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A Well-Trained Wife: My Escape from Christian Patriarchy
“Today it hit me when he hit me, blood shaking in my brain. Maybe there wasn’t a savior coming. Maybe it was up to me to save me.”
Recruited into the fundamentalist Quiverfull movement as a young wife, Tia Levings learned that being a good Christian meant following a list of additional life principles—a series of secret, special rules to obey. Being a godly and submissive wife in Christian Patriarchy included strict discipline, isolation, and an alternative lifestyle that appeared wholesome to outsiders. Women were to be silent, “keepers of the home.”
Tia knew that to their neighbors her family was strange, but she also couldn't risk exposing their secret lifestyle to police, doctors, teachers, or anyone outside of their church. Christians were called in scripture to be “in the world, not of it.” So, she hid in plain sight as years of abuse and pain followed. When Tia realized she was the only one who could protect her children from becoming the next generation of patriarchal men and submissive women, she began to resist and question how they lived. But in the patriarchy, a woman with opinions is in danger, and eventually, Tia faced an urgent and extreme stay and face dire consequences, or flee with her children.
Told in a beautiful, honest, and sometimes harrowing voice, A Well-Trained Wife is an unforgettable and timely memoir about a woman's race to save herself and her family and details the ways that extreme views can manifest in a marriage.
Recruited into the fundamentalist Quiverfull movement as a young wife, Tia Levings learned that being a good Christian meant following a list of additional life principles—a series of secret, special rules to obey. Being a godly and submissive wife in Christian Patriarchy included strict discipline, isolation, and an alternative lifestyle that appeared wholesome to outsiders. Women were to be silent, “keepers of the home.”
Tia knew that to their neighbors her family was strange, but she also couldn't risk exposing their secret lifestyle to police, doctors, teachers, or anyone outside of their church. Christians were called in scripture to be “in the world, not of it.” So, she hid in plain sight as years of abuse and pain followed. When Tia realized she was the only one who could protect her children from becoming the next generation of patriarchal men and submissive women, she began to resist and question how they lived. But in the patriarchy, a woman with opinions is in danger, and eventually, Tia faced an urgent and extreme stay and face dire consequences, or flee with her children.
Told in a beautiful, honest, and sometimes harrowing voice, A Well-Trained Wife is an unforgettable and timely memoir about a woman's race to save herself and her family and details the ways that extreme views can manifest in a marriage.
304 pages, Hardcover
First published August 6, 2024
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April 30, 2024
This is an extremely difficult read. I was horrified and angry during the reading of this book, and I’m still angry and horrified. No one should have to go through what Tia Levings did. And yet thousands of women are currently trapped in Christian fundamentalist marriages, and thousands of their children are being raised with the attitudes and beliefs that will perpetuate the cycle of abuse. The girls are taught to submit to males, and the boys are taught to keep the females in line, at *any* cost.
Can a husband rape his wife? Not in the fundamentalist society.
Can a husband beat his wife? Sure—that’s encouraged here!
Can a wife bring up her husband’s abuse to church leaders? Sure, but she better be prepared to hear, “Submit more.”
Is divorce ever on the table, even if the wife and children’s safety is in danger? Never. Don’t you dare bring up the “D” word.
Ms. Levings has made a point to speak out against fundamentalism and to educate about what really goes on behind closed doors. I admire her bravery, resilience and willingness to be extremely vulnerable so that others can hopefully recognize signs of abuse and run the other way. She’s done the work on herself, and it shows. I’m so glad she’s free. ❤️
My thanks to both NetGalley and St. Martin’s Press for a complimentary copy in exchange for my honest feedback.
(Possible spoilers below, but I would want to know the content)
Content warnings: multiple violent rapes, domestic violence, multiple animal deaths and a scene in which an image of graphic pornography is described.
Can a husband rape his wife? Not in the fundamentalist society.
Can a husband beat his wife? Sure—that’s encouraged here!
Can a wife bring up her husband’s abuse to church leaders? Sure, but she better be prepared to hear, “Submit more.”
Is divorce ever on the table, even if the wife and children’s safety is in danger? Never. Don’t you dare bring up the “D” word.
Ms. Levings has made a point to speak out against fundamentalism and to educate about what really goes on behind closed doors. I admire her bravery, resilience and willingness to be extremely vulnerable so that others can hopefully recognize signs of abuse and run the other way. She’s done the work on herself, and it shows. I’m so glad she’s free. ❤️
My thanks to both NetGalley and St. Martin’s Press for a complimentary copy in exchange for my honest feedback.
(Possible spoilers below, but I would want to know the content)
Content warnings: multiple violent rapes, domestic violence, multiple animal deaths and a scene in which an image of graphic pornography is described.
August 9, 2024
I am torn on this one, dear reader. Tia Levings' A Well-Trained Wife is deeply moving. It also contains a fair amount deficiencies which keep it from being a must read without any reservation. As with any memoir, I am not reviewing Levings' life experience as whether it is worth a book because that question is immaterial. Everyone's life story deserves respect, especially when someone like Levings courageously opens up the wounds of a horribly abusive marriage. My review is concerned with how effectively she conveys her experiences to the reader. Let's dive in. Let's start with the bad, but please stick around for the good/great.
The beginning of Levings story is her childhood leading up to her marriage. The final portion of the book is Levings post-divorce and how she connects her experiences to religion and other social movements. In these sections, you can feel that Levings does not have the control over the material that she does in the "marriage" portion of the book. Her childhood seems rushed, and I felt there was a lot glossed over about her family experience growing up. Later, when she tries to speak to the larger Evangelical movement, her observations start to strain past her own personal experience. This leads Levings to flowery word choices and imperfect metaphors/similes that sound like an author trying too hard to paint a picture. She is trying to tell, not show. To be clear, we are talking about 30% of the book taken up by these weaker sections. Now, let's talk about the other 70%.
When Levings writes about her marriage (and the dating phase right before), she displays her talent by showing, not telling. The story of her abusive husband is visceral, compelling, and horrifying. She will still try a little too hard at times with her word choices, but her personal experiences and her ability to present her emotions to the reader left me unable to put the book down. It takes real courage to return to past trauma and admit how hard you were trying to please a terrible human because that's what you have been told is your sole reason for living.
So, do I recommend it? I think this very much depends on whether you feel the deficiencies I described will be too distracting for you to focus on the story.
I'm glad I read it, warts and all.
(This book was provided as an advance copy by Netgalley and St. Martin's Press.)
The beginning of Levings story is her childhood leading up to her marriage. The final portion of the book is Levings post-divorce and how she connects her experiences to religion and other social movements. In these sections, you can feel that Levings does not have the control over the material that she does in the "marriage" portion of the book. Her childhood seems rushed, and I felt there was a lot glossed over about her family experience growing up. Later, when she tries to speak to the larger Evangelical movement, her observations start to strain past her own personal experience. This leads Levings to flowery word choices and imperfect metaphors/similes that sound like an author trying too hard to paint a picture. She is trying to tell, not show. To be clear, we are talking about 30% of the book taken up by these weaker sections. Now, let's talk about the other 70%.
When Levings writes about her marriage (and the dating phase right before), she displays her talent by showing, not telling. The story of her abusive husband is visceral, compelling, and horrifying. She will still try a little too hard at times with her word choices, but her personal experiences and her ability to present her emotions to the reader left me unable to put the book down. It takes real courage to return to past trauma and admit how hard you were trying to please a terrible human because that's what you have been told is your sole reason for living.
So, do I recommend it? I think this very much depends on whether you feel the deficiencies I described will be too distracting for you to focus on the story.
I'm glad I read it, warts and all.
(This book was provided as an advance copy by Netgalley and St. Martin's Press.)
Want to read
August 14, 2024https://tialevings.com/
Written by my good friend and excellent writer, Tia Levings. I lived this journey with her as she fled her abusive marriage. I remember her telling our online women's group that she was in hiding and how frightening it was for everyone, although especially her.
This is the perfect answer to the "tradwife" movement that uses videos and instagram pics to show an idealised version of patriarchy. I'm all for women staying home and having kids if they want to. I was a stay at home homeschooling mom of five. But I did not live in a partriarchal marriage! My husband and I have always been partners without rigidly fix gender roles or male "head of the family" nonsense.
Some people are passing off what happened to Tia (and many other women) as "fringe" or "extremely uncommon," when in fact it's not that fringe. Right now the Republican Vice President nominee, JD Vance, is vocally espousing these very princilples! Project 2025 is the handbook, and Vance is all on board, even writing a glowing foreward for one of the authors of Project 2025. Many other right-wing politicians who are quickly gaining power also espouse these views limiting women's rights and their role in society.
Read Tia's story and understand how far back those that espouse the "tradwife" and patriarchal marriage want to turn our clocks back...all the way back to women not having the right to vote. (They believe in "head of household voting which means only the husbands are allowed to vote.) Think about it.
Written by my good friend and excellent writer, Tia Levings. I lived this journey with her as she fled her abusive marriage. I remember her telling our online women's group that she was in hiding and how frightening it was for everyone, although especially her.
This is the perfect answer to the "tradwife" movement that uses videos and instagram pics to show an idealised version of patriarchy. I'm all for women staying home and having kids if they want to. I was a stay at home homeschooling mom of five. But I did not live in a partriarchal marriage! My husband and I have always been partners without rigidly fix gender roles or male "head of the family" nonsense.
Some people are passing off what happened to Tia (and many other women) as "fringe" or "extremely uncommon," when in fact it's not that fringe. Right now the Republican Vice President nominee, JD Vance, is vocally espousing these very princilples! Project 2025 is the handbook, and Vance is all on board, even writing a glowing foreward for one of the authors of Project 2025. Many other right-wing politicians who are quickly gaining power also espouse these views limiting women's rights and their role in society.
Read Tia's story and understand how far back those that espouse the "tradwife" and patriarchal marriage want to turn our clocks back...all the way back to women not having the right to vote. (They believe in "head of household voting which means only the husbands are allowed to vote.) Think about it.
May 10, 2024
The sub-title for this newly published memoir by Tia Levings should be "My Escape from an Abusive Marriage". The sub-title "my escape from Christian Patriarchy" was chosen as a springboard from her participation in the Amazon documentary Shiny Happy People. I am friends with a number of women who have been divorced from abusive men and I was also married to one for 19 years. What happened to Tia before and during her marriage is not because of "Christian patriarchy", it is because of an abusive man. One church that she and her husband were in seemed to support her husband, but they did not know the full story of her abuse. A pastor and his wife in another church helped her leave, as did a number of other Christians.
I am in a conservative Christian church (PCA Presbyterian) and have personally witnessed our church leadership come alongside to support wives with abusive husbands. This includes supporting the divorce and excommunicating the man. I am familiar with a number of the books and teachings Levings refers to in her book. None of these writers support abuse, although I agree that many of them do not have a sound Biblical basis. I am glad that Levings and her children escaped her abusive husband. I am sad that she lost her Christian faith along the way. For a memoir from someone who left an abusive situation without losing her faith, I recommend "Counting the Cost" by Jill Duggar.
I received a complementary copy from the publisher via NetGalley.
I am in a conservative Christian church (PCA Presbyterian) and have personally witnessed our church leadership come alongside to support wives with abusive husbands. This includes supporting the divorce and excommunicating the man. I am familiar with a number of the books and teachings Levings refers to in her book. None of these writers support abuse, although I agree that many of them do not have a sound Biblical basis. I am glad that Levings and her children escaped her abusive husband. I am sad that she lost her Christian faith along the way. For a memoir from someone who left an abusive situation without losing her faith, I recommend "Counting the Cost" by Jill Duggar.
I received a complementary copy from the publisher via NetGalley.
April 25, 2024
In her memoir 𝘈 𝘞𝘦𝘭𝘭-𝘛𝘳𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘞𝘪𝘧𝘦: 𝘔𝘺 𝘌𝘴𝘤𝘢𝘱𝘦 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘊𝘩𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘢𝘯 𝘗𝘢𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘢𝘳𝘤𝘩𝘺, writer Tia Levings shares in vivid detail her journey from an awkward girl yearning to be accepted in a new town to a young woman seeking out senses of purpose and security in the church and in marriage; a parent struggling to create a safe, nurturing environment for herself and her children despite stifling religious guidelines and a cruel, capricious husband; and finally a trauma survivor and anti-fundamentalist activist. By showing how her agreeable, people-pleasing nature and appreciation for rules and community were taken advantage of by religious leaders and her abuser, she is able to truly show readers the dangers of Christian fundamentalism. But by also depicting frequent inner conflicts due to her desires for knowledge and self-expression and then her family’s successful escape, she presents a story of strength, perseverance, and self-redemption as well.
This is a powerful, well-written autobiography. My only caveat is that sometimes Levings gets too in the weeds when explaining the tenets of different Christian sects, which I felt slowed down the narrative’s momentum. However, if you have an interest in religious studies or fundamentalist churches, this may not be a negative for you.
4.5 stars rounded up. Thank you to St. Martin’s Press and NetGalley for an advance reader copy in exchange for an honest review.
This is a powerful, well-written autobiography. My only caveat is that sometimes Levings gets too in the weeds when explaining the tenets of different Christian sects, which I felt slowed down the narrative’s momentum. However, if you have an interest in religious studies or fundamentalist churches, this may not be a negative for you.
4.5 stars rounded up. Thank you to St. Martin’s Press and NetGalley for an advance reader copy in exchange for an honest review.
June 16, 2024
5++ Stars!
Where do I even begin? I'm a mess after reading this. First of all, thank you Net Galley, Tia Levings, and the publisher for this ARC in exchange for my honest review.
This is such an amazing and important book, but please be careful as it has ALL the trigger warnings. Tia Levings grew up in a fundamentalist evangelical church and married a deeply disturbed abusive man who also kept her and her family in an abusive church that sanctioned "domestic discipline"(?!?!) The depth of rage I felt reading this...and the FEAR I had for Tia and her children... I can't even. I will forever be grateful that Tia escaped and that she wrote this beautiful book. How many works of art will we never get to enjoy because of religious cults creating situations that are completely unsafe for women, queer people, and minorities????
Anyway, Tia is an incredibly talented writer. She is able to convey the mindset that you have when you are in an abusive church or an abusive relationship SO well. For anyone who has ever wondered "Why didn't she just leave"... please read this book! It answers that question without being preachy or judgmental. Tia beautifully explains where she was at, how and when things changed for her, and how she got out.
I also appreciated that this book doesn't end with the escape, but Tia goes on to explain her recovery process which I found really interesting. A lot of good things happened once Tia got out of her abusive marriage, and I was SO happy for her because seriously this woman deserves THE WORLD. But also, recovering from a lifetime of trauma is not easy, and Tia doesn't sugarcoat what she went through (and is, I assume, currently going through) to heal from everything. I also loved that Instagram and social media was part of her healing process- just a part of it, she also had lots of therapy- as I feel like social media also helped me with my trauma.
Overall, this book is incredible. I felt very validated as I saw a lot of similarities between the religious trauma Tia endured and what I went through in the religious cult I was in. And also, I just loved being able to sort of live Tia's story with her, cry with her, and then rejoice in her victory.
Where do I even begin? I'm a mess after reading this. First of all, thank you Net Galley, Tia Levings, and the publisher for this ARC in exchange for my honest review.
This is such an amazing and important book, but please be careful as it has ALL the trigger warnings. Tia Levings grew up in a fundamentalist evangelical church and married a deeply disturbed abusive man who also kept her and her family in an abusive church that sanctioned "domestic discipline"(?!?!) The depth of rage I felt reading this...and the FEAR I had for Tia and her children... I can't even. I will forever be grateful that Tia escaped and that she wrote this beautiful book. How many works of art will we never get to enjoy because of religious cults creating situations that are completely unsafe for women, queer people, and minorities????
Anyway, Tia is an incredibly talented writer. She is able to convey the mindset that you have when you are in an abusive church or an abusive relationship SO well. For anyone who has ever wondered "Why didn't she just leave"... please read this book! It answers that question without being preachy or judgmental. Tia beautifully explains where she was at, how and when things changed for her, and how she got out.
I also appreciated that this book doesn't end with the escape, but Tia goes on to explain her recovery process which I found really interesting. A lot of good things happened once Tia got out of her abusive marriage, and I was SO happy for her because seriously this woman deserves THE WORLD. But also, recovering from a lifetime of trauma is not easy, and Tia doesn't sugarcoat what she went through (and is, I assume, currently going through) to heal from everything. I also loved that Instagram and social media was part of her healing process- just a part of it, she also had lots of therapy- as I feel like social media also helped me with my trauma.
Overall, this book is incredible. I felt very validated as I saw a lot of similarities between the religious trauma Tia endured and what I went through in the religious cult I was in. And also, I just loved being able to sort of live Tia's story with her, cry with her, and then rejoice in her victory.
August 19, 2024
This was a harrowing read. I can't say I liked it, nor that it was brilliant, but I think it is well done and definitely achieves its critical purpose.
Full Review:
Thank you to the author Tia Leving, publishers St. Martin's Press, and NetGalley for an advance digital copy of A WELL-TRAINED WIFE. All views are mine.
I could clean, plan , and come on command, but I couldn’t make myself feel happy. p151
[Submission] is not a cage. It’s a vacuum. As you give, the container squeezes harder, removing all air. p157
Some books are so important they don't even have to be good. This book is good, but not great, and yet I've given it five stars because I think the work is extremely important. Abuse narratives are always important because they expose the patriarchy; this story is even more critical than usual because of how important and powerful the particular branch of patriarchy was who abuse her. The Evangelical Christian Church.
"Your children will direct all their anger at him toward you, because you are here and safe and they can trust you not to leave when they get emotional....” ...[There] wasn’t a healthy way to hold absent men responsible for their own reputations. Somehow, I had to spread my arms wider and hold it all. p249
Three (or more) things I loved:
1. I think this book does a really good job of showing what it's like to be in a cult, the psychological hell that it is. Faith turns into fear, turns into rage. “Where’s your new baby?” “She’s dead.” “Oh, I’m so sorry, honey . . . I guess sometimes God needs a new rose for his garden.” Fuck God and his garden of dead babies. ...Worse than the cashier was the procession of sad Christians who didn’t know what to say with their cream-of-crap casseroles. p129
2. Such a fascinating topical intersection, I'm pleased she was able to make so much space for this in this book. It astonished me to see that men who venerated women, instead of relegating them to merely functional vessels to be filled and fucked and fiddled with, were different kinds of men. Father Stephen didn’t speak of women as if they were objects. They were important enough to name. They had identities and faces, stories and sometimes, voices. p201
3. There are detailed and numerous descriptions of cruelty to animals and animal suffering in this book. I would have appreciated a content warning, but I would have been okay if there hadn't been a scene which mindlessly prejudices feral cats as being diseased, and then describes the innocent animals equally mindless murder.
Three (or less) things I didn't love:
This section isn't only for criticisms. It's merely for items that I felt something for other than "love" or some interpretation thereof.
1. God did kill mothers. He was in control, not us. If I didn’t submit, he’d teach me a lesson too. I knew now God could take anyone, at any time, and I didn’t want to lose my family. A year later, I didn’t have stomachaches only on Sundays— I had them every day. Loc. 174
2. I'm surprised how personal the narrative is, I guess. What I like about THE EXVANGELICALS for example is the mixture of personal narrative, religious commentary, and religious background or history. This narrative, on the other hand, is told primarily using the author's memories for the timeline.
3. The dangers of premarital SEX included pregnancy and GONGA-RHEA. p35 I mean...I feel like I'm being punked. My assisting reader couldn't pronounce this mutilation of gonorrhea, so I had to peer through my perpetual blur to see GONGA-RHEA. I can't figure out, with the way this is written, if this is what the author's virginal ears first heard? Is this what her miseducating elders actually said it was? Is she being hyperbolic to reflect her elders' general attitudes about basic sexual science? I can't tell, and that's on the author, who really has a responsibility to write clearly because she is writing about such an important topic.
4. A concerned mother could find a wisdom booklet to match any burning concern she had for her family. p100 Disconcerting that parents wouldn't parent, but would rather funnel this doctrine through to their children.
5. Look, I'm not questioning this author's experience, but good doctors don't diagnose MS off of symptoms or a single visit. Her doctors apparently said there wasn't a test for MS, and there is no one single test. There are like ten, and they run all of them over a great deal of time. And still, it can be very difficult to diagnose MS. Beyond all that, I'm so glad the author found answers and solutions for her condition!
Rating: 🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀 /5 of God's roses
Recommend? Yes!
Finished: Aug 15 '24
Format: Digital arc, Kindle, NetGalley
Read this book if you like:
👤 memoirs
🕊 cult escape stories
💇♀️ women's coming of age
🌤 redemption stories
👨👩👦👦 family stories/drama
Full Review:
Thank you to the author Tia Leving, publishers St. Martin's Press, and NetGalley for an advance digital copy of A WELL-TRAINED WIFE. All views are mine.
I could clean, plan , and come on command, but I couldn’t make myself feel happy. p151
[Submission] is not a cage. It’s a vacuum. As you give, the container squeezes harder, removing all air. p157
Some books are so important they don't even have to be good. This book is good, but not great, and yet I've given it five stars because I think the work is extremely important. Abuse narratives are always important because they expose the patriarchy; this story is even more critical than usual because of how important and powerful the particular branch of patriarchy was who abuse her. The Evangelical Christian Church.
"Your children will direct all their anger at him toward you, because you are here and safe and they can trust you not to leave when they get emotional....” ...[There] wasn’t a healthy way to hold absent men responsible for their own reputations. Somehow, I had to spread my arms wider and hold it all. p249
Three (or more) things I loved:
1. I think this book does a really good job of showing what it's like to be in a cult, the psychological hell that it is. Faith turns into fear, turns into rage. “Where’s your new baby?” “She’s dead.” “Oh, I’m so sorry, honey . . . I guess sometimes God needs a new rose for his garden.” Fuck God and his garden of dead babies. ...Worse than the cashier was the procession of sad Christians who didn’t know what to say with their cream-of-crap casseroles. p129
2. Such a fascinating topical intersection, I'm pleased she was able to make so much space for this in this book. It astonished me to see that men who venerated women, instead of relegating them to merely functional vessels to be filled and fucked and fiddled with, were different kinds of men. Father Stephen didn’t speak of women as if they were objects. They were important enough to name. They had identities and faces, stories and sometimes, voices. p201
3. There are detailed and numerous descriptions of cruelty to animals and animal suffering in this book. I would have appreciated a content warning, but I would have been okay if there hadn't been a scene which mindlessly prejudices feral cats as being diseased, and then describes the innocent animals equally mindless murder.
Three (or less) things I didn't love:
This section isn't only for criticisms. It's merely for items that I felt something for other than "love" or some interpretation thereof.
1. God did kill mothers. He was in control, not us. If I didn’t submit, he’d teach me a lesson too. I knew now God could take anyone, at any time, and I didn’t want to lose my family. A year later, I didn’t have stomachaches only on Sundays— I had them every day. Loc. 174
2. I'm surprised how personal the narrative is, I guess. What I like about THE EXVANGELICALS for example is the mixture of personal narrative, religious commentary, and religious background or history. This narrative, on the other hand, is told primarily using the author's memories for the timeline.
3. The dangers of premarital SEX included pregnancy and GONGA-RHEA. p35 I mean...I feel like I'm being punked. My assisting reader couldn't pronounce this mutilation of gonorrhea, so I had to peer through my perpetual blur to see GONGA-RHEA. I can't figure out, with the way this is written, if this is what the author's virginal ears first heard? Is this what her miseducating elders actually said it was? Is she being hyperbolic to reflect her elders' general attitudes about basic sexual science? I can't tell, and that's on the author, who really has a responsibility to write clearly because she is writing about such an important topic.
4. A concerned mother could find a wisdom booklet to match any burning concern she had for her family. p100 Disconcerting that parents wouldn't parent, but would rather funnel this doctrine through to their children.
5. Look, I'm not questioning this author's experience, but good doctors don't diagnose MS off of symptoms or a single visit. Her doctors apparently said there wasn't a test for MS, and there is no one single test. There are like ten, and they run all of them over a great deal of time. And still, it can be very difficult to diagnose MS. Beyond all that, I'm so glad the author found answers and solutions for her condition!
Rating: 🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀 /5 of God's roses
Recommend? Yes!
Finished: Aug 15 '24
Format: Digital arc, Kindle, NetGalley
Read this book if you like:
👤 memoirs
🕊 cult escape stories
💇♀️ women's coming of age
🌤 redemption stories
👨👩👦👦 family stories/drama
August 13, 2024
As others have said, my rating is not rating the content itself, as no one can rate someone's life. Rather it's rating the writing style and a little bit my own pet peeves.
This book follows Tia through her childhood in purity culture via an evangelical church, and young marriage and life with a man (nicknamed "Psycho Eyes" by his Navy buddies) so determined to Get It Right that he drags her through cult after cult. There were many moments in the book that were heartbreaking. I had heard her talk on a podcast I listen to, so I knew some of what was to come, but not all of it.
To me, there were 2 main flaws - 1 flaw I think is universal, and the other is specifically due to me being a trauma psychologist and would probably not bother anyone else. First (and it took me a bit to realize this) she writes much of the book in TWO voices - the voice of her, the writer, looking back on the situation, AND the voice of the Tia living in the situation however many years ago. So for example in the same chapter she will make a remark about "telling stories of old men marrying little girls" (pretty obviously current Tia) and also will misspell gonorrhea to show how little she understood about sex as a teenager. But that ultimately leaves much of the book feeling disorienting. Oh, she's dissing sleep training - is that how she felt then, how she feels now, or both? OH, she is anti-vaxx - uh, was that back then, how she feels now, or both? Because she simultaneously uses both voices, it is often hard to know who is talking at any given moment.
The second is that once we get to her healing process, it got very Fad Therapy Lingo-y, which is not her fault, it’s her therapist’s fault. There was a LOT she was told, that she imparts in this book as Scientific Truth (why wouldn’t she? It’s not her job to know) that’s either 100% debunked or hasn’t actually been studied yet or so clearly came from that fad PESI training her therapist did or whatever. And it made it so hard to concentrate on anything personal or meaningful she was saying because I was so irritated at the Fad Therapy Lingo. So I can't speak to how most people will feel during this part of her book, or how emotionally engaging it is, or how effectively it is expressed, because I was too focused on other aspects of those chapters. (Please don't interpret this as me not being happy that she felt therapy was helpful and she feels she has healed - I am glad. It's just that when this is your career you see the individual successes and the bigger picture failures of how we as mental health providers are - and aren't - being held accountable for what we do in the therapy room and that isn't easily separated.)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway, Tia Levings has been making the rounds of cult podcasts so if you are in that world, you've probably heard of her. It's definitely a book worth reading, and if you're not a trauma psychologist you probably won't mind the last section of the book the way I do.
This book follows Tia through her childhood in purity culture via an evangelical church, and young marriage and life with a man (nicknamed "Psycho Eyes" by his Navy buddies) so determined to Get It Right that he drags her through cult after cult. There were many moments in the book that were heartbreaking. I had heard her talk on a podcast I listen to, so I knew some of what was to come, but not all of it.
To me, there were 2 main flaws - 1 flaw I think is universal, and the other is specifically due to me being a trauma psychologist and would probably not bother anyone else. First (and it took me a bit to realize this) she writes much of the book in TWO voices - the voice of her, the writer, looking back on the situation, AND the voice of the Tia living in the situation however many years ago. So for example in the same chapter she will make a remark about "telling stories of old men marrying little girls" (pretty obviously current Tia) and also will misspell gonorrhea to show how little she understood about sex as a teenager. But that ultimately leaves much of the book feeling disorienting. Oh, she's dissing sleep training - is that how she felt then, how she feels now, or both? OH, she is anti-vaxx - uh, was that back then, how she feels now, or both? Because she simultaneously uses both voices, it is often hard to know who is talking at any given moment.
The second is that once we get to her healing process, it got very Fad Therapy Lingo-y, which is not her fault, it’s her therapist’s fault. There was a LOT she was told, that she imparts in this book as Scientific Truth (why wouldn’t she? It’s not her job to know) that’s either 100% debunked or hasn’t actually been studied yet or so clearly came from that fad PESI training her therapist did or whatever. And it made it so hard to concentrate on anything personal or meaningful she was saying because I was so irritated at the Fad Therapy Lingo. So I can't speak to how most people will feel during this part of her book, or how emotionally engaging it is, or how effectively it is expressed, because I was too focused on other aspects of those chapters. (Please don't interpret this as me not being happy that she felt therapy was helpful and she feels she has healed - I am glad. It's just that when this is your career you see the individual successes and the bigger picture failures of how we as mental health providers are - and aren't - being held accountable for what we do in the therapy room and that isn't easily separated.)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway, Tia Levings has been making the rounds of cult podcasts so if you are in that world, you've probably heard of her. It's definitely a book worth reading, and if you're not a trauma psychologist you probably won't mind the last section of the book the way I do.
May 9, 2024
My horrified fascination with cults and high-control religious groups began early in my adult life and continues to this day. Name a memoir written by a survivor of religious trauma and/or abuse and the odds are good that I’ve read it. So when I learned that Tia Levings, an incredibly brave woman whose story featured heavily throughout the Amazon Prime documentary Shiny Happy People, was coming out with a book, I smashed that want-to-read button on Goodreads so quickly and so hard, I’m surprised my phone screen didn’t shatter. And when that book, A Well-Trained Wife: My Escape from Christian Patriarchy (St Martin’s Press, 2024), was offered up for review on NetGalley, I went running. I knew this book was going to be incredible.
And I was not disappointed.
But I was shaken. Deeply. It’s that kind of book.
Several times, I had to put my kindle down and take a few deep breaths. Several more times, I had to pull out the tissues, and during one moment, I needed to stop and hug my daughter (still crying, of course).
Before I get into the meat of this review, please know that while this is an utterly amazing memoir that deserves to be read far and wide, it’s intense. It’s a LOT. It’s probably the heaviest escape memoir I’ve ever read, and I don’t say this lightly, because survivor stories are always heavy with the pain and trauma they’ve suffered at the hands of their cult. That said, Tia Levings' writing is raw; she doesn't hold back on walking her readers through her trauma and letting them know that this isn’t just her story. This is the story of a lot of women who have gotten pulled into fundamentalism.
This memoir revolves around themes of abuse (spiritual and religious, physical, emotional, and sexual), Christian fundamentalism, domestic violence, misogyny, Christian patriarchy, fear, shame, fear of hell and loss of salvation, female submission, control, isolation, Christian Dominionism, Christian nationalism, Christian domestic discipline, quiverfull theology, ATI and Bill Gothard, Reform and Calvinist theology, repeat pregnancies, rape, painful sexual encounters, severe medical events, death of an infant, grief, diminishment and loss of self, dissociation, and mental illness. Take care of yourself when you read this book. It’s incredible the entire way through, but even if you’re not a survivor of religious abuse and trauma like Ms. Levings, there are potentially triggering topics on every page. Survivors will see a reflection of the nightmares they lived through; non-survivors will be shocked and appalled at the devastation wreaked upon women and children in the name of God.
It was a family move to Florida, followed by her family’s eventual involvement with a Baptist megachurch, that set Tia Levings down a twisted path of Christian fundamentalism, patriarchy, and female submission. Due to a combination of heavy church influence and lack of family finances, Tia walked away from the idea of college (too worldly for Christian girls like her, anyway) and instead waited for God to send her a husband. And a husband was indeed sent - though by whom, I'm not sure - in the form of Allan, a Christian Air Force veteran who began abusing Tia even before they became engaged. But with the ideas of female submission and forgiveness firmly planted in Tia’s mind, she went along with what she’d been taught and married Allan anyway. It’s what a good Christian girl does.
Her long-anticipated wedding night was terrible, sounding like something straight out of Debi Pearl’s account of her own honeymoon (if you’re not familiar with the story, you can Google it, but I’m warning you, it’s horrific, and beware, because she and her awful husband are still some of the louder voices in this harmful patriarchal movement), and life only spiraled downward from there. “It’s my job to teach you what we believe,” Tia’s husband informed her. Another friend shamed her by telling her, “If you’re feeling personal ambition, Tia, you need to repent and ask Jesus to help you die to yourself.” It’s no wonder that she slowly began to feel like she was vanishing from her own life, using dissociation as a coping mechanism and losing large chunks of time as baby after baby joined their family.
Fundamentalist Christianity uses severe control tactics in order to keep women cowering and keep the men in charge, and this is evident in every sentence of this book. I scrawled down horrifying quote after horrifying quote in my notebook as I paged furiously through my kindle copy: “You disgust me with your opinions and individualism.” “The elders feel that women getting together is dangerous, because of our propensity to stray from spiritual topics into gossip when unattended by a head of household.” And, most chilling and stomach-turning of all, this quote, uttered by the husband of the woman in question: “Well, it’s time we should be getting home. Mommy’s getting a spanking.” And for context, the mother being referred to here was both pregnant and nursing at the time. And this wasn’t said in jest. This adult woman was going to be forcefully spanked like a child, as punishment, by her husband, upon returning to their house. This is an aspect of fundamentalism that Ms. Levings experienced as well. I nearly lost my lunch while reading the scenes that dealt with Christian domestic discipline.
Tia and her children eventually do make it out, but only barely, and the long-term effects ripple on today. Her story is told in such a way that you can feel her isolation, the mind-numbing boringness of it all, her desperation to give her kids the best life possible in the midst of all of this, her desire for more. And yet, her survival tactics of denial and downplaying make complete sense in the context of her religious indoctrination; this memoir is the best I’ve ever read at explaining the hows and whys of indoctrination and its effect on decision-making and survival.
This book is going to make some waves. Not just among survivor communities, but also among the general public. Because at the heart of it, this book, along with Tia Levings’ vibrant social media presence, serves as a warning: THIS is how Christian fundamentalists and nationalists want us all to live. All the abuse, the pain, the isolation that she suffered, this is the reality that people on the far right are trying to craft for everyone in the country. Learn it, recognize it, and join the fight against it.
If I could give this book more than five stars, I would. This is one of those books that I think no amount of words could ever do justice to in a review. It’s powerful, it’s masterful, it will shake you to your very core. Read this, but take care of yourself while you do. It’s not an easy read. Read it, then tell everyone you know about it so that they read it too, and are aware of how devastating patriarchal fundamentalist Christianity can be.
If you’re a survivor of religious trauma and/or spiritual abuse and are in need of support, please visit The Vashti Initiative at https://vashtiinitiative.org/. We’re here for you.
Huge thanks to NetGalley, Tia Levings, and St Martin’s Press for providing me with an early copy for review.
And I was not disappointed.
But I was shaken. Deeply. It’s that kind of book.
Several times, I had to put my kindle down and take a few deep breaths. Several more times, I had to pull out the tissues, and during one moment, I needed to stop and hug my daughter (still crying, of course).
Before I get into the meat of this review, please know that while this is an utterly amazing memoir that deserves to be read far and wide, it’s intense. It’s a LOT. It’s probably the heaviest escape memoir I’ve ever read, and I don’t say this lightly, because survivor stories are always heavy with the pain and trauma they’ve suffered at the hands of their cult. That said, Tia Levings' writing is raw; she doesn't hold back on walking her readers through her trauma and letting them know that this isn’t just her story. This is the story of a lot of women who have gotten pulled into fundamentalism.
This memoir revolves around themes of abuse (spiritual and religious, physical, emotional, and sexual), Christian fundamentalism, domestic violence, misogyny, Christian patriarchy, fear, shame, fear of hell and loss of salvation, female submission, control, isolation, Christian Dominionism, Christian nationalism, Christian domestic discipline, quiverfull theology, ATI and Bill Gothard, Reform and Calvinist theology, repeat pregnancies, rape, painful sexual encounters, severe medical events, death of an infant, grief, diminishment and loss of self, dissociation, and mental illness. Take care of yourself when you read this book. It’s incredible the entire way through, but even if you’re not a survivor of religious abuse and trauma like Ms. Levings, there are potentially triggering topics on every page. Survivors will see a reflection of the nightmares they lived through; non-survivors will be shocked and appalled at the devastation wreaked upon women and children in the name of God.
It was a family move to Florida, followed by her family’s eventual involvement with a Baptist megachurch, that set Tia Levings down a twisted path of Christian fundamentalism, patriarchy, and female submission. Due to a combination of heavy church influence and lack of family finances, Tia walked away from the idea of college (too worldly for Christian girls like her, anyway) and instead waited for God to send her a husband. And a husband was indeed sent - though by whom, I'm not sure - in the form of Allan, a Christian Air Force veteran who began abusing Tia even before they became engaged. But with the ideas of female submission and forgiveness firmly planted in Tia’s mind, she went along with what she’d been taught and married Allan anyway. It’s what a good Christian girl does.
Her long-anticipated wedding night was terrible, sounding like something straight out of Debi Pearl’s account of her own honeymoon (if you’re not familiar with the story, you can Google it, but I’m warning you, it’s horrific, and beware, because she and her awful husband are still some of the louder voices in this harmful patriarchal movement), and life only spiraled downward from there. “It’s my job to teach you what we believe,” Tia’s husband informed her. Another friend shamed her by telling her, “If you’re feeling personal ambition, Tia, you need to repent and ask Jesus to help you die to yourself.” It’s no wonder that she slowly began to feel like she was vanishing from her own life, using dissociation as a coping mechanism and losing large chunks of time as baby after baby joined their family.
Fundamentalist Christianity uses severe control tactics in order to keep women cowering and keep the men in charge, and this is evident in every sentence of this book. I scrawled down horrifying quote after horrifying quote in my notebook as I paged furiously through my kindle copy: “You disgust me with your opinions and individualism.” “The elders feel that women getting together is dangerous, because of our propensity to stray from spiritual topics into gossip when unattended by a head of household.” And, most chilling and stomach-turning of all, this quote, uttered by the husband of the woman in question: “Well, it’s time we should be getting home. Mommy’s getting a spanking.” And for context, the mother being referred to here was both pregnant and nursing at the time. And this wasn’t said in jest. This adult woman was going to be forcefully spanked like a child, as punishment, by her husband, upon returning to their house. This is an aspect of fundamentalism that Ms. Levings experienced as well. I nearly lost my lunch while reading the scenes that dealt with Christian domestic discipline.
Tia and her children eventually do make it out, but only barely, and the long-term effects ripple on today. Her story is told in such a way that you can feel her isolation, the mind-numbing boringness of it all, her desperation to give her kids the best life possible in the midst of all of this, her desire for more. And yet, her survival tactics of denial and downplaying make complete sense in the context of her religious indoctrination; this memoir is the best I’ve ever read at explaining the hows and whys of indoctrination and its effect on decision-making and survival.
This book is going to make some waves. Not just among survivor communities, but also among the general public. Because at the heart of it, this book, along with Tia Levings’ vibrant social media presence, serves as a warning: THIS is how Christian fundamentalists and nationalists want us all to live. All the abuse, the pain, the isolation that she suffered, this is the reality that people on the far right are trying to craft for everyone in the country. Learn it, recognize it, and join the fight against it.
If I could give this book more than five stars, I would. This is one of those books that I think no amount of words could ever do justice to in a review. It’s powerful, it’s masterful, it will shake you to your very core. Read this, but take care of yourself while you do. It’s not an easy read. Read it, then tell everyone you know about it so that they read it too, and are aware of how devastating patriarchal fundamentalist Christianity can be.
If you’re a survivor of religious trauma and/or spiritual abuse and are in need of support, please visit The Vashti Initiative at https://vashtiinitiative.org/. We’re here for you.
Huge thanks to NetGalley, Tia Levings, and St Martin’s Press for providing me with an early copy for review.
June 24, 2024
Wow! What a courageous and brave woman. I couldn’t put this down and had to constantly remind myself this isn’t fiction—This happened to her and is happening to many others like her right now.
With the far right pushing their conservative Christian views on all of us by any means and “trad wives” being a “trend” right now, this book is all the more important. Let it be the warning bell that patriarchy is a virus.
Her story is also an achingly honest and accurate portrayal of living in an abusive relationship and surviving with PTSD
With the far right pushing their conservative Christian views on all of us by any means and “trad wives” being a “trend” right now, this book is all the more important. Let it be the warning bell that patriarchy is a virus.
Her story is also an achingly honest and accurate portrayal of living in an abusive relationship and surviving with PTSD
December 17, 2023
In this memoir author Tia Levings writes about her experience growing up as a Christian fundamentalist which included church-sanctioned abuse by her then husband. She writes about having to respond to him as *yes, my Lord* when told what to do by him and physical discipline by him which including spanking her. Yes, you read that right. Spanking by a husband to keep a wife in line. Tia is a highly intelligent woman and like many women who are abused was forced to compartmentalize her life in order to mentally survive. A small spark inside of her knew that this religious rigidity was beyond the pale and that small spark turned out to be her saving grace. Readers will read passages and will probably find it difficult to believe that this type of cruelty not only exists but is sanctioned. E.g. Blanket training is where an infant or toddler is required to remain on a blanket for a limited period of time, with a few selected toys. When the child moves to leave the blanket, parents are instructed to hit the child with a flexible ruler, glue stick, or another similar object.
I found myself cheering on the author and feel others will do the same.
Viewers who enjoyed the documentary Shiny, Happy People will be drawn to this memoir.
*I read an advance copy and was not compensated.
I found myself cheering on the author and feel others will do the same.
Viewers who enjoyed the documentary Shiny, Happy People will be drawn to this memoir.
*I read an advance copy and was not compensated.
August 16, 2024
Reading this book made me feel shocked and furious. I had to put Tia's beautiful book down a few times to take deep breaths because I was crying so much.
Tia Levings was raised in a fundamentalist Christian religion where wives submit to their husbands and do not question their choices. She talks about growing up in a very restrictive environment and how she eventually worked up the guts to escape her abusive marriage and town in pursuit of equality. She explains the harmful doctrines of patriarchy and demonstrates the unsettling ways in which they have crept into our culture and the church.
I'm amazed by Levings's strength and insight; this was an amazing book. Despite everything that she has been through, she remains kind, loving, and optimistic.
The story was written in an amazing way. I have nothing but praise for this book. Though I believe many people should read it, this book should be tackled cautiously due to its sensitive subjects.
Tia Levings was raised in a fundamentalist Christian religion where wives submit to their husbands and do not question their choices. She talks about growing up in a very restrictive environment and how she eventually worked up the guts to escape her abusive marriage and town in pursuit of equality. She explains the harmful doctrines of patriarchy and demonstrates the unsettling ways in which they have crept into our culture and the church.
I'm amazed by Levings's strength and insight; this was an amazing book. Despite everything that she has been through, she remains kind, loving, and optimistic.
The story was written in an amazing way. I have nothing but praise for this book. Though I believe many people should read it, this book should be tackled cautiously due to its sensitive subjects.
July 26, 2024
I am going to be honest, this book broke me inside.
I grew up Episcopalian, in a major city, under the influence of acceptance and love for our communities, but I have ALWAYS been fascinated with the chokehold that Christian Fundamentalism has on so many in America. It's so hard as someone who grew up going to a mainstream church to understand how so many women not only JOIN Christian Fundamentalist cults (yes, they are harmful cults disguised as religion), but STAY in them, all while practicing and preaching ideas that go against Christianity in every way. This book is such a great insight to how people fall into this world, how they are manipulated and emotionally destroyed to stay.
Tia Levings' book is emotional. It is HEART WRENCHING. It is so, so needed in the America of today, where so many leaders in this world are bought and paid for by the Fundamentalist cult machine. To watch her struggle to fit herself in a world where she was nothing more than a utensil for man's power, to hide herself and her true personality for survival, to somehow ESCAPE from this world? Unbelievable.
A Well-Trained Wife is a good preview of the world under Project 2025 and the current GOP agenda. Where so many men in power would like to expand their influence and destroy the will of 50% of the population and their own children. It is a must-read for anyone who does not see the harm that Christian Fundamentalism ultimately does to society.
Tia Levings is so brave. So, so brave.
Honestly, I need to go touch grass for a bit and hug my babies tight.
I received an advance review copy for free from NetGalley, and I am leaving this review voluntarily. Honestly though, I would give this 1000 stars if I could, and plan to buy this book physically when it comes out.
I grew up Episcopalian, in a major city, under the influence of acceptance and love for our communities, but I have ALWAYS been fascinated with the chokehold that Christian Fundamentalism has on so many in America. It's so hard as someone who grew up going to a mainstream church to understand how so many women not only JOIN Christian Fundamentalist cults (yes, they are harmful cults disguised as religion), but STAY in them, all while practicing and preaching ideas that go against Christianity in every way. This book is such a great insight to how people fall into this world, how they are manipulated and emotionally destroyed to stay.
Tia Levings' book is emotional. It is HEART WRENCHING. It is so, so needed in the America of today, where so many leaders in this world are bought and paid for by the Fundamentalist cult machine. To watch her struggle to fit herself in a world where she was nothing more than a utensil for man's power, to hide herself and her true personality for survival, to somehow ESCAPE from this world? Unbelievable.
A Well-Trained Wife is a good preview of the world under Project 2025 and the current GOP agenda. Where so many men in power would like to expand their influence and destroy the will of 50% of the population and their own children. It is a must-read for anyone who does not see the harm that Christian Fundamentalism ultimately does to society.
Tia Levings is so brave. So, so brave.
Honestly, I need to go touch grass for a bit and hug my babies tight.
I received an advance review copy for free from NetGalley, and I am leaving this review voluntarily. Honestly though, I would give this 1000 stars if I could, and plan to buy this book physically when it comes out.
August 6, 2024
Thank you Macmillan Audio for my gifted review copy.
I have not stopped thinking about this book since I read it. First of all, as soon as I started listening, I could not stop. Yardwork, dishes, errands, this book came with me.
I would often turn to my husband and gasp, like I cannot believe this is happening. Let me tell you this anecdote from the story.
I went through all the emotions while reading it. Anger, resentment, rage, sadness, empathy, happiness - all the emotions!
Tia is such an incredibly talented writer. Loved hearing her story. I know she was very brave and vulnerable to share everything she has gone through with all of us.
I learned a lot while reading this book. Our political climate is such a hot bed for issues, but the rise in, Christian nationalism is something that I believe everyone is unable to ignore. For me, I appreciated having a bit of an inside look into what some of these churches teach, what they honor and what they expect from not only women are also children and men.
This is a must read for 2024 - no doubt.
I have not stopped thinking about this book since I read it. First of all, as soon as I started listening, I could not stop. Yardwork, dishes, errands, this book came with me.
I would often turn to my husband and gasp, like I cannot believe this is happening. Let me tell you this anecdote from the story.
I went through all the emotions while reading it. Anger, resentment, rage, sadness, empathy, happiness - all the emotions!
Tia is such an incredibly talented writer. Loved hearing her story. I know she was very brave and vulnerable to share everything she has gone through with all of us.
I learned a lot while reading this book. Our political climate is such a hot bed for issues, but the rise in, Christian nationalism is something that I believe everyone is unable to ignore. For me, I appreciated having a bit of an inside look into what some of these churches teach, what they honor and what they expect from not only women are also children and men.
This is a must read for 2024 - no doubt.
August 21, 2024
I couldn't stop reading this memoir; I practically swallowed it. I’m shocked sick some women live like this. It’s not fictional?!
No. Sadly, even my own experiences ensure it’s as real as the fact we are now breathing. Some men are like Tia’s husband—and they marry more often than not.
Tia unknowingly married an abuser, thinking that’s what good women do. Good women go for men who don't have things together: the ones who are poverty-stricken, wounded, and unstable. Standards make women cruel—don’t these men deserve love, too?
If you've read this book, you know the answer is no—a screamingly strong NO. Those men cannot be fixed even if their hearts are flooded with the abundance of love and support. Women. Are. Not. Men’s. Rehabilitation. Centers.
I admire the author's writing. I did not give this book 5 stars only because I keep this rating for life-changing works. Thankfully, the book didn't need to change my life. I always found men’s words meaningless if they weren't proved with actions straight away.
No. Sadly, even my own experiences ensure it’s as real as the fact we are now breathing. Some men are like Tia’s husband—and they marry more often than not.
Tia unknowingly married an abuser, thinking that’s what good women do. Good women go for men who don't have things together: the ones who are poverty-stricken, wounded, and unstable. Standards make women cruel—don’t these men deserve love, too?
If you've read this book, you know the answer is no—a screamingly strong NO. Those men cannot be fixed even if their hearts are flooded with the abundance of love and support. Women. Are. Not. Men’s. Rehabilitation. Centers.
I admire the author's writing. I did not give this book 5 stars only because I keep this rating for life-changing works. Thankfully, the book didn't need to change my life. I always found men’s words meaningless if they weren't proved with actions straight away.
August 1, 2024
Although well written and horrifying, I wish she would have left out the word, “Christian.”Fundamentalist insanity is more like it. So much in the media today giving a false impression and description of true Christianity. Christianity also says the husband is to love his wife and give his life up for her. This book shows how one scripture taken completely out of context and then throwing out all other references in the Bible about loving one another, sacrifice , etc all thrown out. This is the same thing happening with Islam. A few extremists can ruin the world’s view of most anything today.
August 19, 2024
A truly horrifying masterpiece. I didn’t grow up in IBLP but as a Christian within an abusive household and felt so seen while completely horrified at anyone having to experience anything of the like. It’s clear Tia Levings is not only an advocate with a haunting story but a true artist and beautiful writer. Highly recommend to anyone who has been in a cult or interested in the teachings and abuses that stem from them.
July 13, 2024
This is a memoir about a woman living in and eventually leaving evangelical Christianity. I followed a lot of the Christian "mommy blogs" back in their heydey in the early aughts as someone who found the whole phenomenon vaguely amusing while also not believing that these women's lives were being portrayed accurately. Turns out that I was both right and wrong: Tia states that one of her biggest jobs was keeping the image of her family clean, so a lot of the squeaky clean image was a veneer. But some things I thought were completely made up - like Biblical Discipline, where husbands would consensually spank their wives for disobedience and then afterward show them they still loved and appreciated them by making love - actually happened. I remember reading about it and thinking it must just have been an excuse to have some kinky sex, but apparently I was wrong.
The main point I took from this: Tia didn't start in a fundamentalist church, "just" an evangelical one, but the teachings in her more "moderate" church primed her to accept more and more extreme practices. This is an unflinching book, meaning that there are graphic depictions of SA and DV. I listened to this one, and the audiobook is read by the author. Her reading is more matter-of-fact than dramatic, but that serves to underscore the mundanity of her abuse rather than detract from its horror.
This objective review is based on a complimentary audiobook.
The main point I took from this: Tia didn't start in a fundamentalist church, "just" an evangelical one, but the teachings in her more "moderate" church primed her to accept more and more extreme practices. This is an unflinching book, meaning that there are graphic depictions of SA and DV. I listened to this one, and the audiobook is read by the author. Her reading is more matter-of-fact than dramatic, but that serves to underscore the mundanity of her abuse rather than detract from its horror.
This objective review is based on a complimentary audiobook.
August 22, 2024
Tia was raised to be a good Christian which meant being raised to be a good wife—one who submits to her husband—blaming herself for the wrong-doings of many Christian men.
Levings lays it all out in this memoir. I was often baffled but never surprised by the ways her Christian upbringing groomed her for the role of perfect, submissive wife. She brings readers through her childhood at the church, through her confusing teenage years, and in to early adulthood where she continued to follow the church’s teachings but grew ever more skeptical. As she was taught, she married young to an angry, Christian man who promised to “train” her properly. The relationship is toxic and abusive from the start and Levings peels back the curtain to let readers see it all.
“Maybe there wasn’t a savior coming. It was up to me to save me.”
This memoir is unflinchingly honest and often times, it was difficult to listen to. Trigger warnings for domestic abuse and marital rape (which apparently isn’t a thing, by the way). It’s a powerful story that is guaranteed to infuriate and move readers. While Levings’s story is full of moments to rage against, she includes her escape from her marriage, her recovery, and her reinvention of her life which was a nice note to end on.
I appreciated Levings as the narrator because I always enjoy when authors read their own stories.
Thank you Macmillan Audio and NetGalley for the audiobook in exchange for an honest review. Available 08/06/2024!
Levings lays it all out in this memoir. I was often baffled but never surprised by the ways her Christian upbringing groomed her for the role of perfect, submissive wife. She brings readers through her childhood at the church, through her confusing teenage years, and in to early adulthood where she continued to follow the church’s teachings but grew ever more skeptical. As she was taught, she married young to an angry, Christian man who promised to “train” her properly. The relationship is toxic and abusive from the start and Levings peels back the curtain to let readers see it all.
“Maybe there wasn’t a savior coming. It was up to me to save me.”
This memoir is unflinchingly honest and often times, it was difficult to listen to. Trigger warnings for domestic abuse and marital rape (which apparently isn’t a thing, by the way). It’s a powerful story that is guaranteed to infuriate and move readers. While Levings’s story is full of moments to rage against, she includes her escape from her marriage, her recovery, and her reinvention of her life which was a nice note to end on.
I appreciated Levings as the narrator because I always enjoy when authors read their own stories.
Thank you Macmillan Audio and NetGalley for the audiobook in exchange for an honest review. Available 08/06/2024!
August 22, 2024
As someone that grew up in a very strict Pentecostal church and family (and still unfortunately have to live here), this kinda of feels too close to home. One thing I have to say is that I hate the patriarchal system and how easy it is to manipulate young women into believing something that openly oppresses them. I am so glad that Tia is out of that world and living her best life.
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July 16, 2024No rating as I don’t believe in rating memoirs.
A heart-wrenching retelling of the author’s traumas as a result of being in the cult of Christian patriarchy. Tia Levings does a phenomenal job of explaining the horrors of the patriarchal movement and how it is a breeding ground for abuse as well as telling her path to freedom from her abuse.
This is not an easy read but is an important one. While I have theological differences with the author, it is almost necessary to read these kinds of books to see the pain that has been dealt out “in Jesus name” but in reality was dealt out by abusers perverting the truth. My heart breaks for Tia and those like her that have suffered such extreme abuse from those claiming Christ.
Thank you Macmillan Audio for the gifted audiobook and thank you Tia Levings for having the courage to speak out.
A heart-wrenching retelling of the author’s traumas as a result of being in the cult of Christian patriarchy. Tia Levings does a phenomenal job of explaining the horrors of the patriarchal movement and how it is a breeding ground for abuse as well as telling her path to freedom from her abuse.
This is not an easy read but is an important one. While I have theological differences with the author, it is almost necessary to read these kinds of books to see the pain that has been dealt out “in Jesus name” but in reality was dealt out by abusers perverting the truth. My heart breaks for Tia and those like her that have suffered such extreme abuse from those claiming Christ.
Thank you Macmillan Audio for the gifted audiobook and thank you Tia Levings for having the courage to speak out.
June 29, 2024
Til death do we part could mean by his hand, but who cared?
In this beautiful, poignant, vulnerable memoir, Tia Levings explores what it means to be a woman fulfilling a traditional role in patriarchal Christianity, and what eventually drove her to find her escape.
Content warnings:
Sexual assault/rape
assault and battery
severe misogyny
domestic violence
child abuse
child death
animal death
Though less conservative, I grew up akin to Tia Levings did--in a traditional, patriarchal, orthodox christian home. I also left the religion in which I was raised in my adulthood. This book is heavy, but deeply important. It is likely a painful read for most people, but it hit especially hard as someone who grew up so similarly to the author.
Although hard to read, it was also immensely relatable, validating, and gives an incredible opportunity for people who have never experienced this kind of life to look in through the window of this book and learn from her.
I have no complaints about this book. It was written with love, vulnerability, care. Tia Levings is a talented writer portraying a difficult subject with immense grace.
The audiobook is narrated by the author herself. She reads the memoir aloud with the perfect amount of emotion and flow. I was absorbed into her telling of her story much the same way I often am absorbed into novels.
An absolute must read.
Thank you to netgalley for supplying me with an ARC of this audiobook in exchange for an honest review.
In this beautiful, poignant, vulnerable memoir, Tia Levings explores what it means to be a woman fulfilling a traditional role in patriarchal Christianity, and what eventually drove her to find her escape.
Content warnings:
Sexual assault/rape
assault and battery
severe misogyny
domestic violence
child abuse
child death
animal death
Though less conservative, I grew up akin to Tia Levings did--in a traditional, patriarchal, orthodox christian home. I also left the religion in which I was raised in my adulthood. This book is heavy, but deeply important. It is likely a painful read for most people, but it hit especially hard as someone who grew up so similarly to the author.
The church sanctioned my suffering.
Although hard to read, it was also immensely relatable, validating, and gives an incredible opportunity for people who have never experienced this kind of life to look in through the window of this book and learn from her.
I have no complaints about this book. It was written with love, vulnerability, care. Tia Levings is a talented writer portraying a difficult subject with immense grace.
The audiobook is narrated by the author herself. She reads the memoir aloud with the perfect amount of emotion and flow. I was absorbed into her telling of her story much the same way I often am absorbed into novels.
An absolute must read.
Thank you to netgalley for supplying me with an ARC of this audiobook in exchange for an honest review.
July 13, 2024
A Well-Trained Wife, My Escape from Christian Patriarchy by Tia Levings was an audiobook listen for me and I thought she did a great job narrating it. I gave this a 4 ⭐️ and was glad she shared her journey. She has survived terrible things and we’re heartbreaking. But having said that I thought this was more about an abusive marriage and not so much about the church. So if that’s what you’re looking for in this memoir you won’t find it here.
Thanks Macmillan Audio via NetGalley.
Thanks Macmillan Audio via NetGalley.
March 27, 2024
Educated meets Shiny Happy People in this edge-of-your-seat memoir about surviving fundie culture. Tia tells a story in a way that leaves you breathless and this book is completely unputdownable. Reading it feels like you���re seeing it all unfold in real time as she goes through every single step of heartbreak and a never-ending cycle of abuse, and she describes every feeling so vividly you don’t have to imagine it— you’re feeling it right there with her.
August 13, 2024
Tia was recruited into the religious fundamentalist Quiverfull movement as a young wife where she was forced to obey secret rules and raise her family with strict discipline. She kept the inner workings of her family's life a secret from everyone from police and doctors to her neighbors. As her children grew older, Tia realized her husband was only spiraling down further into controlling and abusing her physically and emotionally for years. Tia tells her story of her and her children escaping their controlling home and starting over.
I always find memoirs difficult to rate and review because of the deeply personal experiences the author shares. So I base my reviews on the book's content and author's storytelling rather than life experiences. I'm well aware of religious fundamentalist groups but I honestly never thought they went this deep into husbands physically abusing their wives in the name of “biblical discipline” and a higher power. Everything from the names she has to call her husband, to secret contracts the two sign to “allow” certain abuses inside their marriage just leaves me speechless and my heart hurts for their children. I did not grow up religious, but I was always under the assumption that places of worship were seen as a safe space and refuge, but this could not be further from the truth for Tia and her children.
I always love when an author narrates their own audiobook for things like memoirs. You can hear the emotion and passion in their narration and it brings the story to a different level. Tia did a great job sharing her story.
A big thank you to Macmillan Audio and the author for an advanced copy of this audiobook. Opinions are my own.
Content warnings: DV, r*pe, cruel animal deaths, substance abuse, child abuse and child death.
THIS BOOK IS FOR YOU IF: You're a fan of memories, enjoy learning about different religious cults and stories of escape.
I always find memoirs difficult to rate and review because of the deeply personal experiences the author shares. So I base my reviews on the book's content and author's storytelling rather than life experiences. I'm well aware of religious fundamentalist groups but I honestly never thought they went this deep into husbands physically abusing their wives in the name of “biblical discipline” and a higher power. Everything from the names she has to call her husband, to secret contracts the two sign to “allow” certain abuses inside their marriage just leaves me speechless and my heart hurts for their children. I did not grow up religious, but I was always under the assumption that places of worship were seen as a safe space and refuge, but this could not be further from the truth for Tia and her children.
I always love when an author narrates their own audiobook for things like memoirs. You can hear the emotion and passion in their narration and it brings the story to a different level. Tia did a great job sharing her story.
A big thank you to Macmillan Audio and the author for an advanced copy of this audiobook. Opinions are my own.
Content warnings: DV, r*pe, cruel animal deaths, substance abuse, child abuse and child death.
THIS BOOK IS FOR YOU IF: You're a fan of memories, enjoy learning about different religious cults and stories of escape.
August 5, 2024
Thank you to NetGalley and St. Martin's Press for providing an arc to reviewers.
This is a very interesting and well-written memoir. I have my fair share of religious trauma from growing up queer and Catholic in a rural area which is what drew me to the book. I find it so interesting to read about people who have similar experiences with religion and childhood to me but choose to stay religious or spiritual in some way because it is the opposite of my story. It's so beautiful to read about someone healing their relationship with something that has done them so much harm and turning it into a positive thing in their life.
I recommend this book to anyone who enjoys memoirs, religious themes, and survival stories. Really beautiful!!
This is a very interesting and well-written memoir. I have my fair share of religious trauma from growing up queer and Catholic in a rural area which is what drew me to the book. I find it so interesting to read about people who have similar experiences with religion and childhood to me but choose to stay religious or spiritual in some way because it is the opposite of my story. It's so beautiful to read about someone healing their relationship with something that has done them so much harm and turning it into a positive thing in their life.
I recommend this book to anyone who enjoys memoirs, religious themes, and survival stories. Really beautiful!!
July 14, 2024
CW: DV, marital rape, religious trauma, death of an infant, killing of animals/pets
Tia’s story of life in and escape from Christian fundamentalism and an abusive marriage, sanctioned by church leaders, is rage inducing and I feel so much grief for Tia, her children, and other survivors of these cults.
It’s also frightening, because as Tia states, these religious zealots are the same people trying to run America. They are the creators of Project 2025, they sit on the Supreme Court, and they are members of congress. Christian fundamentalism is a parasite that seeks to control and has nothing to do with the Love of Jesus.
The book is visceral. I feel Tia’s fear, pain, physical ailments. Also, with my objective view as the reader, and not the person lost in the forest, I wanted to scream at every ignored red flag, including her second marriage.
The ultimate message/takeaway from the book: Live for yourself. Do not put yourself in a box, refuse control, allow others to be disappointed.
Tia’s story of life in and escape from Christian fundamentalism and an abusive marriage, sanctioned by church leaders, is rage inducing and I feel so much grief for Tia, her children, and other survivors of these cults.
It’s also frightening, because as Tia states, these religious zealots are the same people trying to run America. They are the creators of Project 2025, they sit on the Supreme Court, and they are members of congress. Christian fundamentalism is a parasite that seeks to control and has nothing to do with the Love of Jesus.
The book is visceral. I feel Tia’s fear, pain, physical ailments. Also, with my objective view as the reader, and not the person lost in the forest, I wanted to scream at every ignored red flag, including her second marriage.
The ultimate message/takeaway from the book: Live for yourself. Do not put yourself in a box, refuse control, allow others to be disappointed.
July 6, 2024
This book was…an eye opener to say the least. I knew that there were darker sides to all religion, yet as a Christian myself…I was still shocked.
This woman was not only raised in an abusive and stifling environment, she spent most of her life in one as well. Her husband, although he seemed ok in the beginning, he wasn’t what he first appeared to be.
What I loved most about this story is not the eye opening effect it had, rather the story of desperation, resilience, bravery, and fortitude it portrayed, and how this amazing woman has begun to heal and recognize that what her life has been like so far, is not how life truly is. being religious does not mean you have to conform and suffer, in fact, you shouldn’t have to.
This woman was not only raised in an abusive and stifling environment, she spent most of her life in one as well. Her husband, although he seemed ok in the beginning, he wasn’t what he first appeared to be.
What I loved most about this story is not the eye opening effect it had, rather the story of desperation, resilience, bravery, and fortitude it portrayed, and how this amazing woman has begun to heal and recognize that what her life has been like so far, is not how life truly is. being religious does not mean you have to conform and suffer, in fact, you shouldn’t have to.
April 23, 2024
Riveting. Tragic. Convicting. Those three words describe the journey the reader takes with Tia Levings' story in A Well-Trained Wife. Levings is an excellent writer and her memoir is worthy of accolades and inclusion with titles like Educated and The Glass House. I was riveted by her story and the many confusing and destabilizing turns she took. I also felt such compassion and sympathy for the trauma she endured. Readers who are quick to say, "why didn't she just leave?" or "why didn't she tell someone?" will see first-hand the bind domestic violence survivors, especially mothers, are put in. And her story convicts the Church and other Christians--we cannot let this abuse continue to happen to innocent children and disempowered women. As Levings says, the Duggars is not some cute little show depicting the funny antics of a large family. It's a fundamentalist cult that strips women of autonomy, dignity, and rights, parentifies and manipulates children, and entitles men. I look forward to hearing more from Levings' now empowered voice in the future.
May 5, 2024
Thanks to NetGalley and St. Martin's Press for an ARC of this memoir.
I'm an ex-Mormon and with each year, as I get older, I see what my parents protected us from. We've all left the church pretty much at this point. A lot of what we avoided experiencing is mentioned in Tia Levings' beautiful and vulnerable memoir of her radical Christian life and her escape.
Levings doesn't hold back, she bares it all, letting you know exactly what she went through and felt, but it doesn't feel like trauma dumping on the reader. Levings recounts her healing journey with a constant tone of realism and empowerment. I overall really appreciate Levings adding her amazing voice to the ever growing group of people speaking out against the religious organizations and individuals.
I'm an ex-Mormon and with each year, as I get older, I see what my parents protected us from. We've all left the church pretty much at this point. A lot of what we avoided experiencing is mentioned in Tia Levings' beautiful and vulnerable memoir of her radical Christian life and her escape.
Levings doesn't hold back, she bares it all, letting you know exactly what she went through and felt, but it doesn't feel like trauma dumping on the reader. Levings recounts her healing journey with a constant tone of realism and empowerment. I overall really appreciate Levings adding her amazing voice to the ever growing group of people speaking out against the religious organizations and individuals.
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