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Men & Women: Enjoying the Difference
What does it take to get along for a lifetime? Men and women share a deadly problem that kills good relating. The problem is this: we are committed, first of all, to ourselves. Each of us, without blushing, holds fast to an overriding concern for our own well-being. Giving numerous examples from his counseling and speaking ministry, Crabb explores how we can turn away from ourselves and toward each other, how we can become what he calls "other-centered." Dr. Crabb maintains that men and women are different in important ways that, if understood and honored, can lead to a deep enjoyment of one another, an enjoyment that can last forever.
240 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1991
About the author
Larry Crabb
82 books226 followersLarry Crabb is a well-known Christian psychologist, conference and seminar speaker, Bible teacher, and author of more than 25 books—including his most recent, When God’s Ways Make No Sense and two Gold Medallion award-winners Inside Out and Understanding People. He is also the founder/director of NewWay Ministries & most recently his "legacy ministry", LargerStory.com. In addition to various other speaking and teaching opportunities, Crabb offers a week-long School of Spiritual Direction held each year here at The Cove and the Glen Eyrie in CO. He currently is scholar-in-residence at Colorado Christian University. Larry and his wife of 50 years, Rachael, reside near Charlotte, N.C.
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Displaying 1 - 23 of 23 reviews
March 22, 2023
Some of his more abstract discussions (especially when it came to the Trinity as a model for relationship) were less than satisfactory, but his thesis that marital turmoil ultimately stems from self-centeredness, along with his practical advice toward the end were exceptional.
December 27, 2021
This book taught me that the main problem in every marriage is selfishness. I gleaned some good applications from this book. Another main thread is the differences between the traditional and egalitarian views of marriage and how they affect the relationships. Finally, he tells us what men and women need to be loved, and how the love they express is uniquely delivered by their God-given designs as men and women. Part philosophy and part theology, this book is more high-minded than the average marriage book on the shelves, and it can be redundant at times, making it more challenging to read. However, if you are willing to mine the jewels, you'll come out with a treasure in the end.
May 22, 2021
I listened to the audiobook of this. As I'm entering a new season in life, of course I want to read books about it.
Crabb has long been a favorite, his practical and biblical advice have helped me a lot. His book Connecting is one I feel every Christian adult should read.
What I loved about this book:
~ Crabb's characteristic humility and calmness he brings to all his books
~ Addressing selfishness right off the bat and continuing to deal with it.
~ The way he presented the differences of men and women as going beyond biology and being soul level.
What kept this from being 5 stars
Honestly, he was just to vague at times. I know he said he was still working out his ideas. I also like how he was so balanced, but some things were just too nebulas to even seem to have been worth putting in the book.
Content warning: As you would expect sex is a topic that is discussed and refranced.
Crabb has long been a favorite, his practical and biblical advice have helped me a lot. His book Connecting is one I feel every Christian adult should read.
What I loved about this book:
~ Crabb's characteristic humility and calmness he brings to all his books
~ Addressing selfishness right off the bat and continuing to deal with it.
~ The way he presented the differences of men and women as going beyond biology and being soul level.
What kept this from being 5 stars
Honestly, he was just to vague at times. I know he said he was still working out his ideas. I also like how he was so balanced, but some things were just too nebulas to even seem to have been worth putting in the book.
Content warning: As you would expect sex is a topic that is discussed and refranced.
January 14, 2014
Every book I've read about the differences between men and women (secular or Christian) immediately focuses on either emotions or behavior and never mentioned ENJOYING them! Why women think as they do...Why men act as they do...Dr. Crabb leaves his "anatomy" lesson for the last quarter (beginning at chapter 8 of 12 in the book)! He comes out of the gate defining why intentions and motivations matter more than feelings and actions. As a licensed psychologist and Christian counselor, he argues that not only is the current trend of therapy to "heal" the self-esteem or "build confidence" in a patient in order to heal broken relationships (i.e. marriages) fruitless but it is actually making matters worse!
Dr. Crabb drives his point home by clearly stating his thesis in the chapter called "The REAL Problem," and I am paraphrasing:
Until we stop being so self-focused and become "OTHER-centered," our relationships don't stand a chance--regardless of what the biological and psychological differences are between a man and a woman!
Crabb goes on to argue that, without God's mercy and our own understanding of the need for forgiveness, we will never be able to reach the goal of becoming "other-centered."
So his two-step process involves first a humble petition to God to help us see our own shortcomings (i.e. human-ness) and then to allow us to use the differences he designed into us (i.e. man-ness and female-ness) so that we may bless others (i.e. our partner of the opposite sex) in a way that will bring out what God intended for our partner to be.
This is no short order! Crabb tears apart how counseling (especially psychotherapy) does not statistically SOLVE the relational problems because it tends to make the patient more focused on him/herself! How many of us have spent $1000s in marriage or relationship counseling to realize we've just been digging a deeper hole? Ugh!
The poignancy of Crabb's argument is brought home in his analysis that male and female humans were BUILT to relate, but since the fall of Adam and Eve have been cursed in this regard. When we put ourselves above God and everyone else, we are blinded to our own faults (i.e. the "log" in our own eye, Matt. 7). Crabb uses this physical example to demonstrate the personal sexuality differences between man and woman:
Men feel complete as they "strongly enter" into a relationship, and women feel enjoyed as they "warmly invite" (p. 163). Crabb does not shy away from the legalists who define the differences as pragmatic ROLES, nor does he back away from the egalitarians that defend the equal-partnership marriage to the death. Crabb meets somewhere in between and argues that it's not about roles or worth...it's about intention.
If I do what I can to bless my husband even (or especially) when he deserves otherwise--then he sees my action as an invitation to ENTER into a connection instead of continuing to defend the distance between us. My femininity is then the PERFECT WEAPON against his throes of selfishness! And vice-versa...If I am treating my husband with disrespect and pushing him away with unkind or domineering words, he can choose to bless me with his confident strength that always melts my heart. He loves his wife. She respects her husband. Not only does Crabb deliver a believable argument with his analysis and experience, but also he shores its credibility by backing it up every step of the way with scripture!
This book gets 5 stars - it's worth a read!
Dr. Crabb drives his point home by clearly stating his thesis in the chapter called "The REAL Problem," and I am paraphrasing:
Until we stop being so self-focused and become "OTHER-centered," our relationships don't stand a chance--regardless of what the biological and psychological differences are between a man and a woman!
Crabb goes on to argue that, without God's mercy and our own understanding of the need for forgiveness, we will never be able to reach the goal of becoming "other-centered."
So his two-step process involves first a humble petition to God to help us see our own shortcomings (i.e. human-ness) and then to allow us to use the differences he designed into us (i.e. man-ness and female-ness) so that we may bless others (i.e. our partner of the opposite sex) in a way that will bring out what God intended for our partner to be.
This is no short order! Crabb tears apart how counseling (especially psychotherapy) does not statistically SOLVE the relational problems because it tends to make the patient more focused on him/herself! How many of us have spent $1000s in marriage or relationship counseling to realize we've just been digging a deeper hole? Ugh!
The poignancy of Crabb's argument is brought home in his analysis that male and female humans were BUILT to relate, but since the fall of Adam and Eve have been cursed in this regard. When we put ourselves above God and everyone else, we are blinded to our own faults (i.e. the "log" in our own eye, Matt. 7). Crabb uses this physical example to demonstrate the personal sexuality differences between man and woman:
Men feel complete as they "strongly enter" into a relationship, and women feel enjoyed as they "warmly invite" (p. 163). Crabb does not shy away from the legalists who define the differences as pragmatic ROLES, nor does he back away from the egalitarians that defend the equal-partnership marriage to the death. Crabb meets somewhere in between and argues that it's not about roles or worth...it's about intention.
If I do what I can to bless my husband even (or especially) when he deserves otherwise--then he sees my action as an invitation to ENTER into a connection instead of continuing to defend the distance between us. My femininity is then the PERFECT WEAPON against his throes of selfishness! And vice-versa...If I am treating my husband with disrespect and pushing him away with unkind or domineering words, he can choose to bless me with his confident strength that always melts my heart. He loves his wife. She respects her husband. Not only does Crabb deliver a believable argument with his analysis and experience, but also he shores its credibility by backing it up every step of the way with scripture!
This book gets 5 stars - it's worth a read!
September 9, 2012
The helpfulness of this book surprised me. Crabb takes a good, theraputic and biblical look at how men and women are different at the level of the soul and why/how that impacts interdependence and intimacy. I came to this book with low expectations (mostly because of how old it is) and left encouraged and inspired!
July 26, 2016
Meh. I liked the first part about selfishness. But the second half (the part that was about the differences) was vague. It's not that I didn't agree with what Crabb said. It's that he didn't say anything at all.
December 22, 2022
I picked up this book wanting to get the author's perspective and insight on the differences between men and women hoping it would help me be more effective in relationships. It was helpful. He shed some light on some things I had never considered before.
I didn't expect there to be much discussion on the complimentarian / egalitarian debate that has been going on within the church but that fit well into the theme of the book. He offered a somewhat alternative approach to roles within marriage than what the complementarian or egalitarian views tend to teach. And I think it would be good for all Christians to consider his perspective in this area.
My only criticism is that the book got a bit wordy and he seemed to ramble on in certain areas which made it somewhat arduous at times to get through.
I didn't expect there to be much discussion on the complimentarian / egalitarian debate that has been going on within the church but that fit well into the theme of the book. He offered a somewhat alternative approach to roles within marriage than what the complementarian or egalitarian views tend to teach. And I think it would be good for all Christians to consider his perspective in this area.
My only criticism is that the book got a bit wordy and he seemed to ramble on in certain areas which made it somewhat arduous at times to get through.
September 7, 2020
A delightful book that tricks you into thinking your going to be hearing about the difference between genders and then spends the first two thirds slamming you for being a completely selfish inconsiderate narcissist (which we could all use hearing a bit more often). I would definitely recommend it, although I would have appreciated a bit more boldness or specificity in the eventual gender difference discussion.
April 24, 2024
I took this book slow. Very slow. Several years slow, in fact. 🫣 but I like it. Larry Crabb reminded me that: My own self-centeredness is the biggest threat in our marriage. My humble repentance is vital to our marriage's happiness. Being filled with the love and grace of God is the remedy to marital stress.
July 15, 2018
Really liked this one. It was very practical, convicting, and not about rules/roles but grace and service in a marriage. Would definitely recommend.
February 5, 2021
Enjoyed the book, very good exposition of the differences between men and women generally, but also in the marriage context. Opens up a different view over obedience for both genders.
April 20, 2021
There really is a difference…and it’s beautiful
https://stephen-l-france.com/
Dr Larry Crabb’s book ‘Men of Courage’ inspired me to read ‘Men and Women: enjoying the difference.’
I wanted to hear the perspective of this author on how this well-known, controversial verse plays out today:
“Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her…”
Ephesians 5:24-25
I’ve committed myself to extensive research on the applicable Kingdom principles of a Godly man, consciously allowing myself to be unhindered by my human feelings, understanding, logic, and rationale in opening myself up to the greater purpose of God’s loving will. Not an easy activity to do when the world is actively pressing the message that there’s no difference between men and women.
In reading ‘Men and Woman,’ I thought it would be interesting to learn about the woman’s side within Kingdom life.
I thoroughly enjoyed the initial premise on which Larry commenced his exposition.
He compared the egalitarian perspective and the traditional, conservative application of the differences between husband and wife highlighted in Scripture.
The author then queried the follies of each viewpoint.
He suggested that their focus was incorrect, because both points of view inevitably lead to self-centredness and away from the selflessness advocated by Jesus Christ.
The book then spent time exploring this and arrived at a clear conclusion: The enjoyment of gender difference comes from ‘other-centredness’ over self-centred attitudes, which thankfully doesn't conflict with what the Scriptures tell us.
With this conclusion emerging early on in the book, the reader is then escorted through a presentation of these viewpoints and how they materialise.
It’s clear that if we as Christian men are thinking to ourselves: “I’m going to be more masculine” or as husbands, say: “I’m the headship of this house, you must submit to me,” we will stumble and fall very hard.
However, if we operate out of selflessness or ‘other-centredness’ as it’s titled in this book, we will naturally produce God’s design for manhood without force or coercion.
The same goes for women. If females choose to focus on the ‘other-centredness’ of a life with God, they will cultivate God’s design for womanhood without planning or manipulation.
As a reader, I could see that the traditionalist approach in marriage—with reference to the aforementioned verses—could easily create a legalist application within marriage. This might then bring about deep resentment that the couple may conceal for the sake of appearing ‘Christian’ and a profound unhappiness that strangles their vocation in the Lord.
Similarly, the egalitarian approach could inspire a couple to disobey God’s Spiritual leading and Word all together, practising lifestyle innovations that reveal conspicuous pride and rebellion against God’s design.
I really enjoyed the conclusion of this book that clarified what our focus should be.
I paraphrase and conclude this review with it:
“The concept of masculinity and femininity within Christian life are not rules or roles to conform to, but natural expressions of God’s design when we’re focused on ‘other-centredness’ [better known as Christ-likeness or the high calling of Holiness].
https://stephen-l-france.com/
https://stephen-l-france.com/
Dr Larry Crabb’s book ‘Men of Courage’ inspired me to read ‘Men and Women: enjoying the difference.’
I wanted to hear the perspective of this author on how this well-known, controversial verse plays out today:
“Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her…”
Ephesians 5:24-25
I’ve committed myself to extensive research on the applicable Kingdom principles of a Godly man, consciously allowing myself to be unhindered by my human feelings, understanding, logic, and rationale in opening myself up to the greater purpose of God’s loving will. Not an easy activity to do when the world is actively pressing the message that there’s no difference between men and women.
In reading ‘Men and Woman,’ I thought it would be interesting to learn about the woman’s side within Kingdom life.
I thoroughly enjoyed the initial premise on which Larry commenced his exposition.
He compared the egalitarian perspective and the traditional, conservative application of the differences between husband and wife highlighted in Scripture.
The author then queried the follies of each viewpoint.
He suggested that their focus was incorrect, because both points of view inevitably lead to self-centredness and away from the selflessness advocated by Jesus Christ.
The book then spent time exploring this and arrived at a clear conclusion: The enjoyment of gender difference comes from ‘other-centredness’ over self-centred attitudes, which thankfully doesn't conflict with what the Scriptures tell us.
With this conclusion emerging early on in the book, the reader is then escorted through a presentation of these viewpoints and how they materialise.
It’s clear that if we as Christian men are thinking to ourselves: “I’m going to be more masculine” or as husbands, say: “I’m the headship of this house, you must submit to me,” we will stumble and fall very hard.
However, if we operate out of selflessness or ‘other-centredness’ as it’s titled in this book, we will naturally produce God’s design for manhood without force or coercion.
The same goes for women. If females choose to focus on the ‘other-centredness’ of a life with God, they will cultivate God’s design for womanhood without planning or manipulation.
As a reader, I could see that the traditionalist approach in marriage—with reference to the aforementioned verses—could easily create a legalist application within marriage. This might then bring about deep resentment that the couple may conceal for the sake of appearing ‘Christian’ and a profound unhappiness that strangles their vocation in the Lord.
Similarly, the egalitarian approach could inspire a couple to disobey God’s Spiritual leading and Word all together, practising lifestyle innovations that reveal conspicuous pride and rebellion against God’s design.
I really enjoyed the conclusion of this book that clarified what our focus should be.
I paraphrase and conclude this review with it:
“The concept of masculinity and femininity within Christian life are not rules or roles to conform to, but natural expressions of God’s design when we’re focused on ‘other-centredness’ [better known as Christ-likeness or the high calling of Holiness].
https://stephen-l-france.com/
July 22, 2015
Men and Women: Enjoying the Difference (1991/2013) by Larry Crabb sets out to explore gender differences, particularly within the marital relationship. Having said that, I believe that a substantial part of this book would be useful to anyone, married or not.
Men and Women is a practical exploration of the notion of relational sin, and particularly our tendency to be self-centered. Crabb argues that when things go wrong in relationships, the primary reason is that people are committed first of all to themselves. On page 23, he wrote "it is the act of putting ourselves at the center of the universe, where God belongs, that is unqualified sin." That thesis drives the remainder of the book.
Having done his homework, Crabb explores the two typical "camps" of understanding biblical marriage, what he terms the egalitarian and the traditionalist. He believes that problems ultimately emerge from both of these traditional understandings, on the one hand suffocating legalism and on the other self-expressing freedom. the problem with both of them is that they are self-, rather than other-, centered. In typical Crabb fashion, he describes things in a fresh way that others don't always grasp while remaining firmly committed to Scripture.
Men and Women is a great book for the health of marriages, but I would say that it is also an excellent book for relationships in general. I am committed to the notion of self-denial as essential Christian teaching and this book gets right to that heart
Men and Women is a practical exploration of the notion of relational sin, and particularly our tendency to be self-centered. Crabb argues that when things go wrong in relationships, the primary reason is that people are committed first of all to themselves. On page 23, he wrote "it is the act of putting ourselves at the center of the universe, where God belongs, that is unqualified sin." That thesis drives the remainder of the book.
Having done his homework, Crabb explores the two typical "camps" of understanding biblical marriage, what he terms the egalitarian and the traditionalist. He believes that problems ultimately emerge from both of these traditional understandings, on the one hand suffocating legalism and on the other self-expressing freedom. the problem with both of them is that they are self-, rather than other-, centered. In typical Crabb fashion, he describes things in a fresh way that others don't always grasp while remaining firmly committed to Scripture.
Men and Women is a great book for the health of marriages, but I would say that it is also an excellent book for relationships in general. I am committed to the notion of self-denial as essential Christian teaching and this book gets right to that heart
July 15, 2015
"Read and keep as resource. Larry Crabb doesn't address the topic of gender until the second half of this book on marriage and gender roles. The first half is about our own selfishness and sinful motives that usually color the debate. This is absolutely the correct way to begin the book, and makes it a great book for general Christian maturity even outside of the gender issues it eventually addresses.
When he does get to gender differences, he keeps the emphasis on how our differences are built to fulfill the other in relationship, rather than on roles and specifics. As always, Crabb hits the nail on the head with where our hearts need to change. If our focus is on what the other needs and how we can meet those needs, we will naturally express our gender differences.
In the last few chapters he addresses headship and submission, but by this point it is clear that what is needed is headship that moves into the woman's life for the purpose of satisfying her desires, and submission that invites the husband in to know and enjoy. This is a new, creation-centered approach to the old discussion that unhelpfully divides the issue along the lines of "where is the authority in relationships.""
When he does get to gender differences, he keeps the emphasis on how our differences are built to fulfill the other in relationship, rather than on roles and specifics. As always, Crabb hits the nail on the head with where our hearts need to change. If our focus is on what the other needs and how we can meet those needs, we will naturally express our gender differences.
In the last few chapters he addresses headship and submission, but by this point it is clear that what is needed is headship that moves into the woman's life for the purpose of satisfying her desires, and submission that invites the husband in to know and enjoy. This is a new, creation-centered approach to the old discussion that unhelpfully divides the issue along the lines of "where is the authority in relationships.""
April 23, 2014
What I loved about this book was that the entire first half of the book hardly mentioned marriage or roles and instead dug into the core problem of our individual selfishness. I found it convicting and refreshing. The second half of the book is Crabb attempting to present his view of roles in marriage (he is complementarian but doesn't appreciate much of the presuppositions he finds in the complementarian camp). This section is just one of many voices in the current debate, with the benefit of adding the experience of a counselor. He believes that we are different but equal in worth, and are called to serve each other with our unique differences.
June 16, 2019
Brilliant and helpful look at how men and women are different, and how the problems we face stem from our own self centredness! A helpful book for anybody to read, but especially married couples, with practical advice and yet no telling you what to do specifically, this book is full of wisdom and ways to look at our relationships in a new light!
December 29, 2010
always good to read up on relationship advice
January 24, 2013
Deals with the core issue in relationships.
January 20, 2014
excellent! one of the best books i read on the topic. i read it in two days, it was so helpful! met Dr.Crabb at a conference at my church in Toronto. ;)
March 15, 2015
Study with Gregg Knoll & Gary Goldfain. Fun to work through this topic with Gary while dating Karby.
April 24, 2015
Extremely thoughtful and helpful insights.
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March 20, 2008248.8
February 25, 2019
I plan to read this book more than once! I loved it.
Displaying 1 - 23 of 23 reviews