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288 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 12, 2022
The thing about loving someone is you don’t get to do it with conditions attached. I don’t love him, expecting him to return it. I don’t love him, hoping I’ll get over it, or that I can transfer that love to someone else. I just love him. I’m starting to realize that maybe that’s enough. It’s not the easiest option, but it’s the one that makes me happy.
“That was the original plan, but it felt too claustrophobic. Like I was in a cell. Or a coffin. Sometimes I’ll go a week of writing nonstop, and when I finally come out of that weird place I go when I focus, I realize it’s been that long since I had any other human contact. At least here, I have a view of the street outside. I like seeing the sky.”
“Well, yoga, usually. And recently I’ve taken to refolding the crane you left for me, but the paper is wearing thin.” I laugh softly. “Coloring is usually the best thing because I don’t need to concentrate on it—I can fully zone out. But I didn’t realize I’d finished the books here, and doing it on a tablet isn’t the same.”
“The thing about finding someone is you have to actually leave the house.”
“I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t like the dating scene. Of the last three guys he’s set me up with, the first one I forgot about the date and stood him up, the second was scared off by the end of the first date, and the third hung around for a few weeks of banging and then totally ghosted me.”
“What?” I ask.
“Nothing.”
I cringe. “And now that I’ve epically screwed up a nice conversation, I’m going to spend the rest of the night going over and over it in my head, trying to work out what I should have said.”
“Really?” His gaze slides over me. “Why?”
“I can’t help it.”
“But it won’t make a difference.”
“I don’t do it because I think it will make a difference, I do it because I like to torture myself with all the ways I could have been better, funnier, sounded smarter or more interesting. I work out everything I would change if I could.”
“What do you want from me, then?”
“Teach me how to live with someone.”
His lips quirk. “Teach you?”
“Yes. I’m not good at it.”
“Living with people?”
“It’s more people in general.”
“Well, yes, that, but also, I’m not organized. I forget about things easily. Before you moved in, I’d order takeout or heat ramen for dinner every night. Even basic things like doing the laundry or changing my clothes feel too hard sometimes. That sounds hopeless to me.”
Do I want to go on a date with him?
No.
Should I want that?
Definitely.
Lee’s attractive. Not in the rough way that Payne is, but he’s conventionally attractive. He also seems to be nice, just like Marty said he was.
Then why do I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to go on a date with him?
The problem is, I’m not good at letting people down.
And faced with Lee’s kind eyes and hopeful expression, I say the only thing I can. “Sure. Let me give you my number.”
He hums. “I was trying to think of how to get away.”
“It’s easy. You say, ‘I’m leaving now, bye,’ and then you leave.”
Beau laughs. “It’s not that easy for me. This is what I mean. I struggle with things like that. I don’t like letting people down.”
“So, what do you write?”
He shifts in his seat. “Fantasy, mostly, with some heavy romance throughout.”
“Romance?”
“Don’t ‘romance’ me.” He pins me with a look. “Men can like love too.”
“See? He has motivation,” Beau says. “I’m not feeling that in this book. My guy should be hell-bent on getting his man back—”
“Your romance is two dudes?”
“Of course.”
I arch my head back to where his books are lined up neatly on a shelf above his desk. “I want to read one.”
“Go right ahead.”
I make a mental note to grab one of them before I head to bed later. “Are there sex scenes?”
“Yes.” His cheeks redden. “And the rules are if you read one of my books, we both pretend like you aren’t. Don’t tell me if you like it or hate it—we just act like it’s not happening.”
“Deal.” But the sex scenes have me interested. “Are they filthy scenes?”
He gets redder.
“They are!”
“Well, no, they’re—”
“How filthy are we talking?” I cross my arms and lean back into the couch.
“It’s also nice to … to have someone who …” I take a deep breath. “Who gets me. It’s nice to not feel completely hopeless some of the time.”
“Why? And why is it a race? The thing is, you don’t have to act on these hypothetical feelings. Maybe they come to nothing, or maybe you want to give them time to grow, or you’re still feeling sore from being betrayed. Wherever you’re at, just be genuine with him. Spend time with him. Show him you care, even if you’re not ready to say it.”
Money means nothing; character means everything. And when it comes to character, Payne has me beaten by a mile.
initial reactions: well, this was one HELL of a disappointment. 😞
❝ The thing about loving someone is you don´t get to do it with conditions attached. I don´t love him, expecting him to return it. I don´t love him, hoping I´ll get over it, or that I can transfer that love to someone else. I just love him. ❞