Jer 17:9-10 KJV The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? (10) I the LORD search the heart, I try the reins, eJer 17:9-10 KJV The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? (10) I the LORD search the heart, I try the reins, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings.
Coming from a Christian perspective, then, why try to map the heart if it is unknowable? Isn't this just more "follow your heart" nonsense? Please don't try to tell me that "living my truth" is the ultimate goal of life.
Nope. The goal is love, and love cannot be divorced from relationship and connection. I want to know you, not who you think I want you to be. But it is hard to share ourselves with each other if we don't know who we are, or if we cannot articulate our authentic self.
If you are a Christian and think that still sounds like nonsense, think of it this way: authenticity is the anti-hypocrisy. The opposite of an authentic self is a hypocritical and/or blind self. Authenticity does not mean we don't learn and grow toward the truth. In fact, the more comfortable we are with ourselves—and the more courage we have to show up as ourselves—the less fearful we will be of learning, growing, admitting we were wrong, asking questions, etc. This is what the author calls "grounded confidence".
One Biblical example is Job:
Job 13:6-10 KJV Hear now my reasoning, and hearken to the pleadings of my lips. (7) Will ye speak wickedly for God? and talk deceitfully for him? (8) Will ye accept his person? will ye contend for God? (9) Is it good that he should search you out? or as one man mocketh another, do ye so mock him? (10) He will surely reprove you, if ye do secretly accept persons.
Job is saying that being hypocritical on God's behalf is still deceitful and wicked. Job's friends were only saying what they thought they should say. They were afraid of confronting things as they were.
Pro 20:27 KJV The spirit of man is the candle of the LORD, searching all the inward parts of the belly. Psa 19:12 KJV Who can understand his errors? cleanse thou me from secret faults. Job 34:32 KJV That which I see not teach thou me: if I have done iniquity, I will do no more.
The paradox is that one of the main goals of the book is to be other-focused. That is something that, in my experience, many Christians think we understand, but in reality need some upskilling there. We confuse altruism with love, don't value the relationships that others have to offer us beyond seeing them as receptacle of our own "light", etc. Asking God to teach us our "secret faults" is saying, "Help me to see past my biases and hypocrisies and defensiveness so that I can learn something about myself, and better fulfill the law of love." The more we realize we have intrinsic worth (again, from a Christian perspective, God showed us how valuable He thought we were by the price He was willing to pay), the easier it will be to stay authentic and face our "secret faults" with courage.
So going back to the original question: why try to map the heart if it is unknowable?
Compare this passage:
Eph 3:17-19 KJV That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love, (18) May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height; (19) And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.
The love of God is unfathomable, but we can grow in the knowledge of it. We can also learn, sometimes after timidly testing its limits, that it is limitless, and that we can push deep our roots and fling wide our branches and never fear to reach the end of it. We each journey through that relationship uniquely and with different gifts, yet we can each teach others what we've learned along the way.
As Brene Brown is fond of saying, "We are the mapmakers and the travelers." The atlas here isn't so much teaching us any particular heart per se. It gives us a framework and language to explore it, and thereby improve connecting with others—and, yes, with ourselves. It isn't my place to take over God's job, but relationship is my purpose, and that requires sharing myself with others, and having the language to explore what they are sharing with me. This book helps with that.
This was the Brene Brown book that I was least interested in reading. I only bought it because it is recommended by the Amazon Lead with Empathy initiative (an optional training and group of people trying to drive a better culture within Amazon). Now I'm (selectively) reading it to my family, so that should tell you how much I've changed my mind on it....more
It's a simple framework. The two axes are: "Care Personally" and "Challenge Directly". If you exhibit both of those, you are being what the author calIt's a simple framework. The two axes are: "Care Personally" and "Challenge Directly". If you exhibit both of those, you are being what the author calls "radically candid", or "compassionately candid".
If you are Challenging Directly but not Caring Personally, that is obnoxious aggression. Sometimes this will get things done because it does address problems, but it's not good for long-term team-building or relationships.
If you are Caring Personally but not Challenging Directly, that is ruinous empathy. For example, when someone needs career advice but it might sting a little, and so you deliver the feedback with insufficient clarity because you are beating around the bush too much, or you back off at the first sign of tears with a, "Don't worry it's actually not that big of a deal." The problem with this is that you are hurting the person in the long run.
If you are neither Caring Personally nor Challenging Directly, that is manipulative insincerity. Gossip, "the meeting after the meeting", telling someone everything is fine when it's not (because giving critical feedback scares you), etc.
The framework itself has greatly clarified my approach to feedback and given me more courage to give it in all settings, not just at work. So is the book worth reading if you already know the framework? Absolutely! It's one of those books where almost every page inspires you to do a better job at life, and I mean that in a completely positive, unironic way. And the way that it inspires is by giving tons of practical management stories and advice born of experience and research.
Some examples:
[After telling of having several personal conversations with her employees on her way into work, the author writes...]
By the time I got back to my desk, I had no time or emotional reserves to think about pricing. I cared about each of these people, but I also felt worn out—frustrated that I couldn't get any "real" work done. Later that day, I called my CEO coach, Leslie Koch, to complain.
"Is my job to build a great company," I asked, "or am I really just some sort of emotional babysitter?"
Leslie, a fiercely opinionated ex-Microsoft executive, could barely contain herself. "This is not babysitting," she said. "It's called management, and it is your job!"
Radical Candor is also not an invitation to nitpick. Challenging people directly takes real energy—not only from the people you're challenging but from you as well. So do it only for things that really matter. A good rule of thumb for any relationship is to leave three unimportant things unsaid each day.
To keep a team cohesive, you need both rock stars and superstars, she explained. Rock stars are solid as a rock. Think the Rock of Gibraltar, not Bruce Springsteen. The rock stars love their work. They have found their groove. They don't want the next job if it will take them away from their craft. Not all artists want to own a gallery; in fact, most don't. If you honor and reward the rock stars, they'll become the people you most rely on. If you promote them into roles they don't want or aren't suited for, however, you'll lose them—or, even worse, wind up firing them. Superstars, on the other hand, need to be challenged and given new opportunities to grow constantly.
As an aside, the Radical Candor framework aligns with what Jesus taught about how to handle disputes and offenses, which is a big plus for me. In the church there are some who don't challenge at all, and there are some who speak truth without compassion. Proverbs 3:3 says, "Let not mercy and truth forsake thee." As always, keep your Biblical filter on while reading, but don't let the bad word in the book's subtitle dissuade you....more
I was attracted to this one because of my weakness in facing aggressive people, or voicing unpopular knowledge. This book has made me more confident iI was attracted to this one because of my weakness in facing aggressive people, or voicing unpopular knowledge. This book has made me more confident in that regard, but surprisingly it's also made me a better husband and parent. It's one of the few audiobooks I've bought a physical copy of so I can go through it again and use it as a reference.
I guess the reason I don't give it 5 stars is reflective of my love of modern research with their double blind studies and all that. This book takes a different approach—that of a cop who has trained other cops. It posits that if it doesn't work on the street when your life is on the line, why would you trust it anywhere else? I suppose also because it is constantly teaching the reader how to navigate conflict, and thus it is constantly talking about conflict.
Often, though, the part that conflict plays in defining our closest relationships is not insignificant. I can tell you that putting the advice of this book into practice has made such a difference in my home that now I almost look forward to disagreements with my wife as opportunities to show her I care. It's short and practical in a way that makes one believe he can implement it, which is oddly unexpected despite all the books we have that claim to do that. To me, this is high praise.
I think the main reason it doesn't get 5 stars from me, though, is the fact that the author is SO practical and focused on achieving outcomes agreeable to the reader that I felt I had to filter it through my own beliefs: (in no particular order) 1. that each of us should see others as more valuable than ourselves, 2. that love is the most laudable virtue, and 3. that relationships are the most precious things that we possess. If you can do that and, like me, feel you haven't faced conflict well, I highly recommend this book....more
I don't agree with the terminology of "mutual submission", one of the key concepts in the book. However, like many controversies of this nature, one dI don't agree with the terminology of "mutual submission", one of the key concepts in the book. However, like many controversies of this nature, one doesn't need to swallow any of the pits to benefit from a cherry pie.
Underneath the unbiblical phrase is a very biblical concept: that a godly man is submitted to Jesus Christ, and must therefore "submit" to the needs of his wife—and even to her pleasure (1Co 7:33) and her use of worldly goods and income (1Pe 3:7, Pro 31:31; in 1Pe 3:7 compare the use of the word "honor" in 1Ti 5:3). What the author calls "mutual submission" isn't an equal sharing of authority in the home, but such a considerate and deep valuing of her needs and wishes that the leader becomes the servant.
Does my wife need me to clean the kitchen every night in order to feel loved? Then that is what I'll do. Does she want to talk with me at night before we go to sleep but I can't keep my eyes open? Then I'll sit in a chair beside the bed for a half hour. Do I really want the kids to ride horses while she is terrified of it? Instead of trampling her with my authority, I should try to respectfully win her over just as I would with anyone else; yet, many of us have approached our relationships with our wives with far less care than we do with others. This puts the onus for maintaining a peaceful marriage on the wife, when the husband should be shouldering that burden with her.
Every Man's Marriage fights against a distorted view of male authority in the home, one that warps love into a one-sided vision of what is best for a man's house. What does it mean to be a servant leader? I thought I at least had some grasp of it, but this book took the blinders off my eyes and helped change my marriage for the better.
And if we can't recognize a biblical concept without exact terminology, then perhaps we do not understand the Bible as much as we think we do. Words are only vehicles to deliver concepts to the human mind. It is the concept that we believe. The words themselves, while important, holy, and unchangeable, are secondary—even unedifying if we don't understand the concepts behind them (1Co 14:8-9, 2Pe 3:16, 2Co 3:6). And most of us accept that there is a caveat to the unchangeableness of the Bible: translation into a new language by definition means we must change the sounds, lettering, and form of the words—but not the concepts.
Yes, the term "mutual submission" seems to be stretching to the point of adding something that isn't there, but the grace I give the author is that his understanding of his own phrase seems to be biblical for the most part, even if the phrase itself is not....more
Though this book is very secular, I think it would be helpful if every Christian would read it. Empathy, which, I have become convinced, cannot be divThough this book is very secular, I think it would be helpful if every Christian would read it. Empathy, which, I have become convinced, cannot be divorced from godly love, is one of the main themes throughout....more
Loading...
