This story is part of our ongoing “First Steps” series, where we share extraordinary stories of men who transformed their bodies, minds, and lives with a focus on the first steps it took them to get there (because, after all, nothing can change without a first step!). Read all of the stories here.
Eric M., 47, has been in and out of Gambler's Anonymous (GA) since he was 13 years old. In 2017, he hit rock-bottom after racking up $70,000 in debt from sports betting, blackjack, and poker. Last summer, Men's Health spoke to Eric for our special report on America's sports-betting boom, where he shared that he was four-and-a-half years clean. When MH re-connected with Eric in January 2024, he revealed that he relapsed—an unfortunate but common occurrence for people battling gambling addictions—a month before his five-year anniversary.
Below, Eric shares his journey, in his own words, to recovery after his recent relapse and how he finds the will to start anew again and again and again (he's experienced 20 relapses throughout his life). If any of this sounds familiar, you can find sports betting addiction recovery resources and tips to prevent a relapse here and here.
I'VE BEEN OUT of work since the end of August 2023. I left the position that I was in thinking that the next position was going to start in two weeks and it never transpired. I didn't have any income and I had a lot of free time. I ended up calling the Division of Gaming Enforcement and finding out that the five-year self-exclusion list [a voluntary exclusion from gambling venues] I put myself on for New Jersey was up. I took myself off the list in October 2023.
For about a month, I was making "mind bets" saying, "Okay, if I was gambling, I'd have $500 on this game at this spread," and then when the game ended and I won I'd be like, "Okay, that's $500 that I could have made. I would've spent $5,000 this month just covering my expenses if I had that $500." That's just the sickness [talking].
It's now Thanksgiving Day and things were a bit crazy. My mom passed this year and my wife's father was in the hospital, so everybody was kind of going in their separate ways. I was sitting home alone and I was a little bit depressed. Instead of picking up the phone and reaching out [to my sponsor at Gambler's Anonymous], I took matters into my own hands and made a deposit into FanDuel. That was my first time ever using FanDuel. Prior to Covid, when I made my last bet in 2019, I used to do the live gambling in the casinos. I had done some online sports betting overseas, but I had never done the legal online sports betting in the U.S. It's a monster.
I won the bet that I made on a football game and then I bet the next game. Before you know it, within a couple of days, I was playing nine to five while my wife was at work and I was waiting on a job to come through. At first it was PokerStars for poker and that was basically driving five miles an hour. Then it was sports, which was like taking a three-hour boat ride. Then it was blackjack, which was driving on the Autobahn. This is exactly how it was when I gambled five years ago.
I didn't tell anybody. I didn't talk to my sponsor; I didn't talk to my sponsees. I was getting very secretive again. I did open up in the GA meetings that I would go to and I'd say I'm having a lot of urges, but nobody was suspecting me of anything. And then, next thing you know, it all came crashing down on Christmas night.
My wife and I were on our way back from New York City (I couldn't place a bet in New York City—I had to wait until we were in New Jersey). I was in the backseat of the car and my wife saw the FanDuel in the reflection of the car window. She's like, "What is that?" I said, "Oh, I'm just following some sports scores." And she's like, "Let me see your phone." So then she just happened to open up my phone and there was FanDuel. So I said, "Yeah. I started again." She was so disappointed that we had to start the trust over from square one. When we got home, we had the uncomfortable conversation [about getting help].
Two days later, I called the Division of Gaming Enforcement and said, "I just took myself off of a five-year ban for New Jersey that I was on for eight-and-a-half years. I've only been off the list for two months and I want to put myself back on and I want to do it for a lifetime." The Division of Gaming Enforcement was like, "Are you sure you don't want to do it just for one year or five years? Because if you do it for one year or five years, as soon as the time is up, if you change your mind, you can reverse your decision. But if you do the lifetime ban, you'll never ever, ever, ever be able to reverse your decision."
I was so sick of the app having control over me that I was willing to do the lifetime ban right away. It consumes your thoughts when you're hooked in the addiction. All of the work that I've done and all the steps that I've taken and all the measures that I've put into place, I left a little bit of the door open and I exploited it. And while a compulsive gambler is capable of opening up the door at any time, regardless of whether they're on a lifetime self-exclusion ban, [a lifetime self-exclusion ban] makes it very difficult.
The first step [toward recovery] was admitting that my life is unmanageable when I'm in the throes of the addiction—being willing to surrender to the addiction. And then, just admitting that I'm powerless over the addiction again, and that nothing has changed. Plus, opening up and having one story that you tell over and over and over again where the dates are aligned and you're able to just tell it like it is.
My self-worth and my self-confidence didn't really take a hit, and I think that's key because I do see a lot of folks relapse that don't have a lot of experience in the [GA] program, and they beat themselves up so much that a lot of times they disappear and they don't have the support or the strength to make it through a mistake and to rebound. Some do, but not all. Those 12 steps [in the GA program] taught me that I had to start from step one and I have to get that right every day or I have no shot.
I have to go back to the basics and recognize that when I'm in action, it's all unmanageable because it's just pure chaos; it's insanity. The amount of money that gets wagered when you're playing blackjack online for FanDuel for $600 a hand...over the course of an hour you may have bet $100,000. At the end of the day or at the end of the week or at the end of the month, everybody's numbers are different. But it goes so fast. That's why it's so important to do the self-exclusion, because you eliminate the potential of going back easily. You'd have to drive out of state and go to a land casino and get really crafty if you really wanted to do it.
With the lifetime ban for self-exclusion and knowing what the consequences are of gambling, I'm at a very low risk of placing a bet today. That could change in five minutes; that can change tomorrow. I'm a compulsive gambler; I recognize that. Now, I just look to rebuild from here. I have a new job; I'll have the income coming in legitimately on the books. Actually, this is how the higher power works. I did the self-exclusion on December 27, 2023. At two o'clock I had a meeting with the Division of Gaming Enforcement on Microsoft Teams that lasted for five minutes. At 2:05, as soon as I hung up the Teams meeting, an offer that I had been waiting for from my employer came through literally as I hung up on Teams. There's no other way to explain it other than it's just a miracle of recovery. The higher power wouldn't give it to me until I did what I needed to do first.
Time is now going to be going toward doing work and sticking with my program; sticking with my meetings. I picked up a new sponsor and it's someone from my room who's the glue that keeps the room together. He's got 21 years and he sponsors five or six people and his deal is, "If you're having a bad day, you need to let me know so that I can meet you or we'll go to a meeting together."
I'm just blessed to have some level of sanity and intelligence at this point, considering all the damage I've done to myself mentally over the years. I've said to sponsees of mine who've relapsed before, "I don't want to beat you up just like I didn't want to be beaten up, but the thing that you have to hear is that if you want this program, you've got to work it every day and you got to know what the tools are and you got to know how to use them when you need them. And if you don't use them when you need them like I didn't, then you find yourself with consequences."
These last five years, I've shown a lot of stability and a lot of discipline and a lot of structure, and it's all because I worked the steps and the program has been there. So, that is a testament that it does work. Even though there's a month in there where I'm not proud to say that I wasn't being straightforward, I'm back to just taking it one day at a time. Hopefully there's someone that can benefit from that message that it doesn't have to end. It just has to be a new beginning.
If you or someone you know may be struggling with a gambling addiction, contact 1-800-GAMBLER. Ready to take the next step? Book an appointment with Kindbridge Behavioral Health, and receive a 20 percent discount on your first therapy session using the code “MensHealth20.” Make sure to also include Men’s Health as the referral source on the intake form.
