Country Singer/Songwriter Stephanie Quayle discusses her new book "Why Do We Stay?: How My Toxic Relationship Can Help You Find Freedom " and her process of healing after she lost her boyfriend in a plane crash and then discovered she had not been the only woman in his life.
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(00:00):
Hi, it's Angie Ward. Thankyou so much for checking out my podcast
today, and Happy International Women's Monthto any women who are listening right now.
I am so excited today. Myguest is a very empowering woman in
my life. Her name is StephanieQuayle. She is a country singer,
songwriter and now an author, andtoday we're going to talk about her new
(00:20):
book that is going to be outon April the thirtieth, called Why Do
We Stay? How My Toxic Relationshipcan help you find freedom. If you're
listening right now and you have foundyourself in a relationship, or maybe someone
you love has been in a relationshipwith a narcissistic, controlling individual and you
(00:42):
want to try to help them getout of that relationship. Stephanie has some
great tips for that. Ladies andgentlemen, my good friend, Stephanie Quayle.
First of all, Steph, Iam so excited to talk to you.
We've been friends for a long time. We don't get to see each
other often enough. At least wecan talk. That is the truth.
This is wonderful to be to behere with you and get to share all
(01:06):
our wild adventures. Well I know, well most of the world knows you
as a singer and a songwriter,but now you're an author. And when
I saw you post about this bookand then I read about the subject,
I got to tell you I wasreally I was shocked, honestly, because
I didn't realize you had gone throughthis and I've been through something similar and
(01:27):
I had just gone through it witha girlfriend who had gone through it.
And what I'm talking about is thefact that you had been in a long
term relationship with someone and found outthat everything about it had been a lot
and your new book that is comingout, Why do we stay? How
my toxic relationship can help you findfreedom? Is kind of a roadmap to
(01:51):
help other women who find themselves inthese situations of a narcissistic, gaslighting,
compulsive lying situation with another individual.Now you have been through quite the process
of healing for this. You havewritten an album about it, you have
a short film about it, andnow the book. But if you don't
(02:12):
mind, I would like for usto go back to the beginning of kind
of how it all started and howthis crazy story unfolded. Oh wow,
so how much time do we have? I give you my best my best
version that I can to kind ofcondense what is now fifteen years. So
(02:35):
taking everyone back to two thousand andnine, I was in a very serious
relationship with a guy that I thoughtI was going to marry. I was
raising his daughter with him. Thiswas my guy, this was my person.
And it was a Wednesday, Januarytwenty eighth of two thousand and nine,
and he went flying. He wasa pilot. He had a little
(02:55):
airplane he took up and the engineinstalled, and so he tried to turn
it back around to get it backon the runway and the plane crashed and
there was nothing left of him andhis passenger. So that was a Wednesday,
Angie and I grieved and mourned likeanyone who's ever experienced grief, it's
(03:21):
there's nothing like it. It's youknow, they can tell you you'll go
through all these different things, butit's just unmeasurable grief, mourning, feeling.
It's just it's just the strangest experience. And so cut to five days
later, we had a public memorialfor him at the airport where he had
crashed and where he had spent youknow, so much of his time,
(03:45):
having his hangar there and such andthat was when I discovered that I wasn't
the only woman at his memorial,So my grief was truncated, and within
five days I went from grieving thelove of my life to learning that everything
that I'd known was a lie andreally not even barely able to scratch the
(04:06):
magnitude of that phrase, you know, when you think of everything as a
sham. What's so crazy too?You know? Now fast forward? You
know I put out the album aboutthis because I never wrote about it.
I never told anyone about it.We met years ago, and I never
shared anything in my music because Iknew if I touched it, I would
(04:29):
have to touch it. And youknow, so much of me was protecting
his daughter. But I also thinkI just hadn't done the processing and the
healing. You know, this isnot something we get over. We have
to get through it in order toreally heal from it. And it wasn't
till She's extraordinary and still a hugepart of my life. She reached out
(04:51):
to me in April of twenty twentyone and just shared that she was no
longer going to carry his secrets,and she started painting her way through her
healing, and it just gave methis sense of not only relief, but
just thinking, Okay, she doesn'tshe doesn't need my protection. Now,
(05:11):
maybe it's time I try to writethis in music and get it out of
me, because clearly it's still insideright, like the things we hold within
us are not meant to be inthere. We are not meant to carry
so much it's just too much.We're not meant to carry it. And
so I began the process of writingsongs. And my co writer Toritoiller,
(05:33):
who I wrote Selfish with and othersongs off all the different albums over the
course of my career, she andI just went to Montana. We held
up in my house for a fewdays and we just let the songs come
out. And it was the mosthealing, terrifying, awful, wonderful experience
because I just didn't realize how unfineI was. You know, I think
(05:59):
my been new. You know,I've been beautifully married now almost nine years,
together with him for ten, andI think he's just known that there's
nothing anyone can say to get youthere faster to you're healing. Yeah,
I think he just knew like there'sstill unfinished business. And so that led
to putting out the album, whichled to a podcast in a short film
and led to a conversation with HarperCollins, which is my book publisher. And
(06:24):
it started as like, well,well maybe this, you know, like
this is a memoir and a conversation, and then you know, as time
as we're building out the book,it's like, man, we think this
is bigger, and what if wewere to bring in an expert, you
know, Keith Campbell on this conversationand use your story, utilize your story
(06:45):
as a way to fully dissect whathappened to you, and then have this
expert right speak to it so thatwe can help others see the signs if
they're in it, or if they'renear it, or if they're trying to
get out of it. Now Igo full jugular in my book, My
Own Story, because we want thelisteners to understand, like, the only
reason I left my first toxic relationshiphe died. I didn't leave. And
(07:10):
there's a lot of shame I thinkthat falls on us when we stay in
relationships too long, and you know, people you know are quick to say
we'll get over it and move onand all these kind of short things because
we don't want to have to feelour stuff. You know, it's a
lot. This was really my opportunityto fully expose myself to myself first and
(07:30):
foremost and go to all the placesthat I had been avoiding. And through
that exposure and through these incredible conversationswith Keith and understanding there's so much more
going on with narcissists and sociopaths andpsychopaths. Like what we can do is
(07:50):
continue to get strong, because badpeople are bad people. They're going to
come in our lives, out ofour lives. But the more we strengthen
ourselves, right right, that's howwe really get armed in that armor of
no, you can't, you can'ttrick me like I got it now.
Have you let any of your familyor friends read it yet? My husband's
(08:11):
reading it right now, which Ifind really funny. My husband and my
dad are reading it now. Mymom and my stepmom read it along the
way because I kept checking with themand she going like, I'm writing this
and I keep having to remember thatthis is real, Like this really happens
to me. You know, it'sstranger than fiction. Yeah, that was
what I was gonna say. Italmost sounds like one of those lifetime movies
(08:31):
right where you would seem honestly,Sevi, I'm sure it will end up
being a lifetime movie. Yeah.I think it's probably gonna end up being
a movie for sure. But youknow, I am so proud of you
and find it so amazing that throughall these years of you trying to find
healing, you found a way tohelp others. You know, I told
(08:54):
you at the beginning. Obviously minewas not as traumatic it to you,
but I went through a relationship whereI found out I was not the only
woman. It had been a verylong relationship. He was living a double
life. Brutal. Yeah, it'sbrutal, and I'm so sorry. I
had no idea. Well, andyou get stronger, right, uh,
(09:15):
you have guards that you put up. And then, as I found out
about your book, just like simultaneously, one of my very, very very
best friends called me in turmoil becauseshe had found out the guy she'd been
dating for almost a year had donethe same thing to her. And I
told her, I said, well, you know, I realize now why
God put me through what I wentthrough so I would be able to help
(09:39):
you through this. So to thatpoint, are you able to grasp and
recognize that through your journey, you'rehelping so many other people. I think
when I first I first put outthe music, I didn't know. I
really did think that I felt morelike an island. And then quickly started
(10:01):
getting messages from so many people abouthaving you know, like the conversation we're
having right now, of just beinglike you know, kind of shell shocked
from being in a relationship and thenfinding out that they weren't the only one,
or after someone died, learning thateverything was a lie. So my
hope is with this book that itwill help I mean, I'm going to
(10:24):
just put it out there millions ofwomen, and my hope is that it
will also speak to millions of men. One of my greatest I got to
share the book with a friend ofmine and his response back was, as
I'm reading your story, it makesme want to be a better husband.
And that was so compelling. Wow, oh it just got chills. That
(10:48):
has got to make you feel goodto know that stepping out of your comfort
zone like you have has already hadan effect. You know, music is
my heart and my love. I'vebeen a part of country music for along
that, you know, to nowget to have another aspect of me that
can be so honest and truthful andhopefully be something that you know, can
(11:11):
be a guide and a tool forothers of like hey, in my case,
what not to do? Yeah.Also, you know, you know,
we were not crazy, We're notinsecure. You know, it's it's
a matter of these types that arenarcissists and our professionals at being deceitful.
(11:33):
You know, you just think about, like what if they just put their
efforts to good, you know,like our world would change. Also,
Stephanie, like you, I've knownyou for so many years. You're You're
not a wallflower. You are avery strong, resilient woman. I obviously
am a career woman. It's soimportant to point out that it's not a
(11:54):
sign of weakness. If you quoteunquote fall for this, or if this
happens to you, it doesn't meanthat you're a weak person. It doesn't
mean that you're stupid, it doesn'tmean even that you're naive. To share
your story and show other women thatthis can happen, and I'm just can
(12:15):
happen to anyone, Yeah, anyone, And absolutely not to beat yourself up.
I don't know about you, butwhat I went through was just this
horrible depression where I felt like Iwas to blame, I was unworthy.
Sure I was the idiot. Howcome I didn't see it? What you
know? And like, like youyou uh talk about in the book there
(12:41):
are signs you just don't want tosee them, right, you don't or
you get convinced very impeccably by theperson that you know what your what your
gut is, saying what your intuitionand saying when your head cocks like a
little sidews and are like, whatdid you just say? You know,
when you feel that question inside rightnow, when I get that way,
I don't. I don't even like, I don't even finish the conversation if
(13:05):
I get into a conversation now wherea little bit of me goes, huh,
I'm out. How did you getto that point? Oh? I
mean it has taken a lot oftime, I think. Initially, right,
I was like, if if everthere was a time I was going
to go into a career other thancountry music, it would have been like
a criminal investigator. Because after afterI learned that, you know, everything
(13:31):
was not as it seemed, andthis this circus that had been orchestrated even
beyond you know, the infidelity.I just I wanted to note everything,
which not necessarily is the healthiest approach, but it's the approach that I took
because it was I was so justunwound about it all right, it was
(13:56):
just it had me so out ofsorts and therapy, grief counseling, studying,
looking at this all like, youknow, what, what can I
do to get stronger? Because Ihave no control over other people? Right,
And I think the closing of that, and another reason I hope this
(14:16):
book is such a tool is becauseI hope that it gives people time back.
Because you know, when you shareabout you know, the years you
were in that relationship. Same withme. I don't get those years back.
But if I can give other peoplea little piece of my life,
that is it gives them like aquicker departure and an unhealthy racial relationship,
(14:37):
you know, and and or ifthey're falling into a relationship like unsure that
this gives them kind of that compassof you know, here's every reason that
these things could happen, So reallycheck yourself, you know. And it
took me a long time to forgivehim, but ultimately I think the way
(14:58):
that we get to where I amnow is by forgiving ourselves because, like
you said, guilt, shame,I'm unworthy. I all those feelings that
come with this are really heavy,and people have a hard time understanding the
(15:18):
depths of this conversation, right unlessthey're in it, or unless they've been
through it, or unless you know. So it's very easy to just kind
of write off people that are goingthrough hard things because it makes us look
at our own lives. That isso true. I mean, in my
instance, there were so many signs, so many things, so many times
(15:41):
I questioned them and he always hadan answer. And there were even times
where his family, I mean,they knew that I was the quote unquote
other woman in his life, andat no point, you know, did
they pull me aside and say,hey, I think you need to know
this or whatever. Like it waslike they just knew their son with a
(16:04):
liar, and that made me feeleven more. I don't know dumb that
I had fallen for it, butthey knew the truth. I'm always fascinated
by what you just said because therewere many people in my life that knew
yeah, and never that new firsthandhad information to say no, he he
(16:30):
is for sure cheating on you.Wow, what they didn't They didn't tell
me. Did you ever talk toany of them after the fact about it?
Oh yeah, oh yeah, likeuh agent Quail talked, he would
she would fall. I mean,I'll tell you what, like, I
don't know who I thought it was. But yeah, yeah, not only
(16:52):
especially you know when I was whenI was making the album first, you
know, I started going back throughemail and going back, you know,
just to that time in my lifebecause you know, memory has such a
weird way of either changing your perceptionof a time or you know, amplifying
it. And I didn't want anythingto be exaggerated. I really wanted it
(17:15):
to be what it was. Anduh, because I you know, if
we don't, we don't need anymore lies than this world it's covered.
So as I was writing the album, you know, and then as I
got closer, I shared it witha few of his friends. I mean
it was like, you know,hearing from me out of nowhere and uh
(17:36):
and that was a really fascinating,like interesting experience. And then and of
course my my my mom and stepmomwere by my side through those initial days
following said they were privy to somuch. So that was a really good
like, you know, just tokeep me on track. And then as
I was writing the book, Idid more research. Right, So yeah,
(17:57):
it's uh, it'll be I'll becurious to see what happens next,
right, like give away certain partsof the book. But obviously it's a
happy ending because I'm still here.You know, it didn't take me up
it could have, and you arestill in touch with his daughter. Obviously,
she is the closest I'll ever haveto having my own. She's been
(18:18):
in my license. She's about sixor seven, and she's about to turn
twenty eight. She is the onlyone that I'm you know, fiercely protective
of, sure, and one ofthe first you know, when I wrote
the book, was most important thatshe's comfortable and that it made her feel
you know, it was truthful andthat it was clear, and that it
(18:41):
will help people. And that's youknow, both of our goals with our
stories. Yeah, And I thinkeven if you just help one person right
to know that they're not the crazyperson, even though when they're in this
toxic relationship that's what they're told overand over, it's a win. That
is that is the beauty of it, right, Like, imagine we're having
(19:02):
this conversation a year from now andit's a reflective conversation on like, Okay,
so tell me about the last year. And let's just say that there's
one woman or one young woman becauseyou know, I was in my early
twenties when I fell prior to myfirst, you know, super toxic relationship.
So you know, when I thinkabout, like, imagine if we
just heard from one woman that saidthis book, this conversation helped them find
(19:27):
the strength to get out of anunhealthy situation. Because I think a lot
of times, you know, wethink we don't have options when there are
kids involved and there are others,there are so many dynamics. But what
I will say is there are somany great support organizations that are ready and
(19:48):
standing by to help women and families. And there are men that fall into
this too. So I don't wantto I don't take away from that,
but anyone that is seeking refuge andgetting out of an unhealthy situation, there
is support, like on the ready. But it's really hard because I think
so many of us in my case, like I just saw such great potential
(20:11):
and when it was great, itwas really great, and I just I
just kept adjusting me. I justkept going, well, I must I
must be a problem, right,I must be the you know, broken
one. So I'll keep fixing meand then maybe it'll all be yes.
(20:32):
And it is. It is sohard to grasp, but you're not the
problem. But Stephanie Quail, I'mso glad that you have been able to
go through this healing with your newalbum, with your short film, and
now with this book that is goingto be out soon. Pre order it
(20:52):
now Amazon dot com. Why dowe stay? How my toxic relationship can
help you find freedom? I loveyou so much. I love you back,
and I really look forward to usgetting to sit down face to face
over a great and just share,share more because I know that there's there's
(21:12):
so much more, and just forour listeners, those listening, I sure
hope we can continue to be ahelp in their lives, you know,
yes, And you know the goodthing about you and me is that we
did find our prince charmings and wedid live happily ever after. Oh my
god, I don't take a secondfor granted that I used to live and
(21:34):
fast forward. I think that's becauseI was so uncomfortable with the present,
and now I'm the opposite, likeI don't even know what's happening tomorrow,
right. That is so unique forme because I used to be in that
headspace so often, and I justcherish every little drop, you know,
I just cherish the fact that we'vegot to spend this time together and that
(21:56):
not too far in the future,we are going to get to be face
to face, yes, and justand share that time because time is our
greatest commodity, you know, wedon't see that. Thank you so much,
Stephanie Quayle. And if you aresomeone you love is in an unhealthy,
toxic relationship with the things coming tomind like narcissism, gaslighting, compulsive
(22:18):
lying, destructive behaviors, make sureyou pre order her book now, Why
do we stay on Amazon dot com
Hi, it's Angie Ward. Thankyou so much for checking out my podcast
today, and Happy International Women's Monthto any women who are listening right now.
I am so excited today. Myguest is a very empowering woman in
my life. Her name is StephanieQuayle. She is a country singer,
songwriter and now an author, andtoday we're going to talk about her new
(00:20):
book that is going to be outon April the thirtieth, called Why Do
We Stay? How My Toxic Relationshipcan help you find freedom. If you're
listening right now and you have foundyourself in a relationship, or maybe someone
you love has been in a relationshipwith a narcissistic, controlling individual and you
(00:42):
want to try to help them getout of that relationship. Stephanie has some
great tips for that. Ladies andgentlemen, my good friend, Stephanie Quayle.
First of all, Steph, Iam so excited to talk to you.
We've been friends for a long time. We don't get to see each
other often enough. At least wecan talk. That is the truth.
This is wonderful to be to behere with you and get to share all
(01:06):
our wild adventures. Well I know, well most of the world knows you
as a singer and a songwriter,but now you're an author. And when
I saw you post about this bookand then I read about the subject,
I got to tell you I wasreally I was shocked, honestly, because
I didn't realize you had gone throughthis and I've been through something similar and
(01:27):
I had just gone through it witha girlfriend who had gone through it.
And what I'm talking about is thefact that you had been in a long
term relationship with someone and found outthat everything about it had been a lot
and your new book that is comingout, Why do we stay? How
my toxic relationship can help you findfreedom? Is kind of a roadmap to
(01:51):
help other women who find themselves inthese situations of a narcissistic, gaslighting,
compulsive lying situation with another individual.Now you have been through quite the process
of healing for this. You havewritten an album about it, you have
a short film about it, andnow the book. But if you don't
(02:12):
mind, I would like for usto go back to the beginning of kind
of how it all started and howthis crazy story unfolded. Oh wow,
so how much time do we have? I give you my best my best
version that I can to kind ofcondense what is now fifteen years. So
(02:35):
taking everyone back to two thousand andnine, I was in a very serious
relationship with a guy that I thoughtI was going to marry. I was
raising his daughter with him. Thiswas my guy, this was my person.
And it was a Wednesday, Januarytwenty eighth of two thousand and nine,
and he went flying. He wasa pilot. He had a little
(02:55):
airplane he took up and the engineinstalled, and so he tried to turn
it back around to get it backon the runway and the plane crashed and
there was nothing left of him andhis passenger. So that was a Wednesday,
Angie and I grieved and mourned likeanyone who's ever experienced grief, it's
(03:21):
there's nothing like it. It's youknow, they can tell you you'll go
through all these different things, butit's just unmeasurable grief, mourning, feeling.
It's just it's just the strangest experience. And so cut to five days
later, we had a public memorialfor him at the airport where he had
crashed and where he had spent youknow, so much of his time,
(03:45):
having his hangar there and such andthat was when I discovered that I wasn't
the only woman at his memorial,So my grief was truncated, and within
five days I went from grieving thelove of my life to learning that everything
that I'd known was a lie andreally not even barely able to scratch the
(04:06):
magnitude of that phrase, you know, when you think of everything as a
sham. What's so crazy too?You know? Now fast forward? You
know I put out the album aboutthis because I never wrote about it.
I never told anyone about it.We met years ago, and I never
shared anything in my music because Iknew if I touched it, I would
(04:29):
have to touch it. And youknow, so much of me was protecting
his daughter. But I also thinkI just hadn't done the processing and the
healing. You know, this isnot something we get over. We have
to get through it in order toreally heal from it. And it wasn't
till She's extraordinary and still a hugepart of my life. She reached out
(04:51):
to me in April of twenty twentyone and just shared that she was no
longer going to carry his secrets,and she started painting her way through her
healing, and it just gave methis sense of not only relief, but
just thinking, Okay, she doesn'tshe doesn't need my protection. Now,
(05:11):
maybe it's time I try to writethis in music and get it out of
me, because clearly it's still insideright, like the things we hold within
us are not meant to be inthere. We are not meant to carry
so much it's just too much.We're not meant to carry it. And
so I began the process of writingsongs. And my co writer Toritoiller,
(05:33):
who I wrote Selfish with and othersongs off all the different albums over the
course of my career, she andI just went to Montana. We held
up in my house for a fewdays and we just let the songs come
out. And it was the mosthealing, terrifying, awful, wonderful experience
because I just didn't realize how unfineI was. You know, I think
(05:59):
my been new. You know,I've been beautifully married now almost nine years,
together with him for ten, andI think he's just known that there's
nothing anyone can say to get youthere faster to you're healing. Yeah,
I think he just knew like there'sstill unfinished business. And so that led
to putting out the album, whichled to a podcast in a short film
and led to a conversation with HarperCollins, which is my book publisher. And
(06:24):
it started as like, well,well maybe this, you know, like
this is a memoir and a conversation, and then you know, as time
as we're building out the book,it's like, man, we think this
is bigger, and what if wewere to bring in an expert, you
know, Keith Campbell on this conversationand use your story, utilize your story
(06:45):
as a way to fully dissect whathappened to you, and then have this
expert right speak to it so thatwe can help others see the signs if
they're in it, or if they'renear it, or if they're trying to
get out of it. Now Igo full jugular in my book, My
Own Story, because we want thelisteners to understand, like, the only
reason I left my first toxic relationshiphe died. I didn't leave. And
(07:10):
there's a lot of shame I thinkthat falls on us when we stay in
relationships too long, and you know, people you know are quick to say
we'll get over it and move onand all these kind of short things because
we don't want to have to feelour stuff. You know, it's a
lot. This was really my opportunityto fully expose myself to myself first and
(07:30):
foremost and go to all the placesthat I had been avoiding. And through
that exposure and through these incredible conversationswith Keith and understanding there's so much more
going on with narcissists and sociopaths andpsychopaths. Like what we can do is
(07:50):
continue to get strong, because badpeople are bad people. They're going to
come in our lives, out ofour lives. But the more we strengthen
ourselves, right right, that's howwe really get armed in that armor of
no, you can't, you can'ttrick me like I got it now.
Have you let any of your familyor friends read it yet? My husband's
(08:11):
reading it right now, which Ifind really funny. My husband and my
dad are reading it now. Mymom and my stepmom read it along the
way because I kept checking with themand she going like, I'm writing this
and I keep having to remember thatthis is real, Like this really happens
to me. You know, it'sstranger than fiction. Yeah, that was
what I was gonna say. Italmost sounds like one of those lifetime movies
(08:31):
right where you would seem honestly,Sevi, I'm sure it will end up
being a lifetime movie. Yeah.I think it's probably gonna end up being
a movie for sure. But youknow, I am so proud of you
and find it so amazing that throughall these years of you trying to find
healing, you found a way tohelp others. You know, I told
(08:54):
you at the beginning. Obviously minewas not as traumatic it to you,
but I went through a relationship whereI found out I was not the only
woman. It had been a verylong relationship. He was living a double
life. Brutal. Yeah, it'sbrutal, and I'm so sorry. I
had no idea. Well, andyou get stronger, right, uh,
(09:15):
you have guards that you put up. And then, as I found out
about your book, just like simultaneously, one of my very, very very
best friends called me in turmoil becauseshe had found out the guy she'd been
dating for almost a year had donethe same thing to her. And I
told her, I said, well, you know, I realize now why
God put me through what I wentthrough so I would be able to help
(09:39):
you through this. So to thatpoint, are you able to grasp and
recognize that through your journey, you'rehelping so many other people. I think
when I first I first put outthe music, I didn't know. I
really did think that I felt morelike an island. And then quickly started
(10:01):
getting messages from so many people abouthaving you know, like the conversation we're
having right now, of just beinglike you know, kind of shell shocked
from being in a relationship and thenfinding out that they weren't the only one,
or after someone died, learning thateverything was a lie. So my
hope is with this book that itwill help I mean, I'm going to
(10:24):
just put it out there millions ofwomen, and my hope is that it
will also speak to millions of men. One of my greatest I got to
share the book with a friend ofmine and his response back was, as
I'm reading your story, it makesme want to be a better husband.
And that was so compelling. Wow, oh it just got chills. That
(10:48):
has got to make you feel goodto know that stepping out of your comfort
zone like you have has already hadan effect. You know, music is
my heart and my love. I'vebeen a part of country music for along
that, you know, to nowget to have another aspect of me that
can be so honest and truthful andhopefully be something that you know, can
(11:11):
be a guide and a tool forothers of like hey, in my case,
what not to do? Yeah.Also, you know, you know,
we were not crazy, We're notinsecure. You know, it's it's
a matter of these types that arenarcissists and our professionals at being deceitful.
(11:33):
You know, you just think about, like what if they just put their
efforts to good, you know,like our world would change. Also,
Stephanie, like you, I've knownyou for so many years. You're You're
not a wallflower. You are avery strong, resilient woman. I obviously
am a career woman. It's soimportant to point out that it's not a
(11:54):
sign of weakness. If you quoteunquote fall for this, or if this
happens to you, it doesn't meanthat you're a weak person. It doesn't
mean that you're stupid, it doesn'tmean even that you're naive. To share
your story and show other women thatthis can happen, and I'm just can
(12:15):
happen to anyone, Yeah, anyone, And absolutely not to beat yourself up.
I don't know about you, butwhat I went through was just this
horrible depression where I felt like Iwas to blame, I was unworthy.
Sure I was the idiot. Howcome I didn't see it? What you
know? And like, like youyou uh talk about in the book there
(12:41):
are signs you just don't want tosee them, right, you don't or
you get convinced very impeccably by theperson that you know what your what your
gut is, saying what your intuitionand saying when your head cocks like a
little sidews and are like, whatdid you just say? You know,
when you feel that question inside rightnow, when I get that way,
I don't. I don't even like, I don't even finish the conversation if
(13:05):
I get into a conversation now wherea little bit of me goes, huh,
I'm out. How did you getto that point? Oh? I
mean it has taken a lot oftime, I think. Initially, right,
I was like, if if everthere was a time I was going
to go into a career other thancountry music, it would have been like
a criminal investigator. Because after afterI learned that, you know, everything
(13:31):
was not as it seemed, andthis this circus that had been orchestrated even
beyond you know, the infidelity.I just I wanted to note everything,
which not necessarily is the healthiest approach, but it's the approach that I took
because it was I was so justunwound about it all right, it was
(13:56):
just it had me so out ofsorts and therapy, grief counseling, studying,
looking at this all like, youknow, what, what can I
do to get stronger? Because Ihave no control over other people? Right,
And I think the closing of that, and another reason I hope this
(14:16):
book is such a tool is becauseI hope that it gives people time back.
Because you know, when you shareabout you know, the years you
were in that relationship. Same withme. I don't get those years back.
But if I can give other peoplea little piece of my life,
that is it gives them like aquicker departure and an unhealthy racial relationship,
(14:37):
you know, and and or ifthey're falling into a relationship like unsure that
this gives them kind of that compassof you know, here's every reason that
these things could happen, So reallycheck yourself, you know. And it
took me a long time to forgivehim, but ultimately I think the way
(14:58):
that we get to where I amnow is by forgiving ourselves because, like
you said, guilt, shame,I'm unworthy. I all those feelings that
come with this are really heavy,and people have a hard time understanding the
(15:18):
depths of this conversation, right unlessthey're in it, or unless they've been
through it, or unless you know. So it's very easy to just kind
of write off people that are goingthrough hard things because it makes us look
at our own lives. That isso true. I mean, in my
instance, there were so many signs, so many things, so many times
(15:41):
I questioned them and he always hadan answer. And there were even times
where his family, I mean,they knew that I was the quote unquote
other woman in his life, andat no point, you know, did
they pull me aside and say,hey, I think you need to know
this or whatever. Like it waslike they just knew their son with a
(16:04):
liar, and that made me feeleven more. I don't know dumb that
I had fallen for it, butthey knew the truth. I'm always fascinated
by what you just said because therewere many people in my life that knew
yeah, and never that new firsthandhad information to say no, he he
(16:30):
is for sure cheating on you.Wow, what they didn't They didn't tell
me. Did you ever talk toany of them after the fact about it?
Oh yeah, oh yeah, likeuh agent Quail talked, he would
she would fall. I mean,I'll tell you what, like, I
don't know who I thought it was. But yeah, yeah, not only
(16:52):
especially you know when I was whenI was making the album first, you
know, I started going back throughemail and going back, you know,
just to that time in my lifebecause you know, memory has such a
weird way of either changing your perceptionof a time or you know, amplifying
it. And I didn't want anythingto be exaggerated. I really wanted it
(17:15):
to be what it was. Anduh, because I you know, if
we don't, we don't need anymore lies than this world it's covered.
So as I was writing the album, you know, and then as I
got closer, I shared it witha few of his friends. I mean
it was like, you know,hearing from me out of nowhere and uh
(17:36):
and that was a really fascinating,like interesting experience. And then and of
course my my my mom and stepmomwere by my side through those initial days
following said they were privy to somuch. So that was a really good
like, you know, just tokeep me on track. And then as
I was writing the book, Idid more research. Right, So yeah,
(17:57):
it's uh, it'll be I'll becurious to see what happens next,
right, like give away certain partsof the book. But obviously it's a
happy ending because I'm still here.You know, it didn't take me up
it could have, and you arestill in touch with his daughter. Obviously,
she is the closest I'll ever haveto having my own. She's been
(18:18):
in my license. She's about sixor seven, and she's about to turn
twenty eight. She is the onlyone that I'm you know, fiercely protective
of, sure, and one ofthe first you know, when I wrote
the book, was most important thatshe's comfortable and that it made her feel
you know, it was truthful andthat it was clear, and that it
(18:41):
will help people. And that's youknow, both of our goals with our
stories. Yeah, And I thinkeven if you just help one person right
to know that they're not the crazyperson, even though when they're in this
toxic relationship that's what they're told overand over, it's a win. That
is that is the beauty of it, right, Like, imagine we're having
(19:02):
this conversation a year from now andit's a reflective conversation on like, Okay,
so tell me about the last year. And let's just say that there's
one woman or one young woman becauseyou know, I was in my early
twenties when I fell prior to myfirst, you know, super toxic relationship.
So you know, when I thinkabout, like, imagine if we
just heard from one woman that saidthis book, this conversation helped them find
(19:27):
the strength to get out of anunhealthy situation. Because I think a lot
of times, you know, wethink we don't have options when there are
kids involved and there are others,there are so many dynamics. But what
I will say is there are somany great support organizations that are ready and
(19:48):
standing by to help women and families. And there are men that fall into
this too. So I don't wantto I don't take away from that,
but anyone that is seeking refuge andgetting out of an unhealthy situation, there
is support, like on the ready. But it's really hard because I think
so many of us in my case, like I just saw such great potential
(20:11):
and when it was great, itwas really great, and I just I
just kept adjusting me. I justkept going, well, I must I
must be a problem, right,I must be the you know, broken
one. So I'll keep fixing meand then maybe it'll all be yes.
(20:32):
And it is. It is sohard to grasp, but you're not the
problem. But Stephanie Quail, I'mso glad that you have been able to
go through this healing with your newalbum, with your short film, and
now with this book that is goingto be out soon. Pre order it
(20:52):
now Amazon dot com. Why dowe stay? How my toxic relationship can
help you find freedom? I loveyou so much. I love you back,
and I really look forward to usgetting to sit down face to face
over a great and just share,share more because I know that there's there's
(21:12):
so much more, and just forour listeners, those listening, I sure
hope we can continue to be ahelp in their lives, you know,
yes, And you know the goodthing about you and me is that we
did find our prince charmings and wedid live happily ever after. Oh my
god, I don't take a secondfor granted that I used to live and
(21:34):
fast forward. I think that's becauseI was so uncomfortable with the present,
and now I'm the opposite, likeI don't even know what's happening tomorrow,
right. That is so unique forme because I used to be in that
headspace so often, and I justcherish every little drop, you know,
I just cherish the fact that we'vegot to spend this time together and that
(21:56):
not too far in the future,we are going to get to be face
to face, yes, and justand share that time because time is our
greatest commodity, you know, wedon't see that. Thank you so much,
Stephanie Quayle. And if you aresomeone you love is in an unhealthy,
toxic relationship with the things coming tomind like narcissism, gaslighting, compulsive
(22:18):
lying, destructive behaviors, make sureyou pre order her book now, Why
do we stay on Amazon dot com
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