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368 pages, Paperback
First published May 9, 2023
...the act of mothering was torture. Breasts reduced to milk bags for animal rutting, sleep all but impossible to get, and the mind constantly twisted with wonder and worry for this helpless thing that would become no less helpless as it got older. An entire life devoted to the care and nurturing of another, always fearing, always convinced you were screwing up. Knowing deep down that whatever happened would be your fault. The surprising thing was that more mothers didn't lose their minds.
This was such an intense and dark read. It's kind of a creeper (in multiple ways)- one being very literally, this was an inherently unnerving read through and through. Whether it be visceral panic/terror being experienced via Olivia (or all mothers really-will come back to this) or the creepy black-haired boogeywoman lurking and drawing closer in the dark. Also, the story as a whole is very interpretive and that kinda creeps up and solidifies on you at the end. You're very much wondering what's real, and what is happening, and the whys of it all. By the end, much like Olivia, you're still left to interpret rather than all the answers being handed to you and things tied up pristenly with a pretty bow. Much like real life, I suppose. I enjoyed this aspect of the story.
Tying back in to my earlier motherhood as a whole comment, without giving too much away, I found the themes revolving around that and mental health issues in this story to be phenomenally done. I never experienced postpartum but I have experienced motherhood and I think we all have that little voice, that voice that questions every action at times:
If you're making the right decisions.
If you're good enough and even sometimes good at all.
The one that compares you to all these other moms out there and tells you you're doing it wrong, it's not enough, you're failing.
The voice that remembers the you before and how different and unsure and frazzled you can be now. Or how your body has changed. How sometimes you don't recognize that person staring back at you in the mirror.
The one that even when you get a moment you feel okay in the mom space- it creeps in and whispers about the laundry and dishes piling up or that you haven't even showered, or that you've not been 'in the mood' too often lately, or even checked in with friends or family, etc.
I think this voice is universal and Monroe harnesses and amplifies it in such a way it quite literally is a living and breathing down your neck presence.
I've read a handful of other books by Monroe and enjoyed most in very different ways. She's a versatile writer and I'm consistently surprised with how unique her stories are and how fully she commits to any genre she is writing in, as if that's all she writes and she's an old pro. I guess I have to stop being surprised at this point and just know whatever is coming next will likely wow me in some new fantastic way.
I received an ARC of this book from Poisoned Pen Press via NetGalley and this is my honest review.
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