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Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last
Psychologist John Gottman has spent twenty years studying what makes a marriage last. Now you can use his tested methods to evaluate, strengthen, and maintain your own long-term relationship.
This breakthrough book guides you through a series of self-tests designed to help you determine what kind of marriage you have, where your strengths and weaknesses are, and what specific actions you can take to help your marriage.
You'll also learn that more sex doesn't necessarily improve a marriage, frequent arguing will not lead to divorce, financial problems do not always spell trouble in a relationship, wives who make sour facial expressions when their husbands talk are likely to be separated within four years and there is a reason husbands withdraw from arguments—and there's a way around it.
Dr. Gottman teaches you how to recognize attitudes that doom a marriage—contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling—and provides practical exercises, quizzes, tips, and techniques that will help you understand and make the most of your relationship. You can avoid patterns that lead to divorce, and— Why Marriages Succeed or Fail will show you how.
This breakthrough book guides you through a series of self-tests designed to help you determine what kind of marriage you have, where your strengths and weaknesses are, and what specific actions you can take to help your marriage.
You'll also learn that more sex doesn't necessarily improve a marriage, frequent arguing will not lead to divorce, financial problems do not always spell trouble in a relationship, wives who make sour facial expressions when their husbands talk are likely to be separated within four years and there is a reason husbands withdraw from arguments—and there's a way around it.
Dr. Gottman teaches you how to recognize attitudes that doom a marriage—contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling—and provides practical exercises, quizzes, tips, and techniques that will help you understand and make the most of your relationship. You can avoid patterns that lead to divorce, and— Why Marriages Succeed or Fail will show you how.
240 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1994
About the author
John M. Gottman
90 books1,732 followersDr. Gottman was one of the Top 10 Most Influential Therapists of the past quarter-century by the Psychotherapy Networker. He is the author or co-author of over 200 published academic articles and more than 40 books, including the bestselling The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work; What Makes Love Last; Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love; The Relationship Cure; Why Marriages Succeed or Fail; and Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child — among many others. Dr. Gottman’s media appearances include Good Morning America, Today, CBS Morning News, and Oprah, as well articles in The New York Times, Ladies Home Journal, Redbook, Glamour, Woman’s Day, People, Self, Reader’s Digest, and Psychology Today.
Co-founder of The Gottman Institute and co-founder of Affective Software, Inc. with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, John was also the Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute. He is Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington, where he founded “The Love Lab” at which much of his research on couples’ interactions was conducted.
Co-founder of The Gottman Institute and co-founder of Affective Software, Inc. with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, John was also the Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute. He is Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington, where he founded “The Love Lab” at which much of his research on couples’ interactions was conducted.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 319 reviews
May 26, 2018
در هر مقطعی از زندگی هستین و یا در هر مرحله از رابطه هستید و یا در هر مرحله از زندگی زناشویی تان هستید، ابن کتاب رو اگر نخوندید خیلی زودتر بخونید که خیلی نکات به درد بخور و کاربردی توش داره و دونستن اینکه خود نویسنده نزدیک ۴۰ سال در آمریکا روانشناس بالینی بوده و ۴۰ سال روی زندگی و ازدواج های موفق و نیز ناموفق مطالعه کرده و پای حرف اونها نشسته، خیلی واسه من یکی جذاب بود و بیشتر ترغیبم کرد برم سراغ این کتاب که خداروشکر کتاب خوبی هم از آب دراومد. این کتاب بنظرم نکاتش رو باید جزوه کرد و داد به همه افراد جامعه به علت خیلی کاربردی بودن و عالی بودنش و کمک بودنش در شناخت مشکلات و راهکارهای یک رابطه و یا ازدواج. چه حینش چه قبلش .
June 4, 2021
How did I arrive at this Book?
I came to read this book, after reading works from attachment theory.
Attachment in Psychotherapy by David J. Wallin. It was the best read of 2020. Please Check out, Attachment Theory
My friend was engaging on improving communication skills. We both wanted to improve our skills in relationship.
Instead of pridefully saying, I know enough about relationship or I am good in it. We both, with humility and courage admitted, have areas to define, grow, improve.
I reached out to a Professor. He teaches Clinical Psychology, and approves of this work.
Practice, Practice, Practice this.
Gottman says, practice, as this becomes second-nature.
Perhaps, this work can be extended to all relationships?
Why do I need to read this book?
Maybe if you are looking to grow in relationships, want to recognize areas of your self, this might be good read.
How much time would this take? About 6-7 hours
What does this book offer me?
-Concrete ways to be aware, improve, manage relationships
-This one specifically on marriage.
-This could be extended to other relationships
Okay, So, What is inside this book?
Outline:
1) What makes Marriage Work,
2) Marriage Style
3) Four Horseman of Apocalypse
4) Your Private thoughts become Cast in Stone
5) Two Marriage: His and Her
6) Your Marriage: Diagnosis
7) Four Keys to Improve Your Marriage
8) Strengthen the Foundation
What are the Key Ideas of this Book?
For this, I give you question and answers from the book
1) What makes marriage work?
Marriage is extreme complex relationship.
He says,
-ability to resolve conflict (There styles of healthy ways to do it)
-5:1 positive to negative in the relationship
He says, there is no single test, that can predict outcome.
He does give a rough number of 90% based on positive to negativity in the relationship.
2) Marriage Style: The Good, Bad and Volatile
Gottman gives examples of couples with different styles. I liked his example of volatile couple.
He says, exploding would come under volatile style. It’s not the end of the world. I changed my mind on it. I was of persuasion that less conflict, it's more likely to be better, but I was wrong.
Validating, Volatile, Avoidant Relationship relationship styles.
Gottman suggests to negotiate a style of stable relationship. He says, avoidant are more likely to be in troubled and create loneliness.
3) Four Horseman of Apocalypse:
a) Contempt: Looking down on someone, or seeing them as beneath you. Erosion of Love, Insults arise out of this.
Remedy: Praise and Admiration for Positive Qualities
b) Defensiveness: This happens, when we are criticized or when someone starts blaming us.
Remedy: Calm down, be non-defensive, listen when barrage of emotional explosion occurs. Embrace the Anger. Do not flee unless physical fight occurs.
c) Criticism:
This is Personal Attack. Sometimes, we might not be aware of it.
Statements like,
"You are Always late",
"You NEVER care about me.",
Last but the best one,
"You idiot, why don’t you remember to take the garbage out?"
Really? Never which means, 100% of the time? Probably not. It’s psychological abuse.
Remedy: Gottman suggests to make it into complaint. Instead of, “You NEVER.”, “You are …” make it into, Complaint into specific behavior, start with, “I” statements.
A Complaint is specific and limited to one situation.
d) Withdrawal (Stone-walling): We withdraw if there’s too much negativity or have a stone-wall in our communication. Sometimes, when a person does that, the other person comes with more force wanting attention, and it might come off as rejection of the other person. Men are more likely to be stone-wallers.
Remedy: Instead of having poker face. Use back-channel, use words like, “uhm..”, “yes”, “oh I see.” Be attuned to facial-expression of the other person and mirror the other person’s facial expression.
Why back-channel helps? It helps the other person to know that you haven’t tuned out of the conversation.
4) Your private thoughts become cast in stone:
Gottman specifically gives example of one scenario, same interpreted in self-soothing and distress maintaining ways. The one with self-soothing is more likely to take positive qualities, but the one with distress maintaining more likely to create more anger and more upset.
Innocent Victim: If we are hit by third horseman, defensiveness, we are more likely to take innocent victim role. The major emotion we feel would be fear.
Righteous Indignation: We have hostility and contempt for the other person. When we are hit hard by contempt. We are hit hard by hurt, and anger. Stonewallers might more likely to take righteous indignation role.
5) Two Marriage: His and Her
This Chapter goes into basic differences between Men and Women. This is an outline, not specific to everyone.
6) Your Marriage: Diagnosis:
I suggest you to refer the book for questionnaires.
7) Four Keys to Improve Your Marriage:
1) Calm Down
1.a)Rewrite inner script
1.b)Speak Non Defensively
2) Praise and Admiration
3) Validation
4) Over learning
8) Strengthen the Foundation:
Negotiating Marriage Style:
-How to Argue
-How to Express and Handle Emotions
-How to Feel Loved and Show Love: What does truly involved means?
-Strongly valuing, “We-ness.”
When communication becomes difficult, reason is because more negativity in the relationship.
What are some suggestions, that I could do?
a) Important for men to take tasks at home, and outside.
b) Have suggestion Box.
c) Create Schedules or Times to talk.
d) Share Glory — create a family story, tell your story.
e) Create Love, Respect and Shared Sense of Values.
What this book does not offer?
Theoretical foundation for the body of work, knowledge base, accurate definition, schools of thought in this area, religious vs secular work on this.
Where do I disagree with Gottman?
The area, where I disagree with the author, “Leaving the relationship.”
If a person adheres to Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism or Christianity. Their view on deserting, absconding, leaving the relationship comes specifically with their belief system. Gottman does not consider that and brings that to the table. People from religious tradition have an element of supernatural assumption in their body of knowledge, ergo, not sure how that can play out.
Excerpts that you might like:
And fighting—when it airs grievances and complaints—can be one of the healthiest things a couple can do for their relationship (indeed, how you fight is one of the most telling ways to diagnose the health of your marriage).
After a couple fight, Gottman says, What I detected hidden beneath their seemingly trivial skirmishes was a rich and painful history of unresolved issues concerning his need for autonomy and her need to feel valued by him.
The issue is how well you handle the inevitable differences that arise whenever two people form a partnership.
Do I need to get rid of all negativity in the relationship?
Some negativity is required in relationships. Beware of negative internal script that plays in your inner-world. I suggest reading attachment theory and my review of it.
What is one idea that I need to remember?
“The Ability to resolve conflicts.” play a crucial factor in all relationships.
Overall, I recommend this book to everyone, who wants to grow in relationship, communication skills.
Deus Vult,
Gottfried
I came to read this book, after reading works from attachment theory.
Attachment in Psychotherapy by David J. Wallin. It was the best read of 2020. Please Check out, Attachment Theory
My friend was engaging on improving communication skills. We both wanted to improve our skills in relationship.
Instead of pridefully saying, I know enough about relationship or I am good in it. We both, with humility and courage admitted, have areas to define, grow, improve.
I reached out to a Professor. He teaches Clinical Psychology, and approves of this work.
Practice, Practice, Practice this.
Gottman says, practice, as this becomes second-nature.
Perhaps, this work can be extended to all relationships?
Why do I need to read this book?
Maybe if you are looking to grow in relationships, want to recognize areas of your self, this might be good read.
How much time would this take? About 6-7 hours
What does this book offer me?
-Concrete ways to be aware, improve, manage relationships
-This one specifically on marriage.
-This could be extended to other relationships
Okay, So, What is inside this book?
Outline:
1) What makes Marriage Work,
2) Marriage Style
3) Four Horseman of Apocalypse
4) Your Private thoughts become Cast in Stone
5) Two Marriage: His and Her
6) Your Marriage: Diagnosis
7) Four Keys to Improve Your Marriage
8) Strengthen the Foundation
What are the Key Ideas of this Book?
For this, I give you question and answers from the book
1) What makes marriage work?
Marriage is extreme complex relationship.
He says,
-ability to resolve conflict (There styles of healthy ways to do it)
-5:1 positive to negative in the relationship
He says, there is no single test, that can predict outcome.
He does give a rough number of 90% based on positive to negativity in the relationship.
2) Marriage Style: The Good, Bad and Volatile
Gottman gives examples of couples with different styles. I liked his example of volatile couple.
He says, exploding would come under volatile style. It’s not the end of the world. I changed my mind on it. I was of persuasion that less conflict, it's more likely to be better, but I was wrong.
Validating, Volatile, Avoidant Relationship relationship styles.
Gottman suggests to negotiate a style of stable relationship. He says, avoidant are more likely to be in troubled and create loneliness.
3) Four Horseman of Apocalypse:
a) Contempt: Looking down on someone, or seeing them as beneath you. Erosion of Love, Insults arise out of this.
Remedy: Praise and Admiration for Positive Qualities
b) Defensiveness: This happens, when we are criticized or when someone starts blaming us.
Remedy: Calm down, be non-defensive, listen when barrage of emotional explosion occurs. Embrace the Anger. Do not flee unless physical fight occurs.
c) Criticism:
This is Personal Attack. Sometimes, we might not be aware of it.
Statements like,
"You are Always late",
"You NEVER care about me.",
Last but the best one,
"You idiot, why don’t you remember to take the garbage out?"
Really? Never which means, 100% of the time? Probably not. It’s psychological abuse.
Remedy: Gottman suggests to make it into complaint. Instead of, “You NEVER.”, “You are …” make it into, Complaint into specific behavior, start with, “I” statements.
A Complaint is specific and limited to one situation.
d) Withdrawal (Stone-walling): We withdraw if there’s too much negativity or have a stone-wall in our communication. Sometimes, when a person does that, the other person comes with more force wanting attention, and it might come off as rejection of the other person. Men are more likely to be stone-wallers.
Remedy: Instead of having poker face. Use back-channel, use words like, “uhm..”, “yes”, “oh I see.” Be attuned to facial-expression of the other person and mirror the other person’s facial expression.
Why back-channel helps? It helps the other person to know that you haven’t tuned out of the conversation.
4) Your private thoughts become cast in stone:
Gottman specifically gives example of one scenario, same interpreted in self-soothing and distress maintaining ways. The one with self-soothing is more likely to take positive qualities, but the one with distress maintaining more likely to create more anger and more upset.
Innocent Victim: If we are hit by third horseman, defensiveness, we are more likely to take innocent victim role. The major emotion we feel would be fear.
Righteous Indignation: We have hostility and contempt for the other person. When we are hit hard by contempt. We are hit hard by hurt, and anger. Stonewallers might more likely to take righteous indignation role.
5) Two Marriage: His and Her
This Chapter goes into basic differences between Men and Women. This is an outline, not specific to everyone.
6) Your Marriage: Diagnosis:
I suggest you to refer the book for questionnaires.
7) Four Keys to Improve Your Marriage:
1) Calm Down
1.a)Rewrite inner script
1.b)Speak Non Defensively
2) Praise and Admiration
3) Validation
4) Over learning
8) Strengthen the Foundation:
Negotiating Marriage Style:
-How to Argue
-How to Express and Handle Emotions
-How to Feel Loved and Show Love: What does truly involved means?
-Strongly valuing, “We-ness.”
When communication becomes difficult, reason is because more negativity in the relationship.
What are some suggestions, that I could do?
a) Important for men to take tasks at home, and outside.
b) Have suggestion Box.
c) Create Schedules or Times to talk.
d) Share Glory — create a family story, tell your story.
e) Create Love, Respect and Shared Sense of Values.
What this book does not offer?
Theoretical foundation for the body of work, knowledge base, accurate definition, schools of thought in this area, religious vs secular work on this.
Where do I disagree with Gottman?
The area, where I disagree with the author, “Leaving the relationship.”
If a person adheres to Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism or Christianity. Their view on deserting, absconding, leaving the relationship comes specifically with their belief system. Gottman does not consider that and brings that to the table. People from religious tradition have an element of supernatural assumption in their body of knowledge, ergo, not sure how that can play out.
Excerpts that you might like:
And fighting—when it airs grievances and complaints—can be one of the healthiest things a couple can do for their relationship (indeed, how you fight is one of the most telling ways to diagnose the health of your marriage).
After a couple fight, Gottman says, What I detected hidden beneath their seemingly trivial skirmishes was a rich and painful history of unresolved issues concerning his need for autonomy and her need to feel valued by him.
The issue is how well you handle the inevitable differences that arise whenever two people form a partnership.
Do I need to get rid of all negativity in the relationship?
Some negativity is required in relationships. Beware of negative internal script that plays in your inner-world. I suggest reading attachment theory and my review of it.
What is one idea that I need to remember?
“The Ability to resolve conflicts.” play a crucial factor in all relationships.
Overall, I recommend this book to everyone, who wants to grow in relationship, communication skills.
Deus Vult,
Gottfried
May 14, 2010
The synopsis of this book doesn't cover the portion I felt was most important. The author defines sure warning signs of behavior that guarantees a failed marriage. He calls them The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse. They are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling. I admit I've employed all four. There are examples and questionnaires to help the in-denial reader. In changing bad behavior it suggests a preventable unhappy ending. I think it helped me at least understand myself better and motivated improvement.
September 9, 2019
به نظرم بدرنخور. تنها نکته کتاب (بر فرض صحت مطلب) این بود که زوجهایی که باهم درگیری و اختلاف کنترل شده دارند، دارای ازدواج پایدارتری هم هستند به نسبت زوجهایی که اصلا اختلاف ندارند.
May 1, 2014
I would rate this book higher if it weren't for my knowledge that Gottman's later books are generally better than this one.
This book has a lot of solid advice about relationships, much of which applies to relationships in general, and not just marital relationships. The advice is concrete, actionable, and easy to understand. There's just enough repetition to reinforce the ideas without making the book tedious.
So why the low rating? The tone is very oriented toward those who feel that they are in a failing marriage, which means Gottman fails to convey how important these communication techniques are for all couples. In general, the right time to improve your communication skills is before things start falling apart.
This book has a lot of solid advice about relationships, much of which applies to relationships in general, and not just marital relationships. The advice is concrete, actionable, and easy to understand. There's just enough repetition to reinforce the ideas without making the book tedious.
So why the low rating? The tone is very oriented toward those who feel that they are in a failing marriage, which means Gottman fails to convey how important these communication techniques are for all couples. In general, the right time to improve your communication skills is before things start falling apart.
November 9, 2017
Inspiring and makes me want to be a better partner. Biggest takeaways: be more validating, empathetic, and understanding. More affectionate. Volatility is okay as long as it’s balanced by lots of laughter and positive emotions.
A good marriage requires a lot of self-discipline and holding your tongue.
A good marriage requires a lot of self-discipline and holding your tongue.
November 4, 2011
An absolutely fascinating read that blew me away with some of the observations and results of the author's findings.
January 12, 2016
John Gottman, named one of the Top 10 Most Influential Therapists of the last quarter-century, is a professor emeritus and experimental psychologist at the University of Washington who spent 40 years researching relationships and has been the recipient of numerous awards on his work.
Whether you're married or not, this book explains Gottman's scientific research methods and then delves right into his findings on successful and unsuccessful relationships and how to make yours work. What I found most useful were the very clear descriptions of some of the destructive communication methods I've heard mentioned in some other Gottman publications. He explains the difference between complaining and criticizing. And defines and gives clear examples of defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Following chapters then give advice on how to remedy these communication habits in one's own interactions, and how to improve communication in general. This book also talks about different relationship communication styles and how they work, and includes quick quizzes throughout to help the reader analyze their own standing and tendencies on these various topics.
Whether you're married or not, this book explains Gottman's scientific research methods and then delves right into his findings on successful and unsuccessful relationships and how to make yours work. What I found most useful were the very clear descriptions of some of the destructive communication methods I've heard mentioned in some other Gottman publications. He explains the difference between complaining and criticizing. And defines and gives clear examples of defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Following chapters then give advice on how to remedy these communication habits in one's own interactions, and how to improve communication in general. This book also talks about different relationship communication styles and how they work, and includes quick quizzes throughout to help the reader analyze their own standing and tendencies on these various topics.
August 1, 2016
The studies in this book were references in Malcolm Gladwell's book Blink. It described a little bit about how Gottman and his team would observe couples and using a formula would track every eye twitch, lip curl, tone of voice change and be able to predict with 94% accuracy if the marriage would succeed or fail. It sounded fascinating, so I wanted to hear more. I got more and it was good. It breaks down 3 types of successful marriages that don't all look so great from the casual onlooker, but all are healthy, so long as both parties are cool with that type of marriage (they are validating, volatile, and conflict avoidant - or something like that). It breaks down the 4 worst things that can break marriages and how to make them better or avoid doing them. It's full of quizzes and just good stuff. (I listened to the book, so I didn't do some of the quizzes, but they are all available as pdfs on a website, so the physical book isn't necessary to take the quizzes.)
I didn't pick this up because I am having marriage problems. In fact, I feel like every married couple should take a gander at this because there is so much to learn about communication. It can help with a spouse, but beyond too. I could see how many principles could apply to my interaction with my kids and other family members, maybe even friends. I love the science behind it and the in-depth study. It was all so very interesting.
I didn't pick this up because I am having marriage problems. In fact, I feel like every married couple should take a gander at this because there is so much to learn about communication. It can help with a spouse, but beyond too. I could see how many principles could apply to my interaction with my kids and other family members, maybe even friends. I love the science behind it and the in-depth study. It was all so very interesting.
September 14, 2017
I hate being introspective, so it took me a minute to get into this book and be comfortable with it. I kind of wanted to cover my ears and shout LALALA just in case he described something and all the sudden my (what I think to be) happy marriage would be revealed to be actually really awful. Happily, that didn't happen, and I could immediately see which of the 3 stable marriage styles he describes we fit into, and then I could continue feeling good about my marriage and begin to enjoy the book and find it fascinating. And lots of good general marriage and communication tips. I love that it's all based on scientific research too.
This book is so not like me to read, when it came in the library for me, I couldn't remember why I reserved it. I just checked and it's not for book club. Now I'm remembering. One, Collette recommended it highly. And I recommend Collette highly. And two, I've heard a lot of other books and a parenting class I attended reference the almighty "Gottman" in a reverential tone and figured I better check this guy out.
This book is so not like me to read, when it came in the library for me, I couldn't remember why I reserved it. I just checked and it's not for book club. Now I'm remembering. One, Collette recommended it highly. And I recommend Collette highly. And two, I've heard a lot of other books and a parenting class I attended reference the almighty "Gottman" in a reverential tone and figured I better check this guy out.
July 5, 2019
علتی که من رفتم سراغ این کتاب، تعارضاتی بود که توی روابطم بهش برمیخوردم و همیشه این سوال رو برام ایجاد میکرد که مشکل کجاست و منشاش چیه? آیا این کتاب به من کمک کرد? خیلییی
شاید مهمترین نکته ای که این کتاب برای من داشت فهمیدن وجود انواع مختلف روابط بین زن و شوهر ها بود. بر اساس یه تحقیق پنج نوع رابطه متفاوت وجود داره که سه تا از این پنج مورد شانس بیشتری در پایداری و موندگاری دارن. این سه تا شامل "رضایت دوجانبه"، "مشاجره جو ها" و "پرهیزکننده از مشاجره" هستن. شاید شما هم مثل من تنها تصویر ایده الی که از یه رابطه تو ذهنتون داشتین همون مورد اول بوده یعنی رضایت دو جانبه بر مبنای گفتگو. اما خوبی این کتاب نشون دادن موفقیت سایر روابطی هست که لزوما از توافق طرفین پیروی نمیکنه. رسانه ها، داستان ها و اسطوره ها همیشه روابطی رو نشونمون دادن که در اون ها مشکلات به سادگی رفع و ارامش سریعا برمیگرده. در صورتیکه نوع تعامل هر فرد در انتخاب روشی که برای حل تعارضاتش در پیش میگیره متفاوته. یکی اهل مشاجره است، دیگری برعکس از هر نوع جدلی پرهیز میکنه و یکی یاد گرفته گفت و گو کنه.
کتاب مطالب زیادی داره و قطعا برای کسانی که دنبال بهبود روابطشون هستن مفیده.
شاید مهمترین نکته ای که این کتاب برای من داشت فهمیدن وجود انواع مختلف روابط بین زن و شوهر ها بود. بر اساس یه تحقیق پنج نوع رابطه متفاوت وجود داره که سه تا از این پنج مورد شانس بیشتری در پایداری و موندگاری دارن. این سه تا شامل "رضایت دوجانبه"، "مشاجره جو ها" و "پرهیزکننده از مشاجره" هستن. شاید شما هم مثل من تنها تصویر ایده الی که از یه رابطه تو ذهنتون داشتین همون مورد اول بوده یعنی رضایت دو جانبه بر مبنای گفتگو. اما خوبی این کتاب نشون دادن موفقیت سایر روابطی هست که لزوما از توافق طرفین پیروی نمیکنه. رسانه ها، داستان ها و اسطوره ها همیشه روابطی رو نشونمون دادن که در اون ها مشکلات به سادگی رفع و ارامش سریعا برمیگرده. در صورتیکه نوع تعامل هر فرد در انتخاب روشی که برای حل تعارضاتش در پیش میگیره متفاوته. یکی اهل مشاجره است، دیگری برعکس از هر نوع جدلی پرهیز میکنه و یکی یاد گرفته گفت و گو کنه.
کتاب مطالب زیادی داره و قطعا برای کسانی که دنبال بهبود روابطشون هستن مفیده.
March 25, 2012
My name is Rachel and I am addicted to self help books. =) No, but really. I really enjoy reading books that help me better understand the human psyche. I have read another book by Gottman before but it was more practical about how to take a struggling marriage and turn it around, and I was more interested in the science behind it, because his methods fascinate me. This one was exactly what I wanted. Excellent book. Very interesting but also had enough practical information to really help in areas that need improvement. I recommend it for anyone who enjoys approaching relationships with an active feeling toward improvement. Whereas his other book was more for improving marriages where the reader felt like they were struggling, I didn't feel like I had to be unhappy in my marriage to read and enjoy this one.
September 24, 2019
عالی بود
عالی
من خیلی با کتابایی که بر اساس داده‌های آماریه خوب ارتباط برقرار میکنم
خیلی بهتر از کتابای بر مبنای تئوری
این ازین دست کتابا بود
یه تعداد زوج رو قبل ازدواج بعد ازدواج، چند ماه بعد ازدواج و چند سال بعد ازدواج بررسی کردن و بررسی کردن اونایی که بعد چند سال جدا شدن چه وجه های مشترکی داشتن و اونایی که باهم موندن چطور
ضربان قلب و فشار خونشون رو در حین مکالمه ، بحث و مشاجره، صحبت در مورد گذشته و اینده و .... بررسی کردن و به نتایج جالبی درمورد تفاوت مرد و زن از لحاظ بیولوژیکی و روانی رسیدن
به هرکسی رابطه براش مهمه پیشنهاد میکنم
بسیار راه گشا و روشن گره!
عالی
من خیلی با کتابایی که بر اساس داده‌های آماریه خوب ارتباط برقرار میکنم
خیلی بهتر از کتابای بر مبنای تئوری
این ازین دست کتابا بود
یه تعداد زوج رو قبل ازدواج بعد ازدواج، چند ماه بعد ازدواج و چند سال بعد ازدواج بررسی کردن و بررسی کردن اونایی که بعد چند سال جدا شدن چه وجه های مشترکی داشتن و اونایی که باهم موندن چطور
ضربان قلب و فشار خونشون رو در حین مکالمه ، بحث و مشاجره، صحبت در مورد گذشته و اینده و .... بررسی کردن و به نتایج جالبی درمورد تفاوت مرد و زن از لحاظ بیولوژیکی و روانی رسیدن
به هرکسی رابطه براش مهمه پیشنهاد میکنم
بسیار راه گشا و روشن گره!
August 26, 2020
Women aren’t biologically programmed to like playing with dolls
Had to put this book down when the author goes into a long explanation about how differences in biology in men and women lead to problems in marriage. Women are not genetically programmed to play with dolls and look pretty or discuss feelings forever. The author also keeps making excuses for lazy men in marriages. If a man refuses to take any responsibility for kids or the household, that isn’t a difference in communication styles or preferences, that’s being married to a man child that needs to grow up.
Had to put this book down when the author goes into a long explanation about how differences in biology in men and women lead to problems in marriage. Women are not genetically programmed to play with dolls and look pretty or discuss feelings forever. The author also keeps making excuses for lazy men in marriages. If a man refuses to take any responsibility for kids or the household, that isn’t a difference in communication styles or preferences, that’s being married to a man child that needs to grow up.
January 1, 2023
This book worked perfectly! I now know just how to make my marriage fail!
August 6, 2024
An informative wake-up call on the marital front.
Note: This book came out in the early/mid-90s, hence the language choices and examples sometimes feel dated. (i.e. too much leaning into stereotypes at times.)
Apparently, I should have aimed for some of Gottman's more recent works. (I likely will, given how much useful perspective I gleaned from this one.)
At about the 1/4th mark, there's a self-evaluation comprised of yes or no questions. The test is called: Is there enough love and respect in your marriage?
It's followed shortly thereafter by what I found to be the most revelatory aspect of the book--a simple appraisal tool that made me take a hard look at my own marital actions and communication flaws--as well as those of marriages around me. And undeniably, I had to take far more seriously certain behaviors and signs I had previously downplayed.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Gottman's name for 4 disastrous ways of interacting that sabotage your attempts to communicate with your partner. (In order of least dangerous.)
1. Criticism
2. Contempt
3. Defensiveness
4. Stone-walling
"As these behaviors become more and more entrenched, husband and wife focus increasingly on the escalating sense of negativity and tension in their marriage."
After about the halfway mark I found things repetitive. Whether other readers will may depend on how much reinforcement one needs to help identify warning signs and ways to correct them.
Note: This book came out in the early/mid-90s, hence the language choices and examples sometimes feel dated. (i.e. too much leaning into stereotypes at times.)
Apparently, I should have aimed for some of Gottman's more recent works. (I likely will, given how much useful perspective I gleaned from this one.)
At about the 1/4th mark, there's a self-evaluation comprised of yes or no questions. The test is called: Is there enough love and respect in your marriage?
It's followed shortly thereafter by what I found to be the most revelatory aspect of the book--a simple appraisal tool that made me take a hard look at my own marital actions and communication flaws--as well as those of marriages around me. And undeniably, I had to take far more seriously certain behaviors and signs I had previously downplayed.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Gottman's name for 4 disastrous ways of interacting that sabotage your attempts to communicate with your partner. (In order of least dangerous.)
1. Criticism
2. Contempt
3. Defensiveness
4. Stone-walling
"As these behaviors become more and more entrenched, husband and wife focus increasingly on the escalating sense of negativity and tension in their marriage."
After about the halfway mark I found things repetitive. Whether other readers will may depend on how much reinforcement one needs to help identify warning signs and ways to correct them.
October 3, 2012
Well, originally I was planning on giving it either 3 or 4 stars. With books that have PHD emblazoned across the front, I tend to trust that they will have something to tell me that I don't already know. While this book did have some nice guidelines, they seemed antiquated and rather obvious. The worst part was the repetitive redundancy (see what I did there? haaah). It was really intolerable. I think I read about the same 4 marriage pitfalls in every chapter. Another drawback were the case studies with "real life conversations". They seemed dry, inane, and banal. If that's what marriage is, count me out. I think I and my peers would need a book aimed more at a younger couple. Also notable: I'm not actually married, so take my review with a grain of [kosher] salt.
Read
February 5, 2022The book’s main points boil down to 1) the importance of self-reflection and 2) the value of open, effective communication. I’m neither married nor on the verge of divorce (why I took up this book then remains a mystery), and I still had takeaways from the listening experience!
The book was written in 1995 based on research done in the 1970-90s. There was a STRONG focus on heterosexual relationships. And I couldn’t help but wonder what the racial composition of Gottman’s subjects were, although I have a hunch. Obviously, no single book can be a “catch all,” but I hope there are books on the topic that better address the diversity that exists within relationships.
The book was written in 1995 based on research done in the 1970-90s. There was a STRONG focus on heterosexual relationships. And I couldn’t help but wonder what the racial composition of Gottman’s subjects were, although I have a hunch. Obviously, no single book can be a “catch all,” but I hope there are books on the topic that better address the diversity that exists within relationships.
May 21, 2013
Gottman did this landmark study of married couples that just about every book on marriage relationships ever since quotes from. I finally decided I might as well go right to the primary source and read the book on the original study since sometimes I like to pretend I'm taking a psychology course on relationships.;) I enjoyed the book. Lots of interesting points.
October 6, 2014
Dr. Gottman was one of my professors at Penn State. This book is extremely helpful to any marital relationship. Take your time reading it, take written and mental notes, and apply what you learn to every day life. You might be surprised by how much it can help make your relationships better than ever!
November 20, 2014
Fantastic read! This author is absolutely brilliant. I've always been a fan of his "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child," and this book was just as good. He even discusses the importance of validation for your spouse in this book as well. I'm a firm believer in John Gottman's work.
January 3, 2015
While this may seem like obvious advice to some, many people should read this, especially those young couples that haven't learned how to resolve conflicts without attacking their partner. I know because I've been there. I'm likely to gift this to some young couples I know.
January 8, 2016
Overall good, science-backed relationship advice. But the info in this book has now been updated by 20 *more* years of science. This is a good intro to Gottman's work, but I recommend following up this book with one of his newer ones for an update on the science.
March 2, 2016
Gottman is brilliant! So, anything by him is great! But, this book is especially wonderful because I actually recall the information years and years after reading it! It just sticks with you!
July 12, 2023
3.5
I read John Gottman’s Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work a couple of years ago and loved it. Imagine my surprise and confusion then, as I was recently reading/critiquing the book Love and Respect by E. Eggerichs, when Eggerichs kept referencing this book—Why Marriages Succeed or Fail by John Gottman—as a backup for his theories.
This was disorienting to me, since I strongly disagree with much of the Love & Respect book but highly value the years of respected research done by the Gottman Institute. To hear John Gottman quoted in Love & Respect did not make sense, therefore I read this book simply to see if Gottman’s research does indeed validate Eggerichs’ ideas.
It does not.
While Gottman does frequently state that successful marriages depend on mutual love & respect, not once does he ever insinuate that men require respect while women desire love, as Eggerichs claims.
I did recognize some of the points made in Eggerichs’ book, specifically the research done by Gottman which says that *85% of stonewallers are men*.
However, Eggerichs twists that statistic to say that
*85% of men stonewall*. That is not the same thing. Eggerichs further claimed that stonewalling by men is a “good-willed” response to disrespectful wives. That is a blatantly twisted misrepresentation of the actual statistic presented by Gottman.
Another point of interest along the same lines was Gottman’s research on heart rates of men during conflict. Eggerichs uses Gottman’s research to claim that when men are in conflict with “disrespectful” wives, their heart rates go up because they are now in “battle mode” as part of their male nature. Eggerichs then goes on to claim that “good-willed” men will then stonewall/withdraw, so as to stop themselves from hurting their wives in anger.
This is not what Gottman’s research suggests at all. He states that when men’s heart rate goes up in conflict, it is because men feel more vulnerable and and are more easily flooded. They may then stonewall/withdraw so as to protect themselves (not to protect their wives from being attacked in anger 🙄). (And for the record, a man who has to leave the room so as to stop himself from hurting his wife is not a safe or good-willed person. Telling wives that this is a sign of their husband’s love for them is grossly manipulative.)
Gottman also makes it clear that frequent stonewalling is detrimental to the marriage—not a sign of “good will” as Eggerichs claims.
Gottman is also clear that his research does not represent every man or woman, and he states that the reader should only apply his findings to the extent that they actually apply to his or her unique personality and beliefs.
As far as the book itself, I only gave it 3 stars mainly for the reason that it is quite old (first written in 1995) and Gottman’s research has considerably grown and been refined since it was written.
Some of the book is quite jarring—specifically the example conversations between various couples in conflict. The name calling and verbal abuse presented as normal but unhealthy conflict was frequently disturbing.
Gottman also uses the term “mutual abuse,” which is a dated and debunked myth, and no longer considered acceptable in reputable marriage advice.
Much of the book is quite helpful and interesting, especially the breakdown of conflict/resolution styles and how to heal negative patterns in the marriage which prevent conflict from happening in a healthy and productive way.
However, I would suggest skipping this one and read Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work instead. It is much of the same research and helpful advice, but without some of the more dated gender stereotypes and updated to coincide with the latest findings in psychology and neuroscience.
In the end, I am simply relieved to find that no, Gottman’s research and data indeed does not support or validate the Scripture-twisting claims of Emerson Eggerichs’ anecdotal theories.
I read John Gottman’s Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work a couple of years ago and loved it. Imagine my surprise and confusion then, as I was recently reading/critiquing the book Love and Respect by E. Eggerichs, when Eggerichs kept referencing this book—Why Marriages Succeed or Fail by John Gottman—as a backup for his theories.
This was disorienting to me, since I strongly disagree with much of the Love & Respect book but highly value the years of respected research done by the Gottman Institute. To hear John Gottman quoted in Love & Respect did not make sense, therefore I read this book simply to see if Gottman’s research does indeed validate Eggerichs’ ideas.
It does not.
While Gottman does frequently state that successful marriages depend on mutual love & respect, not once does he ever insinuate that men require respect while women desire love, as Eggerichs claims.
I did recognize some of the points made in Eggerichs’ book, specifically the research done by Gottman which says that *85% of stonewallers are men*.
However, Eggerichs twists that statistic to say that
*85% of men stonewall*. That is not the same thing. Eggerichs further claimed that stonewalling by men is a “good-willed” response to disrespectful wives. That is a blatantly twisted misrepresentation of the actual statistic presented by Gottman.
Another point of interest along the same lines was Gottman’s research on heart rates of men during conflict. Eggerichs uses Gottman’s research to claim that when men are in conflict with “disrespectful” wives, their heart rates go up because they are now in “battle mode” as part of their male nature. Eggerichs then goes on to claim that “good-willed” men will then stonewall/withdraw, so as to stop themselves from hurting their wives in anger.
This is not what Gottman’s research suggests at all. He states that when men’s heart rate goes up in conflict, it is because men feel more vulnerable and and are more easily flooded. They may then stonewall/withdraw so as to protect themselves (not to protect their wives from being attacked in anger 🙄). (And for the record, a man who has to leave the room so as to stop himself from hurting his wife is not a safe or good-willed person. Telling wives that this is a sign of their husband’s love for them is grossly manipulative.)
Gottman also makes it clear that frequent stonewalling is detrimental to the marriage—not a sign of “good will” as Eggerichs claims.
Gottman is also clear that his research does not represent every man or woman, and he states that the reader should only apply his findings to the extent that they actually apply to his or her unique personality and beliefs.
As far as the book itself, I only gave it 3 stars mainly for the reason that it is quite old (first written in 1995) and Gottman’s research has considerably grown and been refined since it was written.
Some of the book is quite jarring—specifically the example conversations between various couples in conflict. The name calling and verbal abuse presented as normal but unhealthy conflict was frequently disturbing.
Gottman also uses the term “mutual abuse,” which is a dated and debunked myth, and no longer considered acceptable in reputable marriage advice.
Much of the book is quite helpful and interesting, especially the breakdown of conflict/resolution styles and how to heal negative patterns in the marriage which prevent conflict from happening in a healthy and productive way.
However, I would suggest skipping this one and read Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work instead. It is much of the same research and helpful advice, but without some of the more dated gender stereotypes and updated to coincide with the latest findings in psychology and neuroscience.
In the end, I am simply relieved to find that no, Gottman’s research and data indeed does not support or validate the Scripture-twisting claims of Emerson Eggerichs’ anecdotal theories.
October 9, 2023
This is possibly the best book on marriage I've read to date, and it's only 4 stars instead of 5 because it was written 30 years ago so it's not reflective of the most modern information nor does it contain any information at all about same-sex/queer couples. HOWEVER... it relies a lot less on lazy assumptions about "male" and "female" "brains" than so many other books on marriage... There's a chapter that focuses on that part, sure, but even then care is taken to state that broad, universal sex- and gender-based assumptions aren't helpful. Rather, tt's all about communication patterns and dynamics and despite not being explicitly inclusive, can be easily applied and relevant to virtually any partnership.
August 4, 2023
Realizing that marriage is more of a contract for companionship rather than an infinite union of passionate love is a pretty sobering pill to swallow… also the fact that somewhere between 50-70% of recently wed couples get divorced is super sad
July 23, 2024
I happened to see this audiobook was available a short while after vacationing with my family of origin. We had a great time, but it was interesting to observe patterns in all of our married relationships and it highlighted some things for me that I wanted to work on. Enter John Gottman. I loved this book and all of the helpful examples of arguments, repairs, and detrimental habits that we sometime unconsciously espouse. I’m going to be chewing on a lot of what was presented (I.e. how my husband might become flooded as I speak to him negatively; the important difference of criticism vs. complaining; the 5:1 ratio of positive and negative interactions). Highly recommend!
November 23, 2021
از نظر من کتاب‌های روانشناسی و توسعه فردی زندگی ما را متحول نمی‌کنند. اما نکاتی می‌گویند که ما در حالتِ "عه! چه جالب! پس میشه اینطوری هم فکر کرد" قرار می‌گیریم. اما اگر می‌خواهیم از حالتِ "عه! چه جالب" به "تغییر و تحول" برسیم. باید به خودمان زحمت "تمرین و تکرار و تجربه" محتوایی که خواندیم را بدهیم.
مرور کنیم و به کار بگیریم و در عمل نتیجه‌اش را ببینیم.
حالا چند کتاب روانشناسی هست که ارزش این تکرار و تمرین مداوم را دارند. بنظر من شاید برای هر آدم ۵ _ ۶ تایی بیشتر نباشد. اما آن ۵ _ ۶ تا وقتی به عمل در بیایند، آدم دیگر آدم قبلی نیست.
البته این را هم بگویم که حالت " عه! چه جالب!" هم برکات خودش را دارد. نمی‌شود از میان کارخانه آرد رد شوی و لباست آردی نشود. در معرض جهانبینی‌های مبتنی بر رشد قرار گرفتن هم به هر حال تو را رشد خواهد داد. البته که من ترجیح می‌دهم این جهانبینی را با قصه‌ها پیدا کنم نه کتاب‌های توسعه فردی.
القصه!
این ترم کلاسی داریم که خودش چندان جدید نیست اما استاد اول کلاس چند کتاب خوب معرفی کردند. از آن کتاب‌ها، هر جلسه پنجاه صفحه‌اش را می‌خوانیم و این پنجاه صفحه برای من از بقیه کلاس مفیدتر است.
اولین کتابمان همین کتاب #چرا_ازدواج_ها_موفق_میشوند_و_چرا_شکست_میخورند بود. جان گاتمن یک زوج درمان پژوهش‌گر است. شیوه کارش با آزمایش است. همه داده‌هایش عینی است. مطالعاتش را روی تعداد بالایی از زوج ها انجام می‌دهد و نتایجش را با دو دوتا چهارتا می‌گوید. این ویژگی‌اش را از این جهت که روی هوا حرف نمی‌زند دوست دارم. البته بنظرم برای همه چیز هم نمی‌شود انقدر دو دوتا چهارتا کرد.
آقای گاتمن در این کتاب نکات اساسی‌ای در زندگی زناشویی و موفقیت و شکست آن مطرح می‌کند. مخصوصا مبحث چهار عنصر مخربش که بی‌نظیر است. اگر بخواهم به آموزه‌های پنج کتاب در حوزه زندگی زناشویی عمل کنم، احتمالا این کتاب یکی از آن پنج‌تا باشد.
مرور کنیم و به کار بگیریم و در عمل نتیجه‌اش را ببینیم.
حالا چند کتاب روانشناسی هست که ارزش این تکرار و تمرین مداوم را دارند. بنظر من شاید برای هر آدم ۵ _ ۶ تایی بیشتر نباشد. اما آن ۵ _ ۶ تا وقتی به عمل در بیایند، آدم دیگر آدم قبلی نیست.
البته این را هم بگویم که حالت " عه! چه جالب!" هم برکات خودش را دارد. نمی‌شود از میان کارخانه آرد رد شوی و لباست آردی نشود. در معرض جهانبینی‌های مبتنی بر رشد قرار گرفتن هم به هر حال تو را رشد خواهد داد. البته که من ترجیح می‌دهم این جهانبینی را با قصه‌ها پیدا کنم نه کتاب‌های توسعه فردی.
القصه!
این ترم کلاسی داریم که خودش چندان جدید نیست اما استاد اول کلاس چند کتاب خوب معرفی کردند. از آن کتاب‌ها، هر جلسه پنجاه صفحه‌اش را می‌خوانیم و این پنجاه صفحه برای من از بقیه کلاس مفیدتر است.
اولین کتابمان همین کتاب #چرا_ازدواج_ها_موفق_میشوند_و_چرا_شکست_میخورند بود. جان گاتمن یک زوج درمان پژوهش‌گر است. شیوه کارش با آزمایش است. همه داده‌هایش عینی است. مطالعاتش را روی تعداد بالایی از زوج ها انجام می‌دهد و نتایجش را با دو دوتا چهارتا می‌گوید. این ویژگی‌اش را از این جهت که روی هوا حرف نمی‌زند دوست دارم. البته بنظرم برای همه چیز هم نمی‌شود انقدر دو دوتا چهارتا کرد.
آقای گاتمن در این کتاب نکات اساسی‌ای در زندگی زناشویی و موفقیت و شکست آن مطرح می‌کند. مخصوصا مبحث چهار عنصر مخربش که بی‌نظیر است. اگر بخواهم به آموزه‌های پنج کتاب در حوزه زندگی زناشویی عمل کنم، احتمالا این کتاب یکی از آن پنج‌تا باشد.
September 2, 2019
This is basically The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work with way better editing. Even though this one was written first? I get the feeling he's just writing the same book over and over again. But this book is much clearer and more concise, and I'd recommend this one if you're tying to decide between the two. (There's no reason to read both.)
There's some stuff about gender in the middle that didn't speak to me at all because I'm always the one obsessing about what's logical and poo-pooing feelings so I could have done without all the "women are typically this way while men are typically that way" stuff. Otherwise this book is great.
I really appreciate that this book doesn't advocate for saving the relationship at all costs, it doesn't try to say there's only one healthy way to have a relationship, and it doesn't claim the key is compatibility or communication. It's about attitude, effort, and finding a way to argue that works for both of you. As far as self-help books directed at relationships go, it's a good place to start.
There's some stuff about gender in the middle that didn't speak to me at all because I'm always the one obsessing about what's logical and poo-pooing feelings so I could have done without all the "women are typically this way while men are typically that way" stuff. Otherwise this book is great.
I really appreciate that this book doesn't advocate for saving the relationship at all costs, it doesn't try to say there's only one healthy way to have a relationship, and it doesn't claim the key is compatibility or communication. It's about attitude, effort, and finding a way to argue that works for both of you. As far as self-help books directed at relationships go, it's a good place to start.
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