I'm Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I'm very, very open about it). Over the years, I've had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I've learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and many other places, TBH). I'm here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn't just "communicate with your partner" because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
Long story short, after two years of friendship, my best friend and I finally admitted that we have feelings for each other. Essentially, it’s like we have been dating these past two years, only we haven’t been having sex. I know this sounds ideal. We can continue our relationship and add having sex to the mix. Not much actually needs to change in our relational dynamic otherwise.
The only (and very big) issue is that we’re both total bottoms, to the point that we’re both, like, repulsed by the idea of topping. Am I delusional in thinking a romantic/sexual relationship could ever work?
—Bottom for Bottom
Dear B4B,
It is theoretically possible for two bottoms to have a romantic and sexual relationship. However, it is extremely rare, like Halley’s Comet. (Similarly, I only hear about successful gay MM bottom couples once every 76 years.)
Since you are both “repulsed” by the idea of topping, that certainly seems to take the possibility of a compromise (where you switch off topping, even though it’s not your preferred position) off the table.
So, what it comes down to is your relationship to sex itself. Here’s what I mean: before expressing your feelings for another, were either of you a bottom on Sniffies taking massive dicks five times a week, getting gangbanged, obsessing over how much you love taking cock and wanting it as much as possible? (I’m not shaming whatsoever. God bless power bottoms who love taking peen every day that ends in 'Y.' Live your truth [and slide into my DMs]!)
If this describes either of you, and bottoming all the time with a flesh and blood penis is really necessary for you to feel satisfied sexually and connected to your partners, then I'm sorry to say that there’s no way in hell you could monogamously date your bestie.
On the flip side, are you open to sex toys? Do you find them as satisfying, close to being as satisfying, or even more satisfying than a flesh-and-blood penis? Do you like blowjobs, eating ass, handjobs, fingering, etc.?
Obviously, there’s so much more to sex than penetrative anal. Could you two get into all those things? Or, as a total bottom, the idea of even fingering your partner’s ass doesn’t do it for you?
Even if you’re into all the alternative ways to have sex, you still may crave a flesh-and-blood penis in your ass from time to time. While I’m constantly encouraging people to think of sex more broadly than penetration, usually, it’s in addition to penetration. It’s not a substitute.
So, would you be down to have an open relationship where you both bottom for other men? (You two could easily hop on a gay hook-up app and write “two bottoms looking for a top.” Trust me, your DMs would be flooded.) Would that satisfy your need for dick? Or, do you want to bottom specifically for the man you love—and a random dude from Grindr wouldn't be the same?
These are all things you need to think about and discuss with your best friend before attempting a sexual relationship. If, after talking, you decide you’d like to give being boyfriends a try, I think you should have a contingency plan in the (sadly likely) event that it doesn't work out. Because you’d still like to keep him in your life, right? It would suck to lose your best friend.
Admit to your friend-turned-boyfriend that you’re taking a big gamble. Say, “If the sex isn’t working, let’s let each other know, not take it personally, and move back to a place of friendship.”
If you don’t think you’d be able to return to a place of friendship, then you’re taking an even BIGGER risk—one that, personally, I wouldn’t take. But that’s up to the two of you to decide.
