I'm Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I'm very, very open about it). Over the years, I've had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I've learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and many other places, TBH). I'm here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn't just "communicate with your partner" because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
My girlfriend of a year has always been jealous that I like and comment on hot girls' Instagram photos. Sometimes, I DM [direct message] these women, but they have so many followers and never reply. Well, my GF got into my Instagram account and saw I had messaged these women and freaked out. She has now convinced herself that I want to cheat on her—or that I may already have done so.
I’m angry that she broke my trust and looked at my phone and Instagram account without my permission. She’s angry and said she had every right to because I was, in fact, messaging them, and I "clearly want to cheat." Who’s right? And what should I do?
— Insta Messages
Dear Insta Messages,
When you approach a relationship conflict with “who’s right and who’s wrong,” you won’t resolve anything. You’re just going to blame the other person, incessantly bicker, justify crummy behavior, and double down on your actions because no one wants to be “the loser” (i.e., in the wrong). Besides, it’s very rarely clear-cut.
On the one hand, I don’t think it was right for your girlfriend to go through your phone and social media accounts without your permission. It’s a breach of trust. I think she should have spoken to you about her concerns.
But it also sounds like she already attempted to broach the conversation—you mention she’s "always been jealous"—which means you may have been somewhat dismissive. You knew that liking, commenting, and DMing “hot girls” on Instagram upsets your partner, and yet you persisted. You could have just scrolled through your Instagram and not liked or commented on their photos. This seems like such a simple solution. What does the engagement actually add?
Also, why were you DMing these girls? I think that’s a question you need to unpack. Are you not feeling fulfilled in your current relationship? Are you secretly hoping for an out? And what was your endgame if, on the off-chance, a woman responded in a friendly way and wanted to converse with you? Were you just going to be pen pals and not tell your girlfriend? What if she wanted to meet up? Would you have said no? (I highly doubt it.)
Insta Messages, I think there are deeper issues going on here. Your girlfriend does not feel secure in your relationship and is having trouble trusting you. This is incredibly common, especially among people who have been lied to or cheated on by a past partner (or people who had volatile, unreliable parents).
And you’re making things worse by giving her reasons not to trust you. While I understand your desire for autonomy and thinking what you’re doing is “not a big deal,” you have to understand where your girlfriend is coming from. It’s like, come on, dude. You can’t see why DMing “hot girls,” as you describe them, might upset your partner? I find that hard to believe.
You have some choices to make here. First, I need you to reflect. Do you really want to be with your girlfriend? If the answer is no, you should break up. Plain and simple. If yes, the next step is asking yourself: How can I help my partner be more secure in our relationship? This should be a conversation with your girlfriend.
You can say something like, “I know we have some trust issues in our relationship, and I’d really like to work through them together. I want you to be able to believe that I haven’t and have no desire to cheat. I love you and want to be with you. What are some things that I can do to help you feel more secure in our relationship?"
She (hopefully) can share some of your behaviors that make her feel insecure and jealous (beyond DMing hot girls) and provide what she needs to feel more secure. If she really doesn’t know, I’d suggest that you both take the “Love Language” quiz. The results can help you both learn how you like to receive/give love. Perhaps she’d like more words of affirmation, quality time, and/or physical touch to feel more loved and secure.
Once she shares, I need you to decide if you’re willing to do these things. If you believe her requests infringe on your autonomy (and will cause resentment) or are simply going to be “too much work,” then I think it’s a sign you two shouldn’t be together. But if you’re thinking, “No, I love this woman, and while it will be challenging, I want to put in the work so that we can have a secure, long-term relationship,” then start communicating more and investing more emotionally in the relationship.
With a lot of big feelings, this can be tough to navigate on your own, so if you’re struggling to communicate, I’d also highly consider getting into couples counseling.
