I'm Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I'm very, very open about it). Over the years, I've had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I've learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and many other places, TBH). I'm here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn't just "communicate with your partner" because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
I moved in with my girlfriend on June 1st, and the last month has been hell. A little backstory: I’m 30, and she’s 27. We’d been dating for over a year before agreeing to move in together. All we could afford was a tiny one-bedroom in Brooklyn.
I used to think she was the woman I was going to marry. Now, I don’t think so. Since moving in, we’ve bickered nonstop. (We never fought before moving in together.) I think part of it is that we both work from home, so we’re around each other in this cramped space 24/7.
But we’ll argue over everything: dishes, laundry, who makes the bed, etc. A little question such as “What do you want for dinner?” can lead to a passive-aggressive fight. (She’ll say she doesn’t care. I’ll suggest three options—she’ll veto all three, and then when I ask her to pick, she says anything is fine.)
I’m losing my mind here. Is this normal when a couple moves in together? Are these regular growing pains we need to work out, or is our relationship doomed?
— Cramped and Frustrated
Dear Cramped and Frustrated,
Moving in together can be a huge adjustment, especially if you both work from home and live in a small space. It's quite common for couples to face challenges during this transition period. In fact, moving in together often marks the end of the honeymoon phase as you get up close and personal with your partner’s eccentricities and flaws, possibly for the first time.
Of course, you can work through these newfound relationship issues. The key—as it is all too often—is communication.
Notably, you and your partner never fought or bickered before moving in together. While some couples seldom fight, that’s because they have a secure attachment style and bring up troubles before they become larger issues. Given that you two are bickering nonstop, this dynamic doesn’t seem to describe you two. Instead, it sounds like both of you were previously conflict-avoidant, not bringing up issues and letting them fester and build resentment.
Most of us do not know how to engage in conflict. It’s not something we were taught as kids, and most of our parents didn’t model healthy communication. We just saw our parents fight, bicker, and loathe each other into old age, and normalized it. (Or, your parents divorced—which, honestly, good for them.)
Our past relationships with our parents (and romantic partners) also influence how we engage in conflict now. If you had a father who yelled incessantly and unpredictably, and there was nothing you could do besides take his wrath, then, as an adult, you may feel immobilized when a partner raises their voice in frustration, even if it’s the slightest raise of voice. You may feel triggered or think that engaging in conflict is pointless, so you shut down and withdraw. Your partner may get frustrated by your lack of response or, due to their upbringing, feel abandoned when you disengage by saying, “I can’t deal with this. I’m going for a walk.”
It’s a clusterfuck to navigate, especially when we don’t realize why we’re feeling such big emotions. A great therapist will help you unpack your childhood relationship with your parents and give you the skills necessary to engage in arguments in a manner that doesn’t feel as overwhelming. A good couple’s therapist (which, yes, I recommend) will help you then communicate with less blame and get to the deeper issue(s).
Because here’s the thing: It’s not actually about the laundry or the dishes. (I mean, it is a little bit; it’s annoying AF to have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink and not be able to find a clean one when you want to have lunch.) It’s about something more profound.
Perhaps you feel taken advantage of by your partner or feel taken for granted. If that’s the case, you need to address that. Because as it is now, your girlfriend is thinking, “Why the fuck is he getting so pissed off that I have three dirty dishes in the sink from last night?” All too often, people aren’t arguing about the real problem.
Alright, moving on to how to actually communicate. Obviously, you’re going to bring up the real issue. (If you don’t know the underlying issue, therapy, my dude!) You will then use “I” statements to not blame your partner. When partners feel shunned or reprimanded, they typically don’t respond with, “Yeah, you’re right!” No, they double down and resent you for treating them like a child, which yields further escalation.
So, say, “I feel unappreciated when I do the bulk of the housework without acknowledgment. That’s why I get so upset when I see dishes in the sink. I will do better to get less frustrated, but I would also love it if you could better acknowledge my work around the house—a ‘thank you so much’ would really help me feel appreciated.”
Or something along those lines where you don’t blame, express the underlying issue, and finally, give your partner actionable items they can do—in this case, it’s showing their appreciation more.
As for you two being on top of each other and working from home? Switch off working from a coffee shop or co-work with a friend who works from home. Also, make sure you two have separate friends and activities you can do at night, so you’re not spending 24/7 together.
Remember, even the most loving and “healthiest” couples need some time apart.
