ‘fruity’ men because they have a greater tendency towards, and therefore respect for, femininity.” Beth is not alone in the belief that “fruity” men, because of their interest in things considered “feminine,” are more respectful and ultimately safer for women to be around. In a viral TikTok made by content creator Maddison Lieberwirth, she states that she is very attracted to men who are “a little bit fruity” and “a little bit on the gayer side of life,” captioning the post by saying, “You just feel safe to me.”
24-year-old queer writer Flora* similarly agrees with Lieberwirth’s assessment, telling Dazed, “Queerness adds a layer of protection for me, as their politics are often a lot more nuanced and left.” However, the different language used by Lieberwirth and Flora highlights a key point of difference between straight women’s desire for effeminate men and queer women’s desire for effeminate men. Lieberwirth asserts that she desires a man who is “a little bit fruity” and a “little bit gay”, which suggests that she wants a man who acts “feminine” but not too feminine, who acts “gay” but who isn’t really gay. On the other hand, Flora explicitly mentions men’s sexuality and politics rather than just their behaviour.
@maddisonlieberwirth You just feel safe to me #dating #datingbelike #mytype #femboy #whatgirlslike #whatgirlswant #dating101 #girlsrelate #girlsrelatable #girlsrelatetothis #girlthings ♬ original sound - Maddison Lieberwirth
To be transparent, I don’t know how Lieberwirth sexually identifies. But her video follows the same conventions of how other straight women talk about “fruity” men. In another video using Carter’s “gay little boyfriend” audio, one TikTok user shows off her “gay” boyfriend, captioning the video: “I have a little gay boyfriend, and he knows it. PSA: relax. We’re seven years in love doing a silly trend”. She is suspiciously quick to emphasise that her boyfriend isn’t really gay and that nobody should think so. This reaction isn’t entirely surprising given that the term “fruity,” now used positively, was once used as a slur against gay men. Originating in Britain, the term compared gay men to fruit, as they were believed to be “soft, tender and effeminate”.
This is one of the main problems queer men and non-binary people have with straight women’s usage of the term. “While it’s nice to see people looking toward a different type of masculinity, it’s jarring to see straight women who uphold heteronormativity and harmful traditional values stating they want a ‘fruity’ boyfriend. Not only is it kind of offensive, but you obviously don’t want a ‘fruity’ boyfriend. You just want to date a straight man who is stylish,” remarks Ibrahim*, a 24-year-old queer artist.
While the discourse around depictions of “healthy masculinity” is often dominated by conversations around aesthetics (i.e. men wearing skirts and wearing nail polish), straight women’s desire for “fruity” men is also due, in part, to the growing political divide between young men and young women. “Parallel with the rise of Andrew Tate and tradwives, ‘fruity’ men just seem like the opposite end of the spectrum,” explains Georgia, a 25-year-old Media and Communications graduate. “People see ‘fruity’ men as sensitive, fashionable, open with emotions, not toxic, not misogynistic and generally more accepting and inclusive.” However, even within this explanation, discussions around ‘fruity’ men tend to go back to aesthetics and how it signifies something moral about them.
this was really hard to do, but I’m glad I did it ❤️ pic.twitter.com/4KwI6EE8Qx
— Michael Kandel (@K_A_N_D_E_L) June 26, 2024
Attaching oneself to signifiers of “softness” does not make that person inherently good. Queer men, soft boys, leftist men and yes, “fruity” boys all have the ability to be abusive. Their interest in things deemed “feminine” does not change that fact, as we are all – regardless of gender – capable of enacting great harm to one another. We should also question why we’re assigning gendered categorisations to behaviours at a time when it is no longer politically correct to do so. “Your boyfriend isn’t actually “a little bit gay” if he carries a man’s purse or cries at America Ferrera’s monologue in the Barbie movie,” my colleague James Greig rightly points out to me. “Even if you’re saying it in a positive sense, you’re still associating feminine-coded behaviour with homosexuality, rather than expanding the possibility of what male heterosexual behaviour might look like.”
Dating for young people is rough right now. And it is particularly challenging for women who date men. But it’s clear that women are looking for men who are emotionally intelligent, respectful and open. They just want to feel safe. The fact that men are becoming more open with their feelings and are ascribing less to traditional gender roles, that not only harm women but also harm them, is a cause for celebration. However, our desire for better romantic partners should go beyond aesthetic signifiers of “progressiveness”, because aesthetics do not truly challenge toxic masculinity. In her groundbreaking book, Feminism Is For Everybody, bell hooks writes, “If women and men want to know love, we have to yearn for feminism. For without feminist thinking and practice, we lack the foundation to create loving bonds.” She details how, in the 70s, profound disappointment with heterosexual relationships led many women to the feminist movement. While they all wanted the love of a good man, they knew that if men were not feminists and did not care about their freedom, liberation or autonomy, “there would be no lasting happiness” between them.
It has been 24 years since the release of Feminism Is For Everybody, but hooks’ words remain true today. We need men to not just “look” progressive but to live in their theory and practise their beliefs. The same can be said for women. While many women claim to want to date “feminine” men, they still require their boyfriends or prospective partners to adhere to some component of traditional masculinity. In many ways, that desire goes against feminism’s goal to end patriarchal oppression, a social system that women themselves internalise. We should want to liberate each other from the shackles and violence of gender because only then can we create genuinely loving and safe environments for our relationships to flourish in.
Long live the “fruity” boy! Hopefully, one day, we can live in a world where your identity doesn’t need a label. A world where, as Capelle argues, a man’s identity can be formed “outside the constraints of masculinity and outside the constraints of a fixed definition.”
*Names have been changed.