This story is part of our ongoing “First Steps” series, where we share extraordinary stories of men who transformed their bodies, minds, and lives with a focus on the first steps it took them to get there (because, after all, nothing can change without a first step!). Read all of the stories here.
Below, Sean Abrams, 32, details his journey to finding the right therapist after three years of trial and error.
I WAS THE worst growing up. I was rebellious and so angsty. Maybe it was because I was in the closet, and I was just expressing myself in such a terrible way. It wasn't until my older sister went to therapy around nine years ago that I even began to consider it. I was 23 years old and just came out to my family, and I needed someone to vent to. I also needed some guidance in general to figure out who I was. I went to my sister's therapist and didn't like them at all. Then I acknowledged that I needed to find my own person.
I didn't really know anything about therapy, or the research that went into finding a therapist. I'm an indecisive person, so the idea of finding the right therapist and also having to dig deep and spend money was not something I wanted to do. But I did it anyways.
First, I did the whole Zocdoc thing because that's where I find all my other doctors. But I realized that just wasn't sufficient because there are so many different categories of doctors and I didn't know what type of doctor I needed specifically. Then, I dove deep into websites like Psychology Today, but that also was such a struggle because the doctors put that they specialize in anxiety and depression and LGBTQ issues, and I'm like, what does that mean? I just needed to find someone that was in-network, that was close to where I was working, and that I could afford with my co-pay.
For the first guy I found on Psychology Today, I was like, you don't sound like a serial killer over the phone, so why would I say no? I was literally just looking to make sure they would check off the most simple of boxes, and I also knew it would be a trial and error thing. But I just dove into it because I was like, "The longer I wait, I'm not going to know. I'm going to give X amount of time and see if we're a good fit." I just knew I needed to bite the bullet and pick one.
I remember this guy was in Midtown East: tall, dark hair, glasses, attractive. I think I picked him because he was gay. We talked for two months, but I got a weird vibe from him. I will discuss anything with anyone, especially in therapy, but some of his questions about my sex life were very invasive. So I was like, maybe I need to move on to someone else. I just made up an excuse and was like, "Hey, I'm switching insurance." That was my "on to the next" moment.
I started to get more specific with my therapist requirements. Their age isn't on their bios, but I wanted someone 35 to 40 years old so they could relate to me. I also started to look for people that weren't as attractive. I didn't want to find my therapist hot and then tell my friends, "Yeah, I'm going to my therapist," and then have them think that's the only reason I'm going to see him. I also wanted someone who I felt comfortable with right off the bat.
Rather than using Psychology Today, I started Googling "LGBTQ therapists NYC," which was not easy or good because it gave me websites to physician's assistants and community centers. I went back to Psychology Today, and tried to find someone that was near my office. This was before Covid and the whole Zoom thing, so I wanted to make sure I was face-to-face.
It's like a blind date. You know the basic things about them, but you don't know their mannerisms; how they sound; their approach. I went to my second therapist for almost a year. He was very soft-spoken, which I am not. After a while, I started to realize I wanted tough love at some points, and he wasn't giving it. He was almost too nice. Then, what really made me want to stop is one time when I was in Starbucks near the office and was waiting to get coffee with a friend. I turned to my friend and said, "Hey, that guy's ass is so nice." Surprise, it was my therapist! Now I think my therapist is attractive and I was like, "I don't want to do that." Time to find someone else.
At this point in my life, the job I had was truly soul-sucking...the worst experience I've ever had. That's when the search for number three came in. I was back on Psychology Today, and I remember thinking, give me anyone. I need this really badly.
I went to the first person I found who specialized in LGBTQ issues, and he kept saying, "You need to go on medication." I was anti-meds at first because I definitely have body dysmorphia, and I knew a potential side effect of going on medication is weight gain. Every week he would be like, "I can't make you go on medication, but you need to go on medication. You are crumbling. It is very apparent that you need medication." Eventually I came around, and that's when I simultaneously went to a psychiatrist who prescribed me medicine. I see him every few months for a check-in while still going to this therapist.
Today, my therapist and I talk about everything from work to body dysmorphia to relationship and family issues. I joke around and say, "He's the longest relationship I've ever had." If a session is rough, he'll be like, "Email me or text me," which I never do, but he's like, "You know, you can email me." Or, there was an instance where he saw me on the street crying after I just went through a breakup and he literally called me later that day. He was like, "I know you need someone to talk to, let's talk," and he didn't charge me. I've been seeing him now for seven years.
Oftentimes I say to myself, imagine I'm seeing this therapist when I'm 50 years old. It's someone who knows me and knows how I operate. It's almost like when you're in a relationship and you break up with someone, and you have to start over again. You have to go on dates and play that game. I don't like doing it in dating. I don't want to do it in therapy either.
I still think there's a stigma with men and therapy. I was talking to my friend, and he was texting me all the time saying, "I'm so anxious at work, I want to quit my job," yada yada. I kept being like, "Go to therapy." You can go and talk about one thing, and it could unlock another thing. Yes, doing the research is annoying, and it's trial and error for sure. You could also luck out and have a great person the first time around. But, like with so many other things, you're not going to know until you do it.
