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Co-parenting 101: Helping Your Kids Thrive in Two Households after Divorce
A successful co-parenting relationship is as vital to your child's well-being and health as nutritious food or proper exercise. Research, anecdotal evidence, and plain common sense all point to the fact that children are happier, healthier, and better adjusted when both of their parents play an active role in their lives. Studies also show that the trauma children experience in the wake of a divorce or separation can be lessened when they see their parents getting along. Kids whose parents successfully co-parent feel more secure than those who have limited or no connection to one of their parents post divorce.
Co-Parenting 101 is based on the premise that co-parenting is a must, not an option. The involvement of both parents—not just the primary guardian—is the cornerstone of successful co-parenting. This is the first book written by a formerly married couple for whom co parenting is central to their day to day lives, and it offers a comprehensive, personal, and upfront look at how to effectively raise kids with an ex-spouse.
Authors Deesha Philyaw and Michael D. Thomas, the creators of the popular co-parenting website, coparenting101.org, share their own experiences raising their children together, as well as provide professional advice from co-parenting experts. Through practical tips combined with expert parental strategies, this book a great resource for divorced parents with children.
For parents, less time stressed out about legal wrangling means more time to be fully present and engaged with the children. By learning to put their animosity aside, parents can focus on putting their kids first.
Co-Parenting 101 is based on the premise that co-parenting is a must, not an option. The involvement of both parents—not just the primary guardian—is the cornerstone of successful co-parenting. This is the first book written by a formerly married couple for whom co parenting is central to their day to day lives, and it offers a comprehensive, personal, and upfront look at how to effectively raise kids with an ex-spouse.
Authors Deesha Philyaw and Michael D. Thomas, the creators of the popular co-parenting website, coparenting101.org, share their own experiences raising their children together, as well as provide professional advice from co-parenting experts. Through practical tips combined with expert parental strategies, this book a great resource for divorced parents with children.
For parents, less time stressed out about legal wrangling means more time to be fully present and engaged with the children. By learning to put their animosity aside, parents can focus on putting their kids first.
208 pages, Paperback
First published May 1, 2013
About the author
Deesha Philyaw
11 books1,058 followersDeesha Philyaw's collection of short stories about Black women, sex, and the Black church, THE SECRET LIVES OF CHURCH LADIES is forthcoming from West Virginia University Press in Sept. 1, 2020. Deesha is the co-author of Co-Parenting 101: Helping Your Kids Thrive in Two Households After Divorce, written in collaboration with her ex-husband. Her work has been listed as Notable in the Best American Essays series, and her writing on race, parenting, gender, and culture has appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, McSweeney’s, The Rumpus, Brevity, dead housekeeping, Apogee Journal, Catapult, Cheat River Review, TueNight, ESPN’s The Undefeated and The Baltimore Review; Essence, Ebony, and Bitch magazines; and various anthologies. Deesha is a Fellow at the Kimbilio Center for African American Fiction and a past Pushcart Prize nominee for essay writing in Full Grown People.
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Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews
November 13, 2019
Read this for research, nobody panic.
I think this is a perfectly fine book for those going through a divorce and needing to figure out co-parenting and dealing with your ex's new partners etc. It basically centers around how to discover a new relationship style that works, how to stay focused on your kids instead of your personal issues, and how to not be a jackass. I'm poly, and a lot of the advice applies to any healthy poly relationship anyway, so it didn't really have anything new or particularly enlightening for me, but if you're not in the habit of dealing with this stuff already, I think it's probably a good 101 course.
I think this is a perfectly fine book for those going through a divorce and needing to figure out co-parenting and dealing with your ex's new partners etc. It basically centers around how to discover a new relationship style that works, how to stay focused on your kids instead of your personal issues, and how to not be a jackass. I'm poly, and a lot of the advice applies to any healthy poly relationship anyway, so it didn't really have anything new or particularly enlightening for me, but if you're not in the habit of dealing with this stuff already, I think it's probably a good 101 course.
October 8, 2019
After becoming “the poster children for divorce” in their community, Deesha Philyaw and Michael D. Thomas started the blog Co-Parenting 101 “to provide a place for cooperative co-parents to share their stories so that others might be encouraged, and to challenge the stereotype of the always-messy divorce.” Their streamlined paperback presents the wealth of information the two acquired in a well-organized format and authoritative-yet-conversational tone that makes it easy to read and relate (e.g., “You can’t commit to honoring your child’s relationship with the other parent and commit to punishing that parent forever at the same time. Guess which ‘commitment’ has to go.”).
After demonstrating the benefits of successful co-parenting to both adults (less depression, grief, anger, and money lost to legal fees) and children (lower rates of attachment issues, depression, teen pregnancy, behavioral problems, suicide, drug abuse, poor academic performance, school dropout, and delinquency), they offer “do” and “don’t” lists that lead the way to “civility, compromise, and cooperation.”
DO: “Vent about your ex only when your children aren’t around” and “insist that family and friends also refrain from bad-mouthing your ex.” DON’T: “Burden your children with details about money and other problems related to the breakup.” DO: Take the high road. (Spoiler alert: It pays dividends for you as well as the kids.) DON’T: “Indulge children with gifts or by being overly permissive in an effort to ‘make up for’ the divorce or assuage [you]r guilt about it.” DO: Let your child know they are “free to love both parents openly” by being positive and interested when they talk about time with the other parent. DON’T: “Treat your child like a confidante, counselor, or fellow ‘victim.’” DO: “Recognize that during his parenting time, it’s his house, his rules, his way.” DON’T: Implicitly or explicitly ask children to agree that divorce was the right call. DO: “Put on your game face, cry in the car after your child has left, do whatever you need to do to hold it together so that your child is truly free—emotionally free—to go with the other parent and enjoy herself.” The lists go on.
Philyaw and Thomas also cover the basics of different legal mechanisms (mediation, collaborative divorce, litigation) as well as the various schedule options and other logistics. But their strength lies in encouraging self-regulation and acceptance of a bottomline that should be familiar to parents, happily married or not: “There will be times when you’re called upon to be uncomfortable or shoulder a burden so that your children don’t have to.”
In part, they do it through modeling. Philyaw and Thomas live on the same street. They have always invited one another inside for transitions to give their girls a feeling of ease, even in the years when that was emotionally rough for the grownups. Though both have since remarried, they all spend Christmas Eve and day together. They sit together at school and extracurricular events. The “whole family—children, spouses, and stepchildren—socializes from time to time and goes on annual vacation.” Most kids, they say, “dream about their parents getting back together, and having their parents get along is almost as good…. Kids want reassurance that even though the family they have known is breaking up, they are still part of a family.”
Throughout the book’s pages pro-tips are sprinkled, little practical gems derived from collective experience that facilitate bigger principles. If you can afford it, buy two of all but the most expensive things your child owns so they don’t have to lug bags and both houses feel like home. Set up a staging area like Philyaw’s “Dad Basket” to keep artwork, forms to sign, and other things headed for the other parent as a physical manifestation of ongoing cooperation. Find humor in the hard moments. And remember, “it’s never too late to commit to improving your co-parenting situation.”
After demonstrating the benefits of successful co-parenting to both adults (less depression, grief, anger, and money lost to legal fees) and children (lower rates of attachment issues, depression, teen pregnancy, behavioral problems, suicide, drug abuse, poor academic performance, school dropout, and delinquency), they offer “do” and “don’t” lists that lead the way to “civility, compromise, and cooperation.”
DO: “Vent about your ex only when your children aren’t around” and “insist that family and friends also refrain from bad-mouthing your ex.” DON’T: “Burden your children with details about money and other problems related to the breakup.” DO: Take the high road. (Spoiler alert: It pays dividends for you as well as the kids.) DON’T: “Indulge children with gifts or by being overly permissive in an effort to ‘make up for’ the divorce or assuage [you]r guilt about it.” DO: Let your child know they are “free to love both parents openly” by being positive and interested when they talk about time with the other parent. DON’T: “Treat your child like a confidante, counselor, or fellow ‘victim.’” DO: “Recognize that during his parenting time, it’s his house, his rules, his way.” DON’T: Implicitly or explicitly ask children to agree that divorce was the right call. DO: “Put on your game face, cry in the car after your child has left, do whatever you need to do to hold it together so that your child is truly free—emotionally free—to go with the other parent and enjoy herself.” The lists go on.
Philyaw and Thomas also cover the basics of different legal mechanisms (mediation, collaborative divorce, litigation) as well as the various schedule options and other logistics. But their strength lies in encouraging self-regulation and acceptance of a bottomline that should be familiar to parents, happily married or not: “There will be times when you’re called upon to be uncomfortable or shoulder a burden so that your children don’t have to.”
In part, they do it through modeling. Philyaw and Thomas live on the same street. They have always invited one another inside for transitions to give their girls a feeling of ease, even in the years when that was emotionally rough for the grownups. Though both have since remarried, they all spend Christmas Eve and day together. They sit together at school and extracurricular events. The “whole family—children, spouses, and stepchildren—socializes from time to time and goes on annual vacation.” Most kids, they say, “dream about their parents getting back together, and having their parents get along is almost as good…. Kids want reassurance that even though the family they have known is breaking up, they are still part of a family.”
Throughout the book’s pages pro-tips are sprinkled, little practical gems derived from collective experience that facilitate bigger principles. If you can afford it, buy two of all but the most expensive things your child owns so they don’t have to lug bags and both houses feel like home. Set up a staging area like Philyaw’s “Dad Basket” to keep artwork, forms to sign, and other things headed for the other parent as a physical manifestation of ongoing cooperation. Find humor in the hard moments. And remember, “it’s never too late to commit to improving your co-parenting situation.”
November 11, 2019
This was probably the most useful read in navigating co-parenting. Even after being divorced for 3 years now, the content of this book rings true and serves as a great reminder for how to always put the kids first. Would definitely recommend it to anyone who has to co-parent (and Part III for people dating a co-parent).
November 24, 2021
Buy yourself and your co-parent this book!
October 19, 2022
very judgemental
I did not care for this book at all. Pushed their own agendas. Biased. What works for one does not work for all. I actually took offense to some of it.
I did not care for this book at all. Pushed their own agendas. Biased. What works for one does not work for all. I actually took offense to some of it.
August 15, 2023
We will be separating soon and I am reading this with my soon to be co-parent. It offers all the advice and answers I was seeking and brought up questions I didn't even have but now know to consider.
This is not the book for you if you are still suffering from the split, there are others for that and I suggest Conscious Uncoupling. But if you are ready to start thinking about how to be the best parent for your child after the split, I recommend this.
This is not the book for you if you are still suffering from the split, there are others for that and I suggest Conscious Uncoupling. But if you are ready to start thinking about how to be the best parent for your child after the split, I recommend this.
July 20, 2013
I have family members that have gone through divorce and have to decide what to do with the children. It is stressful and daunting. This book has great survival tips for the family.
Want to read
June 10, 2013I received this book for free through Goodreads First Reads.
April 7, 2017
Found it very hopeful yet realistic.
Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews