June 20, 2024 • 20 mins
Ben and Ashley are ready to help listeners with some *almost* good advice!
Should you lend money to friends?? What’s the best way to break up with someone? And what do you do when your friends are in a toxic relationship??
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is the Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous podcast
with iHeartRadio.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Hello, everyone, welcome to an episode of Almost Good Advice.
It's Ashley here and I'm here with the advice Master
Ben Higgins. We have three questions from Almost Famous listeners
this week, and they are as usual, Well, they're hard
questions and I know that Ben Higgins, with maybe a
(00:29):
little bit of my advice, are going to get you
through these issues. Yeah, today's issues are very they're not
really specific to these people. They're kind of questions that
everyone's going to experience in life.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
That's great, well, and that's why we do this. We
do this so that if you're listening, if you're driving
to work, if you're sitting at home, whatever you're doing,
you're listening and you can hear maybe some stories that
you can relate with to feel less alone. So let's
dive into it. Sarah has the first. How can I
ask my friend for money they borrowed from me? Here
is the story. I sent my friend two hundred dollars
(01:07):
last month as they didn't have any money left, and
they got paid, but I guess they forgot about paying
me back and I didn't say anything because I feel
bad as I also got paid that day, so I
was planning it on, asking soon if they could send
me it back because I'm sure on money. But today
they told me that they won't be getting any more
money anymore as the government gives them it. So I'm
(01:29):
not sure what to do now. But I really need
this money as it is four hours of work for
me and I'm moving out soon. How do I approach this?
Have you ever dealt with something like this?
Speaker 2 (01:43):
No? I have actually not dealt with something like this
because it sounds like your friend might be on unemployment
or something because you're saying that she or he is
getting money from the government. I have been in a
situation that's been really frustrating where a friend owes me
money and then they don't pay me back, and then
(02:04):
I then they come and they show me all their
new outfits that they got, or they tell me about
these concert tickets that they spend money on or trip
that they're going on, and I'm like, Okay, this is
so frustrating because you didn't give me back. Let's just
say two hundred dollars because like that's usually what it'll be, like,
you know, that's kind of the amount that'll like really
(02:26):
annoy you. Normally I would say you ask you just
like say, hey, is there any chance that I can
get that money that I let you? You ask once
and then I don't know, is this super super bad?
But can you VENMO request them? That's like kind of
(02:49):
the second chance. And then after that, I don't know
what you do. Then you just might have to linger
and live in frustration and just say you can't do
it again and it's a loss.
Speaker 3 (03:02):
Then well, I think, like most things, it's all about framing.
You took a leap of trust by giving your friend
two hundred dollars, and this two hundred dollars means a
lot to you, probably meant a lot to your friend,
and so that was an act of trust. And I
think when you now confront this situation, it is still
(03:24):
communicating that it was an act of trust. And I
think the trust now is being broken or it's at
least weakening. And so when you, I mean, obviously the
answer here is you have to ask. You know, maybe
it's as simple as they forgot and that could happen, right,
it does happen, but you have to ask. This is
(03:46):
I am in a belief that your debts are always paid.
This is not a worldwide feel like we or I
at least and our family unit. Here we want to
walk through life taking advantage of the gifts of others
or even institutions. So we pay our debts. I pay
my debts on the golf course. I pay my debts
to my friends when we go out to dinner. I
(04:07):
pay my debts to the bank, I pay my debts
for the house. All these things I pay my debts on.
That is a rule in our life, and so we
don't overextend. It also helps us budget. So, Sarah, what
you have to do is tell your friend, hey, reminder
that two hundred dollars I gave you that's really important
to me. Leave it there. See if they pay a back,
maybe they say I forgot oh yeah, here it is.
(04:28):
If they don't, then you have to fall up and say, hey, friend,
I did this because I trust you. Now. I don't
want this trust to be broken in our friendship, because
once trust is broken in a friendship, a lot of
bad things come. And I care about you as a friend.
So and this two hundred dollars means a lot to me.
Can you please pay me back or here's another option.
(04:50):
I understand you're in a tough situation right now, or
the government or whoever is not giving you more money.
Can we get a good plan in place to get
this money paid back. Maybe you give me twenty dollars
a week now for the next you know, ten weeks.
Maybe you pay me fifty dollars a month for the
next four months. I'll work with you to get this
money back. But I want our trust to like sustain,
(05:12):
and this is a moment where I feel like it
could be broken, and I don't want that.
Speaker 2 (05:16):
Ben. So, has there ever been a time where you
lent a friend money and they didn't pay it back.
Speaker 3 (05:22):
Yeah, but usually it's because they forgot it's you know,
it's unique in this situation where it sounds like a
lack of funds available. In those situations, like because of
my and most of my close friends would know that,
I very much believe in any any debts owede. I've
strongly believe that they are paid, and I have no
(05:43):
problem collecting on those debts if we've agreed to that.
So it's usually just a tax, like, hey, where's my money,
tuner box. It's not coming out of anger. I'm not
mad at them at all. It's just like, hey, I
we said this, and I'll I need to pay it back.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
See, I won't like lend a friend money. But if
I'm the one who's like, hey, I'll buy the tickets
for the concert, and everybody just venmo me, that's the
way it goes about. I don't just get lending a
friend money. And it's not like a trade. Situation sounds
like a trade. I mean, like you know, like you
(06:20):
buy something for somebody then say like, just spend on me.
It seems dangerous and oh.
Speaker 3 (06:26):
It's a kind act. I mean, it's nice. If I've
I've lent my friends money before when they've needed it.
I'm sure I've asked maybe for money when I've needed it.
I think it's a it is a very friend that
now I would be hesitant. Again, there's always that warning
of make sure you know what you're doing and who
you're doing it with. But I'm imagining that Sarah had
no doubt that this friend would pay it back. But
(06:49):
you know, it's sometimes what friends are for. It's sometimes
the best option to get support and help in times
that you need it. It's not a bad thing to do.
I don't advise on doing it at large levels or
with people that are, you know, showing a sign of distrust.
But it's not uncommon. It's just something now, Sarah, where
(07:12):
you are a debt collector, and because you have a
close friendship, you can now collect this debt in a kind, considerate,
caring way with at the same time giving options that
might be more helpful or more your friend might be
able to fulfill easier. And I think that is a
good way to enter into it. Say I'll work with you,
(07:33):
but hey, I give you this money and I would
like it back. That's fair, nothing wrong with that. Go
for it. Have confidence.
Speaker 2 (07:39):
It is fair, okay, So have confidence in its Sarah.
Speaker 3 (07:42):
Yeah, Anonymous says this how to break up with someone
who this is some one I'm not going to be
good at. Never get at this. My friend says, I'm
being gaslighted, but I think she just treats me badly,
if that makes sense. For reference, I am twenty one
and a male. She is the same age. She ends
the call suddenly when I say I love you, and
(08:04):
if she says I love you, I have to say
it back every time, which she does not do. She
always is hot and cold, hot when I don't give
her attention, cold when I talk to her. I want
to break up with her, but I'm not sure what
to say. This is my first time, he says. I
feel like, ben An.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
I feel like Ashley would have not so great advice,
considering she's only broken up with one person and it
was short term enough that I didn't think it was
I mean, it weighs heavy on you when you're about
to do it, and the dread is awful. The dread
is awful, The dreads the worst part, and then once
(08:46):
you do it, you'll like cry, but then like a
part of it are relief tears because it's just off
your shoulders. This girl. I mean, I'm glad that you're
breaking up with this girl because it sounds like she
you know, you don't need this in your life. But
ben so, what is your advice? I just like to
(09:07):
go with what Wells said. Wells said one thing, and
it always has stuck with me. And then of course
it's dependent on the situation and the length of the relationship.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
But the just.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
You're you know, like I like you, like you're a
great person, but you're just not my person, Like you're
just not my long term person, and then you kind
of can't switch it. You can't really work your way
out of that, you know, when you're the person that's
being broken up with.
Speaker 3 (09:42):
Yeah, it's not not true. Yeah, okay, I actually can
do this. First off, buddy, you're not alone. Breaking up
is really hard. As Ashley was saying, there's dread, there's confusion,
there's questioning, am I making the right decision or not.
There's a lot of anxiety, And so if you're feeling
any of those things at all, you're not alone. Just
(10:04):
know that I felt that way, that Ashley has felt
that way, and millions of other people on this earth,
as we've gone through a dating journey, have felt that way.
So you're totally normal. It's totally fine if you're feeling that,
if you're questioning all these things. Breaking up is even
more difficult when you have a partner who's manipulative. And
(10:27):
from everything you're saying here, your partner is manipulating you.
They are making you chase, they are keeping you on
your toes, they are intentionally keeping you questioning things, and
in those moments with that in the relationship, breaking up
is even harder because you're questioning everything even more, and
(10:48):
you're probably going to receive some type of feedback once
you break up with her, where it makes you feel
about an inch tall, like it's going to make you
feel really small. It's going to make you hurt really bad,
and you just have to almost expect that and work
through it. So here's what I would do. Here's what
I would say. My advice for anybody that asked me,
(11:12):
how do you break up well? Is you never break
up well? Like very The breaking up well typically comes
from either a mutual conversation that it doesn't sound like
you're going to be able to have, or time. So
sometimes breakups, like I am friends with some of my exes,
not all of them, but some of them like friends,
like I care about them deeply. I want to see
(11:33):
them thrive, I want to see their life go on
in a great way. I want to support them well,
and they do the same to me. That's because, well,
one we watched our words that were said when we
were breaking up. We both knew it was for the
best that we broke up, and time healed, and so
as we went on, we don't have these memories of
one of us saying to the other Hey, you suck,
(11:54):
or you're a terrible person, or you don't deserve to
do X y Z, you don't deserve love. No, we
said respectful things. We sometimes bit our tongue because we were
maybe angry or hurt in the moment. And over time
then maybe we reconnected and say, hey, this season of
life that we shared together, that was a really great season.
And there was a reason that we dated. There is
(12:15):
a reason we were attracted to each other. It wasn't forever,
but you added so much benefit to my life. And
so now you know what. We can be friends, not
close friends. They're not my closest confidence, but I care
about them hopefully they care about me. So my first
advice to you is, even if you're hurt, even if
she is saying words back to you that are super
hurtful for you personally, bite your tongue. Don't say too
(12:40):
much in this moment. The best breakups, the best way
to break up is to rip the band aid off.
It is short, it is sweet, it is to the point,
and then you figure out how to move on. And
the moving on part is more of a personal journey.
You're gonna do that alone. You're gonna do that away.
It might bring some tears, it might bring some loneliness.
You might still have that feeling of, oh, I want
(13:00):
to check her Instagram or I want to text her
today or call her or see what she's doing. You
might feel all those things, and you're gonna have to
deal with those things personally. That's a whole different topic.
But the best way to break up is it's quick.
It's to the point, it's not personal. It doesn't use words.
They're going to last in hurt and be remembered upon.
It's gonna say, hey, as Ashley said, I am not
(13:22):
my best person in this relationship. I don't know how
you feel about yourself, but I know I don't feel
like I am my best version of myself in this relationship.
And as a result, like I've thought about it a lot,
and because I'm not my best, you're not the right
person for me, and I'm not the right person for
you at this time in our life, and so we
(13:43):
need to break up, like we need, we need to
move on, and that's it. And then let all the
words start firing. Maybe some questions get asked that you
can try to answer again in a short and sweet way.
But if you're really feeling this like tug, like we
got it in this relationship. I can't be in this
relationship any longer. You're gonna have to start this conversation
(14:04):
in the midst of dread and anxiety and pain and
her and confusion, and just get those words out and
then as soon as you can't, hang up that phone
and move on.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
There you go. It's good advice, Ben, that's not almost
good advice. That's good advice.
Speaker 3 (14:19):
I hate it. I hate breaking up, I do, but
it is. You know what, there is a good there's
a better way to do it. That there's not a
right way to do it, but there's a better way.
And the better way is short and sweeten to the point. Ashley,
(14:40):
we got a final question here.
Speaker 1 (14:41):
M hm.
Speaker 3 (14:42):
It's from anonymous again says I think my friend's girlfriend
is cheating on him. I don't know how to let
him know this. So my friend is a twenty three
year old guy and as in a relationship with a
college mate for one year before they started doing long distance.
It's been four months since they have been doing long distance.
For the past the girl hasn't been calling him at all,
(15:02):
and all the text seem to be very one sided.
It's mostly just her replying to his messages and not
initiating conversations. He did confront her about this, and she
told him that nothing is going well for her in
her work and in her family, so she's solving one
thing at a time and this is tying her out.
(15:24):
But what made me feel fishy is that almost every
day she goes out, she tells him it's either a
colleague or a mutual friend, but we don't know for sure.
She tells him that since they drop her back to
her place, she is saving money on transportation, and so
she doesn't mind spending time with him, even one hundred
days off. She doesn't call him. Instead, she goes out
(15:47):
with someone. I have a fishy feeling that she might
be cheating on him, but I'm unable to tell him this.
Speaker 2 (15:54):
We are also unable to prove that that is the case.
So you might be coming up with this just you
might just be fabricating this in your head. But you
are being open with the friend enough that you know
that he confronted her about this situation. The one sidedness
(16:16):
and her just seeming not to be initiating, you know,
her not being initiating of things. So if you guys
are like having chats about the girlfriend and the fact
that things aren't going super swimmingly, you can just say,
has it crossed your mind that maybe there's somebody else?
You don't say that she's cheating on you, but you
(16:37):
think that there could be someone else that she's interested in,
And then you put it into his hands and he
can do the detective work. He can do the prying
in conversation with her.
Speaker 3 (16:55):
Well, one, I think maybe you don't even approach that
the fact or the idea that she's cheating on him.
I think the conversation here is like, your friend is
in a very unhealthy relationship. He is not getting what
he needs out of this relationship. For her to say
that she's dealing with one thing at a time is fair.
(17:15):
I'm good for her. She's doing what's you know, what
she needs. However, the question there is when you enter
into a committed romantic relationship, it is a priority in
your life. You were saying, I have the space, the time,
the effort, and the desire to pay attention to this relationship. Now,
every couple has their own different dance. You know, some
couples need to talk all the time. Some couples need
(17:37):
to talk once a day, Some couples need to just
like check in on each other. Whatever. If you're doing
long distance, you know, I did a long distance for
three years. We had our own dance and our own
way of going about things. However, the focus, because we
both cared about each other, was still how is like,
how are we keeping this relationship healthy? How we keeping alive?
What does Jessica need? Was a question I'd ask myself.
(18:00):
She'd probably ask herself the same question. What has been
need from me today? Does he need me to call
him five times?
Speaker 1 (18:05):
Maybe?
Speaker 3 (18:06):
Maybe not. Maybe he just needs me to check in
on a night, Maybe he needs a text because he's
been in meetings all day, whatever that may be. When
you're in a relationship, it is a priority. It is
a focus, and you are spending intentional time thinking about
in order to keep this relationship alive. Now, this is
all given with the idea that you care to keep
this relationship alive. As soon as someone stops caring about
(18:27):
keeping the relationship alive, the intention in the pursuit is gone.
And it sounds like this girl's intention in pursuit is gone.
So talk to everybody about that. Don't talk to about
what you think could be happening. Talk to him what
about what actually is happening, which is that she's distant,
she's not putting effort in.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
I have to laugh because, like, your advice is so
much more thought out and just so much more intelligent
than mine. Yeah, get to the root of the problem
is not is not her possibly cheating, it's that she's
just not being a good partner at all.
Speaker 3 (19:01):
Yeah, and bring that up and say, hey, I care
about you, buddy. I want to see you find somebody
that like it, you know, desires you as much as
you desire them. And in this what I'm seeing is
that she doesn't desire you, or that she's distant from you.
How are And then the court then, instead of going
on and on about what you think, the best question
is how are you feeling in this relationship? Friend? Like,
(19:22):
how are you feeling? Talk to me about it? I
want to be here for you.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
I think that perhaps she's trying to fade him out.
I wouldn't say it's straight ghosting, because she's not ghosting,
but she's thinking, oh, I'm in a long distance relationship.
If I don't show like a ton of initiation, then
maybe he'll break up with me instead of me having
to break up with him. And like we just said,
(19:46):
breakups really suck. Being the person breaking up with the
other sometimes can be worse. And if you're not having
to see each other face to face, sometimes it's easier
to be the one who is open up with And
maybe she's just trying to make that situation work out
for her.
Speaker 3 (20:05):
It's almost good advice With Ashley and Ben. We're here
to talk to you about all of your problems, anything
happening in the world. But if it comes to finance, relationships, dating, friendships, work,
I don't know what else. What else is life? Hobbies?
How do you get better at golf? I could talk
to you about that for four hours. You want me
to do that, just give me a call. Hey, We're
always here to listen. We're always here to try and help.
(20:27):
Can't promise the best advice, but we can promise almost
good advice. So until next time, I've been Ben.
Speaker 2 (20:33):
I've been Ashley. See you guys.
Speaker 1 (20:36):
Follow the Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous podcasts on
iHeartRadio or subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.
This is the Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous podcast
with iHeartRadio.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Hello, everyone, welcome to an episode of Almost Good Advice.
It's Ashley here and I'm here with the advice Master
Ben Higgins. We have three questions from Almost Famous listeners
this week, and they are as usual, Well, they're hard
questions and I know that Ben Higgins, with maybe a
(00:29):
little bit of my advice, are going to get you
through these issues. Yeah, today's issues are very they're not
really specific to these people. They're kind of questions that
everyone's going to experience in life.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
That's great, well, and that's why we do this. We
do this so that if you're listening, if you're driving
to work, if you're sitting at home, whatever you're doing,
you're listening and you can hear maybe some stories that
you can relate with to feel less alone. So let's
dive into it. Sarah has the first. How can I
ask my friend for money they borrowed from me? Here
is the story. I sent my friend two hundred dollars
(01:07):
last month as they didn't have any money left, and
they got paid, but I guess they forgot about paying
me back and I didn't say anything because I feel
bad as I also got paid that day, so I
was planning it on, asking soon if they could send
me it back because I'm sure on money. But today
they told me that they won't be getting any more
money anymore as the government gives them it. So I'm
(01:29):
not sure what to do now. But I really need
this money as it is four hours of work for
me and I'm moving out soon. How do I approach this?
Have you ever dealt with something like this?
Speaker 2 (01:43):
No? I have actually not dealt with something like this
because it sounds like your friend might be on unemployment
or something because you're saying that she or he is
getting money from the government. I have been in a
situation that's been really frustrating where a friend owes me
money and then they don't pay me back, and then
(02:04):
I then they come and they show me all their
new outfits that they got, or they tell me about
these concert tickets that they spend money on or trip
that they're going on, and I'm like, Okay, this is
so frustrating because you didn't give me back. Let's just
say two hundred dollars because like that's usually what it'll be, like,
you know, that's kind of the amount that'll like really
(02:26):
annoy you. Normally I would say you ask you just
like say, hey, is there any chance that I can
get that money that I let you? You ask once
and then I don't know, is this super super bad?
But can you VENMO request them? That's like kind of
(02:49):
the second chance. And then after that, I don't know
what you do. Then you just might have to linger
and live in frustration and just say you can't do
it again and it's a loss.
Speaker 3 (03:02):
Then well, I think, like most things, it's all about framing.
You took a leap of trust by giving your friend
two hundred dollars, and this two hundred dollars means a
lot to you, probably meant a lot to your friend,
and so that was an act of trust. And I
think when you now confront this situation, it is still
(03:24):
communicating that it was an act of trust. And I
think the trust now is being broken or it's at
least weakening. And so when you, I mean, obviously the
answer here is you have to ask. You know, maybe
it's as simple as they forgot and that could happen, right,
it does happen, but you have to ask. This is
(03:46):
I am in a belief that your debts are always paid.
This is not a worldwide feel like we or I
at least and our family unit. Here we want to
walk through life taking advantage of the gifts of others
or even institutions. So we pay our debts. I pay
my debts on the golf course. I pay my debts
to my friends when we go out to dinner. I
(04:07):
pay my debts to the bank, I pay my debts
for the house. All these things I pay my debts on.
That is a rule in our life, and so we
don't overextend. It also helps us budget. So, Sarah, what
you have to do is tell your friend, hey, reminder
that two hundred dollars I gave you that's really important
to me. Leave it there. See if they pay a back,
maybe they say I forgot oh yeah, here it is.
(04:28):
If they don't, then you have to fall up and say, hey, friend,
I did this because I trust you. Now. I don't
want this trust to be broken in our friendship, because
once trust is broken in a friendship, a lot of
bad things come. And I care about you as a friend.
So and this two hundred dollars means a lot to me.
Can you please pay me back or here's another option.
(04:50):
I understand you're in a tough situation right now, or
the government or whoever is not giving you more money.
Can we get a good plan in place to get
this money paid back. Maybe you give me twenty dollars
a week now for the next you know, ten weeks.
Maybe you pay me fifty dollars a month for the
next four months. I'll work with you to get this
money back. But I want our trust to like sustain,
(05:12):
and this is a moment where I feel like it
could be broken, and I don't want that.
Speaker 2 (05:16):
Ben. So, has there ever been a time where you
lent a friend money and they didn't pay it back.
Speaker 3 (05:22):
Yeah, but usually it's because they forgot it's you know,
it's unique in this situation where it sounds like a
lack of funds available. In those situations, like because of
my and most of my close friends would know that,
I very much believe in any any debts owede. I've
strongly believe that they are paid, and I have no
(05:43):
problem collecting on those debts if we've agreed to that.
So it's usually just a tax, like, hey, where's my money,
tuner box. It's not coming out of anger. I'm not
mad at them at all. It's just like, hey, I
we said this, and I'll I need to pay it back.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
See, I won't like lend a friend money. But if
I'm the one who's like, hey, I'll buy the tickets
for the concert, and everybody just venmo me, that's the
way it goes about. I don't just get lending a
friend money. And it's not like a trade. Situation sounds
like a trade. I mean, like you know, like you
(06:20):
buy something for somebody then say like, just spend on me.
It seems dangerous and oh.
Speaker 3 (06:26):
It's a kind act. I mean, it's nice. If I've
I've lent my friends money before when they've needed it.
I'm sure I've asked maybe for money when I've needed it.
I think it's a it is a very friend that
now I would be hesitant. Again, there's always that warning
of make sure you know what you're doing and who
you're doing it with. But I'm imagining that Sarah had
no doubt that this friend would pay it back. But
(06:49):
you know, it's sometimes what friends are for. It's sometimes
the best option to get support and help in times
that you need it. It's not a bad thing to do.
I don't advise on doing it at large levels or
with people that are, you know, showing a sign of distrust.
But it's not uncommon. It's just something now, Sarah, where
(07:12):
you are a debt collector, and because you have a
close friendship, you can now collect this debt in a kind, considerate,
caring way with at the same time giving options that
might be more helpful or more your friend might be
able to fulfill easier. And I think that is a
good way to enter into it. Say I'll work with you,
(07:33):
but hey, I give you this money and I would
like it back. That's fair, nothing wrong with that. Go
for it. Have confidence.
Speaker 2 (07:39):
It is fair, okay, So have confidence in its Sarah.
Speaker 3 (07:42):
Yeah, Anonymous says this how to break up with someone
who this is some one I'm not going to be
good at. Never get at this. My friend says, I'm
being gaslighted, but I think she just treats me badly,
if that makes sense. For reference, I am twenty one
and a male. She is the same age. She ends
the call suddenly when I say I love you, and
(08:04):
if she says I love you, I have to say
it back every time, which she does not do. She
always is hot and cold, hot when I don't give
her attention, cold when I talk to her. I want
to break up with her, but I'm not sure what
to say. This is my first time, he says. I
feel like, ben An.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
I feel like Ashley would have not so great advice,
considering she's only broken up with one person and it
was short term enough that I didn't think it was
I mean, it weighs heavy on you when you're about
to do it, and the dread is awful. The dread
is awful, The dreads the worst part, and then once
(08:46):
you do it, you'll like cry, but then like a
part of it are relief tears because it's just off
your shoulders. This girl. I mean, I'm glad that you're
breaking up with this girl because it sounds like she
you know, you don't need this in your life. But
ben so, what is your advice? I just like to
(09:07):
go with what Wells said. Wells said one thing, and
it always has stuck with me. And then of course
it's dependent on the situation and the length of the relationship.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
But the just.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
You're you know, like I like you, like you're a
great person, but you're just not my person, Like you're
just not my long term person, and then you kind
of can't switch it. You can't really work your way
out of that, you know, when you're the person that's
being broken up with.
Speaker 3 (09:42):
Yeah, it's not not true. Yeah, okay, I actually can
do this. First off, buddy, you're not alone. Breaking up
is really hard. As Ashley was saying, there's dread, there's confusion,
there's questioning, am I making the right decision or not.
There's a lot of anxiety, And so if you're feeling
any of those things at all, you're not alone. Just
(10:04):
know that I felt that way, that Ashley has felt
that way, and millions of other people on this earth,
as we've gone through a dating journey, have felt that way.
So you're totally normal. It's totally fine if you're feeling that,
if you're questioning all these things. Breaking up is even
more difficult when you have a partner who's manipulative. And
(10:27):
from everything you're saying here, your partner is manipulating you.
They are making you chase, they are keeping you on
your toes, they are intentionally keeping you questioning things, and
in those moments with that in the relationship, breaking up
is even harder because you're questioning everything even more, and
(10:48):
you're probably going to receive some type of feedback once
you break up with her, where it makes you feel
about an inch tall, like it's going to make you
feel really small. It's going to make you hurt really bad,
and you just have to almost expect that and work
through it. So here's what I would do. Here's what
I would say. My advice for anybody that asked me,
(11:12):
how do you break up well? Is you never break
up well? Like very The breaking up well typically comes
from either a mutual conversation that it doesn't sound like
you're going to be able to have, or time. So
sometimes breakups, like I am friends with some of my exes,
not all of them, but some of them like friends,
like I care about them deeply. I want to see
(11:33):
them thrive, I want to see their life go on
in a great way. I want to support them well,
and they do the same to me. That's because, well,
one we watched our words that were said when we
were breaking up. We both knew it was for the
best that we broke up, and time healed, and so
as we went on, we don't have these memories of
one of us saying to the other Hey, you suck,
(11:54):
or you're a terrible person, or you don't deserve to
do X y Z, you don't deserve love. No, we
said respectful things. We sometimes bit our tongue because we were
maybe angry or hurt in the moment. And over time
then maybe we reconnected and say, hey, this season of
life that we shared together, that was a really great season.
And there was a reason that we dated. There is
(12:15):
a reason we were attracted to each other. It wasn't forever,
but you added so much benefit to my life. And
so now you know what. We can be friends, not
close friends. They're not my closest confidence, but I care
about them hopefully they care about me. So my first
advice to you is, even if you're hurt, even if
she is saying words back to you that are super
hurtful for you personally, bite your tongue. Don't say too
(12:40):
much in this moment. The best breakups, the best way
to break up is to rip the band aid off.
It is short, it is sweet, it is to the point,
and then you figure out how to move on. And
the moving on part is more of a personal journey.
You're gonna do that alone. You're gonna do that away.
It might bring some tears, it might bring some loneliness.
You might still have that feeling of, oh, I want
(13:00):
to check her Instagram or I want to text her
today or call her or see what she's doing. You
might feel all those things, and you're gonna have to
deal with those things personally. That's a whole different topic.
But the best way to break up is it's quick.
It's to the point, it's not personal. It doesn't use words.
They're going to last in hurt and be remembered upon.
It's gonna say, hey, as Ashley said, I am not
(13:22):
my best person in this relationship. I don't know how
you feel about yourself, but I know I don't feel
like I am my best version of myself in this relationship.
And as a result, like I've thought about it a lot,
and because I'm not my best, you're not the right
person for me, and I'm not the right person for
you at this time in our life, and so we
(13:43):
need to break up, like we need, we need to
move on, and that's it. And then let all the
words start firing. Maybe some questions get asked that you
can try to answer again in a short and sweet way.
But if you're really feeling this like tug, like we
got it in this relationship. I can't be in this
relationship any longer. You're gonna have to start this conversation
(14:04):
in the midst of dread and anxiety and pain and
her and confusion, and just get those words out and
then as soon as you can't, hang up that phone
and move on.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
There you go. It's good advice, Ben, that's not almost
good advice. That's good advice.
Speaker 3 (14:19):
I hate it. I hate breaking up, I do, but
it is. You know what, there is a good there's
a better way to do it. That there's not a
right way to do it, but there's a better way.
And the better way is short and sweeten to the point. Ashley,
(14:40):
we got a final question here.
Speaker 1 (14:41):
M hm.
Speaker 3 (14:42):
It's from anonymous again says I think my friend's girlfriend
is cheating on him. I don't know how to let
him know this. So my friend is a twenty three
year old guy and as in a relationship with a
college mate for one year before they started doing long distance.
It's been four months since they have been doing long distance.
For the past the girl hasn't been calling him at all,
(15:02):
and all the text seem to be very one sided.
It's mostly just her replying to his messages and not
initiating conversations. He did confront her about this, and she
told him that nothing is going well for her in
her work and in her family, so she's solving one
thing at a time and this is tying her out.
(15:24):
But what made me feel fishy is that almost every
day she goes out, she tells him it's either a
colleague or a mutual friend, but we don't know for sure.
She tells him that since they drop her back to
her place, she is saving money on transportation, and so
she doesn't mind spending time with him, even one hundred
days off. She doesn't call him. Instead, she goes out
(15:47):
with someone. I have a fishy feeling that she might
be cheating on him, but I'm unable to tell him this.
Speaker 2 (15:54):
We are also unable to prove that that is the case.
So you might be coming up with this just you
might just be fabricating this in your head. But you
are being open with the friend enough that you know
that he confronted her about this situation. The one sidedness
(16:16):
and her just seeming not to be initiating, you know,
her not being initiating of things. So if you guys
are like having chats about the girlfriend and the fact
that things aren't going super swimmingly, you can just say,
has it crossed your mind that maybe there's somebody else?
You don't say that she's cheating on you, but you
(16:37):
think that there could be someone else that she's interested in,
And then you put it into his hands and he
can do the detective work. He can do the prying
in conversation with her.
Speaker 3 (16:55):
Well, one, I think maybe you don't even approach that
the fact or the idea that she's cheating on him.
I think the conversation here is like, your friend is
in a very unhealthy relationship. He is not getting what
he needs out of this relationship. For her to say
that she's dealing with one thing at a time is fair.
(17:15):
I'm good for her. She's doing what's you know, what
she needs. However, the question there is when you enter
into a committed romantic relationship, it is a priority in
your life. You were saying, I have the space, the time,
the effort, and the desire to pay attention to this relationship. Now,
every couple has their own different dance. You know, some
couples need to talk all the time. Some couples need
(17:37):
to talk once a day, Some couples need to just
like check in on each other. Whatever. If you're doing
long distance, you know, I did a long distance for
three years. We had our own dance and our own
way of going about things. However, the focus, because we
both cared about each other, was still how is like,
how are we keeping this relationship healthy? How we keeping alive?
What does Jessica need? Was a question I'd ask myself.
(18:00):
She'd probably ask herself the same question. What has been
need from me today? Does he need me to call
him five times?
Speaker 1 (18:05):
Maybe?
Speaker 3 (18:06):
Maybe not. Maybe he just needs me to check in
on a night, Maybe he needs a text because he's
been in meetings all day, whatever that may be. When
you're in a relationship, it is a priority. It is
a focus, and you are spending intentional time thinking about
in order to keep this relationship alive. Now, this is
all given with the idea that you care to keep
this relationship alive. As soon as someone stops caring about
(18:27):
keeping the relationship alive, the intention in the pursuit is gone.
And it sounds like this girl's intention in pursuit is gone.
So talk to everybody about that. Don't talk to about
what you think could be happening. Talk to him what
about what actually is happening, which is that she's distant,
she's not putting effort in.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
I have to laugh because, like, your advice is so
much more thought out and just so much more intelligent
than mine. Yeah, get to the root of the problem
is not is not her possibly cheating, it's that she's
just not being a good partner at all.
Speaker 3 (19:01):
Yeah, and bring that up and say, hey, I care
about you, buddy. I want to see you find somebody
that like it, you know, desires you as much as
you desire them. And in this what I'm seeing is
that she doesn't desire you, or that she's distant from you.
How are And then the court then, instead of going
on and on about what you think, the best question
is how are you feeling in this relationship? Friend? Like,
(19:22):
how are you feeling? Talk to me about it? I
want to be here for you.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
I think that perhaps she's trying to fade him out.
I wouldn't say it's straight ghosting, because she's not ghosting,
but she's thinking, oh, I'm in a long distance relationship.
If I don't show like a ton of initiation, then
maybe he'll break up with me instead of me having
to break up with him. And like we just said,
(19:46):
breakups really suck. Being the person breaking up with the
other sometimes can be worse. And if you're not having
to see each other face to face, sometimes it's easier
to be the one who is open up with And
maybe she's just trying to make that situation work out
for her.
Speaker 3 (20:05):
It's almost good advice With Ashley and Ben. We're here
to talk to you about all of your problems, anything
happening in the world. But if it comes to finance, relationships, dating, friendships, work,
I don't know what else. What else is life? Hobbies?
How do you get better at golf? I could talk
to you about that for four hours. You want me
to do that, just give me a call. Hey, We're
always here to listen. We're always here to try and help.
(20:27):
Can't promise the best advice, but we can promise almost
good advice. So until next time, I've been Ben.
Speaker 2 (20:33):
I've been Ashley. See you guys.
Speaker 1 (20:36):
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