If you're a mystery reader and a fan of "so bad it's good," then Gun In Cheek is the book for you. It's pretty much MST3K (Mystery Science Theater 300If you're a mystery reader and a fan of "so bad it's good," then Gun In Cheek is the book for you. It's pretty much MST3K (Mystery Science Theater 3000) for detective fiction. As any mystery reader knows, mysteries are extremely formulaic, with a special formula for each subgenre, from classic golden-age to cozy to gothic to hardboiled to spy fiction. With a good mystery, the formula is satisfying and any deviations are intriguing. With bad mysteries, the results can be utterly hilarious. Pronzini has coined a great term for these wonderfully terrible works: "alternative classic." Given that this book was first published before I was born, he invented the phrase long before "alternative facts" came along.
So what makes a good "alternative classic"? Part of it is the writing. Some of my favourites, starting with one from the editor himself:
"When would this phantasmagoria that was all too real reality end? He asked himself." Bill Pronzini, The Stalker
"Her hips were beautifully arched and her breasts were like proud flags waving triumphantly. She carried them high and mighty." Ed Noon, The Case of the Violent Virgin
"A hint of excitement hovered around Miss Kane, looking well in an afternoon frock and explaining that she had obtained a weekend leave and was looking forward to the party." R.A.J. Walling, The Corpse Without a Clue
"All in the same motion, he snap-kicked the man in the right armpit! The knife clattered to the floor as Mace finished the slob off with a mule-kick to his scrotum. Looking like a goof who had just discovered that ice-cream cones are hollow, the man sagged to the floor." Joseph Rosenberger, Kung Fu: The Year of the Tiger
"The old woman's breasts were balanced over her folded hands like the loaded scales of justice waiting for her final judgment." Leslie Paige, Queen of Hearts
"Hope flared in her dark eyes as she grabbed the rope I had tossed to her drowning brain." Naked Villainy, Carl G. Hodges
And consider this eloquent bit of dialogue:
"'Dan Turner squalling,' I yeeped. 'Flag your diapers to Sylvia Hempstead's igloo. There's been a croaking.'" Robert Leslie Bellem, "Come Die for Me"
Attempts at introspection are also a great way to achieve an alternative classic. Take this epic bit of impending doom:
"When it had settled itself, unperceived, in its lurking place--the Hand stole out again--closed the window-door, re-locked it. Hand or claw? Hand of man or woman or paw of beast? In the name of God--whose hand?" Mary Roberts Rinehart, The Bat
And how's this for the start of a gothic?
"I know now that there must have been a touch of madness in me that raw October night as I went to Cemetery Key and the house of horror known as Stormhaven." Jennifer Hale, Stormhaven
And there's a special way for detective fiction to achieve Alternative Classic status: the mysteries themselves. Sometimes it's a convoluted, incoherent mystery with a climax disturbingly similar to:
[image]
From bugged belly-buttons to murder by fire-extinguisher-nozzle-foam-in-ear to murder by embarrassment, there is an impressive variety of ridiculous creativity in the collection. I can't decide whether I prefer the man who becomes an evil avenger because he's so upset he went bald or the archaeologist who goes mad and wanders around in gloopy phosphorescent mud. There are the Death Rays, and Giant V-Rays, and "Crime Rays," and probably a few other rays I forgot about. (And yes, here's the obligatory M&W sketch.)
[image]
There are "blood-sucking, man-eating" bushes, a man born with the head of a wolf, and a half-spider half-octopus monster called the Red Crawl which turns out (naturally) to be a man in a costume and a mask. There are vampires who, when unmasked, prove to be costumed people complete with a vampire bat that is actually a "tiny monoplane" whose engine is "fitted with a silencer" that flies around "with the wheels tucked up inside the fuselage." But my favourite has to be the octopi. There are actually multiple stories involving a death-pit of octopi, which, we are told, are
"The world's most awful bundle of awfulness, a writhing, squirming mass of hell-fury, attaching itself to its victim with four hundred vacuum cups on its eight snaky legs [...] in short, it is the monster-supreme of earth or sea or Hell."
I thoroughly enjoyed the book, but I will say that I'm not sure Pronzini necessarily gives the writers credit. While it made them no less entertaining to read, quite a few of the stories struck me as intentional parody, such as Joseph Rosenberger's confrontation in a warehouse filled with "Musical Panda Dolls" between the protagonist--named the Death Merchant--and a killer. I thoroughly enjoyed it all, but I did read it in small doses-- you can only take so much "alternative classic" at a time. If any of this sounded entertaining to you, I can promise that Gun in Cheek has more where it came from. Take the opportunity to savor, down to the last bugged belly-button and twenty-pound attack octopi.
~~I received this ebook through Netgalley from the publisher, Dover Publications, in exchange for my honest review. Thanks!~~
~3.5 You know, I think the best way to summarize this book is with an example [image] Sure, it's not highbrow or anything, but a couple of the images str~3.5 You know, I think the best way to summarize this book is with an example [image] Sure, it's not highbrow or anything, but a couple of the images struck me as funny enough that I couldn't help audibly sniggering. In public. Which I find extremely embarrassing.
It's a short book--about 150 pages-- and you can flip through the whole thing in less than half an hour. Each image is accompanied with a short comment. Some of the pictures were funnier than others, but in general, I found the images amusing rather than the comments, which struck me as a bit over the top. In retrospect, the fact that the author writes for CollegeHumor.com isn't a surprise. Most of the images are just misspellings or mis-shelvings or mass production gone wrong, but they're amusing nonetheless, and I can think of worse ways to spend a few minutes.
~~I received an advanced reader copy of this ebook through Netgalley from the publishers, Andrews McMeel Publishing, in exchange for my honest review~~ ...more
Next time you're playing an RPG, please try to be considerate about where you die. Unfortunately for the inhabitants of the Maplebark Inn, a band of caNext time you're playing an RPG, please try to be considerate about where you die. Unfortunately for the inhabitants of the Maplebark Inn, a band of careless adventurers have stumbled in after eating bad mushrooms and have now found precisely the wrong place to pass on. For the gamers who were playing the adventurers, it's not a big deal--after all, that's what backup characters are for. But for the NPC characters, there's no such thing as a re-roll, and now they have to handle four rather suspicious deaths. To make matters worse, the now deceased adventurers had been summoned to the capital city by the Mad King himself. The King tends to shoot first and ask questions later, and when he is unhappy, he tends to spread it around with a big sword. But the NPCs see one little loophole: if they continue on the quest, then the King might never connect their village with the disappearance. All they need to do is take on the roles of a barbarian, a paladin, a wizard, and a rogue...how hard can it be? As Thistle the gnome puts it,
“'We'll loot the bodies and be on our way.' 'The words that start every great adventure,' Gabrielle quipped sarcastically. She might have been surprised to discover how accurate that statement truly was.”
NPCs is straight-up squeefully adorable. It's not subtle, it's not deep, and it's not profound, it's just awfully, awfully cute. The idea of following the “forgotten characters” might not be particularly novel, but there's something charmingly original about Hayes' take on the theme. For example, on why untrained adventurers end up on quests in the first place:
“'Why does he [the king] keep employing random adventurers who can be so easily killed?' Gabrielle wondered. 'Again, because he seems to like leaving a trail of of destruction in his wake,' Eric reminded her.”
The people inhabiting the RPG world have started adopting the adventurers' slang, even though
“No one had discerned a standard meaning for the word pronounced as 'pone' despite its recent surge in usage.”
I'm actually not a gamer and have never played an RPG, but this book made me want to give it a try. I suspect it's even more entertaining if you actually get all the references.
I also enjoyed the basic character setup. Gabrielle, the mayor's daughter, spends most of her life being repeatedly kidnapped by goblins and rescued by adventurers. Since she spends so much time on the road, she's taken up woodcraft, scouting, and fighting as hobbies. Eric is one of the many guards who are, without fail, outsmarted by both goblins and adventurers. Thistle the gnome is a part-time henchman who worships Grumble, god of minions. Grumph is a half-orc bartender who is far more intelligent than he appears. I loved how they initially set themselves up in the roles suggested by the stereotypes, but eventually they end up finding their own true vocations. Sure, that's become a trope in its own right, but it's still cute. At some point, though, the adventurers turn into true adventurers, with all the associated stereotypes, and I think that detracts somewhat from the story.
I think one of the reasons that I enjoyed this so much is the way that I read it. Since I can't handle prolonged cuteness, I read the book in small chunks, interspersed with more serious texts (specifically, Vicious, which is a history of human brutality to wolves, and the self-explanatory Emperor Wu Zhao and Her Pantheon of Devis, Divinities, and Dynastic Mothers.) Maybe the book's main idea isn't prcisely subtle, but it's light and cute, and I found myself thoroughly enjoying the NPCs' adventures. In any case, NPCs was adorable enough to make me consider picking up another book by the same author, The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant. Come to think of it, the title alone is enough to sell me on it. Another for the TBR......more
There are two things that put Sound and the Furry into my Five Stars for Being So Good At What It Set Out To Be category. (1) In terms of capturing thThere are two things that put Sound and the Furry into my Five Stars for Being So Good At What It Set Out To Be category. (1) In terms of capturing the canine mentality, it's the best hardboiled detective story written from a dog's point of view that I've ever read. (2) I'm pretty sure it's about the only hardboiled detective story written from a dog's point of view that I've ever read. ...rest of review is here
**edit 11/26/13 Born in the war-torn, misogynistic country of Borogravia, Polly Perks has grown up with the folksong echoing in the back of her mind. P**edit 11/26/13 Born in the war-torn, misogynistic country of Borogravia, Polly Perks has grown up with the folksong echoing in the back of her mind. Perhaps, then, it is only natural that when her brother goes missing in action, Polly decides to use the song's example to find her brother. She cuts her hair, practices her swagger, and, equipped with a strategically-placed pair of socks, sets off to enlist. Of course, after countless years of war, Borogravia recruitment is scraping the bottom of the barrel. It isn't long before Polly discovers that she has joined in with a motley crew of trolls, vampires, Igors, and misfits--a truly monstrous regiment. "Oliver" Perks will fit right in.
My advice regarding the Vorkosigan Saga boils down to this: go read them. All of them. I suggest starting with The Warrior's Appren**edit 11/26/13
My advice regarding the Vorkosigan Saga boils down to this: go read them. All of them. I suggest starting with The Warrior's Apprentice--and no, this isn't one of my usual careless suggestions to jump midway into a series; it's recommended by Bujold herself. And now, onwards to Brothers in Arms!
In Miles Vorkosigan's most recent mission as his alter-ego Admiral Miles Naismith of the Dendarii Free Mercenaries, he was sent undercover to rescue one important man from a Cetagandan POW camp. As is typical of Miles' missions, things didn't go as planned, and the 1 prisoner rescue was somehow multiplied into 10,000. Now, with the fleet badly in need of repairs, Miles has stopped at Old Earth to prize payment from the reluctant pockets of the Barrayaran Embassy in London. And, of course, that's when things on Earth start getting, as Miles would say, a little out of hand. While Miles is trying to escort high-faluting London socialites as part of his Barrayaran identity, he is forced to make a daring--and unfortunately visible--rescue as Admiral Naismith. With both of his identities seen on Earth, how long can it be before people connect the glaring fluorescent dots? As Miles points out, "How many four-foot-nine-inch black-haired grey-eyed hunchbacks can there be on this damn planet? D’you think you trip over twitchy dwarfs on every street corner?" Not only is his cover identity at risk, but, with the Cetagandans simultaneously meeting socially with with Lt. Vorkosigan of the Barrayaran Embassy and actively out for the blood of the all-too-similar Admiral Naismith, Miles is doubly in danger. Clearly, Miles decides, the obvious solution is to tell everyone that he has a clone, created in secret as part of a plot against Barrayar. It isn't long before Miles is heading straight into his own unique version of an identity crisis. And since this is Miles Vorkosigan, that's when things start getting complicated. ... Due to my disapproval of GR's new and rather subjective review deletion policy, the rest of my (typically verbose) review is posted over at Booklikes. ...more
~2.5 I recently had a conversation with a non-native-speaker in which I tried to explain that American phrases are not the sum of thei**edited 11/27/13
~2.5 I recently had a conversation with a non-native-speaker in which I tried to explain that American phrases are not the sum of their parts, and, in particular, that (a) telling a woman that she "really gets around" does not imply admiration of world travel, and (b) to "put out" doesn't mean "put" plus "out." He complained that speaking with Americans was extremely difficult: they speak fast, use colloquialisms, try to turn every remark into a joke based on some obscure reference or other, and are constantly waiting to throw in The Dreaded Pun. He said he found that the best policy was to smile, nod, and hope that the inexplicable laughter wasn't directed at him. After reading this book, I have gained a new sympathy for his point of view.
Frank Tuttle, I have a bone to pick with you. You need to put caution labels on your books: "DANGER: CAN CAUSE UNCONTROLLED LAUGHT**edited 01/18/14
Frank Tuttle, I have a bone to pick with you. You need to put caution labels on your books: "DANGER: CAN CAUSE UNCONTROLLED LAUGHTER IN PUBLIC." I made the foolish decision to start The Mister Trophy while on the subway. I really did manage to stifle my mirth to those almost silent single sniffs of amusement, but the rest of the passengers started giving me worried looks. If I'd put a cap on the ground, they probably would have made charitable donations to the crazy girl smirking to herself. As it was, a child pointed at me and started whispering to his mother, and they promptly got out at the next stop. I could have tried to explain that it was all due to lines like, [A troll, after attack by vampires] "Mister Jones...he is sorry. He meant to leave the half-dead creature able to answer to you for the insult to your house, but he fears he squashed it." but I'm not sure it would have helped.
I picked this up because I fell in love with the title--"Bimbos of the Death Sun" is just so very, very perfect. I've read one of McC**edited 01/27/14
I picked this up because I fell in love with the title--"Bimbos of the Death Sun" is just so very, very perfect. I've read one of McCrumb's Appalachian books, and thought that she would treat her subject, the world of science fiction and fantasy conventions, with respect and humanity. I was so very, very wrong. The book is somewhat cute and definitely funny, but it is also very cruel.
I've never been to a "con"(convention), so I can't actually attest to the accuracy--and since the book is quite dated and was written about the time I was born, I suspect no one who went to one in the last twenty years or so can either. Fandom is an interesting and (as far as I can tell) relatively recent phenomenon, and I can see why McCrumb would be fascinated by it. However, she is clearly writing from the perspective of an outsider: she portrays the fantasy authors as jaded and nasty, the female con goers are desperate, oversexualised, and man-mad, and the men (or rather, boys) are pimpled, obese, awkward outcasts, desperate for approval and to become authors themselves. Obese characters are repeatedly mocked as "weighing more than an average calf," but women of this variety are still prized because cons are filled with desperate engineers--McCrumb calls them "losers,...runty little nerds, fat intellectuals,[and] misfits," who are happy to find anything at all female, no matter how overweight and plain--because clearly men only pick women based on traditional superficial beauty. The main characters, the ones we are supposed to empathize with, are themselves outsiders and rather bemused by the excesses of the fans.
After his last job as the tethered goat for a bunch of insane apocalypse-desiring cultists, Bob Howard, computational demonologist, i**edited 01/08/14
After his last job as the tethered goat for a bunch of insane apocalypse-desiring cultists, Bob Howard, computational demonologist, is hoping for a little rest and relaxation so that he can try to shake his recent partial transformation into a demonic Eater of Souls. When he finally returns to work at The Laundry, the top-secret ministry of magic, he thinks his wish has been granted--after all, how hard can his new leadership and resource management position be?
Soon, he is embroiled in yet another cultist conspiracy: an American televangelist seems to be channelling a little too much Lovecraft in his sermons, so Bob is sent out to America to manage an off-the-books investigative team. He must battle with religious zealots, creepy creatures that crawl into brains and zombify their hosts, the terrifyingly harsh American equivalent to the Laundry, and (worst of all) rather a lot of bureaucracy. Can Bob make it through, save his assets, prevent the waking of a Lovecraftian sleeper, and, most difficult of all, can he keep all of his paperwork straight?
**edited 12/30/13 Have you ever seen the xkcd comic about regular expressions? (If you don't read xkcd, you probably won't enjoy this book, so I'd advi**edited 12/30/13 Have you ever seen the xkcd comic about regular expressions? (If you don't read xkcd, you probably won't enjoy this book, so I'd advise skipping this review.) [image] Basically, the plot of The Fuller Memorandum is this comic strip, but in novel form and with an invasion of Lovecraftian beasties.
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