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The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert
John Gottman has revolutionized the study of marriage by using rigorous scientific procedures to observe the habits of married couples in unprecedented detail over many years. Here is the culmination of his life's work: the seven principles that guide couples on the path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship. Packed with practical questionnaires and exercises, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the definitive guide for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest potential.
271 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1999
About the author
John M. Gottman
90 books1,730 followersDr. Gottman was one of the Top 10 Most Influential Therapists of the past quarter-century by the Psychotherapy Networker. He is the author or co-author of over 200 published academic articles and more than 40 books, including the bestselling The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work; What Makes Love Last; Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love; The Relationship Cure; Why Marriages Succeed or Fail; and Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child — among many others. Dr. Gottman’s media appearances include Good Morning America, Today, CBS Morning News, and Oprah, as well articles in The New York Times, Ladies Home Journal, Redbook, Glamour, Woman’s Day, People, Self, Reader’s Digest, and Psychology Today.
Co-founder of The Gottman Institute and co-founder of Affective Software, Inc. with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, John was also the Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute. He is Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington, where he founded “The Love Lab” at which much of his research on couples’ interactions was conducted.
Co-founder of The Gottman Institute and co-founder of Affective Software, Inc. with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, John was also the Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute. He is Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington, where he founded “The Love Lab” at which much of his research on couples’ interactions was conducted.
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January 7, 2016
John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work provides in detail the ways in which a person could have a healthy marriage and by extension the principles also generally apply to romantic relationships in general and perhaps even just friendships. I'll put this principles in my own words to make them more perspicuous; you can read the book if you want his words.
The first principle is to increase your knowledge about each other. You ought to be able to know, for example, who your significant other doesn't like at work. You should also know his or her life philosophy. And what her deepest dreams are. Etc.
The second principle is about nurturing your fondness and admiration for each other. This involves first looking at your partner worthy of dignity and respect. Too often in a relationship you can get hung up on how you don't like your partner's habits or you don't like some of these fundamental differences in attitude he or she has from you. By focusing again on your partner's positive characteristics, reminding yourself why you like or love this person in the first place, will help you re-center your relationship.
The third principle is turning to your partner to communicate about the mundane stuff of life. If you haven't begun to or forgotten how to enjoy talking to your partner about your everyday activities or his or her everyday activities, it would be good to re-light that fire, to just be able to talk about work, problems, what you have been thinking about lately, what you saw that day, etc. Gottman writes that everyday you cherish this time and you act encouraging toward your partner at this time, it is like putting money in the emotional bank, which really helps when time gets tough.
The fourth principle is letting your partner influence you. Since a relationship is give-and-take, and since it would be a mathematical impossibility for you to be right all the time, be willing to let your partner's decision influence what you think or your actions or whatever. Allowing for this give-and-take and not being obstinate goes a long way.
The fifth principle is solving your solvable problems. Some of the problems, say maybe 30%, of the problems you have are solvable problems. This is because they are mainly situational problems. If you begin to make changes in your schedule with respect to each other, or in little ways of doing things, you will be able to deal with each other a lot more easily.
The sixth principle is "overcoming gridlock." Probably about 70% of the problems that a couple has together is a matter of deep fundamental differences you two have. It is okay to have differences. For example, perhaps you are someone who is always interested in saving money and your partner is someone who is always interested in having a good time (which occasionally means that spending money won't be an important issue for him or her). You won't be able to change each other about these deep fundamental issues, so it calls for a compromise; this is "overcoming gridlock." You can begin to make compromises regarding this, say, by making a budget together and then allowing each other to freely spend within that budget. (Perhaps this isn't the best example, but it's the best I could do for the moment.) The important thing is is that you work to compromise and get through these differences.
The seventh principle is creating "shared meaning." This might not seem very specific, but what Gottman means is that you create a culture in which the two of you live, and if you have children within the three, four, five, nth number of you live. You create rituals for yourself, you celebrate special holidays, you honor certain rites of passage, you create duties and obligations and practices for yourself within your family unit. This is the real, deep stuff that one might call spiritual.
Gottman provides a lot of activities and exercises throughout the way, little games that you can play with your partner or with other couples to improve and increase the strength of your relationship. This is a wonderful wonderful book.
The first principle is to increase your knowledge about each other. You ought to be able to know, for example, who your significant other doesn't like at work. You should also know his or her life philosophy. And what her deepest dreams are. Etc.
The second principle is about nurturing your fondness and admiration for each other. This involves first looking at your partner worthy of dignity and respect. Too often in a relationship you can get hung up on how you don't like your partner's habits or you don't like some of these fundamental differences in attitude he or she has from you. By focusing again on your partner's positive characteristics, reminding yourself why you like or love this person in the first place, will help you re-center your relationship.
The third principle is turning to your partner to communicate about the mundane stuff of life. If you haven't begun to or forgotten how to enjoy talking to your partner about your everyday activities or his or her everyday activities, it would be good to re-light that fire, to just be able to talk about work, problems, what you have been thinking about lately, what you saw that day, etc. Gottman writes that everyday you cherish this time and you act encouraging toward your partner at this time, it is like putting money in the emotional bank, which really helps when time gets tough.
The fourth principle is letting your partner influence you. Since a relationship is give-and-take, and since it would be a mathematical impossibility for you to be right all the time, be willing to let your partner's decision influence what you think or your actions or whatever. Allowing for this give-and-take and not being obstinate goes a long way.
The fifth principle is solving your solvable problems. Some of the problems, say maybe 30%, of the problems you have are solvable problems. This is because they are mainly situational problems. If you begin to make changes in your schedule with respect to each other, or in little ways of doing things, you will be able to deal with each other a lot more easily.
The sixth principle is "overcoming gridlock." Probably about 70% of the problems that a couple has together is a matter of deep fundamental differences you two have. It is okay to have differences. For example, perhaps you are someone who is always interested in saving money and your partner is someone who is always interested in having a good time (which occasionally means that spending money won't be an important issue for him or her). You won't be able to change each other about these deep fundamental issues, so it calls for a compromise; this is "overcoming gridlock." You can begin to make compromises regarding this, say, by making a budget together and then allowing each other to freely spend within that budget. (Perhaps this isn't the best example, but it's the best I could do for the moment.) The important thing is is that you work to compromise and get through these differences.
The seventh principle is creating "shared meaning." This might not seem very specific, but what Gottman means is that you create a culture in which the two of you live, and if you have children within the three, four, five, nth number of you live. You create rituals for yourself, you celebrate special holidays, you honor certain rites of passage, you create duties and obligations and practices for yourself within your family unit. This is the real, deep stuff that one might call spiritual.
Gottman provides a lot of activities and exercises throughout the way, little games that you can play with your partner or with other couples to improve and increase the strength of your relationship. This is a wonderful wonderful book.
August 20, 2012
If you can get past Gottman's ego in the first few chapters, you'll find some very sensible and useful advice from his extensive study of couples. Some of it seems obvious, some not, but all the content worthwhile to review at some level, probably every 5 years or so. There are even questionnaire/exercises in each chapter.
Some key points (from memory)
Be friends; invest time daily in knowing what/who's bothering or exciting the other; don't necessarily try to "fix" unresolvable conflicts (you don't actually need to to have a great marriage); be aware of negative patterns of communication that creep up (the "four horseman" of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling), be sure to dive deep into past family patterns & narratives; explore all the hard topics (money, kids, caring for parents); and other stuff.
Some key points (from memory)
Be friends; invest time daily in knowing what/who's bothering or exciting the other; don't necessarily try to "fix" unresolvable conflicts (you don't actually need to to have a great marriage); be aware of negative patterns of communication that creep up (the "four horseman" of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling), be sure to dive deep into past family patterns & narratives; explore all the hard topics (money, kids, caring for parents); and other stuff.
June 21, 2009
I wanted to dislike this book. The title looks like a bald-faced rip-off of Stephen Covey and the author seems to think he's the only person who has ever had a profound thought about marriage. Gottman proclaims that his ideas are different, but there are many similarities between his prescriptions and those of the therapists he disdains. Still, my full head of righteous indignation was wasted, because Gottman won me over by the end.
First, some background. Early in my own marriage I took a series of parenting classes taught by our community's own black-belt of child raising, Linda Jessup. While the focus was parenting, the skills and concepts are the same for marriage (actually they also work at the office, hiring contractors for your house, and many other situations). In these classes I learned many of the skills mentioned in the book, and I can honestly say much of the happiness in my life derives from those early classes.
Anyone who has talked to me about relationships has heard me talk about what I call the "OTMC" ("One True Method of Communication"). I learned it from Linda, but I found it to be one of the few consistent threads in all the self-help books I’ve read. The OTMC goes as follows: "When you do _____, I feel ____". It takes some practice, and can easily be misused (things like, "When you act like an idiot, I feel like strangling you" are not the OTMC!), but it really does work. While Gottman initially distances himself from the OTMC, he comes around eventually and I did learn a lot from his treatment ("re-learned" is more accurate). Gottman does a good job explaining that there is more to the OTMC than the sentence structure. These include avoiding what he calls the "harsh startup", and avoiding the words "always" and "never".
Linda used to say, "It's easier to build a relationship on respect than on love." Gottman expands on this, and I think he's spot on. He says he can tell the state of a couple's marriage in three minutes of observation. At first I thought that statement was arrogant and far-fetched, but as I read, and remembered Linda's saying, plus the observations I've made of couples I know, I now think it's probably true. Another area of agreement between Linda and Gottman is the concept of the "emotional bank account". I particularly like his concept of "letting your partner influence you". I also liked the idea of "love maps" and the exercises which probe how much you know of the inner thoughts and history of your partner.
I think Linda would approve of this book. What I'm not so sure about is whether you can learn these skills effectively from a book. Gottman gives many examples of untrained partners in his book, but that’s not a complete substitute for a trained instructor who can find examples in your own life. Also, the exercises you need to perform to become "trained" are likely to make you feel awkward and uncomfortable, so book readers may skip them. In a class, everybody is embarrassed, but you get through it.
First, some background. Early in my own marriage I took a series of parenting classes taught by our community's own black-belt of child raising, Linda Jessup. While the focus was parenting, the skills and concepts are the same for marriage (actually they also work at the office, hiring contractors for your house, and many other situations). In these classes I learned many of the skills mentioned in the book, and I can honestly say much of the happiness in my life derives from those early classes.
Anyone who has talked to me about relationships has heard me talk about what I call the "OTMC" ("One True Method of Communication"). I learned it from Linda, but I found it to be one of the few consistent threads in all the self-help books I’ve read. The OTMC goes as follows: "When you do _____, I feel ____". It takes some practice, and can easily be misused (things like, "When you act like an idiot, I feel like strangling you" are not the OTMC!), but it really does work. While Gottman initially distances himself from the OTMC, he comes around eventually and I did learn a lot from his treatment ("re-learned" is more accurate). Gottman does a good job explaining that there is more to the OTMC than the sentence structure. These include avoiding what he calls the "harsh startup", and avoiding the words "always" and "never".
Linda used to say, "It's easier to build a relationship on respect than on love." Gottman expands on this, and I think he's spot on. He says he can tell the state of a couple's marriage in three minutes of observation. At first I thought that statement was arrogant and far-fetched, but as I read, and remembered Linda's saying, plus the observations I've made of couples I know, I now think it's probably true. Another area of agreement between Linda and Gottman is the concept of the "emotional bank account". I particularly like his concept of "letting your partner influence you". I also liked the idea of "love maps" and the exercises which probe how much you know of the inner thoughts and history of your partner.
I think Linda would approve of this book. What I'm not so sure about is whether you can learn these skills effectively from a book. Gottman gives many examples of untrained partners in his book, but that’s not a complete substitute for a trained instructor who can find examples in your own life. Also, the exercises you need to perform to become "trained" are likely to make you feel awkward and uncomfortable, so book readers may skip them. In a class, everybody is embarrassed, but you get through it.
April 28, 2021
I'm confused by John Gottman. His work is mentioned respectfully by sociologists and other therapists: he went into his Love Lab and figured out what makes relationships fall apart, it's kind of revolutionary. And then the big insight is that if people get really worked up about mundane disagreements to the point that they're making shitty personal attacks on their partner or shutting down and not engaging in the discussion, the marriage is probably not going to work. It's less a primer on how to make marriage work and more on how to have conversations like an adult.
Which I mean fine, I'm sure there's a market for guides on interpersonal relations for the emotionally stunted. I just hope that the advice in here is tailored to be comprehensible to that audience and Gottman doesn't actually believe a lot of this stuff. Otherwise this is more interesting as a meta-psychology text on the dysfunctional relationship ideas a respected researcher actually holds. I dunno, maybe I'm the crazy one: he's the professor and I'm just some guy. But he's also from a different generation, and I feel like a lot of the practical advice comes off as circa 1950s datedness.
Emotional labor belongs to the aggrieved spouse. The way it's pitched in Seven Principles is that when your husband doesn't do the laundry for the nth goddamn time even though you told him to, it's your responsibility to broach the subject amicably so that the conversation doesn't get emotionally charged. Not that it's his responsibility to hear the criticism like the adult he ostensibly is and handle it in a mature way. You've gotta do the laundry because he didn't, and you also have to work to be okay with that. I hope that this is canted the way it is deliberately, like that the husband keeps shutting down in conversations, so your self-help book has to extend him an olive branch so that he can interact with it productively.
Women enjoy emotional labor because of hunter-gatherer societies. I don't know why this is even in here. It's not supported by any kind of experimental results from his research because it's evo-psych handwaviness, which is never supported by any kind of experimental results. I hazard the guess that it's an attempt to allow the reader to intellectualize the differences in communication style between themselves and their spouse? How about just "some people respond differently to conflict, and that's fine" with no need for the tooth fairy.
You should clean your house so that your wife will fuck you. Really? We're doing the quid pro quo thing now? The argument is not that you should do your share of housework because you care about your partner's comfort and value your shared living space--no, you should know that research shows greater sexual frequency in partnerships where the man does more cleaning. It's just so tactless and dated, a leering drunken uncle mumbling about your sex life. I'm forced to conclude that either this is deliberately pandering to the heteronormative ownership paradigm, like these are the terms he feels he has to use with his target audience, or that John Gottman himself is an emotionally retarded weirdo.
Overall I get the feeling that this is intended for the sort of people who get into screaming matches with their partners in Wal-Mart parking lots because they bought the wrong brand of bottled water, and you only did it because you don't care about me, you're just like your drunk of a father and you're going to die alone, I hate you etc. If you're already an adult in non-chronological ways there isn't much here. Gottman frequently refers to "Four Horsemen," the major signs that a relationship is going to end; I can't remember them other than contempt, but my partner and I have adopted the term sarcastically, e.g. "honey why didn't you like my Facebook post; not liking my Facebook posts is one of the Four Horsemen." I didn't take anything away other than that.
Which I mean fine, I'm sure there's a market for guides on interpersonal relations for the emotionally stunted. I just hope that the advice in here is tailored to be comprehensible to that audience and Gottman doesn't actually believe a lot of this stuff. Otherwise this is more interesting as a meta-psychology text on the dysfunctional relationship ideas a respected researcher actually holds. I dunno, maybe I'm the crazy one: he's the professor and I'm just some guy. But he's also from a different generation, and I feel like a lot of the practical advice comes off as circa 1950s datedness.
Emotional labor belongs to the aggrieved spouse. The way it's pitched in Seven Principles is that when your husband doesn't do the laundry for the nth goddamn time even though you told him to, it's your responsibility to broach the subject amicably so that the conversation doesn't get emotionally charged. Not that it's his responsibility to hear the criticism like the adult he ostensibly is and handle it in a mature way. You've gotta do the laundry because he didn't, and you also have to work to be okay with that. I hope that this is canted the way it is deliberately, like that the husband keeps shutting down in conversations, so your self-help book has to extend him an olive branch so that he can interact with it productively.
Women enjoy emotional labor because of hunter-gatherer societies. I don't know why this is even in here. It's not supported by any kind of experimental results from his research because it's evo-psych handwaviness, which is never supported by any kind of experimental results. I hazard the guess that it's an attempt to allow the reader to intellectualize the differences in communication style between themselves and their spouse? How about just "some people respond differently to conflict, and that's fine" with no need for the tooth fairy.
You should clean your house so that your wife will fuck you. Really? We're doing the quid pro quo thing now? The argument is not that you should do your share of housework because you care about your partner's comfort and value your shared living space--no, you should know that research shows greater sexual frequency in partnerships where the man does more cleaning. It's just so tactless and dated, a leering drunken uncle mumbling about your sex life. I'm forced to conclude that either this is deliberately pandering to the heteronormative ownership paradigm, like these are the terms he feels he has to use with his target audience, or that John Gottman himself is an emotionally retarded weirdo.
Overall I get the feeling that this is intended for the sort of people who get into screaming matches with their partners in Wal-Mart parking lots because they bought the wrong brand of bottled water, and you only did it because you don't care about me, you're just like your drunk of a father and you're going to die alone, I hate you etc. If you're already an adult in non-chronological ways there isn't much here. Gottman frequently refers to "Four Horsemen," the major signs that a relationship is going to end; I can't remember them other than contempt, but my partner and I have adopted the term sarcastically, e.g. "honey why didn't you like my Facebook post; not liking my Facebook posts is one of the Four Horsemen." I didn't take anything away other than that.
February 28, 2024
Takeaways from reading the book:
# 1: What questions can you ask your partner to learn about who she or he is?
6 examples:
A. What is your favorite app? Why?
B. What stresses you the most in your life? Why?
C. What is the best way for you to relax? Why?
D. What emotions do you feel about work you do? Why?
E. How would you design your perfect home? Why?
F. Who are your 2 best friends? Why?
# 2: How can you express admiration for your partner?
- Page 74 and 283: Say thank you to your partner.
- Page 82: Express appreciation for what you like about your partner. Examples: 1. A situation when your partner supported you well? 2. A physical attribute you like about your partner.
- Page 161: Be as kind towards your partner as you are towards other people. Example: If your partner spills water on the table cloth, say "would you like some more water?" instead of "Can't you be more careful?"
# 3: How can you connect with your partner?
- Page 94: Do things together. 2 examples: 1. When you have dinner with your partner, ask her or him how her or his day went. 2. Plan house improvements with your partner.
- Page 99: Show understanding when your partner talks. Two examples: 1. Listen. 2. Say "that could happen to anyone."
- Page 104: Ask for more information. Two examples: 1. Can you say more about that, please? 2. How did you feel in that situation?
- Page 105: Repeat what your partner says. Example: "I hear you say that you feel stress because you have to do your own work as well as the work of the leader. Do I understand that correctly?"
- Page 220: Stay connected when you become parents. Examples: 1. When a woman shifts into her new role as a mother, the man also needs to be both a husband and a father. 2. To have time together, invite a person to take care of / learn with your child once in a while.
# 4: What can you do to solve problems you have in your relationship?
- Pages 143 and 185: When you come across a problem / challenge, explain to your partner what you need and wish: "I wish that... Is that possible?"
- Page 164: Take responsibility for a problem, for example by saying "I know this is not all your fault. I know I play a role in this issue as well."
- Page 201: When tension arises between a) a man's partner and ) the man's mother, the reason is often that the two women battle for the man's love. The solution to this challenge is this: The man must take the side of his partner. He is a partner - then a son. In other words, his partner comes first. His mother's emotions may be hurt by this, but sooner or later she will get used to it and adjust to this reality.
- Page 242, 250 and 258 ff.: Gridlock is a sign that each of you has needs that the other person a) is not aware of, b) has not acknowledged or c) does not respect. The challenge is to understand what the other person's needs, for example by asking questions such as "What do you need?" Then the challenge is to respect those needs.
Method to solve a challenge that a couple has:
1. Define the problem / challenge.
2. Each person explains his / her needs.
3. Each person explains a) what is not negotiable for him / her, and b) what he / she is flexible about.
4. Write a temporary compromise that you agree to try out a brief period of time.
5. Say thank you for what you appreciate about your partner.
# 5: What can you do to create a shared purpose?
- Page 252: 3 levels of becoming a part of your partner's purpose: 1. Express understanding and interest in learning more about the purpose of your partner. 2. Offer to help your partner find her or his purpose. 3. Become a part of your partner's purpose.
- Page 275: Three questions that help you find your purpose: 1. What goals do you have for yourself? 2. What goals do you have for your relationship? 3. What do you think of when you hear the word "home"? What does home mean to you?
# 6: What are tips to calm down a heated discussion?
Pages 27, 173-177, 193 and 284:
1. Express emotions you feel.
2. Say openly when you need to calm down.
3. Ask your partner for help to calm down. Examples: "Can you please be gentler with me?" "Can you please help me calm down?"
4, Say openly when you need to take a break. Examples: "I need a break." "I will make a cup of tea."
5. Say openly when you are sorry. Example: "Sorry, I was wrong."
6. Laugh about yourself.
7. Hug your partner.
8. Express that you want to get to yes by respecting needs of each one of you. Example: "Let us find out which of the needs, each one of us has, are related to each other."
9. Say what you appreciate. Example: "I would like to thank you for..."
Other research from reading the book:
- Page 21: At the heart of the 7 principles is the fact that a great partnership is based on deep friendship, i.e. mutual respect for and enjoyment of the other's company. Friendship promotes positive emotions, and friendship fuels the flames of romance.
- Page 282: Many people feel that they are not good enough. People, who feel that they are not good enough, search for what is wrong with themselves. What we need to do is accept who we are - including accepting everything we don't like about ourselves. Forgive yourself.
# 1: What questions can you ask your partner to learn about who she or he is?
6 examples:
A. What is your favorite app? Why?
B. What stresses you the most in your life? Why?
C. What is the best way for you to relax? Why?
D. What emotions do you feel about work you do? Why?
E. How would you design your perfect home? Why?
F. Who are your 2 best friends? Why?
# 2: How can you express admiration for your partner?
- Page 74 and 283: Say thank you to your partner.
- Page 82: Express appreciation for what you like about your partner. Examples: 1. A situation when your partner supported you well? 2. A physical attribute you like about your partner.
- Page 161: Be as kind towards your partner as you are towards other people. Example: If your partner spills water on the table cloth, say "would you like some more water?" instead of "Can't you be more careful?"
# 3: How can you connect with your partner?
- Page 94: Do things together. 2 examples: 1. When you have dinner with your partner, ask her or him how her or his day went. 2. Plan house improvements with your partner.
- Page 99: Show understanding when your partner talks. Two examples: 1. Listen. 2. Say "that could happen to anyone."
- Page 104: Ask for more information. Two examples: 1. Can you say more about that, please? 2. How did you feel in that situation?
- Page 105: Repeat what your partner says. Example: "I hear you say that you feel stress because you have to do your own work as well as the work of the leader. Do I understand that correctly?"
- Page 220: Stay connected when you become parents. Examples: 1. When a woman shifts into her new role as a mother, the man also needs to be both a husband and a father. 2. To have time together, invite a person to take care of / learn with your child once in a while.
# 4: What can you do to solve problems you have in your relationship?
- Pages 143 and 185: When you come across a problem / challenge, explain to your partner what you need and wish: "I wish that... Is that possible?"
- Page 164: Take responsibility for a problem, for example by saying "I know this is not all your fault. I know I play a role in this issue as well."
- Page 201: When tension arises between a) a man's partner and ) the man's mother, the reason is often that the two women battle for the man's love. The solution to this challenge is this: The man must take the side of his partner. He is a partner - then a son. In other words, his partner comes first. His mother's emotions may be hurt by this, but sooner or later she will get used to it and adjust to this reality.
- Page 242, 250 and 258 ff.: Gridlock is a sign that each of you has needs that the other person a) is not aware of, b) has not acknowledged or c) does not respect. The challenge is to understand what the other person's needs, for example by asking questions such as "What do you need?" Then the challenge is to respect those needs.
Method to solve a challenge that a couple has:
1. Define the problem / challenge.
2. Each person explains his / her needs.
3. Each person explains a) what is not negotiable for him / her, and b) what he / she is flexible about.
4. Write a temporary compromise that you agree to try out a brief period of time.
5. Say thank you for what you appreciate about your partner.
# 5: What can you do to create a shared purpose?
- Page 252: 3 levels of becoming a part of your partner's purpose: 1. Express understanding and interest in learning more about the purpose of your partner. 2. Offer to help your partner find her or his purpose. 3. Become a part of your partner's purpose.
- Page 275: Three questions that help you find your purpose: 1. What goals do you have for yourself? 2. What goals do you have for your relationship? 3. What do you think of when you hear the word "home"? What does home mean to you?
# 6: What are tips to calm down a heated discussion?
Pages 27, 173-177, 193 and 284:
1. Express emotions you feel.
2. Say openly when you need to calm down.
3. Ask your partner for help to calm down. Examples: "Can you please be gentler with me?" "Can you please help me calm down?"
4, Say openly when you need to take a break. Examples: "I need a break." "I will make a cup of tea."
5. Say openly when you are sorry. Example: "Sorry, I was wrong."
6. Laugh about yourself.
7. Hug your partner.
8. Express that you want to get to yes by respecting needs of each one of you. Example: "Let us find out which of the needs, each one of us has, are related to each other."
9. Say what you appreciate. Example: "I would like to thank you for..."
Other research from reading the book:
- Page 21: At the heart of the 7 principles is the fact that a great partnership is based on deep friendship, i.e. mutual respect for and enjoyment of the other's company. Friendship promotes positive emotions, and friendship fuels the flames of romance.
- Page 282: Many people feel that they are not good enough. People, who feel that they are not good enough, search for what is wrong with themselves. What we need to do is accept who we are - including accepting everything we don't like about ourselves. Forgive yourself.
August 27, 2020
Most of the material and practical advice provided in this book made me very uncomfortable to follow and put it into practice, I guess the old saying is correct indeed, you need to be uncomfortable at times to make your lives better.
This book offers seven principles to cope with your marriage and improve it for betterment. Each principle has a questionnaire to evaluate where your relationship stand in terms of a positive aspect which is essential for a good marital relationship and it also includes fun exercises and games which needs to be participated by both spouses which helps to solidify your understanding on one another and learn more about each other. A detailed list of dos and don'ts are included to make your partner safe and comfortable around you.
The important lessons I have learnt about marriage in this book are:
- Learn about your partners interests, preferences, important milestones and achievements to improve your love maps
- For better quality of your personal life, build a habit of appreciation for your partner's good deeds, admire and celebrate your partner's achievements
- During a conflict, use a softened start-up, be specific about what upset you but don't generalize.
- While arguing make sure your heart-rate is around 80, if it crossed more than 100, let your partner know that you'll continue this discussion after a while, take a pause for 20 minutes, practice breathing exercises and concentrate on the good characteristics of your partner
- Two types of problems raises in marriage, temporary/solvable problems and perpetual/gridlock problems. For a happy relationship, it is crucial to understand the differentiating ambitions and shared values and have a common ground and compromise for making each other happy.
It is not an easy read to stomach, happy marriage comes at a cost of shared efforts, sacrifices and compromises.
This book offers seven principles to cope with your marriage and improve it for betterment. Each principle has a questionnaire to evaluate where your relationship stand in terms of a positive aspect which is essential for a good marital relationship and it also includes fun exercises and games which needs to be participated by both spouses which helps to solidify your understanding on one another and learn more about each other. A detailed list of dos and don'ts are included to make your partner safe and comfortable around you.
The important lessons I have learnt about marriage in this book are:
- Learn about your partners interests, preferences, important milestones and achievements to improve your love maps
- For better quality of your personal life, build a habit of appreciation for your partner's good deeds, admire and celebrate your partner's achievements
- During a conflict, use a softened start-up, be specific about what upset you but don't generalize.
- While arguing make sure your heart-rate is around 80, if it crossed more than 100, let your partner know that you'll continue this discussion after a while, take a pause for 20 minutes, practice breathing exercises and concentrate on the good characteristics of your partner
- Two types of problems raises in marriage, temporary/solvable problems and perpetual/gridlock problems. For a happy relationship, it is crucial to understand the differentiating ambitions and shared values and have a common ground and compromise for making each other happy.
It is not an easy read to stomach, happy marriage comes at a cost of shared efforts, sacrifices and compromises.
May 10, 2023
I was very interested to read a book by this author, he has created the Gotttman Institute, he's the forerunner in the field as I understand. The research behind his findings, such as watching couples reside for a weekend in a lab with everything being assessesed - he asks couples to do all things as they normally would such as carry on their creative pursuits, talk and even fight.
He states his research is to watch what works in successful marriages, not to only focus on what doesn't work in marriages that are struggling.
The author narrated his book and I did glean a lot from the read, but this book I would say is much better experienced in the physical form. There are too many excercises to be undertaken, and the way this was done on audio was repetitive. Just not sure why this was done on audio, but I was happy to give it a go as I have heard so much of the author and his expertise. It is dated in parts, but it's quite a good book, with lots of good takeaways.
Particularly turning toward your partner, showing interest, making an effort, as opposed to turning away. It sounds simple but I think sometimes after years together, and sometimes taking advantage of your partner and not nurturing what you have, things fall over from time to time. Some of the examples were heartwarming, some sad.
I am interested in his ideals and will look for more of his books, but not sure if audio is the best way.
He states his research is to watch what works in successful marriages, not to only focus on what doesn't work in marriages that are struggling.
The author narrated his book and I did glean a lot from the read, but this book I would say is much better experienced in the physical form. There are too many excercises to be undertaken, and the way this was done on audio was repetitive. Just not sure why this was done on audio, but I was happy to give it a go as I have heard so much of the author and his expertise. It is dated in parts, but it's quite a good book, with lots of good takeaways.
Particularly turning toward your partner, showing interest, making an effort, as opposed to turning away. It sounds simple but I think sometimes after years together, and sometimes taking advantage of your partner and not nurturing what you have, things fall over from time to time. Some of the examples were heartwarming, some sad.
I am interested in his ideals and will look for more of his books, but not sure if audio is the best way.
March 8, 2008
An excellent book that I think married and single people who would like to one day marry should read! John Gottman and Nan Silver studied marriages for over twenty years, following the same couples. They observed how the couples talked to each other...the every day chit chat, the serious conversations and even the fights. What they curiously observed is that fighting is not what breaks marriages up. In fact, fighting can be good for marriages in some ways.
What they did find is that in the couples who remained married and reported being happily married, there were elements of behavior present that aided in getting through disagreements and fights. In the marriages that ended or were unhappy, there were elements that were also present that contributed to the breakdown of the relationship.
I learned a lot from reading this book. I studied law before I began practicing it, so why not study marriage before embarking on a lifetime with someone?
The best part of the book is that if you and your partner are BOTH willing to do so, you can learn to incorporate the seven principles into your life together so that you can love each other, even when you are in disagreement or a difficult time.
It's in workbook style, so it takes some work if you read it as a couple, but if you're open minded and you make yourself vulnerable to your mate, it's worth the process!
What they did find is that in the couples who remained married and reported being happily married, there were elements of behavior present that aided in getting through disagreements and fights. In the marriages that ended or were unhappy, there were elements that were also present that contributed to the breakdown of the relationship.
I learned a lot from reading this book. I studied law before I began practicing it, so why not study marriage before embarking on a lifetime with someone?
The best part of the book is that if you and your partner are BOTH willing to do so, you can learn to incorporate the seven principles into your life together so that you can love each other, even when you are in disagreement or a difficult time.
It's in workbook style, so it takes some work if you read it as a couple, but if you're open minded and you make yourself vulnerable to your mate, it's worth the process!
January 12, 2011
Back in April of this year, Dr. Liz Hale, a licensed clinical psychologist, started her remarks to a local audience of more than 100 mental health professionals by saying, “Dear fellow colleagues, you are in danger of having an affair.”
Her point was that every marriage, even those of the marriage gurus, is vulnerable to infidelity–be it sexual or emotional. Individuals have to actively curb all the subtle and often innocent beginnings that lead to unfaithfulness.
“We make the mistake of thinking (marital) vows will keep us safe; and they don’t,” she said. She went on to say that couples cannot depend on love or similarities to keep their marriage intact. It’s not enough.
Emotional or sexual infidelity isn’t as rare as we might think. But even if we don’t stray into some type of unfaithfulness, that doesn’t mean a marriage will stay together. Like anything worth having, a good relationship takes work.
But what kind of work? What are the key principles for making a marriage last?
For many years the prescriptions of marriage gurus were based on anecdotal evidence and rules of thumb—on opinion. Because the opinions weren’t tested, they led to all sorts of errors. For example, many yet believe that the road to marital bliss is through communication, specifically through successful conflict resolution. According to this idea, happy couples are those that have learned to resolve all their conflicts in a nice manner. The problem is that when conflict resolution was put to the test, the studies showed it didn’t work. Marriage therapies based on conflict resolution share a very low success rate—over the long haul they only work about 20% of the time.
So what does work?
John Gottman is a marriage counselor who took a different approach and started to collect rigorous scientific evidence on over 650 couples, tracking the fate of their marriages for up to fourteen years. The results of his work are startling.
He uncovered a number of relationship myths, including the one about communication. He found that happy marriages were never perfect unions. These satisfied couples often had differences in temperament, interests, and family values. They argued over money, kids, and housekeeping, just like unhappy couples did. They had problems and faced issues. However, all these satisfied couples also practiced seven principles, even if they didn’t know it, which helped them navigate their way through all the difficulties and keep their marriages happy and stable.
And it’s not just opinion. The success rate for the type of marital therapy based on his research is 80%. He knows what makes marriages work and has written it up in a fabulous book called The Seven Principles For Making A Marriage Work.
Every marriage is vulnerable to failure. It takes work to enjoy a satisfying relationship with a spouse. But it’s so much easier to improve and maintain a relationship when you’re working on the things that actually make a difference. If you want to improve your marriage, give Gottman’s book a read.
Her point was that every marriage, even those of the marriage gurus, is vulnerable to infidelity–be it sexual or emotional. Individuals have to actively curb all the subtle and often innocent beginnings that lead to unfaithfulness.
“We make the mistake of thinking (marital) vows will keep us safe; and they don’t,” she said. She went on to say that couples cannot depend on love or similarities to keep their marriage intact. It’s not enough.
Emotional or sexual infidelity isn’t as rare as we might think. But even if we don’t stray into some type of unfaithfulness, that doesn’t mean a marriage will stay together. Like anything worth having, a good relationship takes work.
But what kind of work? What are the key principles for making a marriage last?
For many years the prescriptions of marriage gurus were based on anecdotal evidence and rules of thumb—on opinion. Because the opinions weren’t tested, they led to all sorts of errors. For example, many yet believe that the road to marital bliss is through communication, specifically through successful conflict resolution. According to this idea, happy couples are those that have learned to resolve all their conflicts in a nice manner. The problem is that when conflict resolution was put to the test, the studies showed it didn’t work. Marriage therapies based on conflict resolution share a very low success rate—over the long haul they only work about 20% of the time.
So what does work?
John Gottman is a marriage counselor who took a different approach and started to collect rigorous scientific evidence on over 650 couples, tracking the fate of their marriages for up to fourteen years. The results of his work are startling.
He uncovered a number of relationship myths, including the one about communication. He found that happy marriages were never perfect unions. These satisfied couples often had differences in temperament, interests, and family values. They argued over money, kids, and housekeeping, just like unhappy couples did. They had problems and faced issues. However, all these satisfied couples also practiced seven principles, even if they didn’t know it, which helped them navigate their way through all the difficulties and keep their marriages happy and stable.
And it’s not just opinion. The success rate for the type of marital therapy based on his research is 80%. He knows what makes marriages work and has written it up in a fabulous book called The Seven Principles For Making A Marriage Work.
Every marriage is vulnerable to failure. It takes work to enjoy a satisfying relationship with a spouse. But it’s so much easier to improve and maintain a relationship when you’re working on the things that actually make a difference. If you want to improve your marriage, give Gottman’s book a read.
March 14, 2009
Why is it considered normal to consult a manual and put work into maintaining a car, but not a relationship?
This book can be pretty cheesey a lot of the time, but it contains lots of exercises, is easy to read, and is based on principles and evidence that is highly regarded in the field (which surprised me).
From his experimental "love lab", Gottman observed tons of couples that worked and didn't. His findings inform the book. Some nuggets:
- most arguments cannot be resolved
- biggest predictors of divorce are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, failure of repair attempts, and stonewalling.
- an affair is a sign, not a cause, of marital problems
- having the first baby decreases marital satisfaction most times!
- foster admiration and fondness of each other
- men don't allow in women's influence enough
- solve your solvable problems, such as: stress, inlaws (be a husband first, son second), money, sex (person with least interest should have most control), housework, and becoming parents ("A child is a grenade").
- overcome "gridlock" on unsolvable conflicts, basically trying to cope as best you can
- create shared meaning
This book can be pretty cheesey a lot of the time, but it contains lots of exercises, is easy to read, and is based on principles and evidence that is highly regarded in the field (which surprised me).
From his experimental "love lab", Gottman observed tons of couples that worked and didn't. His findings inform the book. Some nuggets:
- most arguments cannot be resolved
- biggest predictors of divorce are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, failure of repair attempts, and stonewalling.
- an affair is a sign, not a cause, of marital problems
- having the first baby decreases marital satisfaction most times!
- foster admiration and fondness of each other
- men don't allow in women's influence enough
- solve your solvable problems, such as: stress, inlaws (be a husband first, son second), money, sex (person with least interest should have most control), housework, and becoming parents ("A child is a grenade").
- overcome "gridlock" on unsolvable conflicts, basically trying to cope as best you can
- create shared meaning
March 12, 2010
I probably should rank this book higher. I think the principles are sound and obviously well researched. I imagine that everything he says in here is true. It's just not the kind of marriage book that inspires me. It is too much of "do this and don't do this" rather than providing inspiration and perspective on marriage. For example one chapter talks about chores that he does/she does and contains a list of chores that you can go through with your spouse to determine what is fair. Stuff like that really ends up making me far more stressed about the issue than I was before. Some of the exercises look like fun and/or helpful and I do think this book could really be good if a couple sat down and did it together. I like the part where he talks about how happily married couples don't necessarily have to "solve" every problem and that clear communication (i.e. using "I" statements) is not necessarily the key to marital bliss. There were some good parts... it just really wasn't my cup o' tea.
September 3, 2008
My favorite quote in the whole book: “Working briefly on your marriage every day will do more for your health and longevity than working out at a health club” (p. 261).
Overall, one of the better books I've seen on fostering a happy marriage. A very useful read for any couple seeking to improve their conflict resolution skills or just strengthen their relationship. Gottman's principles are supported by some of the best research anywhere on marital relations, although he's obviously very proud of his research (e.g., frequent statements like "I don't have to guess anymore about why some couples stay so happily married. I know why.")
Some of the highlights:
* Distinction between perpetual and solvable problems in marriages; most problems fall in the "perpetual" (unresolvable) category and are often a rehashing of some fundamental personal and marital issues that need to be carefully addressed.
* Happily married couples can have significant disagreements and arguments; it's the way these arguments are conducted (maintaining respect, avoiding criticism, being willing to be influenced by your spouse) that matters. In other words, it's not that couples with strong marriages don't argue or disagree, it's that they do so in a spirit of respect and quick reconciliation. A strong foundation of real friendship in marriage makes this possible.
* You can't save your marriage just by learning to communicate more sensitively; being an empathetic communicator helps, but it's not the most critical thing in resolving conflicts.
* The "Four Horsemen" of significant marital problems: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (very common tactic in men).
This book would be one of my first recommendations for couples seeking to improve their relationship.
Overall, one of the better books I've seen on fostering a happy marriage. A very useful read for any couple seeking to improve their conflict resolution skills or just strengthen their relationship. Gottman's principles are supported by some of the best research anywhere on marital relations, although he's obviously very proud of his research (e.g., frequent statements like "I don't have to guess anymore about why some couples stay so happily married. I know why.")
Some of the highlights:
* Distinction between perpetual and solvable problems in marriages; most problems fall in the "perpetual" (unresolvable) category and are often a rehashing of some fundamental personal and marital issues that need to be carefully addressed.
* Happily married couples can have significant disagreements and arguments; it's the way these arguments are conducted (maintaining respect, avoiding criticism, being willing to be influenced by your spouse) that matters. In other words, it's not that couples with strong marriages don't argue or disagree, it's that they do so in a spirit of respect and quick reconciliation. A strong foundation of real friendship in marriage makes this possible.
* You can't save your marriage just by learning to communicate more sensitively; being an empathetic communicator helps, but it's not the most critical thing in resolving conflicts.
* The "Four Horsemen" of significant marital problems: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (very common tactic in men).
This book would be one of my first recommendations for couples seeking to improve their relationship.
October 29, 2011
Although part of me thinks I shouldn't read so many books about marriage before I'm married (it can be depressing to sift through all the potential problems that are being addressed in these self-help books), I'm also drawn to them because it's so hard for me to wrap my head around the reality of marriage, and I've always been someone for whom research has provided much reassurance and comfort. So, although I might be putting the cart before the horse, I really like to get things right!
As far as self-help/relationship books go, this is of the caliber that I like best -- based on years of sound research with a proven track record. John Gottman is referenced in nearly every relationship book out there, and with good reason. Within a few minutes, he can predict with 91% accuracy whether a couple will stay married or not, and he uses the results of all his research to clue couples in on the groundwork they need to lay to avoid such a fate (and how to turn things around if the dangerous "warning signs" do pop up). While some of it seems like common sense, some of it is surprising: such as the finding that some VERY common relationship advice (such as the importance of active listening, needing to share common interests, etc.) doesn't actually have the track record to back it up.
I listened to the audio version of this, and it doesn't translate particularly well to audio. There are a lot of exercises and such in it that you're supposed to stop and do, but the whole point of an audio book is that you can listen to it *while* you're busy with other things (dishes, driving, etc.) So I didn't do any of the exercises, and I spaced out during some of them, but when I did listen, it at least gave me some insight into aspects of myself or my relationship that I might not have looked at in such particular terms otherwise. At any rate, if you're looking for research or advice on marriage, I wouldn't hesitate to recommend Gottman, and I hope to continue learning from his work.
As far as self-help/relationship books go, this is of the caliber that I like best -- based on years of sound research with a proven track record. John Gottman is referenced in nearly every relationship book out there, and with good reason. Within a few minutes, he can predict with 91% accuracy whether a couple will stay married or not, and he uses the results of all his research to clue couples in on the groundwork they need to lay to avoid such a fate (and how to turn things around if the dangerous "warning signs" do pop up). While some of it seems like common sense, some of it is surprising: such as the finding that some VERY common relationship advice (such as the importance of active listening, needing to share common interests, etc.) doesn't actually have the track record to back it up.
I listened to the audio version of this, and it doesn't translate particularly well to audio. There are a lot of exercises and such in it that you're supposed to stop and do, but the whole point of an audio book is that you can listen to it *while* you're busy with other things (dishes, driving, etc.) So I didn't do any of the exercises, and I spaced out during some of them, but when I did listen, it at least gave me some insight into aspects of myself or my relationship that I might not have looked at in such particular terms otherwise. At any rate, if you're looking for research or advice on marriage, I wouldn't hesitate to recommend Gottman, and I hope to continue learning from his work.
January 15, 2019
Hands down the best most practical marriage advice book I've ever read. I will be reading it again and giving it away. I've read Gottman's work before, but this book is essential to anyone whose marriage isn't perfect.
September 8, 2023
ليس هناك اجمل ماقرات من الدكتور عبدالوهاب المسيري يقول
إعادة الزواج من الزوجة نفسها !
( من خلال تأملاتي في تجاربي وتجارب الآخرين أصبح عندي رؤية ومفهوم للزواج، فكنت دائما أخبر نفسي وغيري أن السعادة لا تهبط هكذا من السماء، وإنما هي مثل العمل الفني، لابد أن يكد المرء ويتعب في صياغته وصنعه، والزواج مثل العمل الفني أيضا، ومثل أي شيء إنساني مركب، يحتوي على إمكانيات سلبية وإيجابية، ولا يمكن فصل الواحد عن الآخر. وكثيرا ما كنت أخبر طالباتي بأن الحب الحقيقي هو أن يقبل الواحد الآخر ويعرف أن محاسنه مرتبطة تمام الارتباط بمثالبه.
كما طوّرت مفهوم "إعادة الزواج من نفس الزوجة" ، إذ تتغير الظروف والأوضاع وتتغير الشخصية والتوقعات فيُعاد النظر في أسس العلاقة ويُعاد تشكيلها بما يتفق مع الرؤية الجديدة، وأزعم أنني تزوجت من زوجتي ثلاث مرات، المرة الأولى التقليدية، والثانية بعد حصولي على الدكتوراه، والثالثة بعد حصولها هي على الدكتوراه، ولعل مفهوم "إعادة الزواج من نفس الزوجة" قد يحلّ بعض المشكلات التي يقابلها الناس في زيجاتهم، إذ يَتَصوّرُ كلُّ طرف في العلاقة الزوجية أنّ الآخر نمط محدّد لا يتغيّر، ومن ثَمَّ فالتوقعات والأحزان والأفراح لا تتغيّر، وهو تصوّر غير إنساني، فثمة قدر من الثبات، ولكنّ ثمة قدرًا من التغيّر أيضا، ولابدّ أن يأخذ الإنسان كل شيء في الحُسبان ) .
[رحلتي الفكرية : د. عبد الوهاب المسيري: 90]
اما رايي انا الشخصي بناء علي طلب حضراتكم
يقدم كتاب جون جوتمان السبعة مبادئ لإنجاح الزواج بالتفصيل الطرق التي يمكن من خلالها أن يتمتع الشخص بزواج صحي وبالتالي تنطبق المبادئ أيضًا بشكل عام على العلاقات الرومانسية بشكل عام وربما حتى الصداقات فقط. سأضع هذه المبادئ في كلماتي الخاصة لجعلها أكثر وضوحًا؛ يمكنك قراءة الكتاب إذا كنت تريد كلماته.
المبدأ الأول هو زيادة معرفتك ببعضها البعض. يجب أن تكون قادرًا على معرفة، على سبيل المثال، من الذي لا يحبه شريكك في العمل. يجب عليك أيضًا أن تعرف فلسفته في الحياة. وما هي أعمق أحلامها. إلخ.
المبدأ الثاني هو تعزيز ولعكم وإعجابكم ببعضكم البعض. يتضمن ذلك النظر أولاً إلى شريكك الذي يستحق الكرامة والاحترام. في كثير من الأحيان، في العلاقة، يمكنك أن تتوقف عن التفكير في عدم إعجابك بعادات شريكك أو عدم إعجابك ببعض هذه الاختلافات الأساسية في المواقف التي يتخذها منك. من خلال التركيز مرة أخرى على الخصائص الإيجابية لشريكك، فإن تذكير نفسك بسبب إعجابك أو حبك لهذا الشخص في المقام الأول، سيساعدك على إعادة تركيز علاقتك.
المبدأ الثالث هو التوجه إلى شريكك للتواصل بشأن أمور الحياة الدنيوية. إذا لم تكن قد بدأت أو نسيت كيف تستمتع بالتحدث مع شريكك عن أنشطتك اليومية أو أنشطته اليومية، فسيكون من الجيد إعادة إشعال تلك النار، لتتمكن فقط من التحدث عن العمل والمشاكل وما إلى ذلك. لقد كنت تفكر مؤخرًا في ما رأيته في ذلك اليوم، وما إلى ذلك. يكتب جوتمان أنك تعتز كل يوم بهذا الوقت وتتصرف بشكل مشجع تجاه شريكك في هذا الوقت، فهو يشبه وضع المال في البنك العاطفي، وهو ما يساعد حقًا عندما يحين الوقت. قاسٍ.
المبدأ الرابع هو السماح لشريكك بالتأثير عليك. نظرًا لأن العلاقة عبارة عن أخذ وعطاء، وبما أنه سيكون من المستحيل رياضيًا أن تكون على صواب طوال الوقت، فكن على استعداد للسماح لقرار شريكك بالتأثير على ما تفكر فيه أو تصرفاتك أو أي شيء آخر. إن السماح بهذا الأخذ والعطاء وعدم العناد يقطع شوطا طويلا.
المبدأ الخامس هو حل مشاكلك القابلة للحل. بعض المشكلات، مثلاً ربما 30%، من المشكلات التي تواجهك هي مشكلات قابلة للحل. وذلك لأنها في الأساس مشاكل ظرفية. إذا بدأتم في إجراء تغييرات في جدولكم الزمني فيما يتعلق ببعضكم البعض، أو بطرق بسيطة للقيام بالأشياء، فسوف تكونون قادرين على التعامل مع بعضكم البعض بسهولة أكبر.
المبدأ السادس هو "التغلب على الجمود". من المحتمل أن حوالي 70% من المشاكل التي يواجهها الزوجان معًا هي مسألة اختلافات جوهرية عميقة بينكما. لا بأس أن يكون هناك اختلافات. على سبيل المثال، ربما تكون شخصًا مهتمًا دائمًا بتوفير المال وشريكك مهتمًا دائمًا بقضاء وقت ممتع (مما يعني أحيانًا أن إنفاق المال لن يكون أمرًا مهمًا بالنسبة له أو لها). لن تتمكنوا من تغيير بعضكم البعض بشأن هذه القضايا الأساسية العميقة، لذا فإن الأمر يتطلب حلاً وسطاً؛ هذا هو "التغلب على الجمود". يمكنك البدء في تقديم تنازلات فيما يتعلق بهذا الأمر، على سبيل المثال، من خلال وضع ميزانية معًا ثم السماح لبعضكما البعض بالإنفاق بحرية في حدود تلك الميزانية. (ربما لا يكون هذا أفضل مثال، لكنه أفضل ما يمكنني فعله في الوقت الحالي). الشيء المهم هو أن تعمل على التوصل إلى حل وسط وتجاوز هذه الخلافات.
المبدأ السابع هو خلق "المعنى المشترك". قد لا يبدو هذا محددًا للغاية، ولكن ما يعنيه جوتمان هو أنك تخلق ثقافة يعيش فيها كل منكما، وإذا كان لديك أطفال ضمن العدد الثالث أو الرابع أو الخامس من العدد الذي تعيش فيه. أنت تخلق طقوسًا لنفسك، وتحتفل بالعطلات الخاصة، وتحترم بعض طقوس العبور، وتنشئ واجبات والتزامات وممارسات لنفسك داخل وحدة عائلتك. هذه هي الأشياء الحقيقية العميقة التي يمكن للمرء أن يسميها روحية.
يوفر جوتمان الكثير من الأنشطة والتمارين طوال الطريق، وألعاب صغيرة يمكنك لعبها مع شريك حياتك أو مع أزواج آخرين لتحسين وزيادة قوة علاقتكما.
او راي الفنان الكبير محمود عبد العزيز
الجواز وسنينه…
اللي بيتجوز بدري دا يا يوسف بيبقى عامل زي اللي إتعشا بدري..
فغصب عنه لازم يجوع في نص الليل.
واللي بيتجوز متأخر بيبقى عامل زي اللي رجع بيته متأخر..
فبياكل أي حاجه والسلام.
_ والعمل يا بابا؟!
= نام خفيف يا يوسف.
▪️"الكيت كات" ١٩٩١
إعادة الزواج من الزوجة نفسها !
( من خلال تأملاتي في تجاربي وتجارب الآخرين أصبح عندي رؤية ومفهوم للزواج، فكنت دائما أخبر نفسي وغيري أن السعادة لا تهبط هكذا من السماء، وإنما هي مثل العمل الفني، لابد أن يكد المرء ويتعب في صياغته وصنعه، والزواج مثل العمل الفني أيضا، ومثل أي شيء إنساني مركب، يحتوي على إمكانيات سلبية وإيجابية، ولا يمكن فصل الواحد عن الآخر. وكثيرا ما كنت أخبر طالباتي بأن الحب الحقيقي هو أن يقبل الواحد الآخر ويعرف أن محاسنه مرتبطة تمام الارتباط بمثالبه.
كما طوّرت مفهوم "إعادة الزواج من نفس الزوجة" ، إذ تتغير الظروف والأوضاع وتتغير الشخصية والتوقعات فيُعاد النظر في أسس العلاقة ويُعاد تشكيلها بما يتفق مع الرؤية الجديدة، وأزعم أنني تزوجت من زوجتي ثلاث مرات، المرة الأولى التقليدية، والثانية بعد حصولي على الدكتوراه، والثالثة بعد حصولها هي على الدكتوراه، ولعل مفهوم "إعادة الزواج من نفس الزوجة" قد يحلّ بعض المشكلات التي يقابلها الناس في زيجاتهم، إذ يَتَصوّرُ كلُّ طرف في العلاقة الزوجية أنّ الآخر نمط محدّد لا يتغيّر، ومن ثَمَّ فالتوقعات والأحزان والأفراح لا تتغيّر، وهو تصوّر غير إنساني، فثمة قدر من الثبات، ولكنّ ثمة قدرًا من التغيّر أيضا، ولابدّ أن يأخذ الإنسان كل شيء في الحُسبان ) .
[رحلتي الفكرية : د. عبد الوهاب المسيري: 90]
اما رايي انا الشخصي بناء علي طلب حضراتكم
يقدم كتاب جون جوتمان السبعة مبادئ لإنجاح الزواج بالتفصيل الطرق التي يمكن من خلالها أن يتمتع الشخص بزواج صحي وبالتالي تنطبق المبادئ أيضًا بشكل عام على العلاقات الرومانسية بشكل عام وربما حتى الصداقات فقط. سأضع هذه المبادئ في كلماتي الخاصة لجعلها أكثر وضوحًا؛ يمكنك قراءة الكتاب إذا كنت تريد كلماته.
المبدأ الأول هو زيادة معرفتك ببعضها البعض. يجب أن تكون قادرًا على معرفة، على سبيل المثال، من الذي لا يحبه شريكك في العمل. يجب عليك أيضًا أن تعرف فلسفته في الحياة. وما هي أعمق أحلامها. إلخ.
المبدأ الثاني هو تعزيز ولعكم وإعجابكم ببعضكم البعض. يتضمن ذلك النظر أولاً إلى شريكك الذي يستحق الكرامة والاحترام. في كثير من الأحيان، في العلاقة، يمكنك أن تتوقف عن التفكير في عدم إعجابك بعادات شريكك أو عدم إعجابك ببعض هذه الاختلافات الأساسية في المواقف التي يتخذها منك. من خلال التركيز مرة أخرى على الخصائص الإيجابية لشريكك، فإن تذكير نفسك بسبب إعجابك أو حبك لهذا الشخص في المقام الأول، سيساعدك على إعادة تركيز علاقتك.
المبدأ الثالث هو التوجه إلى شريكك للتواصل بشأن أمور الحياة الدنيوية. إذا لم تكن قد بدأت أو نسيت كيف تستمتع بالتحدث مع شريكك عن أنشطتك اليومية أو أنشطته اليومية، فسيكون من الجيد إعادة إشعال تلك النار، لتتمكن فقط من التحدث عن العمل والمشاكل وما إلى ذلك. لقد كنت تفكر مؤخرًا في ما رأيته في ذلك اليوم، وما إلى ذلك. يكتب جوتمان أنك تعتز كل يوم بهذا الوقت وتتصرف بشكل مشجع تجاه شريكك في هذا الوقت، فهو يشبه وضع المال في البنك العاطفي، وهو ما يساعد حقًا عندما يحين الوقت. قاسٍ.
المبدأ الرابع هو السماح لشريكك بالتأثير عليك. نظرًا لأن العلاقة عبارة عن أخذ وعطاء، وبما أنه سيكون من المستحيل رياضيًا أن تكون على صواب طوال الوقت، فكن على استعداد للسماح لقرار شريكك بالتأثير على ما تفكر فيه أو تصرفاتك أو أي شيء آخر. إن السماح بهذا الأخذ والعطاء وعدم العناد يقطع شوطا طويلا.
المبدأ الخامس هو حل مشاكلك القابلة للحل. بعض المشكلات، مثلاً ربما 30%، من المشكلات التي تواجهك هي مشكلات قابلة للحل. وذلك لأنها في الأساس مشاكل ظرفية. إذا بدأتم في إجراء تغييرات في جدولكم الزمني فيما يتعلق ببعضكم البعض، أو بطرق بسيطة للقيام بالأشياء، فسوف تكونون قادرين على التعامل مع بعضكم البعض بسهولة أكبر.
المبدأ السادس هو "التغلب على الجمود". من المحتمل أن حوالي 70% من المشاكل التي يواجهها الزوجان معًا هي مسألة اختلافات جوهرية عميقة بينكما. لا بأس أن يكون هناك اختلافات. على سبيل المثال، ربما تكون شخصًا مهتمًا دائمًا بتوفير المال وشريكك مهتمًا دائمًا بقضاء وقت ممتع (مما يعني أحيانًا أن إنفاق المال لن يكون أمرًا مهمًا بالنسبة له أو لها). لن تتمكنوا من تغيير بعضكم البعض بشأن هذه القضايا الأساسية العميقة، لذا فإن الأمر يتطلب حلاً وسطاً؛ هذا هو "التغلب على الجمود". يمكنك البدء في تقديم تنازلات فيما يتعلق بهذا الأمر، على سبيل المثال، من خلال وضع ميزانية معًا ثم السماح لبعضكما البعض بالإنفاق بحرية في حدود تلك الميزانية. (ربما لا يكون هذا أفضل مثال، لكنه أفضل ما يمكنني فعله في الوقت الحالي). الشيء المهم هو أن تعمل على التوصل إلى حل وسط وتجاوز هذه الخلافات.
المبدأ السابع هو خلق "المعنى المشترك". قد لا يبدو هذا محددًا للغاية، ولكن ما يعنيه جوتمان هو أنك تخلق ثقافة يعيش فيها كل منكما، وإذا كان لديك أطفال ضمن العدد الثالث أو الرابع أو الخامس من العدد الذي تعيش فيه. أنت تخلق طقوسًا لنفسك، وتحتفل بالعطلات الخاصة، وتحترم بعض طقوس العبور، وتنشئ واجبات والتزامات وممارسات لنفسك داخل وحدة عائلتك. هذه هي الأشياء الحقيقية العميقة التي يمكن للمرء أن يسميها روحية.
يوفر جوتمان الكثير من الأنشطة والتمارين طوال الطريق، وألعاب صغيرة يمكنك لعبها مع شريك حياتك أو مع أزواج آخرين لتحسين وزيادة قوة علاقتكما.
او راي الفنان الكبير محمود عبد العزيز
الجواز وسنينه…
اللي بيتجوز بدري دا يا يوسف بيبقى عامل زي اللي إتعشا بدري..
فغصب عنه لازم يجوع في نص الليل.
واللي بيتجوز متأخر بيبقى عامل زي اللي رجع بيته متأخر..
فبياكل أي حاجه والسلام.
_ والعمل يا بابا؟!
= نام خفيف يا يوسف.
▪️"الكيت كات" ١٩٩١
March 29, 2023
Lots of good discussion questions in here to work through with a partner. But a few of the chapters are a too much, "Men are horrible and need to fix themselves."
May 14, 2024
This book is mostly for those who are not too happy in their marriage, but do not yet utterly hate each other either. It starts by explaining how hurtful divorce is, to convince you to give your marriage another chance; if you're looking for ways to enhance a good steady relationship, this is probably not for you.
I started listening to it because I was—you guessed it—not too happy in my marriage, but I promptly realized, from the many examples in the book, what terrible jerks many people have for husbands, and decided my case was not that bad, after all.
I did my best to apply some of the advice from the book, and I think it did help to improve my marriage situation, but, you see, it helped because I changed my attitude in some ways. I did make my husband read one particular chapter and we discussed it, but I am yet to see whether this was helpful or not. What I'm trying to say is... I suspect it only works if you're the biggest jerk of the couple and yet are ready to improve,—and I also suspect this is not the most common case. So if your marriage situation is not good, but you don't think it's mostly your fault, don't get your hopes too high.
And I must say that I still found some of the advice ridiculous. Like this active listening technique that many people believe is supposed to make us feel heard and understood. E.g.:
'I am so tired!'
Somehow, to some experts, it seems like a good idea to reply:
'You're very tired!', or 'Aren't you exhausted!' or something like that. My natural reaction to that is,
'Yes, I am tired, this is what I have just said! Why are you repeating my words?!'
I find this very aggravating, even if I don't think that the person in question is using the active listening technique on me, which I sometimes do.
And 'Poor baby!'. I hate it when my husband says 'Poor baby' to me, I am not poor and I am not a baby, and this doesn't help at all,—how is this considered a good thing to say to somebody who's upset?
But really, a lot of the advice is sound. Practice positive reinforcement instead of critique, i.e., always praise your spouse for doing the things you like—I know this works with dogs! Concentrate on the good points of your partner instead of the other points,—these are things I tried to change about my own ways. And this is something I think I'm already good at, but this is also sound advice: in a conflict between your spouse and your parents, choose your spouse, because this is where your family is now.
Marriage is not always easy, and this book does not have easy answers to difficult problems, but it is sound enough and helpful enough, and definitely not the worst self-help that I've read.
And if you're struggling with something in your marriage, I wish you the best of luck, and that it will be all right in the end.
I started listening to it because I was—you guessed it—not too happy in my marriage, but I promptly realized, from the many examples in the book, what terrible jerks many people have for husbands, and decided my case was not that bad, after all.
I did my best to apply some of the advice from the book, and I think it did help to improve my marriage situation, but, you see, it helped because I changed my attitude in some ways. I did make my husband read one particular chapter and we discussed it, but I am yet to see whether this was helpful or not. What I'm trying to say is... I suspect it only works if you're the biggest jerk of the couple and yet are ready to improve,—and I also suspect this is not the most common case. So if your marriage situation is not good, but you don't think it's mostly your fault, don't get your hopes too high.
And I must say that I still found some of the advice ridiculous. Like this active listening technique that many people believe is supposed to make us feel heard and understood. E.g.:
'I am so tired!'
Somehow, to some experts, it seems like a good idea to reply:
'You're very tired!', or 'Aren't you exhausted!' or something like that. My natural reaction to that is,
'Yes, I am tired, this is what I have just said! Why are you repeating my words?!'
I find this very aggravating, even if I don't think that the person in question is using the active listening technique on me, which I sometimes do.
And 'Poor baby!'. I hate it when my husband says 'Poor baby' to me, I am not poor and I am not a baby, and this doesn't help at all,—how is this considered a good thing to say to somebody who's upset?
But really, a lot of the advice is sound. Practice positive reinforcement instead of critique, i.e., always praise your spouse for doing the things you like—I know this works with dogs! Concentrate on the good points of your partner instead of the other points,—these are things I tried to change about my own ways. And this is something I think I'm already good at, but this is also sound advice: in a conflict between your spouse and your parents, choose your spouse, because this is where your family is now.
Marriage is not always easy, and this book does not have easy answers to difficult problems, but it is sound enough and helpful enough, and definitely not the worst self-help that I've read.
And if you're struggling with something in your marriage, I wish you the best of luck, and that it will be all right in the end.
January 6, 2023
Before we begin, I just want to say: my marriage is not in trouble!! While I did complain about my husband on Instagram stories this week (he left a Triscuit box open so they all went stale and I found out as I went to pack my lunch), he is a sweet little lambchop despite the fact that he still leaves peanut butter on the kitchen sponge and doesn't know how to cook besides burgers and noodles.
Personally I think every couple should work proactively to always reflect on and improve their relationship. Especially when you both get busy and you're kind of in a routine of life, it's easy to be complacent. And I learn best from books. Even if I don't 100% resonate with a book, I can usually gain perspective and context from pieces of it.
This book goes through the author's experience with many, many couples who took part in his marital studies over years and years. The examples and activities were all great, but what I gained the most from was learning about communication and realizing all the things I did that were wrong, wrong, WRONG.
For example:
A "harsh startup" is when a discussion leads off with criticism and/or sarcasm, a form of contempt. Research shows if you begin with a harsh startup, it will end on a negative note even if there are a lot of attempts to "make nice" in between. A harsh startup dooms your discussion to failure. And yes, I have started many a discussion - er, argument - like this.
There are four types of negativity that are lethal to relationships, and I exhibit 3 of the 4 (my husband exhibits the other 1). The book nicknames these the "four horsemen of the apocalypse". They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. It was eye opening to read exactly how and why these cause conversations and communications to fail, and how they can bring down the relationship as a whole - especially over time.
"Repair attempts" are efforts the couple makes to deescalate the tension during a touchy discussion - to put the brakes on so flooding (a response to being so overwhelmed by your spouse that you're shell shocked and exhibit physical stress) is prevented. This can be by saying you need a time out from the conversation/argument, or trying to deescalate with a joke or loving gesture. The more contemptuous a couple is with each other, the less likely a repair attempt will work. This is something I immediately resonated with, because I'm someone who wants to calm down if we're having an argument - otherwise I'll just get more and more angry. My husband wants things resolved right then, otherwise he can't focus on anything else. But there's a scientific reason to use repair attempts! 20 minutes is the time it takes for your body to physically calm down.
These are just three examples of big concepts that were able to be boiled down into things that felt manageable. I also loved all the work on discussing solvable vs perpetual problems, and how to respond to each. This is a great book on respect and communication that anyone who's in a partnership can learn from.
Personally I think every couple should work proactively to always reflect on and improve their relationship. Especially when you both get busy and you're kind of in a routine of life, it's easy to be complacent. And I learn best from books. Even if I don't 100% resonate with a book, I can usually gain perspective and context from pieces of it.
This book goes through the author's experience with many, many couples who took part in his marital studies over years and years. The examples and activities were all great, but what I gained the most from was learning about communication and realizing all the things I did that were wrong, wrong, WRONG.
For example:
A "harsh startup" is when a discussion leads off with criticism and/or sarcasm, a form of contempt. Research shows if you begin with a harsh startup, it will end on a negative note even if there are a lot of attempts to "make nice" in between. A harsh startup dooms your discussion to failure. And yes, I have started many a discussion - er, argument - like this.
There are four types of negativity that are lethal to relationships, and I exhibit 3 of the 4 (my husband exhibits the other 1). The book nicknames these the "four horsemen of the apocalypse". They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. It was eye opening to read exactly how and why these cause conversations and communications to fail, and how they can bring down the relationship as a whole - especially over time.
"Repair attempts" are efforts the couple makes to deescalate the tension during a touchy discussion - to put the brakes on so flooding (a response to being so overwhelmed by your spouse that you're shell shocked and exhibit physical stress) is prevented. This can be by saying you need a time out from the conversation/argument, or trying to deescalate with a joke or loving gesture. The more contemptuous a couple is with each other, the less likely a repair attempt will work. This is something I immediately resonated with, because I'm someone who wants to calm down if we're having an argument - otherwise I'll just get more and more angry. My husband wants things resolved right then, otherwise he can't focus on anything else. But there's a scientific reason to use repair attempts! 20 minutes is the time it takes for your body to physically calm down.
These are just three examples of big concepts that were able to be boiled down into things that felt manageable. I also loved all the work on discussing solvable vs perpetual problems, and how to respond to each. This is a great book on respect and communication that anyone who's in a partnership can learn from.
September 16, 2008
Dr. John Gottman became famous for his work in Seattle's "Love Lab," a research apartment wired with cameras he used to observe how volunteer couples communicated with one another. Through his observations, Gottman discovered patterns of communication that correlate with lasting relationships.
Among Gottman’s observations was that the frequency of a couple’s fights had less to do with relationship success than other factors including whether or not they had compatible styles of dealing with conflict, whether the partners engaged in certain destructive communication behaviors Gottman labeled "the four horsemen of the apocalypse," and how successful partners were in responding to what he calls breakdown "repair attempts."
It’s been a while since I read this book, but I recall it as having a lot of useful, down-to-earth information for improving communication in intimate relationships.
Among Gottman’s observations was that the frequency of a couple’s fights had less to do with relationship success than other factors including whether or not they had compatible styles of dealing with conflict, whether the partners engaged in certain destructive communication behaviors Gottman labeled "the four horsemen of the apocalypse," and how successful partners were in responding to what he calls breakdown "repair attempts."
It’s been a while since I read this book, but I recall it as having a lot of useful, down-to-earth information for improving communication in intimate relationships.
July 27, 2011
الكتاب عبارة عن خلاصة لمجموعة من الأبحاث والتجارب العملية التي قام بها المؤلف على مجموعة من الأزواج المتطوعين داخل معمله الذي أطلق عليه اسم معمل الحب. ومن هذه التجارب التي سردها استخلص ٧ مبادئ لانجاح الزواج. يحتوي الكتاب على الكثير من التمارين التي يستطيع الأزواج القيام بها معا.
April 12, 2013
I started out loving this, despite the fact that Gottman's ego is ginormous. When he suggests couples bond by gossiping about other people, it goes downhill fast. I only got about half way through CD 3 before calling it quits. (on his book, not my marriage)
July 2, 2024
I'm that weird girl who's read all the marriage books on my parents' shelves. But hands down, this is the best one. Written in a hopeful, practical manner, with MANY activities and questions to spark conversation, Gottman and Silver have written a masterpiece.
September 6, 2022
Honestly this hit and made me deeply sorry I wasn’t married so I couldn’t try out all the fun exercises! Give me a long term partner to have unsolvable conflict with I wanna gooooo
June 22, 2010
I first read about Gottman's marriage research in Maclom Gladwell's Blink. Since I am interested in all things social science, I picked up this book at the library. The content is interesting and applicable, even if some/much of it feels common sense. The biggest downfall of the book is Gottman's egoistic prose. (He has been at the forefront of research in his field - and I would have believed him the first time he mentioned it.)
February 3, 2020
Aile danışmanlığı kursu için ödev olarak okudum, sıkılacağımı düşünüyordum ama gayet keyifli bir kitaptı. İlişki sorunlarına oldukça makul çözümler üretiyor, basmakalıp aile/çift terapisi yöntemlerini de bilimsel verilerle çürütüyor. Sırf 6. Adım için okunmaya değer diye düşünüyorum. Sadece alandan insanlara değil herkese yönelik olması da olumlu bir özelliği.
August 28, 2020
Советы полезны, изложение логично, упражнения к каждому принципу. Важно читать вместе и обсуждать, пробовать делать. А если резюмировать коротко, относитесь друг другу к пониманием, добротой и вежливостью, с какой говорим с хорошим знакомым, и отношения улучшатся.
October 5, 2020
Неплохая книга про компетентность в браке )
Счастливые супруги – это прежде всего хорошие друзья. Под этим я подразумеваю взаимное уважение и удовольствие от общества друг друга. Они прекрасно знают, что каждый любит и не любит, особенности характера, надежды и мечты. Они постоянно заботятся друг о друге и выражают эту нежность не только широкими жестами, но и каждый день понемногу.
Жесткое начало разговора Дары звучит предвестником того, что у них с Оливером могут быть серьезные трудности. По мере развития их спора я продолжаю выискивать другие признаки. Они столь губительны для отношений, что я называю их четырьмя всадниками апокалипсиса. Обычно эти четыре всадника врываются в сердце брака в следующем порядке: критика, презрение, защитная реакция и стена.
Каждая кормящая мать скажет, что количество вырабатываемого молока зависит от того, насколько женщина спокойна, что связано с выделением гормона окситоцина. То есть естественный отбор был на стороне самки, которая может быстро прийти в себя после стресса . Способность успокоиться повышала ее детям шансы на выживание, увеличивая количество молока.
Некоторые люди покидают семью с помощью развода. Другие поступают так, живя вместе параллельными жизнями. Каким бы ни был путь, существуют четыре финальных этапа , которые предвещают конец отношений. 1. Вы рассматриваете свои проблемы в браке как серьезные. 2. Обсуждать что-то кажется бесполезным. Вы пытаетесь решить проблемы самостоятельно. 3. Вы начинаете жить параллельными жизнями. 4. Вы чувствуете одиночество. Когда супружеская пара приходит к последнему этапу, у одного или обоих супругов может быть интрижка на стороне. Она обычно является симптомом конца брака, а не его причиной. Слишком часто пара начинает искать помощь для спасения брака после того, как уже оказалась в бушующих водах. Предупреждающие знаки всегда появляются заранее – надо только знать, что искать. Вы можете заметить семена бедствий: 1) в преобладании в общении жесткого начала и четырех всадников; 2) в неудачных попытках примириться; 3) в постоянном стрессе; 4) в проникающих всюду отрицательных мыслях, касающихся брака. Любой из этих знаков предполагает, что эмоциональное разъединение – а в большинстве случаев и развод – лишь дело времени.
Ключ к счастливым отношениям не в том, как вы улаживаете разногласия, а в том, как вы относитесь друг к другу, когда не ведете сражение. Поэтому, хотя Семь принципов помогут вам справиться с конфликтом, в основе моего подхода лежит укрепление дружбы , которая находится в сердце любого брака.
Эмоционально-интеллектуальные пары хорошо знакомы с мирами друг друга. Я называю это подробной картой любви . Так я обозначаю ту часть мозга, где вы храните всю информацию, связанную с жизнью супруга.
Если пара вспоминает о прошлом с теплотой, вероятность счастливого будущего составляет 94 процента. Если же история для них – череда сплошь негативных событий, браку, скорее всего, пришел конец.
Каким бы смешным это ни казалось, на самом деле романтика – это когда в супермаркете жена говорит: «По-моему, у нас закончился отбеливатель», – а муж отвечает: «Не знаю. Давай схожу, возьму на всякий случай», вместо того чтобы равнодушно пожать плечами. Она появляется, когда вы знаете, что у супруга на работе тяжелый день, и тратите шестьдесят секунд, чтобы оставить на его голосовой почте слова поддержки. Она появляется, когда жена говорит вам однажды утром: «Ночью мне приснился кошмар», а вы отвечаете: «Я очень тороплюсь, расскажи мне его сейчас, чтобы можно было обсудить вечером», вместо: «У меня нет времени». Во всех этих примерах муж и жена решают уделить внимание друг к другу , а не проигнорировать супруга.
Можно завести своеобразную бухгалтерскую книгу и давать себе один балл каждый раз, когда вы проявили внимание к супругу в течение дня. Возможно, вам не захочется документировать каждый ободряющий кивок, который вы сделали, когда супруг что-то вам рассказывал. Однако вы сделаете запись по таким событиям, как: «Я позвонил жене на работу, чтобы узнать, как прошла встреча» и «Я отдала пальто мужа в химчистку». Цель – сосредоточиться на том, что вы можете сделать для улучшения брака, а не на том, что вашей половинке следовало бы делать, а она этого не делает. Вы можете подсчитывать ежедневный или еженедельный баланс путем прибавления вкладов и вычитания снятого со счета («Забыл купить диск для М». «Поздно вернулся»). Чтобы упражнение возымело эффект, важно быть беспощадно честным с собой, когда вы равнодушны и отворачиваетесь от своей половины. Настоящая польза от упражнения появляется тогда, когда вы смотрите на три пункта, которые выбрал супруг, и после обещаете выполнить один из них. Согласие должно быть твердым – на семинарах мы называем это контрактом.
Разговор на тему «Как прошел день» помогает каждому из супругов справиться со стрессом, связанным с внешними, внесемейными обстоятельствами. Научиться это делать – крайне важно для длительных здоровых отношений. Мой коллега Нейл Якобсен из Ваши��гтонского университета выяснил, что отношения во многом зависят от того, распространяется ли на них стресс из других областей вашей жизни. Если это происходит, то брак переживает кризис, в то время как супруги, которые, напротив, помогают друг другу снять стресс, сохраняют крепкую семью.
Их задача – не решать проблемы друг друга, а выражать поддержку, их облегчение почти осязаемо. Мужчин особенно радует мысль, что им не нужно решать проблему, когда жены жалуются и что обычно это противоположно тому, чего от них ждут.
Примите сторону супруга. Это означает оказать поддержку, даже если вы думаете, что его или ее точка зрения необоснованна! Не занимайте противоположную позицию – от этого ваша половина почувствует себя обиженной. Если начальник вашей жены сделал ей выговор за пятиминутное опоздание, не говорите: «Ну, может, у Боба просто был неудачный день». И, конечно же, не говорите: «Ты не должна была опаздывать». Вместо этого скажите: «Он не должен был делать это при всех!»
Займите позицию «мы вместе против других». Если ваша половинка чувствует себя одинокой перед лицом какой-то трудности, выразите солидарность. Пусть он или она знает, что вы двое в этом вопросе едины.
Подтверждайте эмоции. Пусть ваш супруг знает, что его чувства имеют для вас значение. Это могут быть, например, такие фразы: «Да, это так печально», «Я бы тоже разволновалась», «Я понимаю, почему ты так недовольна».
Человеческая природа такова, что практически невозможно принять совет от того, кто вас не понимает. Поэтому главное правило: прежде чем попросить супруга изменить то, как он водит машину, ест или занимается любовью, дайте ему почувствовать, что вы его понимаете.
Супружеские пары, подобные этим, какимто образом смирились с недостатками своей половинки. И хотя они общаются, используя целый спектр эмоций, включая злость, раздражительность, разочарование и обиду, они непременно выражают любовь и уважение. При обсуждении любой проблемы каждый из них принимает другого со всеми недостатками.
Стабильные, эмоционально зрелые браки отличает не то, что попытки примирения обязательно более искусные или лучше продуманы, а то, что вторая сторона положительно реагирует на эти попытки.
Одна из основных задач брака – установить ощущение «мы» между мужем и женой. Так что муж должен дать своей матери понять, что жена для него действительно на первом месте. Его дом – это дом его и жены, а не матери. В первую очередь он муж, а потом – сын.
Для многих женщин лучшая прелюдия – когда муж моет посуду после ужина. Количество домашней работы для мужа не столь важно для сексуальных чувств жены. Важны два других фактора. Первый – выполнение супругом работы по хозяйству без просьб (ворчания) жены. Муж, который это делает, кладет огромное количество баллов на банковский счет эмоций. Другой фактор – его гибкость в выполнении своих обязанностей в ответ на ее потребности. Например, если он видит, что она особенно устала в какой-то вечер, то предлагает помыть посуду, хотя сейчас ее очередь. Такая помощь возбудит жену больше, чем любое видео «для взрослых».
Счастье женщины после рождения ребенка напрямую связано с тем, переживает ли муж переход к статусу родителя одновременно с женой или отстает. Молодой матери нужно отступить. Ей необходимо понять, что существует больше одного способа держать ребенка на руках. Что вода, прохладнее на два градуса, чем рекомендовали в книге, – небольшая цена, которую заплатит ребенок – и брак – за постоянное участие отца в уходе за малышом.
Ваша цель – не столько заставить одного делать то, что хочет другой, сколько переместиться от тупика к диалогу. Чтобы однажды вы смогли поговорить, не оскорбляя друг друга. Тупик – признак того, что у вас в жизни есть стремления, которые супруг не признает или не уважает. Это не может не ранить, ведь стремления, какими практичными они ни казались, – всегда вызваны какой-то глубинной потребностью. Например, под желанием скопить много денег может таиться глубинная потребность в безопасности.
Есть три различных уровня уважения мечты супруга – все из них полезны для вашего брака. Первый – выразить понимание мечты и захотеть узнать об этом больше, пусть даже вы ее не разделяете. Например, Натан мог бы поддержать решение Джорджии пройти курс подготовки альпинистов и с интересом слушать ее рассказы об этом. Вторым уровнем было бы предложить финансовую поддержку на осущес��вление ее мечты. Это означало бы помочь Джорджии оплатить поездку в горы. Третьим уровнем было бы стать частью мечты – поехать в горы вместе и разделить удовольствие от альпинизма.
Ритуалы, сопутствующие занятиям любовью и разговорам об этом. Это – важные события, которые откладываются на самый конец дня, когда все утомлены. Супруги часто думают, что занятия любовью должны быть спонтанными, и не хотят их планировать. Однако, если вспомнить, самый лучший секс был у большинства во время ухаживаний. Те романтические свидания планировались до мелочей – что надеть, какие духи или одеколон использовать, куда пойти, какие выбрать музыку и вино после ужина и так далее. Так что планировать романтику и секс необходимо.
Счастливые супруги – это прежде всего хорошие друзья. Под этим я подразумеваю взаимное уважение и удовольствие от общества друг друга. Они прекрасно знают, что каждый любит и не любит, особенности характера, надежды и мечты. Они постоянно заботятся друг о друге и выражают эту нежность не только широкими жестами, но и каждый день понемногу.
Жесткое начало разговора Дары звучит предвестником того, что у них с Оливером могут быть серьезные трудности. По мере развития их спора я продолжаю выискивать другие признаки. Они столь губительны для отношений, что я называю их четырьмя всадниками апокалипсиса. Обычно эти четыре всадника врываются в сердце брака в следующем порядке: критика, презрение, защитная реакция и стена.
Каждая кормящая мать скажет, что количество вырабатываемого молока зависит от того, насколько женщина спокойна, что связано с выделением гормона окситоцина. То есть естественный отбор был на стороне самки, которая может быстро прийти в себя после стресса . Способность успокоиться повышала ее детям шансы на выживание, увеличивая количество молока.
Некоторые люди покидают семью с помощью развода. Другие поступают так, живя вместе параллельными жизнями. Каким бы ни был путь, существуют четыре финальных этапа , которые предвещают конец отношений. 1. Вы рассматриваете свои проблемы в браке как серьезные. 2. Обсуждать что-то кажется бесполезным. Вы пытаетесь решить проблемы самостоятельно. 3. Вы начинаете жить параллельными жизнями. 4. Вы чувствуете одиночество. Когда супружеская пара приходит к последнему этапу, у одного или обоих супругов может быть интрижка на стороне. Она обычно является симптомом конца брака, а не его причиной. Слишком часто пара начинает искать помощь для спасения брака после того, как уже оказалась в бушующих водах. Предупреждающие знаки всегда появляются заранее – надо только знать, что искать. Вы можете заметить семена бедствий: 1) в преобладании в общении жесткого начала и четырех всадников; 2) в неудачных попытках примириться; 3) в постоянном стрессе; 4) в проникающих всюду отрицательных мыслях, касающихся брака. Любой из этих знаков предполагает, что эмоциональное разъединение – а в большинстве случаев и развод – лишь дело времени.
Ключ к счастливым отношениям не в том, как вы улаживаете разногласия, а в том, как вы относитесь друг к другу, когда не ведете сражение. Поэтому, хотя Семь принципов помогут вам справиться с конфликтом, в основе моего подхода лежит укрепление дружбы , которая находится в сердце любого брака.
Эмоционально-интеллектуальные пары хорошо знакомы с мирами друг друга. Я называю это подробной картой любви . Так я обозначаю ту часть мозга, где вы храните всю информацию, связанную с жизнью супруга.
Если пара вспоминает о прошлом с теплотой, вероятность счастливого будущего составляет 94 процента. Если же история для них – череда сплошь негативных событий, браку, скорее всего, пришел конец.
Каким бы смешным это ни казалось, на самом деле романтика – это когда в супермаркете жена говорит: «По-моему, у нас закончился отбеливатель», – а муж отвечает: «Не знаю. Давай схожу, возьму на всякий случай», вместо того чтобы равнодушно пожать плечами. Она появляется, когда вы знаете, что у супруга на работе тяжелый день, и тратите шестьдесят секунд, чтобы оставить на его голосовой почте слова поддержки. Она появляется, когда жена говорит вам однажды утром: «Ночью мне приснился кошмар», а вы отвечаете: «Я очень тороплюсь, расскажи мне его сейчас, чтобы можно было обсудить вечером», вместо: «У меня нет времени». Во всех этих примерах муж и жена решают уделить внимание друг к другу , а не проигнорировать супруга.
Можно завести своеобразную бухгалтерскую книгу и давать себе один балл каждый раз, когда вы проявили внимание к супругу в течение дня. Возможно, вам не захочется документировать каждый ободряющий кивок, который вы сделали, когда супруг что-то вам рассказывал. Однако вы сделаете запись по таким событиям, как: «Я позвонил жене на работу, чтобы узнать, как прошла встреча» и «Я отдала пальто мужа в химчистку». Цель – сосредоточиться на том, что вы можете сделать для улучшения брака, а не на том, что вашей половинке следовало бы делать, а она этого не делает. Вы можете подсчитывать ежедневный или еженедельный баланс путем прибавления вкладов и вычитания снятого со счета («Забыл купить диск для М». «Поздно вернулся»). Чтобы упражнение возымело эффект, важно быть беспощадно честным с собой, когда вы равнодушны и отворачиваетесь от своей половины. Настоящая польза от упражнения появляется тогда, когда вы смотрите на три пункта, которые выбрал супруг, и после обещаете выполнить один из них. Согласие должно быть твердым – на семинарах мы называем это контрактом.
Разговор на тему «Как прошел день» помогает каждому из супругов справиться со стрессом, связанным с внешними, внесемейными обстоятельствами. Научиться это делать – крайне важно для длительных здоровых отношений. Мой коллега Нейл Якобсен из Ваши��гтонского университета выяснил, что отношения во многом зависят от того, распространяется ли на них стресс из других областей вашей жизни. Если это происходит, то брак переживает кризис, в то время как супруги, которые, напротив, помогают друг другу снять стресс, сохраняют крепкую семью.
Их задача – не решать проблемы друг друга, а выражать поддержку, их облегчение почти осязаемо. Мужчин особенно радует мысль, что им не нужно решать проблему, когда жены жалуются и что обычно это противоположно тому, чего от них ждут.
Примите сторону супруга. Это означает оказать поддержку, даже если вы думаете, что его или ее точка зрения необоснованна! Не занимайте противоположную позицию – от этого ваша половина почувствует себя обиженной. Если начальник вашей жены сделал ей выговор за пятиминутное опоздание, не говорите: «Ну, может, у Боба просто был неудачный день». И, конечно же, не говорите: «Ты не должна была опаздывать». Вместо этого скажите: «Он не должен был делать это при всех!»
Займите позицию «мы вместе против других». Если ваша половинка чувствует себя одинокой перед лицом какой-то трудности, выразите солидарность. Пусть он или она знает, что вы двое в этом вопросе едины.
Подтверждайте эмоции. Пусть ваш супруг знает, что его чувства имеют для вас значение. Это могут быть, например, такие фразы: «Да, это так печально», «Я бы тоже разволновалась», «Я понимаю, почему ты так недовольна».
Человеческая природа такова, что практически невозможно принять совет от того, кто вас не понимает. Поэтому главное правило: прежде чем попросить супруга изменить то, как он водит машину, ест или занимается любовью, дайте ему почувствовать, что вы его понимаете.
Супружеские пары, подобные этим, какимто образом смирились с недостатками своей половинки. И хотя они общаются, используя целый спектр эмоций, включая злость, раздражительность, разочарование и обиду, они непременно выражают любовь и уважение. При обсуждении любой проблемы каждый из них принимает другого со всеми недостатками.
Стабильные, эмоционально зрелые браки отличает не то, что попытки примирения обязательно более искусные или лучше продуманы, а то, что вторая сторона положительно реагирует на эти попытки.
Одна из основных задач брака – установить ощущение «мы» между мужем и женой. Так что муж должен дать своей матери понять, что жена для него действительно на первом месте. Его дом – это дом его и жены, а не матери. В первую очередь он муж, а потом – сын.
Для многих женщин лучшая прелюдия – когда муж моет посуду после ужина. Количество домашней работы для мужа не столь важно для сексуальных чувств жены. Важны два других фактора. Первый – выполнение супругом работы по хозяйству без просьб (ворчания) жены. Муж, который это делает, кладет огромное количество баллов на банковский счет эмоций. Другой фактор – его гибкость в выполнении своих обязанностей в ответ на ее потребности. Например, если он видит, что она особенно устала в какой-то вечер, то предлагает помыть посуду, хотя сейчас ее очередь. Такая помощь возбудит жену больше, чем любое видео «для взрослых».
Счастье женщины после рождения ребенка напрямую связано с тем, переживает ли муж переход к статусу родителя одновременно с женой или отстает. Молодой матери нужно отступить. Ей необходимо понять, что существует больше одного способа держать ребенка на руках. Что вода, прохладнее на два градуса, чем рекомендовали в книге, – небольшая цена, которую заплатит ребенок – и брак – за постоянное участие отца в уходе за малышом.
Ваша цель – не столько заставить одного делать то, что хочет другой, сколько переместиться от тупика к диалогу. Чтобы однажды вы смогли поговорить, не оскорбляя друг друга. Тупик – признак того, что у вас в жизни есть стремления, которые супруг не признает или не уважает. Это не может не ранить, ведь стремления, какими практичными они ни казались, – всегда вызваны какой-то глубинной потребностью. Например, под желанием скопить много денег может таиться глубинная потребность в безопасности.
Есть три различных уровня уважения мечты супруга – все из них полезны для вашего брака. Первый – выразить понимание мечты и захотеть узнать об этом больше, пусть даже вы ее не разделяете. Например, Натан мог бы поддержать решение Джорджии пройти курс подготовки альпинистов и с интересом слушать ее рассказы об этом. Вторым уровнем было бы предложить финансовую поддержку на осущес��вление ее мечты. Это означало бы помочь Джорджии оплатить поездку в горы. Третьим уровнем было бы стать частью мечты – поехать в горы вместе и разделить удовольствие от альпинизма.
Ритуалы, сопутствующие занятиям любовью и разговорам об этом. Это – важные события, которые откладываются на самый конец дня, когда все утомлены. Супруги часто думают, что занятия любовью должны быть спонтанными, и не хотят их планировать. Однако, если вспомнить, самый лучший секс был у большинства во время ухаживаний. Те романтические свидания планировались до мелочей – что надеть, какие духи или одеколон использовать, куда пойти, какие выбрать музыку и вино после ужина и так далее. Так что планировать романтику и секс необходимо.
May 22, 2024
Some useful ideas here on managing marital conflict. As always with popular psychology, laypersons such as myself should exercise caution.
Although the cover design is strikingly tolkienian, the advice is generally not to carry your spouse into a volcano and throw their prior lovers into it. They missed a chance in not getting Cate Blanchett for the audio book.
Although the cover design is strikingly tolkienian, the advice is generally not to carry your spouse into a volcano and throw their prior lovers into it. They missed a chance in not getting Cate Blanchett for the audio book.
March 21, 2011
I haven't read a lot of marital counselling books, yet I feel good about claiming that this one is the best one out there. This has been one of the most enlightening and thought-provoking books I've ever read. The best part is: It's simple and practical. He doesn't dwell on complext theories of romantic love and its components--he focuses on what's been shown to make marriages work.
March 24, 2021
Not scintillating reading, and JG is pretty self confident, and despite efforts to tone down binary sexism it still is pretty apparent, BUT a useful and necessary book that helped my spouse and I plug some of the holes in our leaky boat of a 22 year marriage in this pandemic year. One for the permanent shelf.
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