Henry Cloud's Blog, page 6

Respect is a necessary element for any couple to grow in love. Each person needs to feel that they are respected by the person they are getting to know. This involves creating boundaries in dating where both parties have esteem or regard for all aspects of the other. Respect is different from empathy, though any relationship needs both to be hand-in-hand.

Empathy is the ability to feel another’s experience, especially painful ones. Respect is the ability to value another’s experience. You may not be able to actually empathize with someone, but you can always take a position of respect for them. For example, a guy may restrain himself from pushing his girlfriend sexually for either reason. He may feel deep compassion for the dilemma he is putting her in. Or he may restrain himself because he respects her right to make her own moral decisions. Relationships develop best when both empathy and respect are in place.

When respect is present, the other person feels that he can be free to be who he is. He can be honest, and still feel connected and safe. He doesn’t worry that he will be attacked, humiliated, or treated poorly. When respect is absent, many people will find themselves controlled, neglected, or injured by someone who doesn’t care about their needs or feelings.

If you desire to be respected, you are not asking to be treated special. Respect is not worship. It has more to do with being treated as you would like to be treated, which is Jesus’ Golden Rule (see Matthew 7:12). It means things like the following:

Your opinion is heard and valued.
Your differences and disagreeing are validated.
Your choices are esteemed, even the wrong ones.
Your feelings are regarded.
When you are wrong, you are confronted respectfully, not talked down to nor babied.

Disrespect flourishes when someone values their own desires above their date’s. They may not be actively trying to hurt the other. Instead, the other person’s feelings, freedom, or needs get trampled or ignored because of how intent their date is on having their own way. Disrespect tends to be more self-centered than malicious in nature, though that does occur also.

Building boundaries in dating situations means that a couple needs to know that their feelings, needs, and freedom are respected. When someone is uncomfortable in a sexual situation, or is hurt by a sarcastic remark, or becomes angry with a broken promise, that is a signal that something is going on. The other person needs to take those feelings seriously. The couple needs to talk about what triggered this, and solve the problem.

Disrespect may come out in several ways, and it usually involves some violation of freedom in one of seven ways:

Dominating. The other person won’t hear “no” from her date. When he disagrees, she intimidates, threatens, or rages. She is offended by her date’s freedom to choose. For example, a woman may want her boyfriend to spend lots of time with her. When he tells her he’d prefer to do other things, she may disrespect his freedom by becoming angry and telling him their relationship will be jeopardized.
Withdrawal. One person pulls away when the other exercises some freedom or difference. He may isolate, sulk, or be silent. But he is passively punishing his date for her differentness. For example, a woman might want to go out with the girls on a night that her boyfriend wants to be with her. While he doesn’t complain, he also doesn’t call or talk to her for a while. He is showing her that he doesn’t respect her freedom.
Manipulating. One person shows disrespect by subtle stratagems designed to make the other person change his mind. A woman may cry or nag to get her boyfriend to help her paint her apartment when he doesn’t have the time.
Direct violation. The person disrespects by continuing the same hurtful action, even after being asked not to. A man might chronically cancel dates at the last moment. Even though she tells him how much this bothers her, he keeps doing it.
Minimizing. One person says the other person’s negative feelings are simply an overreaction.
Blaming. A man talks about a problem, but the woman indicates that he himself caused the problem. For example, a man will tell his girlfriend that it hurts when she makes fun of him in public. She might respond with, “If you would pay more attention to me, I wouldn’t have to resort to that.”
Rationalizing. The other person denies responsibility for whatever caused the problem. For example, the chronically late date excuses the hurt his girlfriend feels by saying, “I understand your feelings, but it was the freeway traffic, not me.”

Respecting someone doesn’t mean that you agree with them. Nor does it mean that you will comply with what they want. It means that their feelings matter because those emotions belong to a person who matters. Listen to, understand, and try to help the situation.

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Click to Tweet: If your feelings, time, opinions, or values are not being respected, you need to take some sort of action.

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If your feelings, time, opinions, or values are not being respected, you need to take some sort of action. You may need to end your silence and bring up the issue. You may need to bring it up as a serious issue, not to be put off. You may need to set consequences on the event happening again. That’s what boundaries in dating is all about.

I knew a woman whose date was always having fun at her expense when they went out with friends. Finally, she started driving a separate car to the events so that she could leave when he got disrespectful. It took only a few occurrences of this for him to see that she was serious, and things got better.

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Ready for more helpful advice about how to build the best dating relationship and find the love of your life? Check out Boundaries in Dating.

The post Say “Yes” to Respect in Dating appeared first on Boundaries Books.

Recently I (Dr. Cloud) was discussing personnel issues with a CEO. I asked him why he thought those problems were there. He talked about some reasons, most of which had to do with the various players involved, and also the “constellations” of a few teams. But then I asked him a simple question. “And why is that?” I asked.

“What do you mean? I think it is the reasons I just said.”

“I know the reasons you said, but why do those reasons exist?” I continued.

“I don’t get it. What do you mean?” he asked further.

“Who is the leader? Who is in charge of the culture? Who is in charge of the ways that it is working, the fact that all of that exists?” I pushed.

He just looked at me, and nodded. “I am,” he said.

“So what kind of culture would you like?” I asked. “What kind of culture would drive the business forward if you had it?”

When he thought about that, he looked upward, lost in thought for a moment. Then he got out of the “problem-speak” mode, and I could see a shift in his energy as a new vision of a different culture sprang to life in his eyes. He began to describe a company culture that was positive, highly energetic, accountable, innovative, and performance oriented. He came alive when he talked about it. “So why don’t you build that kind of culture?” I asked.

For a nanosecond it seemed like he was about to reflexively blurt out a reason why it could not happen, but then he paused and said something I will never forget: “You know, when you think about it … I am ridiculously in charge.”

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Click to Tweet: Are you building the environment you want or just allowing things to happen?

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At that point, I knew he got it. He realized that he would have exactly the culture that he creates and would not have the one he did not allow to exist. Whatever culture he got, he was either building it or allowing it. He was “ridiculously in charge,” that is, “totally in charge,” and at that moment, he owned it. It was his. It was truly up to him. As a leader, he was going to get what he built, or what he allowed.

In your leadership at work or at home, are you building the environment you want or just allowing things to happen? What change could you initiate to be ridiculously in charge?

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For more insights to improve your leadership skills, read Boundaries for Leaders by Dr. Henry Cloud. Learn more about this helpful resource.

The post Are You Ridiculously in Charge as a Leader? appeared first on Boundaries Books.

Adolescents get angry a lot. They live in protest mode, so it is second nature for them to get mad at everything in the world, especially their parents. But some parents are conflict-phobic — they are uncomfortable and afraid of being the object of their teen’s wrath, and so they avoid setting boundaries with teens.

However, this teaches adolescents that if they throw a tantrum, they can get out of a limit. Teens who learn this will also have difficulty experiencing healthy adult relationships. To help your child avoid this relational future, you’ll want to teach him to accept responsibilities in relationships without having outbursts.

Many parents who fear their teen’s anger have either had little experience in dealing with anger or had some very negative experiences. Whichever the case, these parents have few tools to deal with angry people, so they avoid confronting them because it’s too uncomfortable.

If this is your struggle, in addition to fearing your teen’s anger, you may also fear the strength of your own anger. To resolve this fear, learn to experience and normalize anger — your own and others’ — as a part of life. Make this an intentional item of growth for yourself.

You can get used to angry feelings by dealing with them in your own supportive relationships. Tell others about your discomfort with anger, and practice expressing your anger in safe relationships. Also learn how to listen while others express their anger. Instead of panicking or fearing the worst, focus on what the person has to say and then have a conversation about it. The book, How to Have That Difficult Conversation, may be a good resource for helping you learn how to have healthy, confrontational conversations so that you can work through your fear of anger.

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Click to Tweet: Stay connected to your teen even while she is angry, and yet still hold the line.

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If your teen is never angry with you, you’re probably doing something wrong! So let your teen get mad at you, and stay present with her, as long as she is in some sort of control of herself. Remind yourself that when parents hold to the established limits, adolescents respond in anger. This is normal. If you can stay with your teen’s anger and still love her while holding the line, she can more readily learn to give in and let go of her anger, which is a major step toward maturity.  The task is to stay connected to your teen even while she is angry, and yet still hold the line. With this approach, she can more readily accept your limit and give up her angry protest of your rules.

Fear doesn’t have to paralyze you so that you can’t set limits with your teen. The more you work out your own struggles with these unhelpful emotions, the better equipped you will be to help your teen experience and accept your love and your limits.

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Learn more ways to help your teen grow into a mature, responsible adult by reading Boundaries with Teens by Dr. John Townsend.

The post Why Teens Should Get Angry with Parents appeared first on Boundaries Books.

Susie had a problem that I (Dr. Townsend) had seen countless times before. This thirty-year-old woman would return from a visit to her parents’ home and suffer a deep depression. When she described her problem to me, I asked her if she noticed that every time she went home to visit, she came back extremely depressed.

“Why that’s ridiculous,” she said. “I don’t live there anymore. How could the trip affect me this way?”

When I asked her to describe the trip, Susie told of social gatherings with old friends and family times around the dinner table. These were fun, she said, especially when it was only family.

“What do you mean ‘only family’?” I asked.

“Well, other times my parents would invite some of my friends over, and I didn’t like those dinners as well.”

“Why was that?” Susie thought for a minute and then replied, “I guess I start to feel guilty.” She began to recount the subtle remarks her parents would make comparing her friends’ lives to hers. They would talk of how wonderful it is for grandparents to have a “hands on” role in raising the children. They would talk of the community activities her friends were doing and how wonderful she would be at those activities if she only lived there. The list went on and on.

Susie soon discovered that, when she returned home, she felt as if she were bad for living where she lived. She had a nagging sense that she really should do what her parents wanted her to do.

Susie had a common problem. She had made choices on the outside. She had moved away from the family she grew up in to pursue a career on her own. She had been paying her own bills. She had even gotten married and had a child. But on the inside, things were different. She did not have emotional permission to be a separate person, make free choices about her life, and not feel guilty when she did not do what her parents wanted. She could still yield to pressure.

The real problem is on the inside. Remember, boundaries define someone’s property. Susie, and others like her, do not really “own” themselves. People who own their lives do not feel guilty when they make choices about where they are going. They take other people into consideration, but when they make choices for the wishes of others, they are choosing out of love, not guilt; to advance a good, not to avoid being bad.

Why Do We Act This Way?

The patterns you learn at home growing up are continued into adulthood with the same players: lack of consequences for irresponsible behavior, lack of confrontation, lack of limits, taking responsibility for others instead of yourself, giving out of compulsion and resentment, envy, passivity, and secrecy. These patterns are not new, they have just never been confronted and repented of.

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Click to Tweet: Your family members are the ones you learned to organize your life around. Beware that they can send you back to unhealthy patterns by their very presence.

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These patterns run deep. Your family members are the ones you learned to organize your life around. Beware that they can send you back to unhealthy patterns by their very presence. You begin to act automatically out of memory instead of growth.

To change, you must identify these “sins of the family” and turn from them. You must confess them as sins, repent of them, and change the way you handle them. The first step in establishing boundaries is becoming aware of old family patterns that you are still continuing in the present.

Look at the struggles you are having with boundaries in your family of origin, identify which of the boundaries laws are being broken, and then pinpoint the resulting negative fruit in your life.

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If your family dynamics are driving you crazy, read “How to Resolve Boundaries Problems with Your Family” in Chapter 7 of The New York Times bestselling book, Boundaries.

Click here to read a sample chapter, watch a video, and purchase your copy today.

The post Setting Boundaries with the Sins of Your Family appeared first on Boundaries Books.

Trespassing on other people’s property carries consequences. A “No Trespassing” sign usually carries a threat of prosecution if someone steps over the boundaries. The Bible teaches this principle over and over, saying that if we walk one way, this will happen, and if we walk another way, something else will happen.

Just as the Bible sets consequences for certain behaviors, we need to back up our boundaries with consequences. How many marriages could have been saved if one spouse had followed through with the threat of “if you don’t stop drinking” (or “coming home at midnight,” or “hitting me,” or “yelling at the kids”), I will leave until you get some treatment!” Or how many young adults’ lives would have been turned around if their parents had followed through with their threat of “no more money if you quit another job without having further employment” or “no bed if you continue to smoke marijuana in my house.”

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Click to Tweet: We need to back up our boundaries with consequences.

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The Apostle Paul is not kidding in 2 Thessalonians 3:10 when he says that “if anyone will not work, don’t let him or her eat.” God does not enable irresponsible behavior. Hunger is a consequence of laziness (Proverbs 16:26).

Consequences give some “barbs” to fences. They let people know the seriousness of the trespass and the seriousness of our respect for ourselves. This teaches them that our commitment to living according to helpful values is something we hold dear and will fight to protect and guard.

Question for Reflection:

Do you find it difficult or easy to set or maintain consequences with others when they “trespass”onto your emotional or relational property? Why or why not?

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Boundaries is available for small groups! Looking for a great resource to use with your church small group, Sunday School class, or local Bible study? Check out these four powerful small group studies based on the Boundaries material.

The post The Power of Painful Consequences appeared first on Boundaries Books.

“His irresponsibility is making my life miserable,” Jen began. She then went on to tell me (Dr. Townsend) a terrible story of how her husband had successfully avoided adulthood for many years at her expense. She had suffered greatly at the hands of his behavior, both financially and sexually.

As I listened, though, I could see that her deep sense of hopelessness kept her in prison. I could see countless ways she could be free from her husband’s patterns of behavior. She could make numerous choices to help both herself and the relationship. But the sad thing was that she could not see the same choices that were so clear to me.

“Why don’t you stop paying for his mistakes and bailing him out? Why do you keep rescuing him from the messes he gets himself into?” I asked.

“What are you talking about?” Jen asked, alternating between muffled sobs and a scornful expression. “There’s nothing I can do. This is the way he is, and I just have to live with it.”

I could not tell if she was sad about what she perceived as a hopeless case or angry with me for suggesting she had choices. As we talked further, I discovered an underlying problem that kept Jen from making such choices.

She did not experience herself as a free agent. It never occurred to her that she had the freedom to respond, to make choices, to limit the ways his behavior affected her. She felt that she was a victim of whatever he did or did not do.

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Click to Tweet: God designed the entire creation for freedom. We were not meant to be enslaved by each other; we were meant to love each other freely.

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God designed the entire creation for freedom. We were not meant to be enslaved by each other; we were meant to love each other freely. God designed us to have freedom of choice as we responded to life, to other people, to God, and to ourselves. But when we turned from God, we lost our freedom. We became enslaved to sin, to self-centeredness, to other people, to guilt, and to a whole host of other dynamics. She did not experience herself as a free agent. It never occurred to her that she had the freedom to respond, to make choices, to limit the ways his behavior affected her.

Boundaries help us to realize our freedom once again. Listen to the way that Paul tells the Galatians to set boundaries against any type of control and become free: “It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery” (see Galatians 5:1). Jen felt herself enslaved by her husband’s patterns of behavior and did not see the choices available to her. But God tells us to not be subject to any kind of enslaving control at all.

For love to work, each spouse has to realize his or her freedom. And boundaries help define the freedom we have and the freedom we do not have. Marriage is not slavery. It is based on a love relationship deeply rooted in freedom. Each partner is free from the other and therefore free to love the other. Where there is control, or perception of control, there is not love. Love only exists where there is freedom.

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For more helpful advice to enhance your marriage, read the award-winning book, Boundaries in Marriage, by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

The post Love Only Exists Where There Is Freedom appeared first on Boundaries Books.

By Dr. John Townsend

“One of my stretch goals for this year is to lose sixty pounds.”

Allison, an owner of a small financial services business, made that announcement to her team on the first day with our leadership coaching program. It was a serious moment, for both Allison and the team. During our briefing meetings before the program’s launch, Allison had mentioned a long-term struggle with weight and how discouraged about it she was. So when she committed to an actual number and elevated the priority to one of the three stretch goals that members have for a given year, she was expressing a great deal of vulnerability and courage to the team. The group, in its turn, was moved by how open she was about her frustrations over previous attempts and committed to Allison to be there for her any way they could.

As I got to know Allison, I was struck by everything she had already been doing right about weight loss for years. Highly intelligent and inquisitive, she had researched body metabolism, nutrition, even brain chemistry. She had also created structures such as calendaring gym times, getting a trainer, and using the leadership team as an accountability system. And yet she had no pattern of success. She was stuck on the yo-yo cycle.

At the same time, I began noticing a pattern with Allison in our group. More than anyone else, she was the giver. She provided great financial solutions for team members who had money challenges, as she was highly proficient in that world. Not only that, but she was a relational giver as well. When someone was discouraged, stressed, or beating themselves up for some failure, Allison was warm and empathic and had the right encouraging things to say. She had an intuitive ability to feel what others were experiencing and go to the heart of the matter. And beyond that, between our monthly meetings, she was the one who reached out most often and most consistently to the team members via face-to-face contact, phone calls, and texts.

But there was another side of Allison’s engagement with her group. She never asked for anything relational. Her conversations were almost all about either the needs of the team or some functional need, such as how to parent her teen better or how to align her employees with the company’s vision. It was never about asking for support or just for someone to listen.

Though everyone appreciated how helpful she was, I and the other members began observing the dissonance with Allison. In our group sessions, one of them might say, “So how are you doing?” And she would adroitly divert the focus away from herself and onto others, saying things like, “I’m doing fine, but I’ve been concerned about you, Travis. It seems like what’s going on in your company and with your kids is a lot to bear, and it feels like it must be overwhelming.”

Fortunately, several members of the team were pretty mature in the emotional-relational arena and wouldn’t let the diversion slide forever. They were concerned about her. One of them finally said, “Allison, I have to be honest with you. I don’t feel as close in our relationship as I’d like to. I sort of know you, but I don’t think I really know you, at least not like I do the rest of the team.”

Allison was a bit hurt by this. She said, “I’m sorry, but I really don’t understand. I think I’m all in for you guys. I really am committed to you. You mean a lot to me, and this is a surprise.”

I took over at that point and asked the team, “Well, let’s get a baseline. Does anyone else have this experience of Allison?”

Most of the members spoke up and said something similar.

Now Allison was just plain confused. “What am I doing wrong?”

I said, “First of all, you’re doing a lot right, so let’s not lose sight of that. But I agree with the team that you shy away from being vulnerable with us and bringing your real needs to the team. I rarely hear you ask for support, listening, acceptance, or anything like that. And the problem is that people don’t really know us until they know our vulnerabilities and needs. I think the team knows your care, your support, and your encouragement. But it tends to end there.

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Click to Tweet: People don’t really know us until they know our vulnerabilities and needs.

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“I’d like for you to think about why it is that you don’t ask from this group what you provide to them. More to the point, I’d like for you to talk with us about what the feeling and experience would be if you did ask for support in some way.”

Allison was quiet and reflective. Then she said, “I think I’m just happier when I take care of people.”

I said, “Sure, that’s a good thing. But your team members are happy when you give to them as well, and you don’t have that kind of happiness. Keep exploring what you think the experience would be. I think it has some negative connotations.”

Allison said, “I think it would be a very negative experience if I asked.”

“Why?”

“Because if you guys had any sense, you would pull away from me. You don’t need one more needy, high-maintenance person in your lives.”

The group was surprised and saddened to hear Allison speak of herself with such harsh words.

I said, “That’s a pretty tough self-assessment, Allison. Is that how you experience the team’s needs?”

She began to protest. “No, not at all. I love you guys! I am so comfortable with the challenges you have, and I would never see you in a negative light!”

I knew I didn’t have to say anything more, because I saw the wheels turning in her head.

Her face reddened and she said, “So you’re wondering why the disconnect here?”

“I am.”

That led us into a great deal of productive but difficult team discovery with Allison about why she was so judging of her own needs but so gracious with those of others. She had grown up in a home where her parents needed her to be highly responsible and caring, above and beyond what a child should have to be. She was the one who, at eleven years old, would calm her mom down when she was upset. When her teenage brother, who was into drugs and acting out, had episodes, she made sure her dad was not too upset. The technical term for this issue is the parentified child. The child had to parent the parents. Allison was eleven years old on the outside and thirty years old on the inside.

One thing parentified children never do is ask for their needs to be met. The unspoken covenant in Allison’s family was that she was to be the sourcer and not the sourcee. The fear was that if she had a problem, was overwhelmed, or failed, it would bring the whole family down, as she was always the strong one, at least in her mind.

The lights quickly came on for Allison as she began to understand all this. She had no room in her head for her own needs. She perceived herself as a sourcer, a helper and supporter of others, a strong person without needs.

As Allison processed all this with the group, they began validating her needs, acknowledging how right and proper it was that she ask for what she did not have. They would say, “I’d honestly feel closer to you if you said you’d like to talk about yourself and what your struggles are” and “Now that I know a bit about your history, I feel a great deal of compassion for what it was like to have to be the glue for everyone in your home.” The group began to support her, reach out to her, and express compassion for her, doing what the body of Christ is supposed to do with each other: “comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God” (2 Cor. 1:4). They did this from time to time, during the course of several days’ meetings.

At first Allison pushed back, saying things like, “Guys, I’m fine. Other people here have bigger challenges than I do” and “Can we get the spotlight off me?”

Then an amazing thing happened. During one session, Allison began to express what it had felt like to have to be the strong one, with no room for needs, and how hard that was. She had been getting it cognitively, but now it was happening emotionally. And she started having feelings of loneliness, sadness, and being overwhelmed and beyond herself. The group had been pouring relational nutrients into her and challenging her beliefs about herself, and she began feeling safe enough to acknowledge what was true.

This changed everything for Allison. She became more open and vulnerable about her career, her marriage, her parenting, and her childhood. She brought up struggles and asked for support. In a sense, she truly joined the team, because she now related to them as they were relating to her and each other.

And she began losing weight. Gradually and consistently, the pounds began dropping off. Allison had the aha experience of realizing that the only place she could go for her needs was to food, rather than relationship. Food had always been the comfort and support for stress and struggle, and it protected her from having to take relational risks. But as she became more comfortable asking for her needs, the food was much less necessary.

With all the weight loss structures and strategies she already had in her life, the missing piece was what is technically called “internalizing the good” from others. It has been several years since Allison went through the program, and she is still maintaining a healthy weight and lifestyle.

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Taken from People Fuel by Dr. John Townsend. Learn more about this groundbreaking book at PeopleFuelBook.com.

The post The Relational Trap Givers Need to Avoid appeared first on Boundaries Books.

The parents of a twenty-five-year-old man came to see me (Dr. Townsend) with a common request: they wanted me to “fix” their son, Bill.

When I asked where Bill was, they answered, “Oh, he didn’t want to come.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Well, he doesn’t think he has a problem,” they replied.

“Maybe he’s right,” I said, to their surprise. “Tell me about it.”

They recited a history of problems that had begun at a very young age. Bill had never been “quite up to snuff” in their eyes. In recent years he had exhibited problems with drugs and an inability to stay in school and find a career.

It was apparent that they loved their son very much and were heartbroken over the way he was living. They had tried everything they knew to get him to change and live a responsible life, but all had failed. He was still using drugs, avoiding responsibility, and keeping questionable company.

They told me that they had always given him everything he needed. He had plenty of money at school so “he wouldn’t have to work and he would have plenty of time for study and a social life.” When he flunked out of one school, or stopped going to classes, they were more than happy to do everything they could to get him into another school, “where it might be better for him.”

After they had talked for a while, I responded: “I think your son is right. He doesn’t have a problem.” You could have mistaken their expression for a snapshot; they stared at me in disbelief for a full minute. Finally the father said, “Did I hear you right? You don’t think he has a problem?”

“That’s correct,” I said. “He doesn’t have a problem. You do. He can do pretty much whatever he wants, no problem. You pay, you fret, you worry, you plan, you exert energy to keep him going. He doesn’t have a problem because you have taken it from him. Those things should be his problem, but as it now stands, they are yours. Would you like for me to help you help him to have some problems?” They looked at me like I was crazy, but some lights were beginning to go on in their heads.

“What do you mean, ‘help him to have some problems’?” his mother asked.

“Well,” I explained, “I think that the solution to this problem would be to clarify some boundaries so that his actions cause him problems and not you.”

“What do you mean, ‘boundaries’?” the father asked.

“Look at it this way. It is as if he’s your neighbor, who never waters his lawn. But, whenever you turn on your sprinkler system, the water falls on his lawn. Your grass is turning brown and dying, but Bill looks down at his green grass and thinks to himself, ‘My yard is doing fine.’ That is how your son’s life is. He doesn’t study, or plan, or work, yet he has a nice place to live, plenty of money, and all the rights of a family member who is doing his part.

“If you would define the property lines a little better, if you would fix the sprinkler system so that the water would fall on your lawn, and if he didn’t water his own lawn, he would have to live in dirt. He might not like that after a while. As it stands now, he is irresponsible and happy, and you are responsible and miserable. A little boundary clarification would do the trick. You need some fences to keep his problems out of your yard and in his, where they belong.”

“Isn’t that a bit cruel, just to stop helping like that?” the father asked.

“Has helping him helped?” I asked.

His look told me that he was beginning to understand.

Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.

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Click to Tweet: A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.

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Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. If I know where my yard begins and ends, I am free to do with it what I like. Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options. However, if I do not “own” my life, my choices and options become very limited.

Think how confusing it would be if someone told you to “guard this property diligently, because I will hold you responsible for what happens here,” and then did not tell you the boundaries of the property. Or they did not give you the means with which to protect the property? This would be not only confusing but also potentially

dangerous.

This is exactly what happens to us emotionally and spiritually, however. God designed a world where we all live “within” ourselves; that is, we inhabit our own souls, and we are responsible for the things that make up “us.” “The heart knows its own bitterness, and no one shares its joy” (Prov. 14:10). We have to deal with what is in our soul, and boundaries help us to define what that is. If we are not shown the parameters, or are taught wrong parameters, we are in for much pain.

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Click here to learn more about The New York Times bestseller Boundaries.

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To see how setting limits plays out in relationships, it’s important to understand that there are two types of boundaries – defining boundaries and protective boundaries. Each kind of boundary has a distinct purpose. It’s important that you learn the difference, because defining should become permanent in your life, while protective boundaries are the ones you can move “beyond.”

Defining boundaries are values that establish who you are and who you are not. They are at the core of your identity and reflect what you believe is important and valuable in life. Here are a few examples:

I follow God and his ways and will always live my life in him.
I love my family and friends, and I will treat them with grace and truth.
I know my mission and purpose in life, and I will not divert from it.
I say and receive the truth; I’m neither silent in saying it nor defensive in receiving it.

These defining boundaries help you and others know the real you, the person who has substance and stands for things that matter. They help guide your decisions and directions in life. Here are some examples of how defining boundaries might be used in your relationships:

“I’m looking for a position that fits my strategic abilities rather than one that is in operations.”
“We have a rule that all who live in this house go to church.”
“I want to hear the truth from you about how you think we are doing in our relationship.”
“I’m a night owl, so let’s not plan something that requires that we get up at, oh, dark thirty.”

This is simply how you tell people who you are and how they tell you who they are. You clarify and define yourselves with these sorts of boundaries.

Protective boundaries are different. They are designed to “guard your heart” (see Proverbs 4:23), and your life, from danger or trouble. There are times when you must protect your values, emotions, gifts, time, and energy from people and situations that may waste or injure them. Protective boundaries have several elements to them. You have to face the reality that talking hasn’t fixed a situation, and you have to set a limit.

A protective boundary might begin with a statement like this: “I want us to work this out, but nothing I’ve said has made any difference, so I’m taking a different route.” This affirms that you value the relationship and that you want the other person to understand that your actions are not punitive but, ultimately, redemptive. You are simply trying to solve a difficulty in the relationship with your protective boundaries.

The consequences portion of the boundary then needs to be stated in an “If . . . then . . .” form to make sure the other person understands you mean business. For example, consider the following statements:

“If you continue being thirty minutes late to events, I will take a separate car.”
”I need a better work ethic from you in the office, or we’ll have to make some changes.”
“If you keep spending over our budget, I will cut up the credit cards.”
“I can’t lend you any more money until I see you making serious efforts to find a job.”
“I want to bring your grandkids to see you, but if you just surf the Web while we’re there, it’s not worth it to come.”
“I want to see my grandkids at times when you don’t need a babysitter; otherwise I feel taken advantage of.”
“If you won’t stop drinking too much or using drugs, I will take the kids and move out.”

Here’s the important distinction between a defining boundary and a protective boundary. A defining boundary is forever and unchangeable, part of what makes you “you”; a protective boundary can change if the other person responds to it in a healthy way. Your defining boundaries mean that, for example, you will always follow God, love people, be committed to personal and spiritual growth, and so forth.

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Click to Tweet: A protective boundary can change if the other person responds to it in a healthy way.

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These are the core parts of you, and you don’t change them. But you might change a protective boundary if the other person understands what they are doing to you and makes a significant change. Then you might lessen or end the consequence: no separate cars, no making changes, reissue the credit cards, and so forth. When the change happens, you no longer need the protection.

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Ready to go deeper on this topic? Discover how to set healthy limits in any situation and prevent unnecessary burdens from controlling your peace and energy in the New York Times bestselling book, Boundaries.

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George sat in my (Dr. Cloud’s) office, despondent. His wife, Janet, whom he loved deeply, had just moved out because he had lost another job. A very talented person, George seemed to have everything he needed for success. But he had lost several good jobs because of his irresponsibility and inability to follow through. Bosses loved the talent but hated the performance. And after several family disruptions because of his failures, Janet had had enough.

“I love her so much,” George said to me. “Doesn’t she see that?”

“I believe that you love her,” I said. “But in reality, I don’t think that she does. All she sees is the effect your behavior has had on her and the children, and she asks herself, ‘How can he love us and treat us this way?’ You cannot just love someone and not deliver. Love without the fruits of love is really not love in the end. She feels very unloved because of what you have put her through.”

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Click to Tweet: Love without the fruits of love is really not love in the end.

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If George was to have a chance of winning Janet back, it would not come through one more empty promise. He needed to develop boundaries to gain the self-control that would make him a responsible person. Janet was only going to believe in action, not just talk about love.

George had never been required to deliver the fruits of love when growing up. His parents were fine, hardworking people. But having gone through the Depression and a lifetime of hard work, they did not want George to have to struggle as they had. As a result, they indulged him and required very little work from him.

When they did give him chores and responsibilities and he did not deliver, they would not discipline him, thinking that they wanted him to have “positive self-esteem” rather than the “guilt” with which they grew up. Consequently, he did not see any negative effect on his loved ones when he did not perform.

But marriage was different. He was now in a relationship in which the one he loved also had requirements for him, and things were falling apart. For George to become a truly loving person, one whose love actually made a difference in the lives of others, he was going to have to become a responsible person. In the end, love is as love does.

Loving people respect the boundaries of others. Have you ever been in a relationship with a person who could not hear the word no? How did you feel? Typically one feels controlled, manipulated, and resentful instead of respected and loved. A controlling person steps over the line and tries to possess the other. This does not feel very loving, no matter how much the offender says he cares.

Loving people are able to control their impulses. Many alcoholics, for example, have great love for their families. Their drinking greatly troubles them, and they feel horrendous guilt. But still they drink, and although, like George, they love, the effects of their lack of ability to say no to alcohol ends up destroying the relationships they care about. Many other impulse problems—such as sexual acting out, overspending, food or drug abuse, and rage attacks—end up destroying love as well. A lack of boundaries keeps these behaviors going.

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Ready to go deeper on this topic? Discover how to set healthy limits in any situation and prevent unnecessary burdens from controlling your peace and energy in The New York Times bestselling book, Boundaries.

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