- [in a hospital]
- Jon: You let your patients smoke in here?
- Head Nurse: Honey, they all gonna die of something sooner or later.
- Harry: You sold the shoe store? You sold the shoe store?
- Jon: I'm sorry, Pop, I just couldn't find the right way to tell you.
- Harry: Tell me what?
- Jon: That I sold the shoe store.
- Harry: You sold the shoe store?
- Jon: The neighborhood was changing and it wasn't worth anything!
- Harry: [Showing him a deed] It's worth half a million dollars. See? McDonnell's!
- Jon: [Thinking he said 'McDonalds'] You hungry again, Pop?
- Harry: Yeah.
- Taxi Driver: My parents stay here too. They ain't never gonna die. It's the air conditioning. It's like they're in cold storage.
- Harry: [about his Cadillac] This baby can go! I told your mother how much it cost and she shit a cat! If only she knew how much it really set me back.
- Dr. Aviano: Lucky those cops saw you. There wasn't any time to waste, I felt we should operate.
- Jon: Operate?
- Dr. Aviano: Lot's of men only have one testicle.
- Jon: Did you say I have only one testicle?
- Dr. Aviano: That's right.
- Jon: Nope, nope.
- [Looks under sheet]
- Jon: Oh no!
- Dr. Aviano: Don't be upset, one is all you need. The other is just sort of a back up. It won't affect your sex life.
- Jerry, Steve: Hi, Uncle Jon.
- Arlene Setters: Jon! My dear little brother, we missed you. So I just thought me and the boys would come up and stay for a while with you and your lovely family.
- Jerry: Let's cut the bullshit. We need a place to live, she ran out of alimony.
- Steve: And the asshole with the boat ran out on her.
- Harry: [as the manager is about to strike Jon, Harry hits him over the head with a shoe] I told you you're fired!
- Jon: I remember this picture.
- Harry: Oh yeah. Guy on the left had is Tom Hankerman, he flew 37 missions before going down over Okinawa.
- Jon: Pop, you're putting your shorts on backwards.
- Harry: Huh? Oh yeah. That guy there is Lenny Coleman. Lenny ran that little airfield I flew out of after the war.
- Jon: Is that the place you took me to for my first ride?
- Harry: Your mother too. And last ride for her!
- Jon: Pop, you see much of Arlene?
- Harry: Arlene?
- Jon: Your loving daughter.
- Harry: No.
- [after being rescued by an accident in which Jon let his father drive the car]
- Retired Doctor: How'd you say this happened?
- Jon: My father accidentally put the car in the wrong gear and then he accidentally got his foot stuck on the accelerator.
- Fred: [to Jon] Hey, laughing boy, you didn't pay your bill. But then again you ain't the sharpest knife in the drawer!
- Jon: [His father is driving the car at full speed in reverse] Pop, I've got a good idea: STOP THE CAR!