James Marshall > Quotes

“I'm American so I believe in God. I mean, even if people "invented" God instead of the other way around, God is "real" as far as I'm concerned. Just because something didn't exist before you invented it doesn't mean it doesn't exist after you invented it. You don't stand in front of a speeding care because it's an "invention" and there was a time when it didn't exist. No. You get the hell out of the way.”
― James Marshall, Ninja Versus Pirate Featuring Zombies

“Then, dramatically, all of a sudden, totally out of nowhere, and to my utter astonishment, absolutely nothing happens.”
― James Marshall, Ninja Versus Pirate Featuring Zombies

“I'm your saviour; I've come here to destroy you.”
― James Marshall, Ninja Versus Pirate Featuring Zombies

“Francis Bacon is a good-looking young man. I don't think he has a girlfriend but I don't know. I don't think he has a boyfriend, either, but I don't know. If he has a group of friends at school, that where he keeps them. He doesn't get many phone calls here. He doesn't go out often. He keeps to himself, even in the family. He's pleasant and polite. Sure, he and I get into fights. He doesn't have his music loud enough. He doesn't drink or smoke enough. We never walk in on him having sex with some girl. It's regular family stuff. "Francis Bacon, are the cops ever going to come looking for you?" You know. That sort of thing.”
― James Marshall, Zombie Versus Fairy Featuring Albinos

“Jesus preached socialism and pacifism," I say, "which is wrong and un-American since it discourages entrepreneurship and doesn't support our troops, but I'm a Christian so I forgive him.”
― James Marshall, Ninja Versus Pirate Featuring Zombies

“I love you, Guy Boy Man. I love you in a very gay way..."

"Jeez. I'm flattered, Honey. I'm sorry, though. I've chosen to be heterosexual... Do you want to be my homoerotic sidekick?”
― James Marshall, Ninja Versus Pirate Featuring Zombies

“Guy Boy Man," says Baby Doll15. "Violence is not the answer."

I look down the hallway, steely eyed. "Then I don't like the question." Sweetie and I high five.”
― James Marshall, Ninja Versus Pirate Featuring Zombies

“I'm Guy Boy Man, which, I admit, is pretty weird, because I'm not Asian, or a series of keywords to search for gay porn, or heterosexual porn, I guess, if you're a chick and you're into porn and if you are, let me just say, that's awesome.”
― James Marshall, Ninja Versus Pirate Featuring Zombies

“In Eastern Europe, we are suspicious of the 'h' and the 'j.' The 'h,' when it is small, looks like a chair. Is it an electric chair? We don't know. Is it a regular chair sitting on a trap door? Again, we don't know. When it's big, the 'H' is always dangerous. If you pass under it, maybe the bar will fall on you. If you go over it, possibly the bar will shoot up when you're halfway across. And the 'j,' whether big or small, is always a hook. In Eastern Europe, we don't get caught.”
― James Marshall, Ninja Versus Pirate Featuring Zombies

“God,
The world sucks;
It's a real mess;
Nobody can fix it;
It's hopeless;
Thanks a lot;
Amen.
--Guy Boy Man's recommended prayer for the awesome.”
― James Marshall, Zombie Versus Fairy Featuring Albinos

“No girl has ever had this effect on me! She's taking up so much of my attention, I'm having a hard time smoking cigarettes and drinking whiskey!”
― James Marshall, Ninja Versus Pirate Featuring Zombies

“Their skin is the colour grey would be if grey turned grey.”
― James Marshall, Ninja Versus Pirate Featuring Zombies