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Loving Bravely: 20 Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want
Many of us enter into romantic relationships full of expectation and hope, only to be sorely disappointed by the realization that the partner we've selected is a flawed human being with their own neuroses, history, and desires. Most relationships end because one or both people haven't done the internal work necessary to develop self-awareness and take responsibility for their own experiences. We've all heard "You can't love anyone unless you love yourself," but amid life's distractions and the myth of perfect, romantic love, how exactly do you do that? In Loving Bravely, psychologist and relationship expert Alexandra H. Solomon introduces the idea of relational self-awareness, encouraging you to explore your personal history to gain an understanding of your own relational patterns, as well as your strengths and weaknesses in relationships. By doing so, you'll learn what relationships actually require, beyond the fairy tale notions of romance. And by maintaining a steady but gentle focus on yourself, you'll build the best possible foundation for making a loving connection.
Audio CD
First published February 2, 2017
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 106 reviews
February 21, 2017
This book makes a point to illustrate how ill prepared many of us are before we start relationships with our partners.
Alexandra provides 20 lessons to grow the reader's self awareness.
She encourages the reader to use the "Name, Connect and Choose" strategy to explore changes that may be required in our mindset and actions relations to loving relationships.
I enjoyed all the stories told as they are relatable and she takes tom to explain how a better outcome can be achieved in our daily relationships with our partners.
As a single lady, this book helped me introspect about a lot of work things in my life that may hinder a healthy relationship. The book provides processes to work through our true essence.
Rating: 4.5/5
Favourite quote: "We hurt those we love. For all kinds of reasons. Looking at how we hurt people we love is really hard work, kicking up incredibly uncomfortable feelings as we confront discrepancies between who we believe ourselves to be and who our actions suggest we are."
This book makes a point to illustrate how ill prepared many of us are before we start relationships with our partners.
Alexandra provides 20 lessons to grow the reader's self awareness.
She encourages the reader to use the "Name, Connect and Choose" strategy to explore changes that may be required in our mindset and actions relations to loving relationships.
I enjoyed all the stories told as they are relatable and she takes tom to explain how a better outcome can be achieved in our daily relationships with our partners.
As a single lady, this book helped me introspect about a lot of work things in my life that may hinder a healthy relationship. The book provides processes to work through our true essence.
Rating: 4.5/5
Favourite quote: "We hurt those we love. For all kinds of reasons. Looking at how we hurt people we love is really hard work, kicking up incredibly uncomfortable feelings as we confront discrepancies between who we believe ourselves to be and who our actions suggest we are."
May 25, 2019
I interviewed the author for an article and found her theories and techniques so interesting that I wanted to read her book. This book did not disappoint.
My favorite technique which I’m trying to use in all relationships is to not attach a story to a behavior. It had really helped me to see things differently, be less angry and have better relationships with people. I highly recommend this book.
My favorite technique which I’m trying to use in all relationships is to not attach a story to a behavior. It had really helped me to see things differently, be less angry and have better relationships with people. I highly recommend this book.
March 1, 2019
As the intro of the book says, we often assume we understand love, and thus most of us never truly prepare before entering an intimate relationship the same way we prepare before going into grad schools or even taking the driver's license exam. I was one of those people, until this book slapped me hard, repeatedly. The book contains 20 lessons, mostly about meditation, self-reflection, and practical howtos, which I find immensely helpful in understanding myself and how I view love. One particular gem I found in the book is "love is a classroom"; any conflict is thus a lesson for both parties to grow and become more intimate. There's nothing I love more than learning, so this outlook suits me greatly. The book also provides practical tips on e.g. how to communicate in a intimacy-inviting way so a conflict can truly feel like a lesson for the people involved, not a battle. Highly recommended.
February 8, 2023
Книга демонструє що кохання - це теж робота, до якої потрібно ставитись відповідально та приділяти немало уваги.
Найважливіше - почати з кохання до себе. Насправді, це дуже важко і книга відкриє Вам пару лайфхаків. «Створюючи «Ми», присвятіть час, простір та енергію для «Я»
Книга підійде абсолютно всім, не важливо в якому статусі Ви зараз знаходитесь. Багато прикладів та посилань на додаткові безкоштовні ресурси. А також практики та рекомендації після кожного уроку.
Найважливіше - почати з кохання до себе. Насправді, це дуже важко і книга відкриє Вам пару лайфхаків. «Створюючи «Ми», присвятіть час, простір та енергію для «Я»
Книга підійде абсолютно всім, не важливо в якому статусі Ви зараз знаходитесь. Багато прикладів та посилань на додаткові безкоштовні ресурси. А також практики та рекомендації після кожного уроку.
November 13, 2019
Loving Bravely is a gentle reminder that you can only love others fully after you learn to love and understand yourself.
As Solomon points out, self-awareness and love for oneself can lead to more understanding in relationships. The exercises (which range from meditations, writing prompts, to interview and discussion questions to have with loved ones) are helpful, even if only to reflect. I think Loving Bravely has a good balance of explaining how to approach and understand your past, while also providing tools to be more present and understanding in relationships.
The stories of her students and of her own experiences were helpful. The poem at the end of the book was beautiful. I like her words on vulnerability, which I think is key to all sorts of bonds and relationships: "When you take the risk to dig a little deeper, what you access is your vulnerability--your most authentic expression of self--thereby creating the potential to deepen the connection with yourself and with your intimate partner" (p.147) and "[In my therapy office,] I encourage clients to view vulnerable disclosures as sacred gifts that warrant the utmost respect in return" (p. 164).
As Solomon points out, self-awareness and love for oneself can lead to more understanding in relationships. The exercises (which range from meditations, writing prompts, to interview and discussion questions to have with loved ones) are helpful, even if only to reflect. I think Loving Bravely has a good balance of explaining how to approach and understand your past, while also providing tools to be more present and understanding in relationships.
The stories of her students and of her own experiences were helpful. The poem at the end of the book was beautiful. I like her words on vulnerability, which I think is key to all sorts of bonds and relationships: "When you take the risk to dig a little deeper, what you access is your vulnerability--your most authentic expression of self--thereby creating the potential to deepen the connection with yourself and with your intimate partner" (p.147) and "[In my therapy office,] I encourage clients to view vulnerable disclosures as sacred gifts that warrant the utmost respect in return" (p. 164).
September 10, 2021
I never thought that I would read a book about relationship. It has just never crossed my mind. I think those things come naturally, from the heart. Then recently when I have read and got to know more about emotions, about psychology..etc I came to a realization that there must be a way to detangle this "love" topic, it's not decided by a random coincidence yet there is a way to understand yourself better to know how to come to terms with your real emotions (which are formed up by data & chemicals), love yourself in the right way and have the courage to put yourself in human relationship and connections (doesnt need to be intimate relationship only). And just like it's mentioned in the beginning of the book, my rudimental fault (just like many others), we also need to learn and get guidance on this, just like when we study any important subjects in life.
Even though the focus will be on "couple relationship", I do learn a few about myself with this insightful book. Especially, the highlight of this is the exercise aka practical guide you can find at the end of each chapter.
The only thing that I am not fully convinced about this book is its causal relationship. I guess it's the favorable way of therapy.
Even though the focus will be on "couple relationship", I do learn a few about myself with this insightful book. Especially, the highlight of this is the exercise aka practical guide you can find at the end of each chapter.
The only thing that I am not fully convinced about this book is its causal relationship. I guess it's the favorable way of therapy.
March 19, 2023
/staying open to life’s unfolding in general and love’s unfolding in particular requires that we trust ourselves, that we rely on our resilience, and that we stand up again when we fall down./
/find the feeling behind the feeling - remember that behind an angry person is a hurt person./
an easily given 5 stars! so down to earth and honest book. it’s definetely not a black&white book, it urges you to dig deeper and really understand where and why you come from. i think everyone will find that something from this book that speaks in volume.
/find the feeling behind the feeling - remember that behind an angry person is a hurt person./
an easily given 5 stars! so down to earth and honest book. it’s definetely not a black&white book, it urges you to dig deeper and really understand where and why you come from. i think everyone will find that something from this book that speaks in volume.
August 6, 2023
The title makes it sound all “woo-woo,” but I am here to say this is a book everyone needs to read. Like, if you’re a human, make sure it’s on your list. Especially poignant for those of us looking to learn from what was done in the past, be it your childhood and/or an unhealthy relationship as an adult, these tools are important for us all. I’d like to reread this sooner, rather than later, I liked it so much.
Read
June 13, 2024lol my professor wrote this. marriage 101 class 4ever
February 13, 2017
Loving Bravely features twenty lessons that guide you step-by-step through self-exploration in order to understand the role you play in maintaining a loving relationship. In other words, it helps you shift from the search for Mr. or Ms. Right to being Mr. or Ms. Right. Each lesson includes a reading passage, some thoughts to ponder and some action steps to take to learn more about yourself and how you can be in a healthy and loving relationship.
I'd recommend this book to anyone who enjoys self-help books, especially in the relational field. A lot of valuable lessons in this book.
*I received an advance reading copy from the publisher in exchange for my honest review. All opinions are my own.*
I'd recommend this book to anyone who enjoys self-help books, especially in the relational field. A lot of valuable lessons in this book.
*I received an advance reading copy from the publisher in exchange for my honest review. All opinions are my own.*
February 11, 2021
I started this book last March at the rec of a Relationship therapist dude I matched with on Hinge. I didn't find the content as applicable at the time because I wasn't in a relationship, but now that I am I decided to pick it up again! It had some good content but for me, nothing earth shattering or too insightful. It's a book to take notes during but I did not do that.
February 2, 2017
Brilliant book to read on learning lessons of self discovery and how to awaken your life using self awareness, embrace life truths, soul and soulmates, self expression and forgiveness. it explores and challenges the discovery of love, even down to how to find Mr Right using key skills.
June 7, 2022
Filled with interesting concepts but the book seems to basically offer what others have already said more eloquently elsewhere.
August 4, 2020
I loaded this book into my kindle a few months back, but never planned on reading it. Somehow I was prompted to open this book a few nights back. I don't read self-help books as much these days as I would more often turn to Christian books to provide a biblical perspective on life. I do not fully subscribe to all the points stated in the book due to the absence of the Christian POV. Even so, I still found some parts of the book useful. Written by a psychologist and Professor, this book provides a professional standpoint on how to look after our own emotional and psychological well-being before committing to a relationship.
I sped read through this book in two nights and skipped through quite a number of anecdotes shared by the author which can be quite long-winded. Despite so, I was able to grasp the key concepts quite easily. The author organised the book into 3 sections and 20 chapters, and each chapter had key points that were easily digestible. I found the chapters on establishing healthy boundaries, valuing presence and building the cushion especially helpful.
3 types of boundaries (1) healthy boundary - connected & protected (2) porous boundary - connected but not protected (3) rigid boundary - protected but not connected.
- Porous boundaries r dangerous bc you may come across as too intrusive (giving unneeded unwanted feedback). Or you may feel overly responsible to 'fix' things.
- Rigid boundaries r problematic bc you may be blocking yourselves from the input of others. Or you are holding back from self-expression and to give voice to your feelings.
- Healthy boundaries are great in the sense that we connect with others while holding on to ourselves - to express our opinions and perspectives while respecting the views and voices of others.
I also liked the segment on how we spend our time -- the 'essential' 7 daily activities that provides us 'mental nutrients'. (1) Focus time - to be goal oriented (2) Playtime - to be spontaneous and creative (3) Connecting time - to connect self to others/ nature (4) physical time - exercise (5) reflection time (6) down time to recharge (7) sleep time. The idea is that everyone requires a diff balance of these activities, and it is important to understand which areas of life we are neglecting and how to shift our priorities to address these areas.
What I appreciated about the book is the actionable advice provided at the end of every chapter. There would be a list of questions for us to ponder over that can guide our reflections and conversations. Eg. To understand your past the author suggests that we note down aspects of your family life that felt precious, beneficial and valuable to you when you were growing up. As well as aspects that were destructive and hurtful. (Such a list will reveal the beliefs, values that you want to carry on in your own life as well as what you would want to leave behind).
Another eg. to build our forgiveness muscles will be too write down your process of forgiving someone - what was helpful? what got in the way? And also t o write down what we were taught about forgiveness while growing up.
There were also tips on communicating especially in times of conflict. Instead of using accusatory 'you' statements that may invite defensiveness , the author suggests using 'I' or 'We' statements. > When you are triggered by the other party, try not to say 'you make me feel....'. But instead, use an XYZ statement - when you did X, in situation Y, I feel Z. This holds the other party accountable for his or her actions, provides more context, while allowing you to articulate your feelings.
> Instead of asking 'why did you...', frame it in 'what kept you from...'
>Instead of being directive and said 'you should/shouldnt have...', give voice to what you want by saying 'I would love for you to XXX'
Also, it is important to listen to UNDERSTAND rather than listen to respond. Our default setting tends to be formulating our response while the other person talks. But most often, the other party seeks our understanding & compassion. NOTE TO SELF: to suspend my ego's desires to explain, defend and clarify in other to make space for the exp of another person.
I sped read through this book in two nights and skipped through quite a number of anecdotes shared by the author which can be quite long-winded. Despite so, I was able to grasp the key concepts quite easily. The author organised the book into 3 sections and 20 chapters, and each chapter had key points that were easily digestible. I found the chapters on establishing healthy boundaries, valuing presence and building the cushion especially helpful.
3 types of boundaries (1) healthy boundary - connected & protected (2) porous boundary - connected but not protected (3) rigid boundary - protected but not connected.
- Porous boundaries r dangerous bc you may come across as too intrusive (giving unneeded unwanted feedback). Or you may feel overly responsible to 'fix' things.
- Rigid boundaries r problematic bc you may be blocking yourselves from the input of others. Or you are holding back from self-expression and to give voice to your feelings.
- Healthy boundaries are great in the sense that we connect with others while holding on to ourselves - to express our opinions and perspectives while respecting the views and voices of others.
I also liked the segment on how we spend our time -- the 'essential' 7 daily activities that provides us 'mental nutrients'. (1) Focus time - to be goal oriented (2) Playtime - to be spontaneous and creative (3) Connecting time - to connect self to others/ nature (4) physical time - exercise (5) reflection time (6) down time to recharge (7) sleep time. The idea is that everyone requires a diff balance of these activities, and it is important to understand which areas of life we are neglecting and how to shift our priorities to address these areas.
What I appreciated about the book is the actionable advice provided at the end of every chapter. There would be a list of questions for us to ponder over that can guide our reflections and conversations. Eg. To understand your past the author suggests that we note down aspects of your family life that felt precious, beneficial and valuable to you when you were growing up. As well as aspects that were destructive and hurtful. (Such a list will reveal the beliefs, values that you want to carry on in your own life as well as what you would want to leave behind).
Another eg. to build our forgiveness muscles will be too write down your process of forgiving someone - what was helpful? what got in the way? And also t o write down what we were taught about forgiveness while growing up.
There were also tips on communicating especially in times of conflict. Instead of using accusatory 'you' statements that may invite defensiveness , the author suggests using 'I' or 'We' statements. > When you are triggered by the other party, try not to say 'you make me feel....'. But instead, use an XYZ statement - when you did X, in situation Y, I feel Z. This holds the other party accountable for his or her actions, provides more context, while allowing you to articulate your feelings.
> Instead of asking 'why did you...', frame it in 'what kept you from...'
>Instead of being directive and said 'you should/shouldnt have...', give voice to what you want by saying 'I would love for you to XXX'
Also, it is important to listen to UNDERSTAND rather than listen to respond. Our default setting tends to be formulating our response while the other person talks. But most often, the other party seeks our understanding & compassion. NOTE TO SELF: to suspend my ego's desires to explain, defend and clarify in other to make space for the exp of another person.
November 6, 2022
Audiobook
Relational empowerment - emotion regulation, empathy, and generosity
Relational self-awareness is the cornerstone of all healthy relationships
Healthy relationships rest on a compassionate and aware understanding of your internal world
Love is a classroom
Name - connect - choose
Make a list of traits of the people who cared for you - the ones you would emulate and the ones you don’t want to repeat
Do the same for your family culture
The events of your life are dots, and how you connect them illuminates your very self
Make a table of contents for your life and write about the chapters - supportive and hard ones
Dialectic in relationship - can feel angry about something they did and also know and trust you are loved
Porous vs rigid boundaries - many shades of gray, your perspective might be different from your partner’s based on your history
What are you gender stories?
Relationships tend to traverse these three chapters - early idealization, fall from grace, brave love
Say yes as soon as your partner asks to go for couples counseling
Perspectives on soulmates - someone brought to you by a force larger than yourself, a fellow traveler, someone who teaches you something about yourself and helps you evolve and grow
You can believe in soulmates as long as your definition includes the notion that soulmate relationships invite and involve deep, courageous, and sometimes painful emotional work
Gut feelings and anxiety feel different
Live with passion, feed yourself from within
Intimate partners do not need to share these passions
Having a passion outside marriage can help strengthen marriage
Single or partnered, we all need a tribe of friends
Women with friendships have happier marriages
It’s important to pay attention to how you feel about where you work because it can impact your relationship
Dan Siegel - healthy mind platter - daily activities for mental nutrients - Focus time, play time, connecting time (to others and nature), physical time, time in, down time (unfocused), sleep time
We are most whole and connected when we are involved in a creative process of some kind
Systemic conflict stories help marriages (as opposed to linear conflict stories)
People tend to react to conflict w blaming (criticizing) or shaming (internalizing blame)
Communication - space between stimulus and response
0% control over stimulus, 100% control over response
Prefrontal cortex = high road, limbic system = low road)
Volume up/down responses (flight or flight) tend to either be same or opposite of what we grew up with
Taking a pause to choose response is not running away
Breathing, sensory input, love altar
Primary emotions - fear, sadness, shame
Anger is the most common secondary emotion
Anger is normal but it “requires our a-game”
Connect w the feeling behind the feeling
Intimacy-preventing language - control (you need to - instead, say how you feel), blame (you make me feel - instead, when you do x in situation y I feel z), using disembodied you when telling your story (instead say “I” when you talk about yourself), asking why did you or why didn’t you (instead, ask, what kept you from), shoulds and rules about how reality should be (is a signal that an unmet need in you is asking for attention), always or never (try softening), how can I get my partner to... (instead, say what you need and be vulnerable)
Accountability- taking responsibility for the impact your words and actions have on other people
Some families don’t “do” accountability
Intent and impact have little to do with each other
If your story is razor thin (ie if this is my fault or if I did something wrong, it means I’m a terrible person) it will be very hard to apologize
We need to have self-compassion in order to apologize
Apologize for an action, not a trait
Apologize without a justification
Apologizing says you accept you’re not perfect
Forgiveness does not mean you won’t feel pain in that area.
When in a relationship, “follow one storyline until the end.” Even if there might be someone better for you out there.
Love depends on presence which is the opposite of what technology teaches us.
In a relationship we need to be present w our head and our heart.
Love is about letting go and riding the waves
Relational empowerment - emotion regulation, empathy, and generosity
Relational self-awareness is the cornerstone of all healthy relationships
Healthy relationships rest on a compassionate and aware understanding of your internal world
Love is a classroom
Name - connect - choose
Make a list of traits of the people who cared for you - the ones you would emulate and the ones you don’t want to repeat
Do the same for your family culture
The events of your life are dots, and how you connect them illuminates your very self
Make a table of contents for your life and write about the chapters - supportive and hard ones
Dialectic in relationship - can feel angry about something they did and also know and trust you are loved
Porous vs rigid boundaries - many shades of gray, your perspective might be different from your partner’s based on your history
What are you gender stories?
Relationships tend to traverse these three chapters - early idealization, fall from grace, brave love
Say yes as soon as your partner asks to go for couples counseling
Perspectives on soulmates - someone brought to you by a force larger than yourself, a fellow traveler, someone who teaches you something about yourself and helps you evolve and grow
You can believe in soulmates as long as your definition includes the notion that soulmate relationships invite and involve deep, courageous, and sometimes painful emotional work
Gut feelings and anxiety feel different
Live with passion, feed yourself from within
Intimate partners do not need to share these passions
Having a passion outside marriage can help strengthen marriage
Single or partnered, we all need a tribe of friends
Women with friendships have happier marriages
It’s important to pay attention to how you feel about where you work because it can impact your relationship
Dan Siegel - healthy mind platter - daily activities for mental nutrients - Focus time, play time, connecting time (to others and nature), physical time, time in, down time (unfocused), sleep time
We are most whole and connected when we are involved in a creative process of some kind
Systemic conflict stories help marriages (as opposed to linear conflict stories)
People tend to react to conflict w blaming (criticizing) or shaming (internalizing blame)
Communication - space between stimulus and response
0% control over stimulus, 100% control over response
Prefrontal cortex = high road, limbic system = low road)
Volume up/down responses (flight or flight) tend to either be same or opposite of what we grew up with
Taking a pause to choose response is not running away
Breathing, sensory input, love altar
Primary emotions - fear, sadness, shame
Anger is the most common secondary emotion
Anger is normal but it “requires our a-game”
Connect w the feeling behind the feeling
Intimacy-preventing language - control (you need to - instead, say how you feel), blame (you make me feel - instead, when you do x in situation y I feel z), using disembodied you when telling your story (instead say “I” when you talk about yourself), asking why did you or why didn’t you (instead, ask, what kept you from), shoulds and rules about how reality should be (is a signal that an unmet need in you is asking for attention), always or never (try softening), how can I get my partner to... (instead, say what you need and be vulnerable)
Accountability- taking responsibility for the impact your words and actions have on other people
Some families don’t “do” accountability
Intent and impact have little to do with each other
If your story is razor thin (ie if this is my fault or if I did something wrong, it means I’m a terrible person) it will be very hard to apologize
We need to have self-compassion in order to apologize
Apologize for an action, not a trait
Apologize without a justification
Apologizing says you accept you’re not perfect
Forgiveness does not mean you won’t feel pain in that area.
When in a relationship, “follow one storyline until the end.” Even if there might be someone better for you out there.
Love depends on presence which is the opposite of what technology teaches us.
In a relationship we need to be present w our head and our heart.
Love is about letting go and riding the waves
August 16, 2020
some of my favorite parts:
- As she becomes better able to embrace complexity, she can author a new story: “I feel both angry and sad. Owen loves me and he forgot to take care of something for me.”
- When you parent, it’s crucial you realize you aren’t raising a “mini me,” but a spirit throbbing with its own signature. —Shefali Tsabary
- Establish your boundaries before you have the conversation with your parents
- I put my hand on his shoulder and said, ‘I’m sorry you feel that way. I’m having the time of my life.’ Can you believe it? I was so proud of myself!”
- love thrives when boundaries are consciously negotiated and renegotiated in the imperfect and dynamic flow of questions and curiosity and trying again.
- I know that I’m violating the boundaries of someone else when I catch myself saying or thinking, “But I’m just trying to help.”
- When the desire for connection competes with the desire for autonomy, we can end up feeling lost and anxious, asking questions like: How do I balance wanting to be in a relationship with wanting to have “my own life?”
- Listen in order to understand, not in order to respond.
- It’s hard to let myself fall for someone. I protect myself from how scary and vulnerable it is to like someone that much by being critical and really picky of him or her. To me, Brave Love feels too “normal.” I don’t trust it.
- “People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave.” and i feel like i have met mine who has come and gone
- rather than viewing a relationship that has ended as a failure, she opens the possibility
of viewing a relationship that has ended as a completion. The relationship did what it was created to do, and now it is complete. and i think i have completed a lot of my relationships there, as hard as it is to grasp sometimes.
- Touch is an avenue for manifesting, embodying, and expressing to and with another person what we are feeling on the inside.
- Hookups feel like an extension of the wish that love could be simple and easy—and therefore not painful. Hookup culture reflects a fear of getting entangled, a fear of getting hurt, and a fear of screwing up. In this way, hookup culture is an effort to stay emotionally safe, reflecting and perpetuating anxiety, ambivalence, and pessimism about love.
- a whopping 69 percent of the time, couples fight about a perpetual (rather than fixable) problem, so the goal is dialogue, not resolution (2011).
- From the perspective of a systemic conflict story, our perceptions change. Foe becomes ally. Conflict becomes a path back to compassion and curiosity… or at least humor and surrender.
- You can offer a heartfelt apology if the impact is that you hurt someone even if you did not intend to hurt them. Intent and impact have little to do with each other.
- I think this is what people mean when they say they want “closure.” They want the opportunity to hear the other person validate their story of the relationship
- “Big P” Presence is about being able to say, “I know there are other people out there, and other relationships that I could create, but I choose this one.”
i think i really needed this book at this time in my life. it was a little hard to read at some points, but a lot of it did strike a cord in me.
- As she becomes better able to embrace complexity, she can author a new story: “I feel both angry and sad. Owen loves me and he forgot to take care of something for me.”
- When you parent, it’s crucial you realize you aren’t raising a “mini me,” but a spirit throbbing with its own signature. —Shefali Tsabary
- Establish your boundaries before you have the conversation with your parents
- I put my hand on his shoulder and said, ‘I’m sorry you feel that way. I’m having the time of my life.’ Can you believe it? I was so proud of myself!”
- love thrives when boundaries are consciously negotiated and renegotiated in the imperfect and dynamic flow of questions and curiosity and trying again.
- I know that I’m violating the boundaries of someone else when I catch myself saying or thinking, “But I’m just trying to help.”
- When the desire for connection competes with the desire for autonomy, we can end up feeling lost and anxious, asking questions like: How do I balance wanting to be in a relationship with wanting to have “my own life?”
- Listen in order to understand, not in order to respond.
- It’s hard to let myself fall for someone. I protect myself from how scary and vulnerable it is to like someone that much by being critical and really picky of him or her. To me, Brave Love feels too “normal.” I don’t trust it.
- “People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave.” and i feel like i have met mine who has come and gone
- rather than viewing a relationship that has ended as a failure, she opens the possibility
of viewing a relationship that has ended as a completion. The relationship did what it was created to do, and now it is complete. and i think i have completed a lot of my relationships there, as hard as it is to grasp sometimes.
- Touch is an avenue for manifesting, embodying, and expressing to and with another person what we are feeling on the inside.
- Hookups feel like an extension of the wish that love could be simple and easy—and therefore not painful. Hookup culture reflects a fear of getting entangled, a fear of getting hurt, and a fear of screwing up. In this way, hookup culture is an effort to stay emotionally safe, reflecting and perpetuating anxiety, ambivalence, and pessimism about love.
- a whopping 69 percent of the time, couples fight about a perpetual (rather than fixable) problem, so the goal is dialogue, not resolution (2011).
- From the perspective of a systemic conflict story, our perceptions change. Foe becomes ally. Conflict becomes a path back to compassion and curiosity… or at least humor and surrender.
- You can offer a heartfelt apology if the impact is that you hurt someone even if you did not intend to hurt them. Intent and impact have little to do with each other.
- I think this is what people mean when they say they want “closure.” They want the opportunity to hear the other person validate their story of the relationship
- “Big P” Presence is about being able to say, “I know there are other people out there, and other relationships that I could create, but I choose this one.”
i think i really needed this book at this time in my life. it was a little hard to read at some points, but a lot of it did strike a cord in me.
April 13, 2021
Really enjoyed this! Loved having exercises to explore more and having concrete ways to better relate to others. Some chapters/lessons would be much more helpful if I were actually in a relationship, but still good information regardless. Would buy a copy of this as a reference for the future.
Key lines:
14: "Family dysfunction is like fire in the woods that rolls generation to generation taking everything in its path until one person has the courage to face the flame. That person brings peace to her ancestors and spares those who follow." (Dr. Terrence Real)
35: Then I reminded her that actually she wasn't the one who was going to stand in front of all those people. Giving the talk was the job of a woman, not a girl. She could play or rest or just generally be a kid. I, the woman, would give this talk. And I, the woman, had everything I needed to get the job done.
142: Volume-up survival strategies can seem so compelling because the situation before us feels out of control and therefore we feel out of control. We are uncomfortable, so we want to act on our environment--to do something that makes us feel "in control" again. But taking a pause opens up the possibility that, rather than being a victim of our reactivity and our environment, we can claim some real power--power over ourselves, power to choose how we want to respond.
171: Kevin's old story is: If you are critical of me, I don't trust that you can also still love me and hold me in high esteem. The urge to explain, defend, or argue back--the frantic effort to be valued--is still there inside of Kevin.
195: Once in an intimate relationship, instead of asking, "Am I happy here?" we seem to be increasingly asking the question, "Could I be happier somewhere else?" The consumer mentality doesn't serve our intimate relationships very well. When we decide to make a commitment to one person and go through relational rituals (moving in together, becoming engaged and so on), it is essential to trust ourselves to have made a good-enough choice of a partner and cultivate happiness within that relationship instead of looking for all the places where "the grass may be greener," commitment to another person means that we choose to weed and water our own yard. This is not about settling. It is about making the conscious choice to focus on what you like, love, and admire about your partner and to defocus on the rest.
196: Dating is about exploring, and as you explore, let self-awareness be your greatest guide. ... A graduate student of mine shared with me a piece of advice that had been given to her by a dating coach: follow one storyline through to the end.
207: This lesson is about how much more open we are to love when we allow rather than force, wonder instead of control, and exhale deeply into all that we do not know and cannot know.
Key lines:
14: "Family dysfunction is like fire in the woods that rolls generation to generation taking everything in its path until one person has the courage to face the flame. That person brings peace to her ancestors and spares those who follow." (Dr. Terrence Real)
35: Then I reminded her that actually she wasn't the one who was going to stand in front of all those people. Giving the talk was the job of a woman, not a girl. She could play or rest or just generally be a kid. I, the woman, would give this talk. And I, the woman, had everything I needed to get the job done.
142: Volume-up survival strategies can seem so compelling because the situation before us feels out of control and therefore we feel out of control. We are uncomfortable, so we want to act on our environment--to do something that makes us feel "in control" again. But taking a pause opens up the possibility that, rather than being a victim of our reactivity and our environment, we can claim some real power--power over ourselves, power to choose how we want to respond.
171: Kevin's old story is: If you are critical of me, I don't trust that you can also still love me and hold me in high esteem. The urge to explain, defend, or argue back--the frantic effort to be valued--is still there inside of Kevin.
195: Once in an intimate relationship, instead of asking, "Am I happy here?" we seem to be increasingly asking the question, "Could I be happier somewhere else?" The consumer mentality doesn't serve our intimate relationships very well. When we decide to make a commitment to one person and go through relational rituals (moving in together, becoming engaged and so on), it is essential to trust ourselves to have made a good-enough choice of a partner and cultivate happiness within that relationship instead of looking for all the places where "the grass may be greener," commitment to another person means that we choose to weed and water our own yard. This is not about settling. It is about making the conscious choice to focus on what you like, love, and admire about your partner and to defocus on the rest.
196: Dating is about exploring, and as you explore, let self-awareness be your greatest guide. ... A graduate student of mine shared with me a piece of advice that had been given to her by a dating coach: follow one storyline through to the end.
207: This lesson is about how much more open we are to love when we allow rather than force, wonder instead of control, and exhale deeply into all that we do not know and cannot know.
September 13, 2020
I find this being one of the most useful book on the true self-love!
The authoress offers 20 lesson on the healthy self-love - as the shift here is not to concentrate on finding/keeping Mr/Mrs Right, but to work (truthfully, but gently) on YOU and your perspective and behaviour within the process of becoming the Right One. We are all works in progress, so the job is never done, but we can grow in wisdom.
While I do not agree on all the points and stories included (mainly because they reflect the quite modern views on coupling, which do not always agree with my views as a practicing Catholic), I still find the book being tremendously wise and useful. Like a trusted friend, with whom you can furiously disagree on one point, but you respect his wisdom in the other points. And the authoress has a lot of wisdom to offer, and she does this is an engaging and warm way. The art of knowing (and facing!) yourself needs to be learnt, processed and practiced (again and again) with both truth and the healthy friendliness to yourself.
The authoress recommends using the self-awareness (the process is defined as "name-connect-choose") in various couple-related situations (I especially liked the chapter on forgiveness and shame, but other ones are highly engaging, too). Every chapter is ended with a set of practical tasks/food for thought - and I find them really working. I also likes the quotes on the start of every chapter, they are very relatable and meaningful.
Recommended read.
The authoress offers 20 lesson on the healthy self-love - as the shift here is not to concentrate on finding/keeping Mr/Mrs Right, but to work (truthfully, but gently) on YOU and your perspective and behaviour within the process of becoming the Right One. We are all works in progress, so the job is never done, but we can grow in wisdom.
While I do not agree on all the points and stories included (mainly because they reflect the quite modern views on coupling, which do not always agree with my views as a practicing Catholic), I still find the book being tremendously wise and useful. Like a trusted friend, with whom you can furiously disagree on one point, but you respect his wisdom in the other points. And the authoress has a lot of wisdom to offer, and she does this is an engaging and warm way. The art of knowing (and facing!) yourself needs to be learnt, processed and practiced (again and again) with both truth and the healthy friendliness to yourself.
The authoress recommends using the self-awareness (the process is defined as "name-connect-choose") in various couple-related situations (I especially liked the chapter on forgiveness and shame, but other ones are highly engaging, too). Every chapter is ended with a set of practical tasks/food for thought - and I find them really working. I also likes the quotes on the start of every chapter, they are very relatable and meaningful.
Recommended read.
March 7, 2022
I wanted a relatively quick and easy book to read this weekend, and I found that in Loving Bravely, a surprisingly decent book that focuses on the self rather than the other when it comes to finding love. Alexandra H. Solomon details twenty "lessons" to better help readers understand themselves, their pasts, their motives and their love languages, and overall I thought the book was helpful in asking poignant, insightful and downright challenging questions. As someone who has dived very in-depth into their own being and self in the past several years, I am such a sucker for self-awareness dialogues, which is what Solomon's book was chock full of. I'm also a sucker for bad relationship self-help books, just to cringe and hate-read them, so I was relieved Loving Bravely was not that at all. Not quite the book for me, because (not to brag or self-aggrandize) I've already done much of the work and answered many of the questions Solomon posed—I am nothing if not an overthinker and an introspective soul—but I did appreciate that many of those self-awareness prompts and perception-changing revelations were included in one neat little book, so there are resources for people who aren't feeling like their best selves.
April 11, 2020
5/5 ⭐
I wish people (adults) would read more books like this. One would think: Shouldn't love be filled with spontaneity to expose our true selves? In reality, we barely know anything about love before we fall in love or choose our life long partners. This book is not a guide on how to have a perfect love life or finding The One. It is a book about yourself: who you are and how you live with the relationships in your life.
After reading, you would gain more than self-awareness. This book offers a broader view of self-compassion. One of the highlights of this book is its exercises/prompts. It asks your existing narrative and belief on love, forgiveness, gender roles, etc. A number of things limit us from experiencing love in its entirety. This book serves as a compassionate mirror on the things you avoid talking about: your past and your weaknesses.
While reading, I realized that self-help books aren't read to have a quickfix or to help you avoid problems in the future or let alone have a perfect life. It is an aid to your emotional endurance in order to come face-to-face with your own vulnerabilities and have proactive choices towards working on them.
I wish people (adults) would read more books like this. One would think: Shouldn't love be filled with spontaneity to expose our true selves? In reality, we barely know anything about love before we fall in love or choose our life long partners. This book is not a guide on how to have a perfect love life or finding The One. It is a book about yourself: who you are and how you live with the relationships in your life.
After reading, you would gain more than self-awareness. This book offers a broader view of self-compassion. One of the highlights of this book is its exercises/prompts. It asks your existing narrative and belief on love, forgiveness, gender roles, etc. A number of things limit us from experiencing love in its entirety. This book serves as a compassionate mirror on the things you avoid talking about: your past and your weaknesses.
While reading, I realized that self-help books aren't read to have a quickfix or to help you avoid problems in the future or let alone have a perfect life. It is an aid to your emotional endurance in order to come face-to-face with your own vulnerabilities and have proactive choices towards working on them.
July 14, 2022
In theory many good lessons but in practice…I suppose it wasn’t exactly what I was looking for. I suppose it was a bit basic and more for people who pick it up without much previous knowledge of attachment theory, love languages etc.
Also, highly highly monogamous altough it sort of makes sense since the writer is monogamous and has most experience with that. So yeah idk…A little hint of codependence here and there, a little hint of over-responsabilisation of herself in the relationship with her husband maybe (acting as if it’s basically on her to know how to handle him when he gets defensive. At the end of the day she’s a person too, she doesn’t owe him angel-like perfection). In my personal unprofessional opinion it sounded like she was cutting him waaaay much slack.
I was happy that there was the slightest mention of possible sexual openness (one phrase in one chapter lol and one story about successful sex that wasn’t part of a committed relationship) but I reckon it really wasn’t that kind of book, which I could have expected.
Possibly useful, still, and some things were well phrased.
Also, highly highly monogamous altough it sort of makes sense since the writer is monogamous and has most experience with that. So yeah idk…A little hint of codependence here and there, a little hint of over-responsabilisation of herself in the relationship with her husband maybe (acting as if it’s basically on her to know how to handle him when he gets defensive. At the end of the day she’s a person too, she doesn’t owe him angel-like perfection). In my personal unprofessional opinion it sounded like she was cutting him waaaay much slack.
I was happy that there was the slightest mention of possible sexual openness (one phrase in one chapter lol and one story about successful sex that wasn’t part of a committed relationship) but I reckon it really wasn’t that kind of book, which I could have expected.
Possibly useful, still, and some things were well phrased.
October 21, 2023
Love is a strong feeling, and as a result, it is tough to keep under control. So many individuals end up disoriented while attempting to figure out the best approach to express or accept love from another. The trouble with understanding how to love is that we often fail to consider a wide range of elements, within and outside our control. People misread and misrepresent love in several ways, but the book Loving Bravely clearly explains how to make intentional attempts to love correctly. No single blueprint or model can teach us to be better lovers, but we can learn to be more compassionate, forgiving, and less demanding. What we can also do is to look inward and draw from our experiences.
Finding and keeping a relationship is not always easy, but specific positive attributes may help you find a companion. Begin by assessing your self-awareness, which implies behaviors and expectations. Meanwhile, when negotiating your relationship, be aware of any unjust or unwanted social constraints. Finally, while contacting your partner, always strive to be open, sympathetic, and kind.
Finding and keeping a relationship is not always easy, but specific positive attributes may help you find a companion. Begin by assessing your self-awareness, which implies behaviors and expectations. Meanwhile, when negotiating your relationship, be aware of any unjust or unwanted social constraints. Finally, while contacting your partner, always strive to be open, sympathetic, and kind.
January 29, 2021
Do you want to become more loving and lovable? Loving Bravely, the 2017 book by Alexandra H. Solomon, Ph.D., is one of the most practical and down to earth guides on love based on sound research and experience. She shows that most of the time, it’s not what we have to do to love, but what we have to remove to love. “There’s no doubt, intimate relationships go more smoothly when we commit ourselves to not letting the rigid and controlling parts of ourselves run the show.” (Pg. 208) Every couple is susceptible to relationship traps. Dr. Solomon not only shares what gets us out of those traps, but how to avoid them altogether. I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to feel love more frequently, intensely, and widely. In my own opinion, this is everyone. As she states from the beginning, “We assume that people ought to just know how to “do” love. And that is a huge problem.” (Pg. 1).
July 5, 2024
It took me ages to read this as every chapter activated my fight or flight response. I felt personally attacked or triggered with each "lesson" that ultimately, after a break to regulate myself and ponder with neutral curiosity, showed that this just might be a good and necessary book.
While much of this book is geared towards monogamous, romantic relationships, plenty of the material covered here is effective for familial, platonic, and even professional relationships. I love the focus on sustainable, self-directed actions. It doesn't matter where on the self-actualization journey your partner or interlocutor is; the real aim is to move forward yourself in a compassionate and enlightened way.
While much of this book is geared towards monogamous, romantic relationships, plenty of the material covered here is effective for familial, platonic, and even professional relationships. I love the focus on sustainable, self-directed actions. It doesn't matter where on the self-actualization journey your partner or interlocutor is; the real aim is to move forward yourself in a compassionate and enlightened way.
September 14, 2024
Fave outtakes:
1. Being self-aware isn't to avoid culture; it ensures that your consciousness allows you to choose whether a cultural message restricts or helps you.
Our most adventurous and significant endeavor will be to examine, understand, and develop ourselves so that we may be special to others
2. Sincere apologies go a long way in quelling a difficult situation and reconciling.
Sometimes, we take for granted how a simple apology can strengthen our relationships.
3. Relationships last longer and are more enjoyable when you make conscious attempts to be completely present in them.
True presence in a relationship requires more than simply physical proximity; it is being completely present in your mind and heart.
4. Nobody is irreparably injured. It's always possible to heal.
1. Being self-aware isn't to avoid culture; it ensures that your consciousness allows you to choose whether a cultural message restricts or helps you.
Our most adventurous and significant endeavor will be to examine, understand, and develop ourselves so that we may be special to others
2. Sincere apologies go a long way in quelling a difficult situation and reconciling.
Sometimes, we take for granted how a simple apology can strengthen our relationships.
3. Relationships last longer and are more enjoyable when you make conscious attempts to be completely present in them.
True presence in a relationship requires more than simply physical proximity; it is being completely present in your mind and heart.
4. Nobody is irreparably injured. It's always possible to heal.
May 21, 2018
A MUST READ FOR ANYONE IN A RELATIONSHIP, GETTING SERIOUS IN A RELATIONSHIP OR JUST WANTING TO LEARN MORE ON HOW TO BE A BETTER PARTNER.
I follow Mark Groves (@createthelove) on IG and from him, I learned about this book. Having floundered most unsuccessfully in relationships, I am always hungry to figure out my 'why' and 'my story'. I found her book to be insightful and if anything, just food for thought. She actually gives you formidable active ways on how to respond healthily in a relationship. I've always been a runner and even for me, I found some helpful advice.
And if you get the chance to see her in person, I highly recommend it.
I follow Mark Groves (@createthelove) on IG and from him, I learned about this book. Having floundered most unsuccessfully in relationships, I am always hungry to figure out my 'why' and 'my story'. I found her book to be insightful and if anything, just food for thought. She actually gives you formidable active ways on how to respond healthily in a relationship. I've always been a runner and even for me, I found some helpful advice.
And if you get the chance to see her in person, I highly recommend it.
April 28, 2021
This was good and I'm glad I read it, but it was hard to get through. Spoiler Alert: you can't bring your full, authentic self to relationships if you don't recognize all the garbage feelings you carry around about love and security. I appreciated that this book isn't about letting go of your baggage, but rather recognizing how it manifests in ways that are unfair to others.
I will say that I have a new realization about how my own insecurities tend to manifest and with that new awareness, I'm able to walk through my issues and mitigate behaviors that could have been destructive before. So I'd say the book's advice is solid.
I will say that I have a new realization about how my own insecurities tend to manifest and with that new awareness, I'm able to walk through my issues and mitigate behaviors that could have been destructive before. So I'd say the book's advice is solid.
March 13, 2023
Any book that ends with the poem The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer wins my heart a bit.
Simple and maybe one of my favorite relationship books so far. General premise: Find yourself, the relationship that is right for you and learn the skills to communicate your emotional needs and foster intimacy. Get in touch with primary emotions and learn how to communicate about them. Also get comfortable with discomfort and learn to trust yourself and trust an imperfect relationship. It's more in the category of "love is an action" instead of love is a feeling. Love takes choice and showing up everyday.
Simple and maybe one of my favorite relationship books so far. General premise: Find yourself, the relationship that is right for you and learn the skills to communicate your emotional needs and foster intimacy. Get in touch with primary emotions and learn how to communicate about them. Also get comfortable with discomfort and learn to trust yourself and trust an imperfect relationship. It's more in the category of "love is an action" instead of love is a feeling. Love takes choice and showing up everyday.
May 14, 2021
What A GOOD recommendation. I loved every lesson from how to love yourself, to how your relationship about love stems from your first family relationships. There is a section that gives you questions to ask your parents about their relationship and I'm looking forward to doing that. I enjoyed the section about being present and how to fit technology in with that. I highly recommend this book to people in relationships or single. I feel like it will help me accept my family for who they are and allow me to give them space to share their history and insight.
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